do they actually leave?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

If thats the case the BS needs to come to terms with her spouse. Cleary something is amiss if her H is behaving this way. Might not be her? Might be all him? Idk... IMPO it takes two to tango.  

Well, yes. 

But that wasn't the quesiton you asked. You asked why an OW might not want to hear what the wife has to say.  

[RebeccaR]

11 minutes ago, Myabee said:

If thats the case the BS needs to come to terms with her spouse. Cleary something is amiss if her H is behaving this way. Might not be her? Might be all him? Idk... IMPO it takes two to tango.  

Are you still thinking about their “sexless” marriage? Remember, you can’t believe a word he says

[Daisydooks]

55 minutes ago, Myabee said:

If thats the case the BS needs to come to terms with her spouse. Cleary something is amiss if her H is behaving this way. Might not be her? Might be all him? Idk... IMPO it takes two to tango.  

 Is it so hard to believe that a cheater is a cake eater? 

[elaine567]

33 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

 Is it so hard to believe that a cheater is a cake eater? 

It is if he has persuaded her he is a poor neglected soul in a sexless marriage...

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

Are you still thinking about their “sexless” marriage? Remember, you can’t believe a word he says

No. I DONT CARE.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Daisydooks said:

 Is it so hard to believe that a cheater is a cake eater? 

No! Not hard to believe at all. I called him that long before I even found this forum. I have a little common sense.

[Daisydooks]

2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

No! Not hard to believe at all. I called him that long before I even found this forum. I have a little common sense.

Youre getting closer. Lol. But then you say things like this and it makes me wonder. Not all people cheat because anything is lacking or amiss. Some are just cake eating selfish douche bags and opportunists 

"If thats the case the BS needs to come to terms with her spouse. Cleary something is amiss if her H is behaving this way. Might not be her? Might be all him? Idk... IMPO it takes two to tango."

[chillii]

On 8/18/2021 at 9:33 AM, Myabee said:

Exactly.Glow. You seem to understand the most. 

Ummmm, that's pretty obvious , nothing too miraculous about that conclusion , haven't you known it right through.

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

Youre getting closer. Lol. But then you say things like this and it makes me wonder. Not all people cheat because anything is lacking or amiss. Some are just cake eating selfish douche bags and opportunists 

"If thats the case the BS needs to come to terms with her spouse. Cleary something is amiss if her H is behaving this way. Might not be her? Might be all him? Idk... IMPO it takes two to tango."

Oh things are lacking though! Come on already. I believe that part at least. The truth lies somewhere in between it all. 

[Canadian Maple]

There doesn't have to be a single thing lacking. Just some douche canoe who is bored with the real life relationship and all that comes with it such as laundry and paying bills, kids, all the day to day stuff, and he wants that romance back. Often these guys that cheat are the terrible ones in a relationship. Go read on some sites with stories from BW it will open your eyes a LOT. Selfish people cheat, and selfish people aren't good in their first relationship. Are there MM who are in crappy relationships? Sure...but a real man or woman would get out of that crappy relationship before starting another one. 

It takes two people to have a crappy marriage that is true. But the onus of cheating is 100% on the cheater. Lots of people are in crappy relationships and don't cheat, not because they don't have the opportunity, but because they have integrity. 

Do you really want to link yourself with a man who either is so utterly selfish that even though his wife is amazing he cheats, OR he lacks the integrity to man up and get out of a crap relationship, before starting another relationship?

 

 

 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Canadian Maple said:

There doesn't have to be a single thing lacking. Just some douche canoe who is bored with the real life relationship and all that comes with it such as laundry and paying bills, kids, all the day to day stuff, and he wants that romance back. Often these guys that cheat are the terrible ones in a relationship. Go read on some sites with stories from BW it will open your eyes a LOT. Selfish people cheat, and selfish people aren't good in their first relationship. Are there MM who are in crappy relationships? Sure...but a real man or woman would get out of that crappy relationship before starting another one. 

It takes two people to have a crappy marriage that is true. But the onus of cheating is 100% on the cheater. Lots of people are in crappy relationships and don't cheat, not because they don't have the opportunity, but because they have integrity. 

Do you really want to link yourself with a man who either is so utterly selfish that even though his wife is amazing he cheats, OR he lacks the integrity to man up and get out of a crap relationship, before starting another relationship?

 

 

 

Do you really want to link yourself with a man who either is so utterly selfish that even though his wife is amazing he cheats, OR he lacks the integrity to man up and get out of a crap relationship, before starting another relationship?

 

No I don’t 

[pepperbird2]

11 hours ago, Canadian Maple said:

There doesn't have to be a single thing lacking. Just some douche canoe who is bored with the real life relationship and all that comes with it such as laundry and paying bills, kids, all the day to day stuff, and he wants that romance back. Often these guys that cheat are the terrible ones in a relationship. Go read on some sites with stories from BW it will open your eyes a LOT. Selfish people cheat, and selfish people aren't good in their first relationship. Are there MM who are in crappy relationships? Sure...but a real man or woman would get out of that crappy relationship before starting another one. 

It takes two people to have a crappy marriage that is true. But the onus of cheating is 100% on the cheater. Lots of people are in crappy relationships and don't cheat, not because they don't have the opportunity, but because they have integrity. 

Do you really want to link yourself with a man who either is so utterly selfish that even though his wife is amazing he cheats, OR he lacks the integrity to man up and get out of a crap relationship, before starting another relationship?

 

 

 

There's no one sized fits all reason for cheating. The only commonality is that the person who decides to go outside their marriage is actively choosing to do so. In some cases, it's because the person stepping out is like a bottomless pit. They need a constant supply of adoration, good "feels" and other positive input. One person will never be enough, but they enjoy the benefits that go hand in hand with being married. They also enjoy the benefits of having an affair and feel that they are more than entitled to both, no matter what damage it causes to their spouse, family, OW/OM etc.
 

 

[Myabee]

Idk.We can't stay away from each other? The connection is crazy deep? I feel like a lost cause.

[torn_heart]

2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Idk.We can't stay away from each other? The connection is crazy deep? I feel like a lost cause.

It's normal, part of the process. If you want out you might have some relapses, but just remember you have made your decision. 

That's why they told you it's like an addiction, and it is, I also haven't being addicted to any substance, but I am (almost was) addicted to my affair/OW. 

Each day at a time. 

[RebeccaR]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Idk.We can't stay away from each other? The connection is crazy deep? I feel like a lost cause.

Are you messaging again?

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, torn_heart said:

It's normal, part of the process. If you want out you might have some relapses, but just remember you have made your decision. 

That's why they told you it's like an addiction, and it is, I also haven't being addicted to any substance, but I am (almost was) addicted to my affair/OW. 

Each day at a time. 

What makes affairs addictive? 

[torn_heart]

12 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

What makes affairs addictive? 

In my case, the adrenaline, the continuous contact, the emotional connection.

 

[hajk]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

Idk.We can't stay away from each other? The connection is crazy deep? I feel like a lost cause.

@Myabee did you meet him the last couple days after all?  You mentioned he texted you a photo of a plane ticket that he was coming this weekend, but you refused to meet with him.

 

[Luna66star]

How can you love or respect a liar and a cheater?  He's not someone to admire.  You've been seduced.  If he cheats with you, he would cheat you too!

 

[Myabee]

7 hours ago, hajk said:

@Myabee did you meet him the last couple days after all?  You mentioned he texted you a photo of a plane ticket that he was coming this weekend, but you refused to meet with him.

 

No I did not meet him he did not come this way. 

[solostand]

10 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

What makes affairs addictive? 

The brain floods with chemicals which give a very similar effect to cocaine and other drugs. This produces an actual high. If you do a little brain research the answers are all there, well studied. It's called limerance. The highs and lows of an affair also mimic the highs and lows of drug addiction. I have had both, chemical addiction and affair addiction, and I can say they are very similar. They cause very similar feelings.

Addictions can be overcome and nothing makes a person feel prouder than overcoming that which seems impossible. 

It takes self awareness, a strong change in self talk, a willingness to change habits (it really takes only about three weeks to let go of a habit or start a new one) to overcome. I am clean and sober from all addictions, including my addiction to my former affair partner! I had a very close call last month when I ran into him, but then I remembered as an alcoholic, I can't have even one drink, so as a person addicted to this loser, I can't tolerate seeing or talking to him at all, ever, and I took steps to avoid him at all costs.

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Myabee said:

No I did not meet him he did not come this way. 

So, when you thought he was coming your way and you would see him, you wanted nothing to do with him, you were done, it was over for you. 

Paraphrasing but that's the gist of what you told us. 

But now that he is not coming and you won't be seeing him, you're back to "we can't stay away from each other"?

Myabee, your thinking, your feelings, this entire situation is 100% toxic, you see that now, right? 

You have seen this man in person  once in 13 months and he didn't even visit to see you! 

This is an on-line fling. You are addicted to the longing, the fantasy. 

The distance intrigues you, excites you.  As soon he starts moving closer like telling you he bought a plane ticket, your fears take over and suddenly you are done. No more feelings, poof they're gone, just like that!

I mean reading your posts when you thought he was coming, you were in a panic!  And I'm not even exaggerating! 

He takes it back and not coming?  You are back to longing for him again and 'we can't stay away from each other."  Your own words. 

This is not love no matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise, but good luck.

P.S.  I'm not even judging you for it, just own it for cripes sake.  That's the first step toward healing.

 

 

 

Edited August 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Thank you for trying to explain. I try to understand the addiction analogy but not having struggled with either, I guess it’s hard to understand. I will say even though I’ve never done meth,  I do see how spending the night with a nice rock of it would be … a high. I don’t see how spending the night with someone married is.., but maybe that’s what’s hard to explain. 

Edited August 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, solostand said:

The brain floods with chemicals which give a very similar effect to cocaine and other drugs. This produces an actual high. If you do a little brain research the answers are all there, well studied. It's called limerance. The highs and lows of an affair also mimic the highs and lows of drug addiction. I have had both, chemical addiction and affair addiction, and I can say they are very similar. They cause very similar feelings.

You're right, but I would note that full-fledged limerence is not the same as "new relationship energy" which are the happy feelings that come at the start of a new relationship. True limerence is more like a full-on addiction and a bona-fide altered state of consciousness that does not "shut itself off" easily (not unlike drug addiction, as you say, which doesn't shut off easily either). At any rate, not every relationship (regular relationship or affair) is going to trigger full-on limerence. In fact I would say that most healthy, well-functioning ones actually don't.

Edited August 25, 2021 by mark clemson

[hajk]

2 hours ago, solostand said:

The brain floods with chemicals which give a very similar effect to cocaine and other drugs. This produces an actual high. If you do a little brain research the answers are all there, well studied. It's called limerance. The highs and lows of an affair also mimic the highs and lows of drug addiction. I have had both, chemical addiction and affair addiction, and I can say they are very similar. They cause very similar feelings.

Addictions can be overcome and nothing makes a person feel prouder than overcoming that which seems impossible. 

It takes self awareness, a strong change in self talk, a willingness to change habits (it really takes only about three weeks to let go of a habit or start a new one) to overcome. I am clean and sober from all addictions, including my addiction to my former affair partner! I had a very close call last month when I ran into him, but then I remembered as an alcoholic, I can't have even one drink, so as a person addicted to this loser, I can't tolerate seeing or talking to him at all, ever, and I took steps to avoid him at all costs.

@solostand great explanation and understanding of addictions.  Congrats on overcoming your addictions and staying strong!

To add to @solostand post above, I found the following Youtube video from Dr Montes explains how addiction works in the brain very well and easy to understand.

Dr. Montes: Neurobiology of Addiction Part 1 of 5 | The Treatment Center