Author Myabee Posted July 16, 2021 Author Share Posted July 16, 2021 15 minutes ago, glows said: I hear you... been there. You know there's one saying that kind of got to me when someone said it to me once. It was "it'll run its course". I think it's because it was the very person I was seeing at the time who said it, knew the relationship was not good and didn't have the balls to end it even though he was a jerk. This was ages ago, possibly the third guy I ever dated back then. Very annoying phrase but it stuck out. So whenever I sense that there may be an in-limbo phase I'm jolted out of it by that memory because I don't like living like that. I really like this Glow. I do think it will run it's course. I mean after all he is 3,000 miles away. Of course I wish we could get it back to Hockey and Football texts as we both like those sports and I enjoyed that part of our friendship before the feelings got in the way. However, I'm not a fool and do know it's impossible to go back to that. We tried that once already back in Nov when he said this is wrong the cheating on my wife. Can't we just leave it at friends? I said yes. So all the way from then until just after that trip he went on with her I figured we were good. But then when he came full at me disclosing that he can't see life with her, had a miserable time and so on and so on he wanted to crank up the heat. I stepped back in. These situations are not pleasant and I never imagined I would be in one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 16, 2021 Share Posted July 16, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Myabee said: I really like this Glow. I do think it will run it's course. I mean after all he is 3,000 miles away. Of course I wish we could get it back to Hockey and Football texts as we both like those sports and I enjoyed that part of our friendship before the feelings got in the way. However, I'm not a fool and do know it's impossible to go back to that. We tried that once already back in Nov when he said this is wrong the cheating on my wife. Can't we just leave it at friends? I said yes. So all the way from then until just after that trip he went on with her I figured we were good. But then when he came full at me disclosing that he can't see life with her, had a miserable time and so on and so on he wanted to crank up the heat. I stepped back in. These situations are not pleasant and I never imagined I would be in one. This is kind of sad because I remember parts of my marriage where I did suspect there may be someone else but I don't think there was anything physical involved. I'm coming from the wife's perspective. My ex wasn't a trustworthy person as he lied about several big things and I'm not the anxious or paranoid type (he was) so I'm not certain if there ever was someone else even though he denies it. He was very similar to this man though, always back and forth. If one thing didn't suit him, he moved to the next best thing without thinking about anything carefully or the long term effects or how it would affect others. Distracted is what I called it. All I can tell you is that even if their marriage doesn't make it he will likely be an even bigger mess/headcase than he is now. If you think he's confused now, wait until his wife rejects him. You're wading into a world of chaos and hurt and I'm really sorry. No one ever wishes to be in something like this. I know your divorce is in process so it's a waiting game at the moment. Once you're truly single, marital status and all, I really doubt any of this will make sense anymore. There are so much more greener pastures waiting for you. Edited July 16, 2021 by glows 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 16, 2021 Share Posted July 16, 2021 4 hours ago, Myabee said: Regular attraction and weakness for sure. Ok, then this is fortunately probably not a huge problem yet. That also means it's on you. I refer you back to the earlier advice about applying wu wei and doing an all-stop on romantic stuff in your life generally until you feel clear headed again. No doubt it's easier said than done, but you gotta make a firm decision unless you're actually ok with doing this. Even if you are, it probably doesn't amount to much (given the distance) except a lot of wishing, hoping, and perhaps longing that goes nowhere in the end. The most likely scenario IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 16, 2021 Share Posted July 16, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Myabee said: I do think it will run it's course. I mean after all he is 3,000 miles away. Agree. Both of you are in no position to date. So you're talking, commiserating, etc. and that's fine. Even though you are separated, it would be a turn off to try to date with that hanging over your head. Edited July 16, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted July 16, 2021 Share Posted July 16, 2021 On 7/14/2021 at 4:49 PM, Myabee said: No way! He needs to man up and speak to her!!! I am not doing that. Are you scared he will throw you under the bus and youll see how much of a "best friend" he really is? That would be your only actual fear in my opinion. If his marriage is so awful, then as your best friend, he would thank you for helping him find a way out of his terribly awful, no good marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 16, 2021 Author Share Posted July 16, 2021 1 hour ago, glows said: This is kind of sad because I remember parts of my marriage where I did suspect there may be someone else but I don't think there was anything physical involved. I'm coming from the wife's perspective. My ex wasn't a trustworthy person as he lied about several big things and I'm not the anxious or paranoid type (he was) so I'm not certain if there ever was someone else even though he denies it. He was very similar to this man though, always back and forth. If one thing didn't suit him, he moved to the next best thing without thinking about anything carefully or the long term effects or how it would affect others. Distracted is what I called it. All I can tell you is that even if their marriage doesn't make it he will likely be an even bigger mess/headcase than he is now. If you think he's confused now, wait until his wife rejects him. You're wading into a world of chaos and hurt and I'm really sorry. No one ever wishes to be in something like this. I know your divorce is in process so it's a waiting game at the moment. Once you're truly single, marital status and all, I really doubt any of this will make sense anymore. There are so much more greener pastures waiting for you. Glow, I really appreciate your perspective. Thank you a bunch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 16, 2021 Author Share Posted July 16, 2021 30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Agree. Both of you are in no position to date. So you're talking, commiserating, etc. and that's fine. Even though you are separated, it would be a turn off to try to date with that hanging over your head. Yes no position to date at all. I also think that for both of us we were very much caught off gaurd. I mean 3000 miles is some distance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 17, 2021 Author Share Posted July 17, 2021 50 minutes ago, Daisydooks said: Are you scared he will throw you under the bus and youll see how much of a "best friend" he really is? That would be your only actual fear in my opinion. If his marriage is so awful, then as your best friend, he would thank you for helping him find a way out of his terribly awful, no good marriage. No! That is not my place. It was never my place to even cross the boundaries that I have. I'm far from innocent here, but I am not telling his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted August 10, 2021 Author Share Posted August 10, 2021 So I did go on vacation and kept intouch with MM. I was too weak to end it. We Tried keeping it at friends and a couple times it slipped back into FWB. He has been my best friend for over a year now. However, Today i called him because I wanted to ask him more about the medication he went on. He claims he is taking Wellbutrin to take care of some depression. He also claims that will lift some fog as to what if left with his marriage and what could be with me. Umm helloooo? Are you kidding me was my thought??? Then i proceeded to say so we have no future? He went silent. I pulled out of him the fact that he does not want to give up on his marriage. I called him a cake eater in a nice way if there is a nice way to say that. i told him I am not texting him again! Im not devastated at all I'm just like what is this guys deal??? Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 This guy's "deal" is the same as it's always been. He's a MM who is not leaving his wife, and you are the side piece, the distraction from his real life. But at least you see it clearly now, so you can stick to NC and get him out of your system. 7 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 His deal is pretty clear and straightforward if you are able to look at the situation objectively. Things get cloudy when you have sex with the man and you want/hope to be his girlfriend… Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted August 10, 2021 Author Share Posted August 10, 2021 8 minutes ago, BaileyB said: His deal is pretty clear and straightforward if you are able to look at the situation objectively. Things get cloudy when you have sex with the man and you want/hope to be his girlfriend… Well its been more then that. He claims i threw his life off. Since I came along he questions everything. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 2 minutes ago, Myabee said: Well its been more then that. He claims i threw his life off. Since I came along he questions everything. Well then, he can sort himself out and contact you when he is divorced. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted August 10, 2021 Author Share Posted August 10, 2021 8 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Well then, he can sort himself out and contact you when he is divorced. I highly doubt he would wait until divorce is final it would be more like when he tells her hes done. He seems to need hand holding that kind of creepy. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Myabee said: I highly doubt he would wait until divorce is final it would be more like when he tells her hes done. He seems to need hand holding that kind of creepy. There are many women on this site who did just that, only to have their MM decide to go back to their wives or go off in search of someone new. If you want to be used in that way, that is your decision. Personally, I have little interest in providing emotional support to a man while he ends his marriage. If he can’t make that decision on his own and deal with his own stuff, then he’s not going to be a very good life partner - don’t you think? Edited August 10, 2021 by BaileyB 4 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted August 10, 2021 Author Share Posted August 10, 2021 22 minutes ago, BaileyB said: There are many women on this site who did just that, only to have their MM decide to go back to their wives or go off in search of someone new. If you want to be used in that way, that is your decision. Personally, I have little interest in providing emotional support to a man while he ends his marriage. If he can’t make that decision on his own and deal with his own stuff, then he’s not going to be a very good life partner - don’t you think? Yessss! You nailed it. I think I need to come right out and tell him that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted August 10, 2021 Author Share Posted August 10, 2021 14 minutes ago, Myabee said: Yessss! You nailed it. I think I need to come right out and tell him that. I do get that and don’t want you to feel bad. It was definitely more my fault. I honestly don’t know what I want anymore. I’ve been comfortable for a long time and that’s probably a form of happiness. Or that’s what I tell myself. But now I’m second guessing everything. But I can’t keep stringing you along while I figure things out ( which may take a year or more). Like we’ve both said we don’t know what the future holds. But given my situation even having a conversation like this makes me feel guilty. And it’s not fair for me to put you through that either. he says this Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 3 minutes ago, Myabee said: he says this What do you hear him saying when he tells you this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted August 10, 2021 Author Share Posted August 10, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: What do you hear him saying when he tells you this? I'm not sure! What do you hear???? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Myabee said: Like we’ve both said we don’t know what the future holds. I hear a man who is very confused, has no idea what he wants for his life, and is feeling guilty about giving you hope because he can’t promise anything right now. If I had a man say this to me, and I have, I would wish him well and walk away… assuming that your intention is to be in an actual relationship. This is not your guy - he is telling you that he is not available to be in a relationship with you right now. If he is saying it, I would believe him. Edited August 10, 2021 by BaileyB 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 7 minutes ago, Myabee said: I'm not sure! What do you hear???? I hear he is saying Bye Bye. "It's not you, its me, I m letting you go for your own good. I don't want you waiting around for me because I am not worth the wait... I don't know what I really want from my marriage, but you are not what I need or want, sorry." 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 (edited) 24 minutes ago, BaileyB said: is feeling guilty about giving you hope I interpreted the guilt as being about how he feels he is betraying his wife by just talking to the OP... If he doesn't want to give up on his marriage as he admitted, then he needs to clear the decks completely. There is no room for anything he may feel the teensiest bit of guilt about. Edited August 10, 2021 by elaine567 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted August 10, 2021 Author Share Posted August 10, 2021 32 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I hear a man who is very confused, has no idea what he wants for his life, and is feeling guilty about giving you hope because he can’t promise anything right now. If I had a man say this to me, and I have, I would wish him well and walk away… assuming that your intention is to be in an actual relationship. This is not your guy - he is telling you that he is not available to be in a relationship with you right now. If he is saying it, I would believe him. 😢 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted August 10, 2021 Author Share Posted August 10, 2021 10 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I interpreted the guilt as being about how he feels he is betraying his wife by just talking to the OP... If he doesn't want to give up on his marriage as he admitted, then he needs to clear the decks completely. There is no room for anything he may feel the teensiest bit of guilt about. He is real confused Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 Just now, Myabee said: He is real confused I don't think he is confused at all. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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