do they actually leave?

[DingDang]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

No. I refuse to meet with you in person. I have other plans and will not be around. Enjoy your visit. 

Stand strong. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I didn’t call you a damsel in distress. I said a damsel in distress would react to him coming over assuming he can right or fix anything. That person would need him to fill a void if she’s not able to walk away from this herself. 

Glad you’re choosing not to see him. It’s creepy the way he’s showing up like that. I hope you have something else planned for the weekend. Have you thought about getting away so you’re not at your house if he shows up? 

I am leaving town

[Myabee]

47 minutes ago, DingDang said:

Stand strong. 

I am 

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good for you, Myabee. 

Seriously. The probability that this would have been your Happily Ever After is very low, even if he had left his wife. Why? You almost surely would have serious trust issues with him, knowing that he is perfectly okay with lying and cheating. Don't think you wouldn't have started to worry every time he was running late. Every time he smirked to himself when a message came through on his phone. Every time he suddenly needed to take a call out of earshot, or travel somewhere on short notice. Every time he seemed distant or distracted. Every time he was too tired for sex, or didn't seem interested in cuddling or kissing. Every time his ex-wife got in touch. Every time he laughed a little too loudly at a pretty female coworker's jokes. 

You also have no clue how compatible you two would even be as a couple. You've never properly dated, so you have no ability to predict how well you two would mesh once you're free of all limitations. Maybe you wouldn't like him so much as a real boyfriend, maybe he wouldn't like you so much as a real girlfriend. The novelty of an affair can wear off really quickly once the mystery and forbidden thrills are yanked out the equation. 

I just don't see a happy future for you with his man. This doesn't seem to be one of those situations in which a couple that started as an affair has much chance of actually transitioning into a real, happy, lifelong partnership. 

Yes i have questioned all of the above as he has done the same 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I didn’t call you a damsel in distress. I said a damsel in distress would react to him coming over assuming he can right or fix anything. That person would need him to fill a void if she’s not able to walk away from this herself. 

Glad you’re choosing not to see him. It’s creepy the way he’s showing up like that. I hope you have something else planned for the weekend. Have you thought about getting away so you’re not at your house if he shows up? 

i have a feeling he will cancel his plans lol 

[Miss Spider]

5 hours ago, Myabee said:

He sent me a text with a picture of a plane ticket. He wants to spend a few days in person with me. I too think its a money thing that keeps him shes 4 years older and makes more. They have no fancy house, just a modest one. Thanks for being there for me cookie xxx 

You know I’m pulling for you, girl. want you to be happy. 
 

It sounds like it’s true he’s not happy because he spends that much time talking to you/chatting with you and not her. Wish he’d man up and leave though if that’s really the case. 

[glows]

25 minutes ago, Myabee said:

i have a feeling he will cancel his plans lol 

Typical, I suppose. Everything a facade.

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

You know I’m pulling for you, girl. want you to be happy. 
 

It sounds like it’s true he’s not happy because he spends that much time talking to you/chatting with you and not her. Wish he’d man up and leave though if that’s really the case. 

He's not happy and he's a whimp! He is clearly staying with her for the money! And thank you. 

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Typical, I suppose. Everything a facade.

After his last message..... this is a very unstable man and for my safety I blocked him. Thank god he does not have my address. 

[Starswillshine]

23 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

 

It sounds like it’s true he’s not happy because he spends that much time talking to you/chatting with you and not her. Wish he’d man up and leave though if that’s really the case. 

Unfortunately this is not always the case. And it is what keeps OW thinking he will pick her. But usually it just means he spends time talking to the OW when his wife is not available. 

[Myabee]

33 minutes ago, Myabee said:

After his last message..... this is a very unstable man and for my safety I blocked him. Thank god he does not have my address. 

The lack of sex is an issue for me. But as I sit here today it’s not enough to end an otherwise good marriage ( in my opinion) anymore than having lots of sex is enough to hold one together. I don’t know what my opinion will be a year from now. Or two years from now. The messy and confusing part is the connection we obviously have.

 

Yeah ok no thanks unstable freak

[Myabee]

14 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Unfortunately this is not always the case. And it is what keeps OW thinking he will pick her. But usually it just means he spends time talking to the OW when his wife is not available. 

yup

[Myabee]

21 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Unfortunately this is not always the case. And it is what keeps OW thinking he will pick her. But usually it just means he spends time talking to the OW when his wife is not available. 

Oh i think he is unhappy... for sure and now back peddling. Full of s***! He's in a classic security marriage

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Myabee said:

The messy and confusing part is the connection we obviously have.

You can connect with someone and still not want them for your life partner. A good connection does not a good life partner make - lots of people out there with a “good connection” that are in unhealthy relationships that they should have never started/left a long time ago…

I would suggest respectfully that you may have had a “good connection” but you don’t truly know this man. So in that way, you don’t know that he would have been a good partner for you. I would file this under - potential opportunity that was never able to be explored because the timing was all wrong and he was not available. Not much lost here - life is full of these opportunities. You are more likely to have this experience than the few times that the stars line up and everything comes together to present a legitimate relationship opportunity. 

Edited August 20, 2021 by BaileyB

[RebeccaR]

Seems like it took him way too long to realize the obvious fact that just because 2 people are attracted to each other (physically and emotionally), it doesn’t mean they are destined to be partners.

A lot of affairs could be avoided if people understood this.

[Starswillshine]

7 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Oh i think he is unhappy... for sure and now back peddling. Full of s***! He's in a classic security marriage

Except you have no idea if he is truly unhappy. You assume this because he told you this. He also told you that he is indeed happy in his marriage. 

I doubt very seriously they have not had sex in 13 years. You have to stop picking and choosing which things are truth and which are lies. He lies. Period. 

You are quite all over the map too..

[Miss Spider]

But then why on earth is he having “nonstop communication”for 13 months and 3000 miles away? He sounds lonely. Why is it so hard to believe that he might be unhappy? Lots of people are unhappy in their marriages. 

It’s true he might be lying and just likes her too, but it is still a possibility. What do I know though

Edited August 20, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

But then why on earth is he having “nonstop communication”for 13 months and 3000 miles away? It would take a pretty strong connection for me if I were with someone else and then having non-stop communication with another. Why is it so hard to believe that he might be unhappy? Lots of people are unhappy in their marriages. 

It’s true he might be lying but it is still a possibility. What do I know though

Because he is bored. Just like we spend all this time on this forum; I certainly do not have a true connection with any of you. It is a time filler. 

Because he gets ego boost. Because he gets his rocks off. Because OP is many miles away and is a safer bet than someone who can knock on his door. 

So many reasons..... 

He may be unhappy. He may be happy. But he is straight up telling OP he is NOT leaving his wife. So she can continue to be an sexting friend with maybe a couple cross country flights to romp around in bed for real. Or she can leave but that is what he is offering. He is not offering a real relationship. 

[Miss Spider]

16 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Because he is bored. Just like we spend all this time on this forum; I certainly do not have a true connection with any of you. It is a time filler. 

Because he gets ego boost. Because he gets his rocks off. Because OP is many miles away and is a safer bet than someone who can knock on his door. 

So many reasons..... 

He may be unhappy. He may be happy. But he is straight up telling OP he is NOT leaving his wife. So she can continue to be an sexting friend with maybe a couple cross country flights to romp around in bed for real. Or she can leave but that is what he is offering. He is not offering a real relationship. 

That could be true. So do you think instead of talking with his wife he might be talking with her because she’s more interesting and provides an ego boost.  Because I spend time on this forum because it’s fun

& you think the distance might make it feel less real to him 

Edited August 20, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Myabee]

24 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Except you have no idea if he is truly unhappy. You assume this because he told you this. He also told you that he is indeed happy in his marriage. 

I doubt very seriously they have not had sex in 13 years. You have to stop picking and choosing which things are truth and which are lies. He lies. Period. 

You are quite all over the map too..

Me all over the map? Well sure because he's all of the map. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

He is clearly staying with her for the money!

 

33 minutes ago, Myabee said:

 He's in a classic security marriage

Does it make you feel good to denigrate them? 

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yeah, I suppose that could be true.  So do you think instead of talking with his wife he might be talking with her because she’s more interesting and provides an ego boost.  Because I spend time on this forum because it’s fun

 

Bolded. especially true and the bottom line

Not necessarily that she is more interesting. Could be a few things:

Wife isn't available. OP has stated he texts during the day and then they stop when OP goes to bed... which is dinner time for him in his time zone. Wife works during the day. So he is talking to OP during the day. However, he could easily be taking to his wife as well. 

When you have been with someone for a long time, especially married and living together. You know all the details of their life because you spend it together. You have likely already heard most of the life stories. You typically even know how they will feel about any subject, etc. That isnt to say you don't talk. My boyfriend and I can spend hours talking. My ex husband and I who were together for 20 years would frequently make 8 hr road trips without ever putting on the radio (he cheated) because we talked the entire time.

It isnt a more thing. There is typically not one better than the other. And while some cheater will think about it one being better than the other in an area or two, it usually isn't about better... it is about different. 

If you eat steak every single day for a year, you may be happy to eat a bowl of cereal instead. Very small amount of people would consider cereal better than a perfectly cooked steak. But the same thing over and over again can get stale. This is where commitment, loyalty, etc comes in. 

[Myabee]

18 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Because he is bored. Just like we spend all this time on this forum; I certainly do not have a true connection with any of you. It is a time filler. 

Because he gets ego boost. Because he gets his rocks off. Because OP is many miles away and is a safer bet than someone who can knock on his door. 

So many reasons..... 

He may be unhappy. He may be happy. But he is straight up telling OP he is NOT leaving his wife. So she can continue to be an sexting friend with maybe a couple cross country flights to romp around in bed for real. Or she can leave but that is what he is offering. He is not offering a real relationship. 

bingo! 

[Myabee]

24 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

But then why on earth is he having “nonstop communication”for 13 months and 3000 miles away? He sounds lonely. Why is it so hard to believe that he might be unhappy? Lots of people are unhappy in their marriages. 

It’s true he might be lying and just likes her too, but it is still a possibility. What do I know though

I think he is lonely, bored, sexless for sure and in a happy enough roommate marriage. He has been using me to fill time, to talk about his marriage, and for ego strokes. i’m done he now knows it! Def issues in the marriage he needs to address also has used me as a therapist. No thank you to any of this anymore. 

[mark clemson]

FWIW, I do think this trip out "move" was to re-establish the affair (specifically) and/or be intimate. There is just a LOT of ground to cover between this and being divorced and available, particularly for a man who lives 3000 miles away.

I think, like so many in affairs appear to be, he is using this as a band aid for a bad marriage. And Myabee I'll note that IF I genuinely thought otherwise and that accepting this might realistically be in your best interests, I'd be fine with saying so.

I will note that you seem to oscillate between "loving" this man and disliking him enough to be happy to disrupt his life with a Dday. I really think you need to take some time to "find your own center". It sounds like you are being carried this way and that on tides of emotion and "drama". But ultimately isn't that just exhausting and counter-productive?

Since you're divorcing your current H anyhow and that's not even done with, maybe focus on completing that (or reconciling IF that's actually in the cards) and becoming grounded. That way you'll be more likely IMO to be starting a next relationship off on the right footing.