do they actually leave?

[Miss Spider]

2 hours ago, solostand said:

The brain floods with chemicals which give a very similar effect to cocaine and other drugs. This produces an actual high. If you do a little brain research the answers are all there, well studied. It's called limerance. The highs and lows of an affair also mimic the highs and lows of drug addiction. I have had both, chemical addiction and affair addiction, and I can say they are very similar. They cause very similar feelings.

Addictions can be overcome and nothing makes a person feel prouder than overcoming that which seems impossible. 

It takes self awareness, a strong change in self talk, a willingness to change habits (it really takes only about three weeks to let go of a habit or start a new one) to overcome. I am clean and sober from all addictions, including my addiction to my former affair partner! I had a very close call last month when I ran into him, but then I remembered as an alcoholic, I can't have even one drink, so as a person addicted to this loser, I can't tolerate seeing or talking to him at all, ever, and I took steps to avoid him at all costs.

Ty

[Miss Spider]

5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You're right, but I would note that full-fledged limerence is not the same as "new relationship energy" which are the happy feelings that come at the start of a new relationship. True limerence is more like a full-on addiction and a bona-fide altered state of consciousness that does not "shut itself off" easily (not unlike drug addiction, as you say, which doesn't shut off easily either). At any rate, not every relationship (regular relationship or affair) is going to trigger full-on limerence.

Can you have limerence with no ‘high” or pleasant feelings associated with the LO. ? Or is that just pining

Edited August 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you for trying to explain. I try to understand the analogy but not having struggled with addiction nor being an OW it’s a struggle. However, I do see how spending the night with a nice rock of meth would be fun for some people. I don’t see how spending the night with someone married is.., but maybe that’s what’s hard to explain. 

It's emotional cookies.  The amazing  highs when you are together or talking to them, the devastating lows when you are not, the "longing" for something/someone you cannot have and/or who/what is bad for you.

It's very much like a drug addiction, they are your "drug" of choice.

And they don't have to be  married either, any person who provides the same emotional highs and lows will do it, if you are not in a healthy emotional place yourself and allow it. 

Addiction can develop when you have an intense emotional connection but that person is emotionally unavailable or just plain unavailable, out of reach.

 

 

Edited August 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

12 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Can you have limerence with no ‘high”? 

I'm not sure. I think late in the game limerence becomes (or can become) more like an obsessive longing that disrupts more ordinary forms of happiness. So in that sense there's no "high". Drug addiction is often like that too, I think. In limerence the other person and/or recurring, intrusive thoughts of them are "the high" or at least they are "the drug".

I don't think anyone fully understands when full-on limerence will or won't be triggered, but I believe that dysfunctional "can't have/kept apart" situations can sometimes trigger it. There are sometimes people who (apparently) have full-on limerence or almost that (e.g. "severe crushes") for strangers they barely know but see regularly, such as "that cute guy/girl down the street who talked to them one time".

Edited August 25, 2021 by mark clemson

[Miss Spider]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It's emotional cookies.  The amazing  highs when you are with them, the devastating lows when you are not, the "longing" for something/someone you cannot have or who/what is bad for you.

It's very much like a drug addiction, they are your "drug" of choice and they don't have to be  married either, any person who provides the same emotional highs and lows will do it.

 

Yes, but isn’t it a generally bad feeling to be with someone that isn’t good for you? Doesn’t that ruin the feeling of being “high” with them?  I think it might be me, because  I’ve only enjoyed being with people who made me feel good and who made me feel completely happy and completely liked. Like if I have a friend and have a great time with her… if I know 1/2 the time she’s trash talking me, it’s going to ruin all the warm fuzzies. Maybe I’m wired diff 

Edited August 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

I modified my post cookies, maybe that will help with understanding.

[Miss Spider]

Interesting because I think I developed limerence ( not to a person, but idea/career goal) and it was never at any point associated with any high or pleasant feeling. It was always a feeling negative feeling when thinking about it. Even when I envisioned myself accomplishing it, it was never a good feeling( at least nothing I would associate with any other first “high”)  it was extremely bitter and tinged by how unattainable it was, but I compulsively thought these very sad and painful thoughts. The thoughts were intrusive. I wonder if that’s more like it is with some affairs too

 

I was diagnosed with anxiety and now I’m a lot better. 

Edited August 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[mark clemson]

^^ possibly, although that would seem a bit usual. But yes, people can certainly become "addicted" to things other than drugs or limerence for romantic partners - e.g. workaholism, "obsessive" hobbies and similar. Possibly it was something along those lines.

Edited August 25, 2021 by mark clemson

[Myabee]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

So, when you thought he was coming your way and you would see him, you wanted nothing to do with him, you were done, it was over for you. 

Paraphrasing but that's the gist of what you told us. 

But now that he is not coming and you won't be seeing him, you're back to "we can't stay away from each other"?

Myabee, your thinking, your feelings, this entire situation is 100% toxic, you see that now, right? 

You have seen this man in person  once in 13 months and he didn't even visit to see you! 

This is an on-line fling. You are addicted to the longing, the fantasy. 

The distance intrigues you, excites you.  As soon he starts moving closer like telling you he bought a plane ticket, your fears take over and suddenly you are done. No more feelings, poof they're gone, just like that!

I mean reading your posts when you thought he was coming, you were in a panic!  And I'm not even exaggerating! 

He takes it back and not coming?  You are back to longing for him again and 'we can't stay away from each other."  Your own words. 

This is not love no matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise, but good luck.

P.S.  I'm not even judging you for it, just own it for cripes sake.  That's the first step toward healing.

 

 

 

I don't know what the heck I'm doing again. I think this will be a long road for me.

[RebeccaR]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

I don't know what the heck I'm doing again. I think this will be a long road for me.

Are you two messaging again?

[Myabee]

On 8/25/2021 at 8:36 PM, RebeccaR said:

Are you two messaging again?

Yes! 

[BaileyB]

On 8/25/2021 at 5:20 PM, Myabee said:

I don't know what the heck I'm doing again.

It’s a decision, just like any other. Let’s not pretend like you have no control here.

[Daisydooks]

On 8/25/2021 at 12:29 PM, Cookiesandough said:

Yes, but isn’t it a generally bad feeling to be with someone that isn’t good for you? Doesn’t that ruin the feeling of being “high” with them?  I think it might be me, because  I’ve only enjoyed being with people who made me feel good and who made me feel completely happy and completely liked. Like if I have a friend and have a great time with her… if I know 1/2 the time she’s trash talking me, it’s going to ruin all the warm fuzzies. Maybe I’m wired diff 

Nah. Youre wired just fine. This is healthy 

[Daisydooks]

On 8/25/2021 at 6:20 PM, Myabee said:

I don't know what the heck I'm doing again. I think this will be a long road for me.

Only as long a road as you make it, girl

[Myabee]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It’s a decision, just like any other. Let’s not pretend like you have no control here.

I know I do have control here. As crazy as this sounds, I'm starting to fall into some sort of acceptance that the possibility of just texting friends might be ok. He is 3,000 miles away, clearly not wanting to confront his own issues or any issues in his marriage if they even exist. As many have stated how do I actually know anything is wrong with his marriage? I don't and I guess thats not my business. I will be extra free to date whomever and shall do so. So I do have control here. Now go ahead come at me folks about how bad I am. Getting use to it now.

[RebeccaR]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

I know I do have control here. As crazy as this sounds, I'm starting to fall into some sort of acceptance that the possibility of just texting friends might be ok. He is 3,000 miles away, clearly not wanting to confront his own issues or any issues in his marriage if they even exist. As many have stated how do I actually know anything is wrong with his marriage? I don't and I guess thats not my business. I will be extra free to date whomever and shall do so. So I do have control here. Now go ahead come at me folks about how bad I am. Getting use to it now.

You’re free to do whatever you want (though I imagine starting a new relationship with a different man on open honest terms will be complicated at best) but what exactly happened? What did he say to reel you back in so quickly?

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

Now go ahead come at me folks about how bad I am. Getting use to it now.

More than that, though, is the pain you're creating for yourself by refusing to cut this clown off. 

[BlindsidedTwice]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

I'm starting to fall into some sort of acceptance that the possibility of just texting friends might be ok.

In my opinion and experience, this just doesn’t work. Affair partners are not friends.

I understand how hard it is though. You will need to find out for yourself. Maybe it will be different for you, but if not, we will be here to help, support, and encourage you once again.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

As crazy as this sounds, I'm starting to fall into some sort of acceptance that the possibility of just texting friends might be ok.

Would it be acceptable to you if your husband had a texting relationship with another woman?

If the answer is no, you need to think hard about why you are considering staying in contact with this guy…

Edited August 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

You’re free to do whatever you want (though I imagine starting a new relationship with a different man on open honest terms will be complicated at best) but what exactly happened? What did he say to reel you back in so quickly?

He said our story is not over? But we have also been able to just have regular texting about sports, politics, life. No emojjis nothing that if his wife saw at this point would be something that could not be shared with her. Except for the story is not over part.

Edited August 29, 2021 by Myabee

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Myabee said:

He said our story is not over? But we have also been able to just have regular texting about sports, politics, life. No emojjis nothing that if his wife saw at this point would be something that could not be shared with her. Except for the story is not over part.

That’s all it took to get you back on board?

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

That’s all it took to get you back on board?

I dont know that I'm  on board with anything other then texting in a friendly way. Hes not flirting nor am I. If it goes back to that then I'm going have to s*** can it. idk??  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

I dont know that I'm  on board with anything other then texting in a friendly way. Hes not flirting nor am I. If it goes back to that then I'm going have to s*** can it. idk??  

Idk??

You didn’t answer my question - how would you feel if your husband had a texting relationship with another woman? 

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Idk??

You didn’t answer my question - how would you feel if your husband had a texting relationship with another woman? 

If they were purely friends no issue. 

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, Myabee said:

If they were purely friends no issue. 

And if they haven’t been purely friends in the past? If they are “secret friends?”