do they actually leave?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

I would personally be offended by him acting like you’re an option for him - it’s not just his decision, it’s yours.

Bingo! 

He believes she is an option because she hasn’t been firm in her decision. It’s been “I’m done, unless you want to still be friends or you ever consider leaving your wife…”

[hajk]

On 8/30/2021 at 6:04 AM, Myabee said:

No! Not conflicted! I have taken my blinders off to realize this is not a man who is my future. I've left it as friends who text about normal stuff that if his wife saw it would be appropriate. I can't go back and erase the non appropriate stuff as it did occur. But I can move forward with not acting in that manner and leaving it behind me. We don't even text as often as we did. Very possible the friendship might just fade away into the dust. 

7 hours ago, Myabee said:

Tried to keep it at friends but I'm so sick of his back and forth behavior. One minute hes not happy with his life with wife and I look like a great choice the next minute he's like I have a happy marriage. This keeps interfering with friendship which I suppose is not doable after further feelings had come into play. This is draining me. 

@Myabee You now seem conflicted and also are back and forth.  Sorry this friendship is draining you.  Everyone here had said that friendship after affair does not work.  Maybe try to start NC again to stop draining yourself.  Take care and good luck!

Edited September 4, 2021 by hajk

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Bingo! 

He believes she is an option because she hasn’t been firm in her decision. It’s been “I’m done, unless you want to still be friends or you ever consider leaving your wife…”

And i have left it at... consider leaving your wife great... do it... contact me then see where I'm at! 

[glows]

If he leaves his wife how realistic is it that he moves to where you are or you to him? I’m not suggesting that he would at all. I’m wondering where your thoughts are on this. Or, have you thought about the reality or logistics of any of that? 

It’s one thing to be involved or fantasize about him leaving and another to see any real life together. How would it work in your mind? 

[elaine567]

You need to go seek out a real option.
This guy is not a real option, nothing like it. 
He is wasting your time, time you could spend in better ways, you will regret this later.

He can afford to waste time,  you are making his unhappy marriage better, what is he actually doing for you?
He is draining you dry.

[Myabee]

6 hours ago, glows said:

If he leaves his wife how realistic is it that he moves to where you are or you to him? I’m not suggesting that he would at all. I’m wondering where your thoughts are on this. Or, have you thought about the reality or logistics of any of that? 

It’s one thing to be involved or fantasize about him leaving and another to see any real life together. How would it work in your mind? 

We have had several discussions about how we would make this work. All of his family is just 25 minutes from me and there are jobs for him in my area. It's tricky to land one but he's knows he could do it. I think though like a few said I'm just an option and I deserve so much more then that. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

You need to go seek out a real option.
This guy is not a real option, nothing like it. 
He is wasting your time, time you could spend in better ways, you will regret this later.

He can afford to waste time,  you are making his unhappy marriage better, what is he actually doing for you?
He is draining you dry.

Yes. This is where my mind has been drained as of the late. And even just by trying to keep it at friends which clearly did not work, This feels like a cake walk. I provide the missing friendship and the sexual i guess fantasy and bingo! Happier married man because he has a side dish. I no longer wish to be his ice cream😡

[glows]

So then, opt to delete and block his contact on your phone. If you’ve memorized his number don’t contact him. When you’re lonely reach out or text/call your friends. You also created a new thread to post and not contact him.

You’ve gone hot/cold many times and he knows you keep coming back so it’s really no sweat to him anymore. I would think it’s him just assuming you’re having a bad day or week and you’ll keep coming back. It keeps hurting or damaging you as you lose yourself in it again, over and over. I’d only be concerned at how damaging this is to you overall and your self-esteem.

Let go and move on purposefully with your life. Don’t let it drain you and keep damaging your self-worth. 

[Myabee]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

So then, opt to delete and block his contact on your phone. If you’ve memorized his number don’t contact him. When you’re lonely reach out or text/call your friends. You also created a new thread to post and not contact him.

You’ve gone hot/cold many times and he knows you keep coming back so it’s really no sweat to him anymore. I would think it’s him just assuming you’re having a bad day or week and you’ll keep coming back. It keeps hurting or damaging you as you lose yourself in it again, over and over. I’d only be concerned at how damaging this is to you overall and your self-esteem.

Let go and move on purposefully with your life. Don’t let it drain you and keep damaging your self-worth. 

I really needed to hear that. You are right on all points. It has damaged my self-esteem largely. It has also left me hot and cold and semi depressed! I can't find my thread I created but I do need to get back to it and start posting on it. Do you recall where that thread is?   

[BlindsidedTwice]

Go NC completely! For yourself! No games. No worries about what it does to him. YOU will feel better as you get further away from this situation. 

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

Go NC completely! For yourself! No games. No worries about what it does to him. YOU will feel better as you get further away from this situation. 

its the only way at this point. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

I really needed to hear that. You are right on all points. It has damaged my self-esteem largely. It has also left me hot and cold and semi depressed! I can't find my thread I created but I do need to get back to it and start posting on it. Do you recall where that thread is?   

Use the search function on the top right corner of the webpage. 

Pick yourself back up and try again not to contact him. I can’t speak for anyone else but I would be very aware of each price or cost it takes for every single message or contact made with such a person - that is the high price taken from my peace of mind or happiness in general. That would deter me from ever speaking to someone like that again. 
 

Edited September 5, 2021 by glows

[elaine567]

 

[Myabee]

On 9/5/2021 at 2:54 PM, elaine567 said:

 

Thank you. Back on feet again an using that thread. Wobbley feet but standing nonetheless.😊

[Luna66star]

Wouldn't you prefer to have a real man all to yourself?  Instead of MM bits & pieces?

Sorry but it sounds like you are putting your entire life on hold for breadcrumbs.

Are we going to be seeing you on this thread in slippers and nightcoat 5 yrs from now, still pining for something that's not even real?

I don't mean to be factitious here but .. can you imagine looking back at your life and realizing how alone you are?  This thing with him places you on a back burner forever.  

Look at it logically, he's NOT leaving.  He's NOT free to love you. You have been master manipulated into a puppet.  

If this doesn't awaken your senses, just think of how it will feel when his wife comes after you.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 8/17/2021 at 5:54 PM, Myabee said:

 The medication is the biggest recent change I don’t know that I was ever lonely. I think I felt isolated and lonely last year but I think that was a combination of the pandemic and my depression. 

Excellent. Great you are addressing your physical and mental health. Stick with that.

You also seem to have insight that being in a bad state of mind led to getting involved in a bad situation.

Start the process of renewing your life. Get fit. Join clubs, groups, sports and volunteering.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee.

Build up your life to avoid getting in a bad relationship again.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Great you are addressing your physical and mental health. Stick with that.

You also seem to have insight that being in a bad state of mind led to getting involved in a bad situation.

Start the process of renewing your life. Get fit. Join clubs, groups, sports and volunteering.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee.

Build up your life to avoid getting in a bad relationship again.

Oh no wise..  those  were his words. He is using a bad state of mind as an excuse to cheat on his wife. I'm in shape, active and was never depressed. Perhaps the normal pandemic down most felt but not officially depressed. If anything was feeling more relief that my separation went well and the divorce being final is just a stones throw away. MM claims he was depressed and that lead him to act the way he did with me. Honestly i don't buy it because zero has changed with her and his life. That's just all part of the fishing line he has been using to reel me in. If MM was well then why does he want me as a BEST friend whom he claims is in love with me.  Me contacting him was just providing the friendship missing in the marriage and the sexual stuff too. I was his his ice cream  after a delicious meal.  No MORE! 

[Myabee]

7 hours ago, Luna66star said:

Wouldn't you prefer to have a real man all to yourself?  Instead of MM bits & pieces?

Sorry but it sounds like you are putting your entire life on hold for breadcrumbs.

Are we going to be seeing you on this thread in slippers and nightcoat 5 yrs from now, still pining for something that's not even real?

I don't mean to be factitious here but .. can you imagine looking back at your life and realizing how alone you are?  This thing with him places you on a back burner forever.  

Look at it logically, he's NOT leaving.  He's NOT free to love you. You have been master manipulated into a puppet.  

If this doesn't awaken your senses, just think of how it will feel when his wife comes after you.

 

Are you a scorned BS? Because that statement about the wife coming after me is uncalled for. That sounds like some kind of warning or threat and it's not helpful nor appropriate. You sound bitter! 

Edited September 7, 2021 by Myabee

[RebeccaR]

14 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Are you a scorned BS? Because that statement about the wife coming after me is uncalled for. That sounds like some kind of warning or threat and it's not helpful nor appropriate. You sound bitter! 

Wait , what? No, it’s a real (if small) possibility that the wife will find messages or he will spill about the affair due to guilt or mental instability and she will splash it all over social media. The possibility is small but grows the more you maintain contact. You say you grew up together so surely you have mutuals. If your life is good now I would just forget this loser ever existed, frankly.

Why is it assumed that all anti-affair people are BSs? Probably more of them are people who actually had affairs and are aware of the pitfalls.

[BlindsidedTwice]

When my xMM and I first broke up, I panicked about his wife finding out and coming after me. I imagined all sorts of scenarios - like her showing up at my house and outing me in front of my H. I tried to plan out what I would do. Would I deny it? Try to say that she had the wrong woman? Or would I be truthful, fall to my knees, and beg my H for forgiveness?

Probably a bit dramatic, but my emotional brain ran through many possible scenarios, and sometimes I still do. I will never forgive myself for what I did to her. 

 

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

I was his his ice cream  after a delicious meal.  No MORE! 

Yes Mya!! There you go! You got this! 🙌

 

Edited September 7, 2021 by BlindsidedTwice

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

Wait , what? No, it’s a real (if small) possibility that the wife will find messages or he will spill about the affair due to guilt or mental instability and she will splash it all over social media. The possibility is small but grows the more you maintain contact. You say you grew up together so surely you have mutuals. If your life is good now I would just forget this loser ever existed, frankly.

Why is it assumed that all anti-affair people are BSs? Probably more of them are people who actually had affairs and are aware of the pitfalls.

No! The wife is not a social media person. And no way would this MM tell his wife. If he respected her in the first place he would  not be cheating on her with me. It won't be me she finds messages from however, I guess you are correct in saying that's possible but it will be the next OW he get's involved with. The MM is in a weak marriage clearly I'm done! Never let anyone consider you an option!  

Edited September 7, 2021 by Myabee

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

When my xMM and I first broke up, I panicked about his wife finding out and coming after me. I imagined all sorts of scenarios - like her showing up at my house and outing me in front of my H. I tried to plan out what I would do. Would I deny it? Try to say that she had the wrong woman? Throw him under the bus?  Or would I be truthful, fall to my knees, and beg my H for forgiveness?

Probably a bit dramatic, but my emotional brain ran through many possible scenarios, and sometimes I still do. I will never forgive myself for what I did to her. 

 

Yes Mya!! There you go! You got this! 🙌

 

Thank u for the u got this! That's what I need! I am not worried about the wife at all here! 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

If anything was feeling more relief that my separation went well and the divorce being final is just a stones throw away. 

Excellent. Focus on your divorce and the aftermath. Prepare to be happy single and free.

[Myabee]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Focus on your divorce and the aftermath. Prepare to be happy single and free.

Thanks. 😊🤟

[BlindsidedTwice]

6 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Thank u for the u got this! That's what I need!

Yes girl! This s*** is hard. You’ve gotten a lot of [necessary] tough love here, and I think you deserve some encouragement too! You’re doing the right thing and eventually you will feel so much better because of it. ❤️

Edited September 7, 2021 by BlindsidedTwice