New husband his flipped the script, now that the ink is dry

[GeorgiaPeach1]

My new husband is totally different now that we are married. Before, we were equal partners and he had a bunch of little and big ways he showed me affection. I know that things tend to settle down over time, but this seems unbearable and I'm losing interest and feeling trapped.

Some examples: I get stuck doing 90% of the chores, even though we both work full time. When he does pitch in, he only does half of the chore and it's only after I've nagged--which I hate doing. He used to love chatting with me about different topics, now he seems annoyed if I try to have a general conversation because it takes his attention away from video games. Intimacy has all but fallen off the map, and when it does happen I don't enjoy myself as much anymore because he expects me to be like the women in the dirty films he watches. Not only that, but it's hard for me to be attracted to him when I have to nag him to get help around the house. The care of our dogs and cleaning up after them has fallen to me most of the time. His finances are a wreck, which I didn't realize the full extent of when we were dating. Now my finances are not as good as they were before marriage. On top of that, he seems unable to make a decision about anything without consulting his mother. His hygiene and manners are not as great as they used to be. 

Another thing that bothers me is that when he knows I really want something, lets say a specific item from a store he's going to, he never seems to come through with exactly what I asked for. He adds some undesired twist, making it seem innocent or that he was trying to do me a favor. Also, if we agree to do chores or a project and he's supposed to have something done on a certain day, he seems to deliberately wait until the next day or two to do it. If we agree to meet up at a restaurant or some other place after work, he will keep me waiting by stopping by a gaming store or a relatives house to chat first.

I feel like he tricked me by making it seem he was marrying me for love, when in reality it seems he wanted a housekeeper, chef and bed slave.

I am NOT in a financial position to leave right now, and I would feel terrible throwing in the towel before I've tried everything. Any tips or suggestions? I'm really hoping to hear from people who are married or were married in the past. Thank you.

 

[Happy Lemming]

Did you two live together (prior to getting married)??

If so, for how long??

Did video games take up a lot of his free time (before marriage)??

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

he wanted a housekeeper, chef and bed slave.

Ok, just stop doing all of it. No cooking, shop and clean only your won stuff, etc. Nagging never helps but actions do. 

 Don't be home at dinnertime and don't shop for food . It's that simple.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Did you two live together (prior to getting married)??

If so, for how long??

Did video games take up a lot of his free time (before marriage)??

We lived together for several months after we got engaged. He was attentive, helpful and warm. Video games were just a hobby at that point, and not another full time job of his.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, just stop doing all of it. No cooking, shop and clean only your won stuff, etc. Nagging never helps but actions do. 

 Don't be home at dinnertime and don't shop for food . It's that simple.

I've seen a lot of your great advice on here, but I'm not sure being passive aggressive will help. I'm finding that he's one of these people that can tune out messiness, bad smells and he will just order out for dinner or pick up something on his way home from work.

I feel conned.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I find myself preferring to be at work instead of home.

[Seliana]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, just stop doing all of it. No cooking, shop and clean only your won stuff, etc. Nagging never helps but actions do. 

 Don't be home at dinnertime and don't shop for food . It's that simple.

I agree.

Just now, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I've seen a lot of your great advice on here, but I'm not sure being passive aggressive will help. I'm finding that he's one of these people that can tune out messiness, bad smells and he will just order out for dinner or pick up something on his way home from work.

I feel conned.

It's not being passive aggressive, it's sending a clear message about what you will/won't accept. If it makes you feel better not to be passive aggressive, tell him what you won't do and then stop doing it.

He's not going to magically change, and this will become the status quo if you don't stand up for yourself now. I was married for nearly 13 yrs, and I did most of the chores even when I worked full-time. It got old real fast, but I wasn't in a position to leave at the time, for many reasons.

Are you renting or do you own a home? Do you have friends or family closeby?

You're early on, please don't let this suck away your life. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I'm not sure being passive aggressive will help.

Standing up for yourself and not acting like a cleaning lady is not "passive aggressive".

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

We lived together for several months after we got engaged. He was attentive, helpful and warm. Video games were just a hobby at that point, and not another full time job of his.

It's odd that he was able to keep up a facade for several months.  I would have thought his "true colors" would have come out during that time.

5 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I feel conned.

Yes... it appears you've been deceived.

[d0nnivain]

Time for a come to Jesus talk.  Unplug the video game console & sit him down.  Talk about the changes you have experienced.  Ask how he'd feel if you were late, didn't do the house work & messed up the finances.  Make a budget together to address spending.  Have a plan. "Bribe" him a bit if you have to by telling him how much a house cleaned by him turns you on.  

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I find myself preferring to be at work instead of home.

I dated one (divorced) woman that told me a similar story.  When her supervisor (at work) told her she had completed all the "extra" work in the office and everything was "up to date", she cried, because she knew she would have to go home to her "man-child" husband.  She told me when she got home he was in his underwear playing video games.

[Seliana]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Time for a come to Jesus talk.  Unplug the video game console & sit him down.  Talk about the changes you have experienced.  Ask how he'd feel if you were late, didn't do the house work & messed up the finances.  Make a budget together to address spending.  Have a plan. "Bribe" him a bit if you have to by telling him how much a house cleaned by him turns you on.  

Make sure you don't have any joint credit cards together and consider separating finances if he doesn't take you seriously. That's whole "can't make a decision without consulting his mother" is not good at all. 

How the heck did he live before? How old are you both?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

10 minutes ago, Seliana said:

but I wasn't in a position to leave at the time, for many reasons

This is exactly my situation. I have no one that can help.

[Happy Lemming]

You could make yourself a nice dinner and serve him oodles of noodles (minimal prep time and clean up).

If he wants to act like a college kid, let him eat like one.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Time for a come to Jesus talk.  Unplug the video game console & sit him down.  Talk about the changes you have experienced.  Ask how he'd feel if you were late, didn't do the house work & messed up the finances.  Make a budget together to address spending.  Have a plan. "Bribe" him a bit if you have to by telling him how much a house cleaned by him turns you on.  

Good idea! I will try this. Thank you.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

3 minutes ago, Seliana said:

Make sure you don't have any joint credit cards together and consider separating finances if he doesn't take you seriously. That's whole "can't make a decision without consulting his mother" is not good at all. 

How the heck did he live before? How old are you both?

I found out his relatives were paying a housekeeper to come in periodically. He was also cleaning before I came over, and he helped out when we were engaged but not yet married. We are both well into adulthood.

Edited July 8, 2021 by GeorgiaPeach1

[Happy Lemming]

I think I already know the answer to this question, but do you think he might help you (around the house) if you created a "chore wheel"?? Where he could see what chores were his that week and which were yours, then you switch...

[Seliana]

Just now, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

This is exactly my situation. I have no one that can help.

At some point, he will force your hand and you will have to act, so don't remain silent now. I ended up divorcing him at the worst time of my life (recovering from major surgery). 

You're working full-time now, hopefully in good health. Time to speak up, make an agreement about things going forward and have a backup plan in case things get worse. If you're already not wanting to come home now, you're already at breaking point.

 

1 minute ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I found out his relatives were paying a housekeeper to come in periodically. He was also cleaning before I came over, and he helped out when we were engaged but not yet married. We are both well into adulthood.

Oh wow! This sounds eerily similar. My ex's apartment was spotless when we were dating/engaged. He turned into a slob after marriage (leaving food crusted plates everywhere, flinging dirty laundry everywhere BUT the hampers, leaving shavings in the sink) and never helped clean. He didn't cook either to compensate, eventually stopped maintaining the yard and complained every time I asked him to take out the garbage. 

Don't tolerate the entitlement and disrespect, it will only keep getting worse. 

[Elsa888]

Hi Georgia,

I know exactly where you are at and what you are experiencing and it's very confusing.

I also married a man thinking we would be equal partners, but somehow it turned into a scenario where all I was  was a sexual housekeeper.

I wish I could give you some positive feedback but I can't. 

Please get out of this NOW. (Capitals for emphasis, not shouting). Do it while you are strong enough to make a new life for yourself, and certainly before you bring children into the mix.

When I finally put my foot down and said I wasn't going to tolerate his disrespect, idleness and sulking he went out and had an affair. That in a way was good because then I had legal grounds to get rid of him.

Don't waste 5 years of your life like I did trying to carry a dysfunctional relationship all on your own.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation but you don't have to tolerate this.

[mark clemson]

I've been married well over 10 years and with the same woman over 20.

My comment is "uh oh".

Flexibility, compromise, and tolerance all very important in LTRs, but THIS sounds more like the sort of "emotional fraud" that's been discussed in a couple of threads. If that's so, then what you saw is NOT what you are actually getting; a sort of bait-and-switch now that you are locked down. That's at least how your post makes it appear.

By all means communicate and make some efforts to make it work. But I think you need to strongly consider looking reality square in the face here, too. There seems to be at least a reasonably high probability that you simply weren't allowed to see some signficant negatives that came with the package here.

[Elsa888]

Georgia,

Quote

I am NOT in a financial position to leave right now,

Can you say why this is the case?

Can you take steps to fix this?

It's difficult to make suggestions when we haven't got all the facts.

[Lotsgoingon]

Why can't you leave him financially? You were supporting yourself before you moved in with him, right?

I ask not to encourage you to leave but because the psychology of "I can't afford to leave" can block you from relaxing and taking the steps you need to fix the marriage. This feeling can make you act like you're powerless. And you can't stand up for a better marriage and feel powerless at the same time. Won't work. You'll over-compromise and fake like you're content when you aren't--and then resentment will build. 

And btw: you say you can't financially leave the marriage--so was finances a reason you married him? A big part of the reason you married him? Is there any chance then that you overlooked these problematic behaviors when you were dating and engaged?

Switching gears, some guys do shut down after work, particularly after stressful day at work and by stressful, I mean anything from intense concentration to a boss who's critical. Marriage can also trigger some Madonna-whore feelings where all of a sudden he steps into his idea of "husband" and that idea is basically asexual. 

Maybe start by expressing how much you want to spend time with him, and how much you miss that. See if you can start positive. Don't worry: there's plenty of time to go negative. 

Oh, is he on any meds? Some meds (such as some antidepressants) block libido. 

 

Edited July 8, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

You could make yourself a nice dinner and serve him oodles of noodles .If he wants to act like a college kid, let him eat like one.

Agree. Raman noodles and he can turn his underwear inside out when he runs out of clean clothes.

Don't mother him. That is the key here.

He's resisting his 'mommy' in some weird umbilical issue he's playing out in the marriage.  That's my Freudian 2 cents.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

41 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I've been married well over 10 years and with the same woman over 20.

My comment is "uh oh".

Flexibility, compromise, and tolerance all very important in LTRs, but THIS sounds more like the sort of "emotional fraud" that's been discussed in a couple of threads. If that's so, then what you saw is NOT what you are actually getting; a sort of bait-and-switch now that you are locked down. That's at least how your post makes it appear.

By all means communicate and make some efforts to make it work. But I think you need to strongly consider looking reality square in the face here, too. There seems to be at least a reasonably high probability that you simply weren't allowed to see some signficant negatives that came with the package here.

I should have known it was too good to be true--to have someone fall heads over heel from the beginning, and happily offering marriage so soon. I was under the impression that if it looks and feels good, then why wait?

Now I see that people should date for 2-3 years before getting married, and live together first for at least 6 months. Lesson learned, the hard way.

[Elsa888]

Wiseman,

Quote

He's resisting his 'mommy' in some weird umbilical issue he's playing out in the marriage.  That's my Freudian 2 cents.

 

 Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, at the end of the day who gives a tuppenny f*** what's going on in his head? The OP needs to get out of this dysfunctional situation before she gets too ground down to know which way is up.

Georgia - I am sorry to talk about you as if you weren't here x