immadweeb Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 Gay couple here. She is older than me. She has had less relationships than me, both platonically and romantically. I am self sufficient, great job(although takes a bit of my time(50-70/week), many happy relationships with others and really content with the life I have outside of her. I have plenty of activities I love to do, both by myself and with others. It seems like its the polar opposite with her. She is in school working on her post graduate work in order to "adult better" her words not mine, works a job she loves at times and wants to leave at others and has always been at the mercy of others in her life. I encourage her and give her tons of space. I avoid causing issues until they become issues. the problem: I cook, clean, take care of the cats, do the laundry, and give her tons of time to do anything and everything she might want. That's the problem. Instead of feeling blessed and willing to spend more time with me. She feels that 2 hours a week for a date is what she can handle. If it was up to her, it would be an hour. She wants to sit in the house and watch t.v. Which isn't really connecting with me. It's not even really a healthy relationship in my opinion. I can't wrap my head with the fact that she says she has boundaries but then decides not to respect mine. She doesn't communicate about them until after the fact (she is conflict avoidant), and she says she wont respect my boundaries about wanting quality time with her and needing her to communicate when she needs something verbally. If I approach her about this, she gets triggered. We incorporate "state of the unions" once a week. When I utilize active listening and mirroring when she has something to say. Things on my end that I have done disappear. I make an active effort. After-all, things take time to turn into a routine. For her, it never has changed over the past 3 years with once a week therapy. Nothing on her end has changed. for me, I want quality over quantity. I wouldn't mind having two hours a week, where we can really connect. It always is the same with her, she doesn't want problems and doesn't want to talk about problems. During therapy she says she doesn't want to be changed. I always say the same thing I always say, these conversations are not to change your personality. These are to help us be better. Her family is really dysfunctional. Her last marriage was dysfunctional, her last 3 relationships were and I feel like this one if not already, will be also. I love her, I just dont feel like my needs are taken care of. What would you do if you were in my position?
Wiseman2 Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 3 hours ago, immadweeb said: The problem: I cook, clean, take care of the cats, do the laundry, and give her tons of time to do anything and everything she might want. Stop doing this. Be equal partners. Don't be a maid service. Go out with friends. Live your life. Have more fun. Nagging and begging for time together never works. What will get noticed is when you take action and stop analyzing her.
Author immadweeb Posted July 11, 2021 Author Posted July 11, 2021 On 7/7/2021 at 10:22 PM, Wiseman2 said: Stop doing this. Be equal partners. Don't be a maid service. Go out with friends. Live your life. Have more fun. Nagging and begging for time together never works. What will get noticed is when you take action and stop analyzing her. I am not analyzing her. Truly, its what our therapist has commented on. Truth be told, I dont nag her, nor do I beg anymore. I just hate the fact we are not working, nor does it seem it will based on her inaction.
glows Posted July 11, 2021 Posted July 11, 2021 You want things to improve for the better and she doesn’t want change. It’s a stalemate. I have to question her overall state and how happy she is with life or herself. That’s a big jump from just wanting more date-time. You really ought to be asking if she’s a good match for you given that you’re more secure and settled and she’s in flux or moody about her job at times. Every choice a person makes affects family and partnerships. You don’t seem to agree with her choices? Or approach? You’re here looking for a solution but that’s the problem… She doesn’t want a solution and for you to implement anything. It sounds like she wants to be accepted as she is. See whether you can enjoy the relationship as is or rethink whether you’re compatible.
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2021 Posted July 11, 2021 8 hours ago, immadweeb said: we are not working ^^^^I think you answered your own question here. What exactly are you getting out of this? Why are you putting in so much effort to get so little? (I hope the answer isn't "because I love her"--that answer would not be very loving to yourself).
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2021 Posted July 11, 2021 We often give to others what we wish they would give to us. The problem with that is when it creates expectations about what we expect in return, which then sets us up for disappointment. It does not seem your gf is either willing or able to give you what you want/need, at least at this juncture. Some possible solutions are for you to give less and expect less, and maybe even redefine your relationship (examples: from partners to fwb or even just friends or acquaintances based on what you feel is fair considering the level of both your contributions). Remember, it's not a partnership when it's not balanced. You can't control or change the other person (which appears to be your current focus). You can only control or change yourself, including what you decide you will or will not show up for. 1
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