do they actually leave?

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I interpreted the guilt as being about how he feels he is betraying his wife by just talking to the OP...

I don’t actually think he’s feeling all that guilty… I think it’s just what one says in this situation. “It’s not you, it’s me. I feel badly for you. I don’t know what I want but it’s not fair to hold you back…” Whether he is actually confused or not, I think he is doing exactly what he wants and yes, he’s telling OP to leave him alone because he doesn’t see a future together. 

Edited August 10, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Myabee said:

He claims he is taking Wellbutrin to take care of some depression.  He also claims that will lift some fog as to what if left with his marriage and what could be with me. Umm helloooo? Are you kidding me was my thought??? Then i proceeded to say so we have no future? He went silent. I pulled out of him the fact that he does not want to give up on his marriage. ... I'm just like what is this guys deal???  

It sounds to me like he's conflicted and likes the idea of being with you, but when you explored that, that's all it is. So I think it's accurate that "actions will speak louder than words" in a case like this and you can look to his actions (or lack thereof, which is the case here) to tell you what's what.

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds to me like he's conflicted and likes the idea of being with you, but when you explored that, that's all it is. So I think it's accurate that "actions will speak louder than words" in a case like this and you can look to his actions (or lack thereof, which is the case here) to tell you what's what.

 

he says:

 

I know that I have strong feelings for you. And I know that I’m not ready to end my marriage or start a new life. I don’t think any of those feelings are going to change anytime soon. I don’t know what else to say. 

 

Im done 😢

[mark clemson]

Sad, but yes, I'd take him at his word on that. IF you quit him you would have the option to look for someone you could fully have, which might be a nice change. Up to you...

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Myabee said:

He seems to need hand holding that kind of creepy.

"Hand holding" would be him asking you to wait and stay with him until he tells her he's in love with you and files for divorce.   Then there would be a waiting period of a month to get all of that done.  Has he asked you to do that?

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, Myabee said:

 

he says:

 

I know that I have strong feelings for you. And I know that I’m not ready to end my marriage or start a new life. I don’t think any of those feelings are going to change anytime soon. I don’t know what else to say. 

 

Im done 😢

This means that he isn't leaving his wife but he cares enough about you to continue to sneak around for sex with youwhen it's convenient but don't expect anything more.  Again,  MM mumbo jumbo.  Do they ever change their script?  No.  

[Myabee]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This means that he isn't leaving his wife but he cares enough about you to continue to sneak around for sex with youwhen it's convenient but don't expect anything more.  Again,  MM mumbo jumbo.  Do they ever change their script?  No.  

I just concluded that! I'm done. I'm being played. He's been playing a mental health card on me. Like hellooo? I can see right through you bull. I admit though at the start I thought he was genuine. Is the No contact forum helpful on here?   

[Myabee]

25 minutes ago, stillafool said:

"Hand holding" would be him asking you to wait and stay with him until he tells her he's in love with you and files for divorce.   Then there would be a waiting period of a month to get all of that done.  Has he asked you to do that?

None of which he is willing to go. He talks about unpacking boxes he needs to sort through! No dude. You need to fix your marriage and stop cheating on your wife. 

[Myabee]

I can't seem to locate a NC thread on here to post on so I'm putting this here. Feel free to move it. Long story short a year ago I connected with a guy I knew long ago he is married we ended up falling in love. He lives 3000 miles away but I say him in May. The whole thing has been back and forth between friends, FWB, talk about a future and I'm done. My post are in the Om/OW forum. I'm starting no contact right away. This is going to be so tough i need support. 

[glows]

It’s not in our /your power to change him though. He will or won’t do whatever he pleases because he can. Some people take advantage of situations and people. What you can do is see it and recognize it, simply avoid it and get away from those individuals especially where it’s at the expense of others.

I also think you ought to be prepared that if it’s not you it’s another woman to have an affair with. He’s crossed that boundary and I doubt he won’t cross it again. The sad part is that there’s nothing very special about the space or position you hold because you can be replaced. You have emotional ties to him but nothing else and he is 3000km away. So in actuality, all you have are a whole lot of words, some voice calls with the odd meet up here and there.

Try not to get lost in the titles and words, “friends”, “FWB” and so on - all further illusions to cloak the truth. What it is is a married man sneaking around to see a single woman who wants him to leave his wife. It’s a constant push and pull. The problem is that you’re still looking for him to make changes. He’s not going to change. There’ll be someone else to take your place when you’re gone too. 

[glows]

Rooting for you and sending you lots of support. Great idea.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Myabee said:

And I know that I’m not ready to end my marriage or start a new life.

This is where it ends, OP. 

He's been clear. He's not going to leave his wife and be with you. 

[NYAG]

11 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

This guy's "deal" is the same as it's always been. He's a MM who is not leaving his wife, and you are the side piece, the distraction from his real life. But at least you see it clearly now, so you can stick to NC and get him out of your system. 

I mean, this IS the standard requirement from almost every MM. Us APs are always the distraction, until we're not.

[NYAG]

11 hours ago, Myabee said:

Well its been more then that. He claims i threw his life off. Since I came along he questions everything. 

Ah, the get out clause, you made him behave badly and he never meant to. Don't let him make you feel like that. He's a grown adult. Noone forced him.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Myabee said:

 I know that I’m not ready to end my marriage or start a new life

Excellent he was honest and set you free from this.

Now you can delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

You can move forward with peace and happiness and find honest decent single men to date.

[Myabee]

6 hours ago, glows said:

Rooting for you and sending you lots of support. Great idea.

Thank I truly need it. 

[Myabee]

7 hours ago, glows said:

It’s not in our /your power to change him though. He will or won’t do whatever he pleases because he can. Some people take advantage of situations and people. What you can do is see it and recognize it, simply avoid it and get away from those individuals especially where it’s at the expense of others.

I also think you ought to be prepared that if it’s not you it’s another woman to have an affair with. He’s crossed that boundary and I doubt he won’t cross it again. The sad part is that there’s nothing very special about the space or position you hold because you can be replaced. You have emotional ties to him but nothing else and he is 3000km away. So in actuality, all you have are a whole lot of words, some voice calls with the odd meet up here and there.

Try not to get lost in the titles and words, “friends”, “FWB” and so on - all further illusions to cloak the truth. What it is is a married man sneaking around to see a single woman who wants him to leave his wife. It’s a constant push and pull. The problem is that you’re still looking for him to make changes. He’s not going to change. There’ll be someone else to take your place when you’re gone too. 

I'm truly guilty myself for becoming involved in the first place. I agree with your assessment fully. In fact,  the whole reason I posted here in the first place was to ask the question do MM ever leave? Deep down I was looking for some to say Yes they do to validate my feelings when in all actuality, I already knew the answer. I also did try to give him the benefit of the doubt thinking I was a one time mistake as far as crossing boundaries. The truth is I most likely am not. He is clearly just like all other MM that cheat. He is vulnerable do to the non existent sex in his marriage and the lack of emotional intimacy. He kept saying that he really wished we could get it back to friends. I was like NO. You see if I continue a friendship with him then I am sending a message that he can have his cake and eat it too which is exactly what this man wants. He wants a woman like me to stroke his ego, listen and then some. That should come from his spouse not me. While the most gut wrenching part is the loss of friendship for me, there is NO way I am giving him what he wants. Thats selfish on his part. He can go find that somewhere else. Some days I do feel like telling his wife!! But I would be to afraid to do that.  

Edited August 11, 2021 by Myabee

[Starswillshine]

This is the thing about cheating people that everyone should remember.. 

They lie. They wake up every day and lie to the person they promised to love and respect. They lie to their children. They put their well being at risk everytime they cheat. That lying does not happen only to their wife and their family. 

They are typically huge conflict  avoiders. They either do not want to deal with the drama or are not comfortable dealing with upset people. They say they don't want to hurt their wives, can't deal with it, etc. Etc... this extends to the affair partner as well. They tell the AP what they believe the AP wants to hear. 

When it comes to the end of the affair, most married people can see the risk of all their actions. And they are faced with how to end it without pissing off the affair partner so much that the AP goes bunny boiler. They do not want to be exposed... whether they worry their AP will tell the spouse or they worry the AP will go nuts blowing up the phone and that creates a DDay. So they have to let the AP down easily. "You are my true love, if only we met at different times." 

Because the cheater is a deceiver, he/she is worried the AP is as well. In the way, he really does not know the AP. The AP is not predictable. So he cannot trust being honest and upfront will work in his favor. 

 

I say all of this to say.... trust only the facts. Take all emotions out of it. Forget how sad someone may have sounded. Forget the words he may have used. What are the simple facts? He's married. He is not leaving. And he wants out of the affair. The end. 

Then thank the heavens for sending you a clear message. Move on without confusion. Then focus on the healing. Put all of your energy into healing and doing what is best for you. 

[Myabee]

59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent he was honest and set you free from this.

Now you can delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

You can move forward with peace and happiness and find honest decent single men to date.

Well now wise it's going to take me a bit to get over this. The loss of friendship really hurts. The fact that I was played really hurts. 

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, NYAG said:

Ah, the get out clause, you made him behave badly and he never meant to. Don't let him make you feel like that. He's a grown adult. Noone forced him.

Yup! There were red flags all over his behavior for a year. I refuse to be his pawn. His ego stroke. His spouse should be. Bravo MM you're just like the rest of them. Cake eater! 

[ExpatInItaly]

Every time you get the urge to write him, write that message in a private journal instead. 

Get the words out, but don't send them. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

Well now wise it's going to take me a bit to get over this. The loss of friendship really hurts. The fact that I was played really hurts. 

Think of it this way - you will learn from this, you won’t fall for this kind of situation again. 

[Myabee]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Think of it this way - you will learn from this, you won’t fall for this kind of situation again. 

Yes. Lesson learned. Sadly I did not place him in the slime department as I believed his lies. All lies thats what they are. 🙄

[Myabee]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Every time you get the urge to write him, write that message in a private journal instead. 

Get the words out, but don't send them. 

Thats a good idea. Thank you. This wont be easy as the friendship I miss the most. But I cant be friends as then I'm giving him what he wants. Let his wife do that. F him.  

Edited August 11, 2021 by Myabee

[glows]

How are you doing so far? Keep writing here if it helps.