do they actually leave?

[ExpatInItaly]

40 minutes ago, Myabee said:

If they were purely friends no issue. 

And if they were the type of "friends" that you this man are?

 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And if they were the type of "friends" that you this man are?

 

We are not that type of friends anymore. My intention let it all fade away. 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

We are not that type of friends anymore. My intention let it all fade away. 

No, but you were… surely you are not so naive as to believe that you would not have a problem with a woman being friends with your husband when they have had a previous relationship, a sexual relationship, and he considered leaving your marriage to be with this woman. 

No woman would accept that. 

[Myabee]

24 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, but you were… surely you are not so naive as to believe that you would not have a problem with a woman being friends with your husband when they have had a previous relationship, a sexual relationship, and he considered leaving your marriage to be with this woman. 

No woman would accept that. 

You would be surprised how many do. Just look at the stories on here of spouses who dont ever leave after disclosure of an affair. You all told me to read... I've been reading. 

Edited August 30, 2021 by Myabee

[Myabee]

Just now, Myabee said:

You would be surprised how many do. Just look at the stories on here of spouses who dont ever leave after disclosure of an affair. You all told me to read... I've been reading. i know this MM is not leaving and I really don't want or expect him to anymore. Crossed out of that emotional zone. 

 

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Myabee said:

You would be surprised how many do. Just look at the stories on here of spouses who dont ever leave after disclosure of an affair. You all told me to read... I've been reading. 

The better question for you - is this really who you want to be? 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

The better question for you - is this really who you want to be? 

Never mind. The fact that you continue to engage with this man after all this time and all this discussion says it all…

Best wishes to you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Myabee said:

We are not that type of friends anymore. My intention let it all fade away. 

You most certainly were, though. 

I don't buy for a moment you would be okay with your husband texting another woman the way he was texting you, nor that you would be alright with his continued interaction with her even after they dropped the inappropriate conversations. Come on, now. 

Further, I doubt you are going to be okay with being "purely friends" when he gets tired of these sorts of chats and stops reaching out. My strong impression is that you're pretending (to yourself) that this is all good because it gives you one more reason to hang on. But as soon as it fizzles, you will be hurt and pissed off all over again. Because let's be realistic: you are very far away, he claims his wife doesn't want to have sex with him...I would imagine he's got another OW for exactly that purpose somewhere in his vicinty. You might well not be the only woman he plays footsie with on the side. That is where his attention will drift. Friendly chats about politics or his workday? Not going to be interesting for very long. 

Until you get real with yourself, nothing will change. 

 

Edited August 30, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You most certainly were, though. 

I don't buy for a moment you would be okay with your husband texting another woman the way he was texting you, nor that you would be alright with his continued interaction with her even after they dropped the inappropriate conversations. Come on, now. 

Further, I doubt you are going to be okay with being "purely friends" when he gets tired of these sorts of chats and stops reaching out. My strong impression is that you're pretending (to yourself) that this is all good because it gives you one more reason to hang on. But as soon as it fizzles, you will be hurt and pissed off all over again. Because let's be realistic: you are very far away, he claims his wife doesn't want to have sex with him...I would imagine he's got another OW for exactly that purpose somewhere in his vicinty. You might well not be the only woman he plays footsie with on the side. That is where his attention will drift. Friendly chats about politics or his workday? Not going to be interesting for very long. 

Until you get real with yourself, nothing will change. 

 

I have to laugh at this. The Hyporisy in some of these posts is pretty clear. You tell.me on one note how do I even know he's not having sex with his wife, now you insinuate that their must be an actual other woman in his area he us having sex with. 🙄 First of all I would never know on either. I know longer see this MM as any kind of potential partner just as a friend that I have much in common with and enjoy our chats! End of story! 

[Myabee]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Never mind. The fact that you continue to engage with this man after all this time and all this discussion says it all…

Best wishes to you. 

Why do I have to answer who I want to be to you? Who do you want to be? 

[pepperbird2]

op,

sounds like you're conflicted, and behind your confident words, there's a women who is in pain.

[Myabee]

13 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

op,

sounds like you're conflicted, and behind your confident words, there's a women who is in pain.

No! Not conflicted! I have taken my blinders off to realize this is not a man who is my future. I've left it as friends who text about normal stuff that if his wife saw it would be appropriate. I can't go back and erase the non appropriate stuff as it did occur. But I can move forward with not acting in that manner and leaving it behind me. We don't even text as often as we did. Very possible the friendship might just fade away into the dust. 

Edited August 30, 2021 by Myabee

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

The Hyporisy in some of these posts is pretty clear. You tell.me on one note how do I even know he's not having sex with his wife, now you insinuate that their must be an actual other woman in his area he us having sex with.

Since you failed to grasp the point I was making, allow me to phrase it another way: 

I was following your claim in earlier posts that his wife doesn't give him sex and isn't interested in him. If you still believe that, and this poor man is not getting sex from her and never sees you anyway, then it stands to reason that he is probably getting it somewhere else. 

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

I know longer see this MM as any kind of potential partner just as a friend that I have much in common with and enjoy our chats! End of story! 

Right. Sometimes we'll convince ourselves of anything when we so badly want it to be true. 

Edited August 30, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[mark clemson]

On 8/29/2021 at 1:56 AM, Myabee said:

 As many have stated how do I actually know anything is wrong with his marriage? I don't and I guess thats not my business. I will be extra free to date whomever and shall do so. So I do have control here.

I think you should do what makes the most sense for you. Here are a few thoughts for you on this new tack:

- IF you might reconcile/not divorce your husband, this is taking a risk should he discover this "friend" and start asking questions. If you're genuinely set on divorce, that might not matter so much.

- "Orbiters" (if that's what he's to become) sometimes can interfere with fully emotionally bonding with a new partner, so that might become an issue. Also, a new partner might have some questions about your "friend" which may lead to the need to either deceive them about it or have some uncomfortable conversations about the nature of this "friendship" if it's still ongoing.

- He is taking risks by communicating with you. And, as I think many above are alluding to, his wife probably wouldn't be happy about this ongoing texting if she knew or finds out. Perhaps that is not an issue for you, but it would be for some, so I figure I'd mention it as well. His life may "blow up" over this texting. He's already been taking this risk, but I think now he is "risking" for less than he was before. His choice perhaps, but is it fair to him?

- Consider whether you are trying to A) maintain the affair, B) slow fade/"wean yourself" off of him, C) "see what happens" or D) actually have a friendship.

[Myabee]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I think you should do what makes the most sense for you. Here are a few thoughts for you on this new tack:

- IF you might reconcile/not divorce your husband, this is taking a risk should he discover this "friend" and start asking questions. If you're genuinely set on divorce, that might not matter so much.

- "Orbiters" (if that's what he's to become) sometimes can interfere with fully emotionally bonding with a new partner, so that might become an issue. Also, a new partner might have some questions about your "friend" which may lead to the need to either deceive them about it or have some uncomfortable conversations about the nature of this "friendship" if it's still ongoing.

- He is taking risks by communicating with you. And, as I think many above are alluding to, his wife probably wouldn't be happy about this ongoing texting if she knew or finds out. Perhaps that is not an issue for you, but it would be for some, so I figure I'd mention it as well. His life may "blow up" over this texting. He's already been taking this risk, but I think now he is "risking" for less than he was before. His choice perhaps, but is it fair to him?

- Consider whether you are trying to A) maintain the affair, B) slow fade/"wean yourself" off of him, C) "see what happens" or D) actually have a friendship.

I'm a mixture of B and D at this point 

[Crazelnut]

Well you should forget D. You cannot be "friends" with someone with whom you've had a more intimate connection. It becomes an unhealthy limbo, where you're more than just friends but less than lovers. It becomes unsatisfying. Just find the strength to stay NC. 

[Myabee]

On 9/1/2021 at 8:07 AM, Crazelnut said:

Well you should forget D. You cannot be "friends" with someone with whom you've had a more intimate connection. It becomes an unhealthy limbo, where you're more than just friends but less than lovers. It becomes unsatisfying. Just find the strength to stay NC. 

I am seeing that. Right now he thinks I’m out of cell range for a few days. I think I need to muster up the strength to just not text and say I’m back. For some reason I don't think he will text first. That could very well be the final NC step I need. BEING just friends you are correct it does not work. Helpful post.

[RebeccaR]

14 hours ago, Myabee said:

I am seeing that. Right now he thinks I’m out of cell range for a few days. I think I need to muster up the strength to just not text and say I’m back. For some reason I don't think he will text first. That could very well be the final NC step I need. BEING just friends you are correct it does not work. Helpful post.

What happened? 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

What happened? 

Tried to keep it at friends but I'm so sick of his back and forth behavior. One minute hes not happy with his life with wife and I look like a great choice the next minute he's like I have a happy marriage. This keeps interfering with friendship which I suppose is not doable after further feelings had come into play. This is draining me. 

[Myabee]

46 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Tried to keep it at friends but I'm so sick of his back and forth behavior. One minute hes not happy with his life with wife and I look like a great choice the next minute he's like I have a happy marriage. This keeps interfering with friendship which I suppose is not doable after further feelings had come into play. This is draining me. 

This too Rebecca from last month:

 

The lack of sex is an issue for me. But as I sit here today it’s not enough to end an otherwise good marriage ( in my opinion) anymore than having lots of sex is enough to hold one together. I don’t know what my opinion will be a year from now. Or two years from now. The messy and confusing part is the connection we obviously have.

[solostand]

17 hours ago, Myabee said:

I am seeing that. Right now he thinks I’m out of cell range for a few days. I think I need to muster up the strength to just not text and say I’m back. For some reason I don't think he will text first. That could very well be the final NC step I need. BEING just friends you are correct it does not work. Helpful post.

Try this: Once, when I was much much younger, I was madly in love with a man who moved away. He wasn't married but it was a lot of push pull in the relationship and I often felt I was chasing him. Anyway, I decided to just not call him and see what happened. Was I of value to him at all? I decided to just go one day at a time, and find out how many days it took before he called me. He called at the 14th day.

So just pretend you're doing an experiment to see how long you can go without texting him, just one day at a time. Also acting out of character will shake him up a bit.

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, solostand said:

Try this: Once, when I was much much younger, I was madly in love with a man who moved away. He wasn't married but it was a lot of push pull in the relationship and I often felt I was chasing him. Anyway, I decided to just not call him and see what happened. Was I of value to him at all? I decided to just go one day at a time, and find out how many days it took before he called me. He called at the 14th day.

So just pretend you're doing an experiment to see how long you can go without texting him, just one day at a time. Also acting out of character will shake him up a bit.

Thanks! That's a clever idea. 

[ExpatInItaly]

56 minutes ago, solostand said:

Also acting out of character will shake him up a bit.

But what would be the purpose of this, really? He isn't leaving his marriage. He might text OP more, but then what? 

I completely agree with you that she should stop contacting him, of course. I just don't think doing so with the intention of shaking him up is productive. 

[RebeccaR]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

This too Rebecca from last month:

 

The lack of sex is an issue for me. But as I sit here today it’s not enough to end an otherwise good marriage ( in my opinion) anymore than having lots of sex is enough to hold one together. I don’t know what my opinion will be a year from now. Or two years from now. The messy and confusing part is the connection we obviously have.

Didn’t he tell you this before you started and then broke NC to be friends? I thought you had already accepted he wouldn’t leave his wife. I would personally be offended by him acting like you’re an option for him - it’s not just his decision, it’s yours.

[RebeccaR]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

Tried to keep it at friends but I'm so sick of his back and forth behavior. One minute hes not happy with his life with wife and I look like a great choice the next minute he's like I have a happy marriage.

I thought you guys were just going to chat about sports and politics