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do they actually leave?

Myabee

By Myabee
in The Other Man / Woman

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Maylady Established Member

Maylady

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1 minute ago, Myabee said:

Excuse me! No thank you. I am not ever contacting his wife. Not my place at all. I am not placing my happiness today tomorrow or ever on him. I do not care if he ends up staying which will most likely be the case.  

I've been the other woman...I wanted to tell his wife everything.  I see it all the time on this forum..as soon as he cuts things off...boom...you want to hurt him...like we were hurt.  Unfortunately in my case we lived in the same neighbourhood, and she told my husband everything instead.

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Myabee Established Member

Myabee

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10 minutes ago, Maylady said:

I've been the other woman...I wanted to tell his wife everything.  I see it all the time on this forum..as soon as he cuts things off...boom...you want to hurt him...like we were hurt.  Unfortunately in my case we lived in the same neighbourhood, and she told my husband everything instead.

He is not making any promises to me that he is leaving. He is going to work on himself by obtaining an actual therapist. He also needs to have a talk with her and thats between them. I can't focus on what's going on with them or really even him for that matter. Day by day I guess. 

Maylady Established Member

Maylady

Posted
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2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

He is not making any promises to me that he is leaving. He is going to work on himself by obtaining an actual therapist. He also needs to have a talk with her and thats between them. I can't focus on what's going on with them or really even him for that matter. Day by day I guess. 

I wish you luck...I personally never want to be In that situation ever again... mine was a very short affair.  Maybe two months...but i fell hard...his wife found out because he mistakenly texted her a message meant for me.  She booted him out immediately.   So we texted when he was away from her.  But once she decided she'd try to save the marriage...he dropped me like a hot potato.  He told me to just stop and go far far away.  Meanwhile whenever she saw me in town, she was yelling out slut and other things.  She found my address, went to my house and her and my husband went out for a drink, and she told him everything.  I check out their facebook at times...and they seem really happy...they joke and say say loving things to one another.  He told me I was the biggest mistake of his life.  It was the most shameful thing in my life.  Still struggling...that's what's in your future if you continue on this path

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Myabee Established Member

Myabee

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8 hours ago, Maylady said:

I wish you luck...I personally never want to be In that situation ever again... mine was a very short affair.  Maybe two months...but i fell hard...his wife found out because he mistakenly texted her a message meant for me.  She booted him out immediately.   So we texted when he was away from her.  But once she decided she'd try to save the marriage...he dropped me like a hot potato.  He told me to just stop and go far far away.  Meanwhile whenever she saw me in town, she was yelling out slut and other things.  She found my address, went to my house and her and my husband went out for a drink, and she told him everything.  I check out their facebook at times...and they seem really happy...they joke and say say loving things to one another.  He told me I was the biggest mistake of his life.  It was the most shameful thing in my life.  Still struggling...that's what's in your future if you continue on this path

I'm sorry that happened to you. I never just said oh how about I get myself involved with a man who is committed to someone else for it went against everything I believe in.  I did share in another thread about the fall out him and I had 4 months in which was last Nov. He wanted out. He felt immense guilt yet wanted to keep me in his life to some degree. He admitted he was crazy in love with me and he had no right to be. I admit I definitely lost it a bit. I was sullen and depressed through the holidays. However, Not once did I entertain the idea of informing his spouse because I truly felt like if he did not fix himself and the dead marriage there could likely be another one of me someday and chances are she might find out on her own anyway. At this point we are putting it back to whatever a friendship looks like if that's possible while he goes on to explore himself in therapy and takes a good hard look at the marriage he’s currently in. Not ideal I know. On the flip side, the friendship still means a lot to me and I would truly hate to finally one day lose that. I guess what will be will be here. Not much I can do about it as I have no desire to start dating and was not looking for anyone else while working through my separation and divorce.   

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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You can’t stay friends with the man, for the obvious reason - you have feelings for each other and boundaries have been crossed.

But, let’s think about this from his wife’s perspective. How fair would that be to her? How would you feel if your husband decided to commit to his marriage and be “friends” with his affair partner? Would you have a problem with that?

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Myabee Established Member

Myabee

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56 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You can’t stay friends with the man, for the obvious reason - you have feelings for each other and boundaries have been crossed.

But, let’s think about this from his wife’s perspective. How fair would that be to her? How would you feel if your husband decided to commit to his marriage and be “friends” with his affair partner? Would you have a problem with that?

I most likely would have a problem with that yes. I do not wish to catapult him from my life entirely at this time though. I am not sure how to keep him in it to some degree? I know you will say I can't. However, I am not ready for that! Dilemma for sure. 🤢

Edited by Myabee
Crazelnut Established Member

Crazelnut

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Posted (edited)

This "friends" thing will NOT work. It keeps your feelings for him on simmer, when you need to just cut the burner off and let it go cold. That's the only way to end this affair. 

Seeing your last post, and it appears you want to learn every lesson the hard way. 

Edited by Crazelnut
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Myabee Established Member

Myabee

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11 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

This "friends" thing will NOT work. It keeps your feelings for him on simmer, when you need to just cut the burner off and let it go cold. That's the only way to end this affair. 

Seeing your last post, and it appears you want to learn every lesson the hard way. 

No! I was not intending to try to learn a lesson the hard way. It may all just simmer away with much less contact as friends. Kind of hoping it happens that way if he ends up staying put which will most likely happen. I will end up slightly bent but certainly not broken. Do you get it? 

RebeccaR Established Member

RebeccaR

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1 hour ago, Myabee said:

It may all just simmer away with much less contact as friends.

I think it’s possible you can let it fizzle out if that’s what you want. But it will be difficult if he resumes complaining about his wife and/or resumes the sexting and innuendos - both of which are quite likely. Do you have a plan for dealing with this? 

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Myabee Established Member

Myabee

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20 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

I think it’s possible you can let it fizzle out if that’s what you want. But it will be difficult if he resumes complaining about his wife and/or resumes the sexting and innuendos - both of which are quite likely. Do you have a plan for dealing with this? 

We are no longer sexting and we never really talked much about his wife. We did all of that in the first 5 months of this. I do think it can fizzle out with less contact. I did not have high hopes of this working out as for him leaving anyway. He lives 3000 miles away it's a major life change. If he did leave and was going to make that change, If I ended up feeling the way I have for the past 11 months then I would entertain the idea of being with him in the free and clear. 

spiritedaway2003 Established Member

spiritedaway2003

Posted
Posted (edited)
20 hours ago, Myabee said:

Going to have to stick this back to friends whatever that might look like for now.

If you both have feelings for each other the way you say you do, and are "best friends", then it would not be possible at all to be just friends.  At least not immediately or for the foreseeable future, that is.  Time and distance will help, and it sounds like you have the "distance" part working in your favor.

Edited by spiritedaway2003
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Myabee Established Member

Myabee

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46 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

If you both have feelings for each other the way you say you do, and are "best friends", then it would not be possible at all to be just friends.  At least not immediately or for the foreseeable future, that is.  Time and distance will help, and it sounds like you have the "distance" part working in your favor.

haha yes distance for sure. I hear you 

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Myabee Established Member

Myabee

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I can’t even believe I just sent him a love song. Just earlier today I was hell bent on trying to keep it at friends. He loved the song and replied “  I love you more then you will ever know”. I just want to cry. The mixed messages and craziness of all of this.. Help me for the lords sakes!!! 

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Posted
7 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I can’t even believe I just sent him a love song. Just earlier today I was hell bent on trying to keep it at friends. He loved the song and replied “  I love you more then you will ever know”. I just want to cry. The mixed messages and craziness of all of this.. Help me for the lords sakes!!! 

What do you want people to do? We’ve given you advice, it’s your decision whether you take it or not. 

You can’t be friends, clearly. No contact is the only way this will end, and YOU have to be the person to decide when you are ready. 

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Myabee Established Member

Myabee

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19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What do you want people to do? We’ve given you advice, it’s your decision whether you take it or not. 

You can’t be friends, clearly. No contact is the only way this will end, and YOU have to be the person to decide when you are ready. 

I’m not ready to be out of love with him. I feel so tired and cut up inside.

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Myabee said:

I’m not ready to be out of love with him. I feel so tired and cut up inside.

Is this really love, what you are feeling? 

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Myabee Established Member

Myabee

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1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Is this really love, what you are feeling? 

Yes. 100 million times yes. 

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Posted (edited)
50 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Yes. 100 million times yes. 

You may feel like you love him, but what about yourself? What about self love? Why do you chose to stay in a relationship that makes you feel this way? This, to me, isn’t love. 

Edited by BaileyB
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gwaimui Member

gwaimui

Posted
Posted

I've been following your other thread, but I am.not sure  what is it you want out of this relationship? He is 3000 miles away,  do you want to move there, he move where you are? Or continue LD? Do you want him to leave his wife, or are you okay with him staying? (Some people are okay with that).  Did you two discuss any plans? 

You say you don't really want to go.NC because you enjoy him too much, but you feel like you should, so what is it you really want? 

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HadMeOverABarrel Established Member

HadMeOverABarrel

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1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Help me for the lords sakes!!! 

The Lord helps those who help themselves. 😉

I'm not so surprised you sent him the love song. It's par for the course when you break no contact. There is no "just friends." It's just not possible under the circumstances. That's why the 'rule' to ending an affair is block everywhere no contact ever. 

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HadMeOverABarrel Established Member

HadMeOverABarrel

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27 minutes ago, gwaimui said:

You say you don't really want to go.NC because you enjoy him too much

OP I used to enjoy my xMM. I really did. I loved the way his mind worked and felt delighted when we communicated and exchanged ideas. 

The trouble is the rest of the time I was miserable and full of anxiety in between those times I was enjoying him. The anxious hours far outweighed the time we spent together.

One day I finally decided loving myself, taking care of myself, is more important than those moments of enjoyment.

I finally believed and would say to myself, "As much as I love him, I also love myself at least as much or more." I got out. I have no regrets. I would never go back again. I'm free! It feels awesome. 

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Myabee said:

Help me for the lords sakes!!! 

You have to help yourself first. 

Nobody can do it for you. 

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Crazelnut Established Member

Crazelnut

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Girl, I told you -- there can be no friendship if you're trying to fall OUT of love with someone. NC is your only hope. This is all on you know. You know what you need to do, but you won't do it.

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Myabee Established Member

Myabee

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7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You may feel like you love him, but what about yourself? What about self love? Why do you chose to stay in a relationship that makes you feel this way? This, to me, isn’t love. 

I do love myself and never expected to fall in love with him. 

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Myabee Established Member

Myabee

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1 minute ago, Crazelnut said:

Girl, I told you -- there can be no friendship if you're trying to fall OUT of love with someone. NC is your only hope. This is all on you know. You know what you need to do, but you won't do it.

Yes I am seeing that part about the no friendship. I truly have never been this weak.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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