Taking care of MIL

[Cherry05]

My husband and I have been married 10 years and have 4 children together, ages 6-11. We both work full-time and I'm also in school pursuing my Masters.

My issue is about 4 years ago, his mom had a stroke. She's unable to speak or move her left arm or leg. She has been staying in a facility, however, he wants her to stay with us very soon. I'm not sure this is something we can take on. While we are able to get home healthcare, it definitely won't be full time.This leaves us to take care of her in the evening after work and me to take care of her during the day on weekends. If I say anything about this, my husband gets super defensive. I don't think I'm being selfish, but just being realistic. Has anyone taken on something like this or have any advice?

[stillafool]

Does your husband have sisters?

[basil67]

I'm a carer and say that you're exactly right to be very cautious about what you take on.  Other than adding to your already substantial workload, have you considered how you'll manage to do date nights?  Go for vacations?   That you'll never be able to go out as a couple spontaneously?    What about her personal care...will he be comfortable toileting her if need be?  Showering her?   Granted, I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but I don't want there to be something you haven't thought of.   

Caring does tend to fall to the women in the family, so I'm wondering what your husband is like with raising your four kids.  Does he always do over and above without being asked?  Or are you the one who remembers when school projects are due, when they needed sports clothes, write the shopping lists, talk with teachers, planning for school vacations....etc etc etc?  If he's not shouldering equal load for thinking about the kids, you can be sure that you'll be doing that work when his mother moves in.  

When you discuss this, am I right to think you'd be raising issues such as above?  If so, what does he say when he gets defensive?   What "solutions" does he offer?

Edited July 7, 2021 by basil67
grammar

[Cherry05]

55 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Does your husband have sisters?

Yes, 2 but they are not reliable at all.

[Cherry05]

37 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm a carer and say that you're exactly right to be very cautious about what you take on.  Other than adding to your already substantial workload, have you considered how you'll manage to do date nights?  Go for vacations?   That you'll never be able to go out as a couple spontaneously?    What about her personal care...will he be comfortable toileting her if need be?  Showering her?   Granted, I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but I don't want there to be something you haven't thought of.   

Caring does tend to fall to the women in the family, so I'm wondering what your husband is like with raising your four kids.  Does he always do over and above without being asked?  Or are you the one who remembers when school projects are due, when they needed sports clothes, write the shopping lists, talk with teachers, planning for school vacations....etc etc etc?  If he's not shouldering equal load for thinking about the kids, you can be sure that you'll be doing that work when his mother moves in.  

When you discuss this, am I right to think you'd be raising issues such as above?  If so, what does he say when he gets defensive?   What "solutions" does he offer?

I have asked about vacations, going out and he says we can figure it out. No, we need to have plan BEFORE hand. When she visits, he helps me change her. Showering her will be a challenge, as she is on the bigger side and I am petite, but yes he would help. He does help with the kids, but not with any household work/chores. That's all me. I am exhausted as is and I feel like I will end up being resentful at the end of the day.

When I bring up these things. He says we will figure it out with no actual evidence or plan.

[basil67]

Oh, you absolutely need a plan!   I bet this postponing of how it will be done is either because he has no idea, or doesn't want to tell you that too much will fall on you.

He doesn't help with household work/chores?  That you're already exhausted should be a dealbreaker re the MIL right there.  I have no doubt that you will be resentful in the end.  

Given that he doesn't actually have a plan, could it be that he will never get around to moving her in?  

 

Edited July 7, 2021 by basil67

[BaileyB]

You have four children who are presumably involved in activities and have friends. Not to mention you both work full time and you are studying to complete your Masters (well done, BTW). How exactly does he expect to manage all of these responsibilities?

I would not agree to this plan, and I say that knowing that it will cause some very hard feelings. At the very least, you need to have an honest discussion about tasks - who will drive the kids to their events and who will stay home to be with his mother while you child is playing in the league championship? Is he prepared to take on certain chores around the house - cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, grocery shopping, etc… Is he prepared to provide personal care for his mother - assisting her as needed with showering, transferring to the toilet and the bed, dressing and feeding her if needed?

I understand why he would want to bring her home but I can’t imagine accepting this kind of care burden on top of all your other responsibilities. What kind of stress will this place on your marriage? How will your children feel if their parents are exhausted and unable to participate in their lives the way you have in the past? No way, no how, would I agree to this plan. 

Does she live near you? Perhaps the compromise is moving her to a facility closer to you such that she can come and visit? My family did this for my grandmother, she lived a block away from my aunt. My aunt was often at the facility or my grandmother would visit her home (we would gather there on holidays). It worked well! 

I’m sorry, this is hard. But, I think he’s got unrealistic expectations and if your husband is like my husband, he will say it will be fine and then expect that you will back him up and do the majority of the work. Best to ground him in reality… now. 

Edited July 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

It's lovely that your husband wants to care for his mother but it may not be practical or safe.  In a facility she can probably access benefits she won't get if you remove her.  Find out as much as you can from her present care givers about her needs.  See if you can get the sisters on board with mom needs to stay put.  Increase visits; maybe find out if she can stay with you once in a while.  That ought to dissuade hubby from this sweet but unrealistic dream.  Be blunt if you have to that it's inappropriate for him to help his mom toilet, bathe or dress & you are not about to so this is a no go.  

[BaileyB]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

maybe find out if she can stay with you once in a while.  That ought to dissuade hubby from this sweet but unrealistic dream. 

That’s a good idea. Have her come and stay for a visit and he will come to appreciate the facility very quickly…

And Donnivain makes a good point, there are services she gets in the facility that you will not have in your home. Nurses, physicians, hairstylists, therapists, etc… 

[central]

If you do give it a trial, make sure HE is the primary caregiver in the evening and in general, since it sounds like he isn't available during the day on weekends.  This is not your responsibility, and he won't realized how much is involved if you take on too much.  IMO, she is far better off in her facility, and he can visit her there as much as he likes (and you can sometimes, too).

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Cherry05 said:

 have 4 children together, ages 6-11. We both work full-time 

Just say no.  Your husband and his family need to take care of this.

You have kids that need to come first.

Your husband is being cheap selfish and expecting you to be a full time nurse.

[Blind-Sided]

13 hours ago, Cherry05 said:

Yes, 2 but they are not reliable at all.

That is irrelevant. 

My exW and I had talks about her mother.  She had health issues, and was getting old.  I told her she wasn't going to live with us... period. My exW also had sisters, and brothers. Some lived close to her mom... but the exW felt like she had to be the care giver.  I know that caused friction over the years... but her mom was not a nice person, and has made the ex cry a lot.  Not to mention, I've asked her to leave my house a few times... she has thrown a fit over holidays (visited my folks opposed to her) and even at our wedding reception, the pastor had to escort her out because she was getting impatient that the wedding party was outside taking pictures.   She is the stereotypical "Mother-in-law".  

And just so you know that I'm not exaggerating... her one sister ran away from home when she was 16.  Later they reconciled, but then didn't talk for 8 or 10 years. and 2 of her siblings wouldn't come to her father's funeral because they knew "mom" was there. 

You need to stand your ground, otherwise you will become his mother's nurse.  And for someone in her condition... that is a full time job on it's own.  DON'T DO IT !!!

Unfortunately... him just asking could be what fractures your marriage.  Tell him you didn't sign up for that, and if she needs extra help... then his sisters need to step up.

Edited July 8, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Crazelnut]

I have to say this -- ALL 3 Siblings need to step up - brother and both sisters. Most caregiving duties fall on the women in the family, even daughters-in-law, as in this case. Being male is absolutely no excuse for shirking responsibility for an aging parent. Sons need to be as involved as their sisters and wives. 

Having said that, it has to be done in a way that doesn't completely disrupt one household. The 3 siblings need to sit down and sort out what to do with mom, so the burden is shared. 

OP, do NOT let this woman take over your home and your life.  If your husband values his mother more than his marriage, you don't have many choices. Suck it up or leave him to care for mom. 

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Most caregiving duties fall on the women in the family, even daughters-in-law,

I know and why the hell is that?  My family expects this of the women and I'm sick of it.  My mother had to take care of everyone and never complained.  I'm different.

[Cherry05]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

Oh, you absolutely need a plan!   I bet this postponing of how it will be done is either because he has no idea, or doesn't want to tell you that too much will fall on you.

He doesn't help with household work/chores?  That you're already exhausted should be a dealbreaker re the MIL right there.  I have no doubt that you will be resentful in the end.  

Given that he doesn't actually have a plan, could it be that he will never get around to moving her in?  

 

The main reason that she has not moved in yet is because she is supposed to be in our dining room, however, we still need to get that wall closed up to make it into the room. Whenever that gets done, I'm sure it'll happen.

[Cherry05]

16 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You have four children who are presumably involved in activities and have friends. Not to mention you both work full time and you are studying to complete your Masters (well done, BTW). How exactly does he expect to manage all of these responsibilities?

I would not agree to this plan, and I say that knowing that it will cause some very hard feelings. At the very least, you need to have an honest discussion about tasks - who will drive the kids to their events and who will stay home to be with his mother while you child is playing in the league championship? Is he prepared to take on certain chores around the house - cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, grocery shopping, etc… Is he prepared to provide personal care for his mother - assisting her as needed with showering, transferring to the toilet and the bed, dressing and feeding her if needed?

I understand why he would want to bring her home but I can’t imagine accepting this kind of care burden on top of all your other responsibilities. What kind of stress will this place on your marriage? How will your children feel if their parents are exhausted and unable to participate in their lives the way you have in the past? No way, no how, would I agree to this plan. 

Does she live near you? Perhaps the compromise is moving her to a facility closer to you such that she can come and visit? My family did this for my grandmother, she lived a block away from my aunt. My aunt was often at the facility or my grandmother would visit her home (we would gather there on holidays). It worked well! 

I’m sorry, this is hard. But, I think he’s got unrealistic expectations and if your husband is like my husband, he will say it will be fine and then expect that you will back him up and do the majority of the work. Best to ground him in reality… now. 

I know that he will help. She already comes to visit and he helps to change her and everything. The visits are fine for a few days, but long term would be overwhelming. The facility is about 25 minutes away and he visits weekly. He's spoke about moving her closer, but ultimately, he wants her to stay with us.

My main thing is the kids. Will we be forced to stay in the house all the time because she can't be left alone? That would eliminate family activities, outings, vacations, etc. because there is no one else to rely on.

[Cherry05]

16 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It's lovely that your husband wants to care for his mother but it may not be practical or safe.  In a facility she can probably access benefits she won't get if you remove her.  Find out as much as you can from her present care givers about her needs.  See if you can get the sisters on board with mom needs to stay put.  Increase visits; maybe find out if she can stay with you once in a while.  That ought to dissuade hubby from this sweet but unrealistic dream.  Be blunt if you have to that it's inappropriate for him to help his mom toilet, bathe or dress & you are not about to so this is a no go.  

She has come to visit a few times at days at a time. She is unable to use the toilet. I change her and he helps. This is a task in itself. He still seems to not realize how much works it will take to do this full-time. Transferring her from the bed to the wheelchair alone is so much work. I couldn't even imagine the bath. Even if we had someone from home healthcare, they definitely couldn't do it alone.

[Cherry05]

4 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

I have to say this -- ALL 3 Siblings need to step up - brother and both sisters. Most caregiving duties fall on the women in the family, even daughters-in-law, as in this case. Being male is absolutely no excuse for shirking responsibility for an aging parent. Sons need to be as involved as their sisters and wives. 

Having said that, it has to be done in a way that doesn't completely disrupt one household. The 3 siblings need to sit down and sort out what to do with mom, so the burden is shared. 

OP, do NOT let this woman take over your home and your life.  If your husband values his mother more than his marriage, you don't have many choices. Suck it up or leave him to care for mom. 

There's actually 5 of them total. All grown. He's just the oldest and feels like he should take responsibility.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I can't say I've been in exactly your situation, but I look after my adult brother. I would never have him live with me. It's already hella hard. My elderly mom is also sizing me up to take on her load, too, even though I have four siblings (including my disabled brother whom I look after). None of my siblings are cueing up for taking on my mom's care (besides eyeing their inheritances), except maybe my sis who expressed her lament at feeling expected to be the go-to currently since she's geographically close right now. My mom is still very active but probably won't be within 5 years. I'm doing all I can now to get her lined up with elder care attorneys, estate attorneys, companies that help families plan for Medicare long-term planning, a plan of how she can have full-time in-home assistance once she needs it, other types of insurance to supplement, and I'm even talking to people who have experience with home health care to plan costs, schedules, contingencies. 

It is A LOT to take on and you're very right to be concerned. I think your mom-in-law moving in now has the potential to rip your marriage apart. It's amazing you can take care of your household, 4 kids, husband, work full-time, and complete a grad program! Taking on an adult who can't care for themself is possibly more challenging than raising a kid.

I hope you're able to find a way to help your husband see all this, and make a reasonable plan for everyone. Sorry I don't have more to offer but I wish you well!

[d0nnivain]

59 minutes ago, Cherry05 said:

She has come to visit a few times at days at a time. She is unable to use the toilet. I change her and he helps. This is a task in itself. He still seems to not realize how much works it will take to do this full-time. Transferring her from the bed to the wheelchair alone is so much work. I couldn't even imagine the bath. Even if we had someone from home healthcare, they definitely couldn't do it alone.

I get it.  I really do & I feel your pain.  

At the end of her life my father desperately wanted to keep my mother home & take care of her.  But he was in his 80s too & couldn't physically do it. It would have been dangerous to let him try.   I couldn't do it either.  We were able to get a F/T live in home health aide but most people are not that lucky.  

As much as your husband is being a good son & wanting his mom to having loving care, it's just not practical.  You need to enlist a cadre of people to get that through his head.  There is no reason mom can't stay in a place where she's safe.  Maybe you need to change the nursing home but do not remove her from an institutional setting.  During the height of covid, maybe I could understand wanting to get a loved on out if for no other reason that they wouldn't be alone with strangers but not now.  

Talk to MILs doctors & nurses.  Enlist the aide of a social worker or hospice worker.  Talk to your SILs.  Talk to your kids.  If you are a person of faith get clergy involved. 

While your DH's heart is in the right place, he's not thinking logically.  You can't take this on.  Stand your ground but have compassion to help him find a way to be OK with the choice to leave mom in a home.  Remind him that if he truly loves his mother he will afford her the dignity of not having her son change her.  She doesn't want that 

[Elsa888]

Sorry Cherry but this plan is just not workable

I write from a UK perspective. Are you in UK?

Your MIL is a vulnerable adult that needs specialist care best supplied by a nursing home with specialist nursing staff.

You may be able to access daytime care but what happens when that is not available, when you have blocked catheter, bedsores, feeding issues? Don't forget this a lady who cannot communicate - whether her speech will return or not is an unknown quantity.

Your husband is to be admired for his dutiful attitude to his mum but IMO he is being unreasonable to bring her into the household.

In UK, an assessment is usually done before a patient requiring long-term care is discharged into the care of the family, has this been actioned and what was the outcome?.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Cherry05 said:

He's spoke about moving her closer.

My main thing is the kids. Will we be forced to stay in the house all the time because she can't be left alone? 

It's unfair to turn kids into involuntary untrained home health aids. Your husband needs to get his priorities straight.

The money he's wasting on remodeling  could be better invested in a facility that has teams and shifts looking after her.

She is a liability. What if your children can't lift her and she breaks a hip? Your husband is a fool.

Edited July 8, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Cherry05]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unfair to turn kids into involuntary untrained home health aids. Your husband needs to get his priorities straight.

The money he's wasting on remodeling  could be better invested in a facility that has teams and shifts looking after her.

She is a liability. What if your children can't lift her and she breaks a hip? Your husband is a fool.

The kids definitely won't be or are expected to assist with their young age. However, I am concerned with doing these things with him myself. I am like 140 lbs and she is at least 250. She's fallen before as we tried to move her. Moving her to the bed, wheelchair, etc is a struggle.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Cherry05 said:

The kids definitely won't be or are expected to assist with their young age. However, I am concerned with doing these things with him myself. I am like 140 lbs and she is at least 250. She's fallen before as we tried to move her. Moving her to the bed, wheelchair, etc is a struggle.

Is she able to support herself and bear weight on her affected leg? Because, if she is not she would need a mechanical lift for transfers. You should not be lifting her. Her weight FAR exceeds what would be considered a safe one or two person lift. 

What’s more, has her cognition been affected? If she has any kind of cognitive or perceptual deficit, that would affect her ability to transfer safely with minimal assist. 

It’s not only unsafe for you, it is unsafe for her. You really should not be lifting or transferring a woman of that weight unless she needs only stand-by assistance. And, that doesn’t sound like what you are required to do.

Edited July 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, Cherry05 said:

She has come to visit a few times at days at a time. She is unable to use the toilet. I change her and he helps. This is a task in itself. He still seems to not realize how much works it will take to do this full-time. Transferring her from the bed to the wheelchair alone is so much work. I couldn't even imagine the bath. Even if we had someone from home healthcare, they definitely couldn't do it alone.

What you are describing is an unsafe lift. If she is in a facility, they should be using a mechanical lift. Why are you doing lifts that the professionals aren’t doing - they can’t do this because their workplace safety and health requires that places limitations to what kind of care one or two people can do safely. 

I get it, my mother was dying of cancer and she begged us to take her home. She went instead to a palliative care facility because I knew that I could not provide the care she needed. Not, did I want to. I sat by her bed and I loved her. I cared for her in various ways. Other people changed her and bathed her. I didn’t want my last memories of my mother to be catheterizating her or changing her diaper (among other things). 

Edited July 9, 2021 by BaileyB