Jimmy555 Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 My 5 year affair ended 4 months ago and I am in a deep deep depression and miss my affair partner so much. AP ended the affair once and for all as she had had enough of the lies and secrecy of our relationship. my wife has found out about everything and wants to try work things out via a couples councillor but I just don’t think I will ever love my wife like I loved my AP. coincidently, I bumped into my AP a few weeks back in a bar and she was would looked to be on a date. It’s killing me to think of her with this other guy. Tearing me apart. What should I do I’m a total mess and other then ending my life I don’t know what else to do. I can’t function.. please help Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 13 minutes ago, Jimmy555 said: I am in a deep deep depression I will ever love my wife like I loved my AP. Get to a physician about your depression and get ongoing individual supportive therapy. Marriage counseling in this case is a sham. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Get to a physician about your depression and get ongoing individual supportive therapy. Marriage counseling in this case is a sham. I agree. Your wife will not be pleased, but the kindest and best thing you can do for her is divorce her. She deserves more than a man who is going through the motions, particularly because it is only because he has no other option. Does your wife know the full extent of the situation - that you have been cheating for five years and you believe yourself to be in love with your affair partner? Your wife may not realize this just yet but she deserves more than to be married to a man who does not love her and has been involved in an extramarital relationship for years… I’m curious, if you love your affair partner and she is single - why do you not divorce your wife and be with your affair partner? That seems to be where this is headed anyway… if you stay together, it will be miserable because you are clearly not invested. That’s not reconciliation. Why not divorce and be with the woman you say that you love… Edited July 7, 2021 by BaileyB 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmy555 Posted July 7, 2021 Author Share Posted July 7, 2021 16 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I agree. Your wife will not be pleased, but the kindest and best thing you can do for her is divorce her. She deserves more than a man who is going through the motions, particularly because it is only because he has no other option. Does your wife know the full extent of the situation - that you have been cheating for five years and you believe yourself to be in love with your affair partner? Your wife may not realize this just yet but she deserves more than to be married to a man who does not love her and has been involved in an extramarital relationship for years… I’m curious, if you love your affair partner and she is single - why do you not divorce your wife and be with your affair partner? That seems to be where this is headed anyway… if you stay together, it will be miserable because you are clearly not invested. That’s not reconciliation. Why not divorce and be with the woman you say that you love… AP and my wife have spoken via facebook and in doing so the extend of my decite and lies has come out. I lied to AP about the exact status of my marriage, saying it was over but we were staying together just for the kids which of course wasnt the case. So upon my wife reveling this to AP she has decided enough is enough and that she longer wants to be part of the mass web lies and decite. So my AP is no longer an option Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 Since your wife already knows, sit her down and tell her all of this. Please don't use the excuse that it will be hard or it will hurt her, as let's be honest here, if you cared about her feelings, you wouldn't have started up an affair in the first place. As the saying goes, it's time to man up. Take your lumps, and let your wife out of this sham. Tell her she needs to be tested for STDs though. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 1 hour ago, Jimmy555 said: I loved my AP If that was true, you would not have lied to her: 26 minutes ago, Jimmy555 said: I lied to AP about the exact status of my marriage, saying it was over but we were staying together just for the kids which of course wasnt the case. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
torn_heart Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 1st go to therapy. It's the most important part, the stress and anxiety that comes from a double life, and the aftermath of the breakup it's too much and you'll need help. 2nd, You have to deal with the loss, it's having a break up while being in a relationship, is a terrible feeling, the "good" thing is that your wife know, still it might be better to separte for sometime while you deal with it, but at least you can talk about it, which is good. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 1 hour ago, Jimmy555 said: What should I do Be honest with yourself and others, for a start. If you love your AP more than your BW, tell your BW, and let her decide if she wants to “stay together for the kids” or not. Speak to a counsellor and try to establish what really matters to you and who you want to be (not who you want to be with). Then go and be that person. Once you are that person, *then* think about who you want to be with, and work toward that. Meantime, be a good parent, whether together with you BW or apart. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 Do not end your life. Instead get individual counseling & make a plan to get the life you want, independently of your AP & your W. Neither of those relationships are good or healthy for the parties concerned so get some help to move forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 No person or thing is worth ending your life over. This will fade. The marriage might not work out but that only frees you in the end to find more fulfilling relationships. Take things one day at a time and call a local suicide hotline (use google) if you need to talk to someone at any time. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 This is one moment in time, and while the situation seems difficult at this moment - you will get through this. Reach out if needed, call a hotline, find a counsellor, go to your pastor, visit the ER if needed. Ending your life is not the solution. There is nothing stopping you from making a decision that will bring your life to a place of truth and authenticity. You do not need to stay in your marriage if you are not happy - people divorce every day, your wife will endure. Perhaps, you need some time to be single and get some counselling… with time, you will find a better path for yourself. It begins by finding some counselling for yourself, please reach out today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
torn_heart Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 46 minutes ago, Prudence V said: Be honest with yourself and others, for a start. If you love your AP more than your BW, tell your BW, and let her decide if she wants to “stay together for the kids” or not. Speak to a counsellor and try to establish what really matters to you and who you want to be (not who you want to be with). Then go and be that person. Once you are that person, *then* think about who you want to be with, and work toward that. Meantime, be a good parent, whether together with you BW or apart. It's too soon. The separation anxiety might be what makes him think he loves the AP more than his BW. Dealing with the breakup is the top priority, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 10 hours ago, Jimmy555 said: So my AP is no longer an option Everything right now is an option. Nothing is impossible. Look up percentages of R’a that start as A’s and see how many last 5+ years. I’ll save out the work. It’s 2%. Make A decision. That’s the hardest thing you need to do. Get help in making that decision. How old are your kids? Turn over a new leaf and don’t lie anymore, ever. You will get to where you need to be. Trust the process 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 Sounds like you miss cheating. The lies, the rush,etc. That's not missing a person it's missing that feeling. Especially given your hohum description of your wife. You probably don't love anyone. You love thrills, adrenalin and deceit 4 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 23 hours ago, Jimmy555 said: my wife has found out about everything and wants to try work things out via a couples councillor but I just don’t think I will ever love my wife like I loved my AP. Couples counselling is about the relationship. I think you would benefit more from seeing an individual counsellor, to help you figure out who you want to be and how best to move forward on that. Save any couples counselling for once you know who you are and what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 20 hours ago, torn_heart said: It's too soon. The separation anxiety might be what makes him think he loves the AP more than his BW. Dealing with the breakup is the top priority, in my opinion. That’s why I said, speak to a counsellor. Only once OP knows what he really wants - once he is really honest with himself and others - should he move forward with *any* R. But just going along with his BW into couples counselling right now is not honest to anyone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
torn_heart Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 12 hours ago, Prudence V said: That’s why I said, speak to a counsellor. Only once OP knows what he really wants - once he is really honest with himself and others - should he move forward with *any* R. But just going along with his BW into couples counselling right now is not honest to anyone. It can be honest, but he won't be working on what really needs work. Actually I think it's a waste of time if he doesn't take therapy for himself... at least at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 On 7/7/2021 at 1:01 PM, Jimmy555 said: AP and my wife have spoken via facebook and in doing so the extend of my decite and lies has come out. I lied to AP about the exact status of my marriage, saying it was over but we were staying together just for the kids which of course wasnt the case. So upon my wife reveling this to AP she has decided enough is enough and that she longer wants to be part of the mass web lies and decite. So my AP is no longer an option yeah, I'm not buying the "I didn't know he was married" line. She knew...at least on some level. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 On 7/7/2021 at 1:30 PM, torn_heart said: 1st go to therapy. It's the most important part, the stress and anxiety that comes from a double life, and the aftermath of the breakup it's too much and you'll need help. 2nd, You have to deal with the loss, it's having a break up while being in a relationship, is a terrible feeling, the "good" thing is that your wife know, still it might be better to separte for sometime while you deal with it, but at least you can talk about it, which is good. are you suggesting that he dump his feelings on his wife? I can just see how that conversation would go... "honey, I'm sorry I cheated on you and you are in so much pain. We can deal with that after- right now, we need to talk about me and how I am grieving the loss of the woman I was cheating on you with. I am so very unhappy-let's discuss that ad nauseum". Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 On 7/8/2021 at 11:21 AM, Prudence V said: That’s why I said, speak to a counsellor. Only once OP knows what he really wants - once he is really honest with himself and others - should he move forward with *any* R. But just going along with his BW into couples counselling right now is not honest to anyone. The only thing I would add to this is that he needs to keep his wife int he loop throughout he entire process. OP, you have effectively stolen a very fundamental right from your wife- the right to know what's going on in her life. Give her the information she needs to decide if SHE wants to stay or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
torn_heart Posted July 11, 2021 Share Posted July 11, 2021 4 hours ago, pepperbird2 said: are you suggesting that he dump his feelings on his wife? I can just see how that conversation would go... "honey, I'm sorry I cheated on you and you are in so much pain. We can deal with that after- right now, we need to talk about me and how I am grieving the loss of the woman I was cheating on you with. I am so very unhappy-let's discuss that ad nauseum". You are right. But I do think the most important part is for him to get therapy. Thanks for letting me see my mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
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