BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 8 hours ago, Cherry05 said: he wants her to stay with us. Why does he want her to stay with you?
Author Cherry05 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Posted July 9, 2021 5 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Is she able to support herself and bear weight on her affected leg? Because, if she is not she would need a mechanical lift for transfers. You should not be lifting her. What’s more, has her cognition been affected? If she has any kind of cognitive or perceptual deficit, that would affect her ability to transfer safely with minimal assist. It’s not only unsafe for you, it is unsafe for her. You really should not be lifting or transferring a woman of that weight unless she needs only stand-by assistance. And, that doesn’t sound like what you are required to do. She cannot bear any weight on her leg. She is unable to even sit up on her own. My husband lifts her and I just assist. And yes, he does sometimes complain about back pains when lifting. It is super dangerous and not worth the risk imo. Her cognition has definitely been affected and she is stubborn. Once, it actually caused her to slide on the floor while he was trying to transfer her from the bed.
Author Cherry05 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Posted July 9, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: Why does he want her to stay with you? Because he says he doesn't want her to spend the rest of her days in a facility. Not that her time is near or anything. She is only 48 years old. 3
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 4 minutes ago, Cherry05 said: She cannot bear any weight on her leg. She is unable to even sit up on her own. My husband lifts her and I just assist. And yes, he does sometimes complain about back pains when lifting. It is super dangerous and not worth the risk imo. Her cognition has definitely been affected and she is stubborn. Once, it actually caused her to slide on the floor while he was trying to transfer her from the bed. I am an Occupational Therapist and this is what I am trained to do. I train people on how to do safe lifting and transfers. This woman requires a mechanical lift. If she was in hospital or a health care facility, the staff would not be allowed to do a one person or a two person lift because it places the staff and the patient at risk. If they had a back injury, they would not be covered by workers compensation. And, if the patient had a fall, it would be an incident report and possibly a lawsuit (if the individual broke a bone or suffered any kind of injury). So again, I will ask - why are you doing a lift that would not be allowed in a health care facility or a nursing home? A lift that would be considered an unsafe lift? 3
Author Cherry05 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Posted July 9, 2021 5 hours ago, Elsa888 said: Sorry Cherry but this plan is just not workable I write from a UK perspective. Are you in UK? Your MIL is a vulnerable adult that needs specialist care best supplied by a nursing home with specialist nursing staff. You may be able to access daytime care but what happens when that is not available, when you have blocked catheter, bedsores, feeding issues? Don't forget this a lady who cannot communicate - whether her speech will return or not is an unknown quantity. Your husband is to be admired for his dutiful attitude to his mum but IMO he is being unreasonable to bring her into the household. In UK, an assessment is usually done before a patient requiring long-term care is discharged into the care of the family, has this been actioned and what was the outcome?. I'm in the US. From what I have read, only about 28 hours of care is provided throughout the week. That pretty much covers the three days when both of us are not home. We would have to pay a extra for additional hours/days and then that brings me to the issue of having another person in my house all day every day to take care of her. I am not sure what needs to be done to discharge her over here. She is also super stubborn and although she cannot speak, gets very frustrated with us, especially me. Once she grabbed my wrist hard and started slapping the bed when I couldn't figure out what she wanted.
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 6 minutes ago, Cherry05 said: Because he says he doesn't want her to spend the rest of her days in a facility. Not that her time is near or anything. She is only 48 years old. I completely understand. She is young, and it is very difficult to consider the fact that she would live the rest of her life in a facility. I applauded your husband for wanting to care for his mother. I felt the same way when my mother was ill/dying - I took a leave of absence from work to be with her. Considering that she is young and she could live in the facility for years, why not consider moving her closer to you so that you can visit each other more often. He could stop in to say goodnight or eat a meal with her everyday… 1
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 2 minutes ago, Cherry05 said: She is also super stubborn and although she cannot speak, gets very frustrated with us, especially me. Typical, post stroke. She has lost the ability to communicate with you, and that is frustrating. You would be wise to seek the consult of a speech language pathologist who would explore alternative methods of communication. Emotional lability is also very common post stroke. 2
Author Cherry05 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Posted July 9, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: I completely understand. She is young, and it is very difficult to consider the fact that she would live the rest of her life in a facility. I applauded your husband for wanting to care for his mother. I felt the same way when my mother was ill/dying - I took a leave of absence from work to be with her. Considering that she is young and she could live in the facility for years, why not consider moving her closer to you so that you can visit each other more often. He could stop in to say goodnight or eat a meal with her everyday… That's what I feel is more appropriate. It makes the most sense. I also think of if he would do all this for one of my parents, if God forbid something would happen to one of them- likely not.
Author Cherry05 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Posted July 9, 2021 2 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Typical, post stroke. She has lost the ability to communicate with you, and that is frustrating. You would be wise to seek the consult of a speech language pathologist who would explore alternative methods of communication. Emotional lability is also very common post stroke. Yes, she has been diagnosed with a mood disorder since she has had the stroke. We actually tried speech qnd physical therapy in the beginning, but she was stubborn and eventually refused to participate. That's why there has been no improvement these past 4 years. 1
Author Cherry05 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Posted July 9, 2021 9 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I am an Occupational Therapist and this is what I am trained to do. I train people on how to do safe lifting and transfers. This woman requires a mechanical lift. If she was in hospital or a health care facility, the staff would not be allowed to do a one person or a two person lift because it places the staff and the patient at risk. If they had a back injury, they would not be covered by workers compensation. And, if the patient had a fall, it would be an incident report and possibly a lawsuit (if the individual broke a bone or suffered any kind of injury). So again, I will ask - why are you doing a lift that would not be allowed in a health care facility or a nursing home? A lift that would be considered an unsafe lift? For reason he doesn't care. I know it is unsafe, but he will always risk it all for her. I can't tell him anything about his mom. It's been that way for years, even before the stroke.
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 5 hours ago, Elsa888 said: In UK, an assessment is usually done before a patient requiring long-term care is discharged into the care of the family, has this been actioned and what was the outcome?. This again, is my job. Discharge planning in hospitals is done by OTs. She would not be a safe discharge. She would require 24/7 care, and (in Canada) home care does not fund 24/7 care. The assessment would recommend placement in a long term care facility. Family could chose to take her home, and home care would offer the maximum that they could offer. But, as has been said, it would require significant care from family. And as has been said, that is a significant sacrifice. Your children won’t have their parents at their school and sporting events, you would not be able to go out as a family unless you had respite care at home. She could perhaps go into a facility when you travel, sometimes you can arrange short term respite. But, it will stress your marriage and your family. 2
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Cherry05 said: For reason he doesn't care. I know it is unsafe, but he will always risk it all for her. I can't tell him anything about his mom. It's been that way for years, even before the stroke. Well then, that a problem. How is he going to support your family when he suffers a back injury and he is not able to work? It’s not just about him… Is he prepared to lose his marriage because of this decision? Edited July 9, 2021 by BaileyB 2
Author Cherry05 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Posted July 9, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: Well then, that a problem. How is he going to support your family when he suffers a back injury and he is not able to work? It’s not just about him… Exactly. I don't know how to get him out of this tunnel vision. He's not looking at the big picture or being realistic.
Author Cherry05 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Posted July 9, 2021 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Is he prepared to lose his marriage because of this decision? I honestly think he would. One reason that I have been hesitant to speak on this. I think he'd bring up divorce if it comes to what he's going to see as choosing between me and her. 1
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Cherry05 said: Exactly. I don't know how to get him out of this tunnel vision. He's not looking at the big picture or being realistic. Would you consider showing him this discussion? Or, hire a therapist to do a home assessment - you will need equipment, they can help you with that and give you an opinion about her safety in your home. A third party opinion could be very helpful… if he won’t listen to you. I’m assuming that she has a wheelchair, you will need a modified van and wheelchair ramp (the car transfer is the most difficult, you will not be able to safely lift her into the car without bending and twisting and creating significant potential for injury). She will need a commode or a bath seat if you plan to shower her. You will need medical supplies for bowel and bladder care. You should have a track system for lifting. Those cost thousands of dollars. At the very least, a Hoyer lift. Do you see what I’m saying - $$$$. A therapist will help you to prepare, as could give you a professional opinion about the financial cost and safety of this plan. Edited July 9, 2021 by BaileyB 3
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Cherry05 said: I honestly think he would. One reason that I have been hesitant to speak on this. I think he'd bring up divorce if it comes to what he's going to see as choosing between me and her. Well, I would chose divorce over bringing his mother into my home and expecting that I provide daily personal care for her for the next 20-30 years. Seriously. I would have a difficult time staying with a man who dismissed my feelings and opinions this way. Edited July 9, 2021 by BaileyB 3
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 5 minutes ago, Cherry05 said: I honestly think he would. One reason that I have been hesitant to speak on this. I think he'd bring up divorce if it comes to what he's going to see as choosing between me and her. How is he going to care for his mother alone?
Author Cherry05 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Posted July 9, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: Well, I would chose divorce over bringing his mother into my home and expecting that I provide daily personal care for her for the next 20-30 years. Seriously. I would have a difficult time staying with a man who dismissed my feelings and opinions this way. Yea, I don't think we will last between this and other issues. It's going to be tough.
Author Cherry05 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Posted July 9, 2021 Just now, BaileyB said: How is he going to care for his mother alone? That would be my question. He would have to pay for full time care.
Author Cherry05 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Posted July 9, 2021 5 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Would you consider showing him this discussion? Or, hire a therapist to do a home assessment - you will need equipment, they can help you with that and give you an opinion about her safety in your home. A third party opinion could be very helpful… if he won’t listen to you. I’m assuming that she has a wheelchair, you will need a modified van and wheelchair ramp (the car transfer is the most difficult, you will not be able to safely lift her into the car without bending and twisting and creating significant potential for injury). She will need a commode or a bath seat if you plan to shower her. You will need medical supplies for bowel and bladder care. You should have a tack system for lifting. Those cost thousands of dollars. At the very least, a Hoyer lift. Do you see what I’m saying - $$$$. A therapist will help you to prepare, as could give you a professional opinion about the safety of this plan. I could try doing this but feel it wouldn't change anything for him.
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 6 minutes ago, Cherry05 said: Yea, I don't think we will last between this and other issues. It's going to be tough. I’m sorry to hear you say this. 5 minutes ago, Cherry05 said: That would be my question. He would have to pay for full time care. if you divorce, he will have to pay for housing on his own and possibly child and/or spousal support. 5 minutes ago, Cherry05 said: I could try doing this but feel it wouldn't change anything for him. He may bring her home and reconsider. I would not assume care responsibilities. If he brought her to your home, I would be sure that he knows my primary responsibility is to my children and my work/home/family.
Author Cherry05 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Posted July 9, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: I’m sorry to hear you say this. if you divorce, he will have to pay for housing on his own and possibly child and/or spousal support. He may bring her home and reconsider. I would not assume care responsibilities. If he brought her to your home, I would be sure that he knows my primary responsibility is to my children and my work/home/family. I am going to bring up my concerns again, including some of the things you and others have suggested in this post. I am not expecting a good outcome, but maybe it will leave him to rethink it all.
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 2 minutes ago, Cherry05 said: I am going to bring up my concerns again, including some of the things you and others have suggested in this post. I am not expecting a good outcome, but maybe it will leave him to rethink it all. I wish you luck. This is a really hard conversation to have. The other thing you could try, marriage counselling. If you had a third party would could talk with you both as you work through this discussion, it may make the conversation a little bit easier…
Author Cherry05 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Posted July 9, 2021 4 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I wish you luck. This is a really hard conversation to have. The other thing you could try, marriage counselling. If you had a third party would could talk with you both as you work through this discussion, it may make the conversation a little bit easier… Thank you! I've brought up marriage counseling before and he shuts it down. He doesn't need anyone telling him what he needs to do in his words. 1
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Cherry05 said: Thank you! I've brought up marriage counseling before and he shuts it down. He doesn't need anyone telling him what he needs to do in his words. That’s not what a marriage counsellor would do. For him to say that shows his ignorance and entitlement. Marriage counselling may provide a safe space that would allow you both to share your thoughts and feelings. He would be required to actually listen and consider another opinion other than his own - which may be very difficult for him. And if you have a good marriage counsellor, that person could facilitate this discussion and assist you both in developing a plan to works for not only one person in this marriage, but both of you. A marriage that is one sided, where only one persons feelings and decisions matter, is not a marriage. It’s a dictatorship. Edited July 9, 2021 by BaileyB
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