max3732 Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 At the end of my date I went for a kiss and she let me kiss her on the lips. After that we just kind of looked at each other and said goodbye. How do you know if you should keep trying to kiss more and try to makeout with her or if she just wants a short peck? She's agreed to see me again and I don't know how to escalate things physically. I mean I know how to, but I don't want to jeopardize the relationship by trying to do more than she's comfortable and ruining the moment by having her tell me to stop. I'd assume that after a few dates she realizes that I'd want to kiss/hold her hand, etc. Would you only do longer if you're at one of your places? How about in the car at the end of the date? With the woman I went on a few dates before this one that I kissed I was really happy to get that 1st kiss and then she went back and kissed me for a 2nd one. So I guess my questions are. (1) If she's ok for a kiss on the lips after you've done some more innocent touching 1st then how do you know how much more you can do? (2) Are there things she'd say to clue you in on what she's comfortable with? (3) If she invites you somewhere private like her place is that necessarily a green light?
smackie9 Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 Dude it's like learning how to ride a bike, once you get on you go! You go by her reaction, if she pushes in, she wants more, if she pulls back, stop. 7
SumGuy Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 (edited) 23 minutes ago, max3732 said: ...So I guess my questions are. (1) If she's ok for a kiss on the lips after you've done some more innocent touching 1st then how do you know how much more you can do? (2) Are there things she'd say to clue you in on what she's comfortable with? (3) If she invites you somewhere private like her place is that necessarily a green light? Don't assume her inviting you to a more private place is a green light to go much further than you have, it may be, but proceed slow. I would assume if she invites you to a more private place she would like to pick up where you left off. As smackie9 says, have to be attuned. Move slow, pay attention, hand on hips before other places for example. If you move slow you give her space to slow things down. You can also mirror how she touches you. Edited July 6, 2021 by SumGuy 1
Ami1uwant Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 General rul of thumb… you guys hold hands you probably can kiss her. just do a basic kiss. No tongue. Don’t expect more. Did she try and kiss her and she didn’t expect it.
cleverusername Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 Well first you should probably kiss her. Not a peck, thats what your grandma does. A few seconds on the lips. If she's cool with that, next time make it a little longer and if she doesn't pull away, ram your tongue down her throat, if she doesn't pull away, she wants to make out. 1
Amanda92 Posted July 7, 2021 Posted July 7, 2021 Maybe after dinner go for a walk with her and sit somewhere in a park and then try to kiss her longer. Read body language and try do more step by step. 2
Wiseman2 Posted July 7, 2021 Posted July 7, 2021 21 hours ago, cleverusername said: if she doesn't pull away, ram your tongue down her throat Yes, if you never want another date with her do this. 4 1
Author max3732 Posted July 7, 2021 Author Posted July 7, 2021 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Yes, if you never want another date with her do this. Honestly I don't know if I've ever done anything with my tongue with a kiss. It's been many years since I've done more than the closed mouth one. On our next date if it feels right I'll just try and kiss her longer and do both top and bottom lip. You On 7/6/2021 at 1:13 PM, smackie9 said: Dude it's like learning how to ride a bike, once you get on you go! You go by her reaction, if she pushes in, she wants more, if she pulls back, stop. So you just keep going until she pulls back?
glows Posted July 7, 2021 Posted July 7, 2021 Take it easy and see how it goes with her. You're kissing her, not us. So stay attuned to her body language.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 7, 2021 Posted July 7, 2021 Oh man, this is a tough one to explain. The best way I could advise you is to say you want to pay attention to 2 things: your own feelings as you kiss (and before the kiss--more below), and two, how she reacts to the kiss. So one thing you can do (until you develop the feel of things) is to go slow. No need to quickly kiss. What you want to do is long before the kiss, take her hand, or throw your arm around her shoulder or get close to her, get your face close to hers. But again, you want to read her reactions. You lightly touch her hand and if she's interested, she'll grab it back and if she squeezes you squeeze as well. So back to your date, was the kiss fun? Did YOU feel something stir in you? Kisses can be mechanical if you don't really have chemistry or if one of you isn't interested. How did that kiss feel to YOU? Ideally you sensually enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, she likely didn't enjoy the kiss either. And vice versa: did you get a sense that she enjoyed the kiss? Or perhaps this was merely a peck? Some other things to look for: when it's really time to kiss, you might find it's harder NOT to kiss than to kiss. Things become so awkward almost that kissing is inescapable. This is good awkward--the conversation is electrifying, not the bad awkwardness. (I say this all with hesitation knowing lots of guys narcissistically misread women and assume the women is interested when there is no real energy-interest coming from her side.) Another thing: what did she say after the kiss and after the date? On a scale of 1 to 10, how excited/happy did she say she was to meet you? Bottom line: the timing of kissing isn't really about kissing. It's about the entire date and the energy between you, and to follow the energy you have to be in touch with your own feelings and in touch with her responses as well. Ultimate bottom line: don't worry about this. Likely she knows your exact level of social skill, and if she likes you, she'll help you kiss her when the time comes. 2
Wiseman2 Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 10 hours ago, glows said: Take it easy and see how it goes with her. Agree. If you are nervous and preoccupied with your next move, neither of you will have a good or relaxed time and that makes it unnatural and awkward. Which ironically is a good way to turn things off. Focus on the fun and stay in the moment. Plugging for moves will destroy the mood and spontaneity. Relax! 2
Author max3732 Posted July 8, 2021 Author Posted July 8, 2021 13 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Oh man, this is a tough one to explain. The best way I could advise you is to say you want to pay attention to 2 things: your own feelings as you kiss (and before the kiss--more below), and two, how she reacts to the kiss. So one thing you can do (until you develop the feel of things) is to go slow. No need to quickly kiss. What you want to do is long before the kiss, take her hand, or throw your arm around her shoulder or get close to her, get your face close to hers. But again, you want to read her reactions. You lightly touch her hand and if she's interested, she'll grab it back and if she squeezes you squeeze as well. So back to your date, was the kiss fun? Did YOU feel something stir in you? Kisses can be mechanical if you don't really have chemistry or if one of you isn't interested. How did that kiss feel to YOU? Ideally you sensually enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, she likely didn't enjoy the kiss either. And vice versa: did you get a sense that she enjoyed the kiss? Or perhaps this was merely a peck? Some other things to look for: when it's really time to kiss, you might find it's harder NOT to kiss than to kiss. Things become so awkward almost that kissing is inescapable. This is good awkward--the conversation is electrifying, not the bad awkwardness. (I say this all with hesitation knowing lots of guys narcissistically misread women and assume the women is interested when there is no real energy-interest coming from her side.) Another thing: what did she say after the kiss and after the date? On a scale of 1 to 10, how excited/happy did she say she was to meet you? Bottom line: the timing of kissing isn't really about kissing. It's about the entire date and the energy between you, and to follow the energy you have to be in touch with your own feelings and in touch with her responses as well. Ultimate bottom line: don't worry about this. Likely she knows your exact level of social skill, and if she likes you, she'll help you kiss her when the time comes. I'd say she was an 8 or so as far as being excited to meet me. She also suggested extending the date and going on another one before I had the chance to do it. There were several times during the date I felt like kissing her, but we were sitting in public and I was kind of afraid to try it with people walking by or at a restaurant where the server might come up to us. So I waited for the end of the night when we were alone. The last woman I kissed ghosted me right after and I thought it was kind of a situation like you described where we couldn't help but kiss. That was probably the first time in my life I had experienced that. After I kissed her I went to pull away and she had her arms around my neck and gave me this look I'll never forget and went back and gave me another long kiss. I think she moved after that and that was why she ghosted. With this current date I think the kiss went well. We kind of held it for a bit and then I went back for another one that was equally as long. It wasn't a peck, but not super long either. After the kiss she looked me in the eyes and and did kind of an air kiss. That's when I felt really awkward. Like should I keep going back to the well or is that enough for the 1st time and I should just leave? Of course I wanted to keep going, but I didn't know what to do as far as etiquette and didn't want to ruin things. That feeling of not knowing what to do is what prompted me to ask the question here.
Trail Blazer Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 This one is a bit tricky. All the girls I've dated in the last four years (post separation) have not been backward in going forward. They've either made the first move, or when I've initiated the kiss, they've hung there and conveyed such enthusiasm that it was very obvious to me to just keep going. The girls I've dated were pretty socially progressive. I'd imagine if you're dating more conservative women, it might be a little more tricky to navigate this area. 1
Gaeta Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 So men really wonder about escalating things physically after only one date? About kissing her only for a few dates before considering running your hands on her or going to her place.
glows Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 I've actually never kissed anyone on a first date. It's usually something like third or fourth. I didn't feel comfortable so take it as it comes. Everyone is a little different. I don't think inviting anyone over is a green light so don't assume that. It could be dinner and conversation for example. Try to figure out your conversations also and the kinds of things you both are interested in. If you're not connecting intellectually, nothing might happen with some people. Depends who you date. 2
cleverusername Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 5 minutes ago, glows said: I've actually never kissed anyone on a first date. It's usually something like third or fourth. I didn't feel comfortable so take it as it comes. Everyone is a little different. I don't think inviting anyone over is a green light so don't assume that. It could be dinner and conversation for example. Try to figure out your conversations also and the kinds of things you both are interested in. If you're not connecting intellectually, nothing might happen with some people. Depends who you date. Interesting. Are these first dates also first meets? Like if you knew them for a while before the date would you kiss them?
glows Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 9 minutes ago, cleverusername said: Interesting. Are these first dates also first meets? Like if you knew them for a while before the date would you kiss them? I don't view kissing as the only form of affection? No, I probably wouldn't if I'd known them for awhile. It's not a sign of romance or progress to me - there are a lot of other unspoken behaviours. I didn't realize this was odd. As sex isn't a priority this is rather low on interest. Building trust is more attractive to me. Hope that makes sense. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 (edited) Remember, this stuff is kinda superficial, though I get that you're stressing over it. If you have chemistry with the person, you two will figure out how to kiss each other and how long and how intensely and all of that. The only times I've had to think about all this, I learned over time, was when I was not in sync with the person. When you're kissing, you want to pay attention to if she's kissing you back. If you're into it and you sense she is into (she's not just putting up with your kiss, she's actively pressing into the kiss), or putting her arm around your neck or so on, then that's a sign that you can keep going. You put a little pressure into the kiss, you want to see if she matches your pressure. If she doesn't, then slow down or back off. If she matches your pressure and you like it, you can keep going, again you're paying attention to her reaction AND your own. You're looking for (or sensing for) that sweet spot when you're really into it and she's really into it. You should be able to tell the difference between someone going along with a kiss and someone really enjoying the kiss. You should be able to feel that. And you should be able to feel when you're into it and she's not. Edited July 8, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 1
cleverusername Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 37 minutes ago, glows said: I don't view kissing as the only form of affection? No, I probably wouldn't if I'd known them for awhile. It's not a sign of romance or progress to me - there are a lot of other unspoken behaviours. I didn't realize this was odd. As sex isn't a priority this is rather low on interest. Building trust is more attractive to me. Hope that makes sense. Thanks for the answer!! I was just curious if that was a comfort level thing or just a sign of attraction thing. I've never had a problem with it, but obviously my interactions and experiences don't speak for everyone. Have any guys gone for it and you not been having it? Did it kill the attraction? How did they take it?
Lotsgoingon Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 @cleverusername, I'm not sure what you mean by "gone for it." You mean initiated a kiss out of nowhere? Can you explain your question a bit more.
cleverusername Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 Just now, Lotsgoingon said: @cleverusername, I'm not sure what you mean by "gone for it." You mean initiated a kiss out of nowhere? Can you explain your question a bit more. Yeah, gone for the kiss and not had it reciprocated. Due to mixed or wrongly read signals
Lotsgoingon Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 Yes, I did that once and it was a disaster. She got mad at me ... That was many years ago. Over time I relaxed. You don't need to "go for it." You just need to show up, and it should be obvious when it's time to kiss. I had to learn to pay attention to my own feelings and to how she's reacting. Like I was out on a long and seemingly wonderful date with this woman. There came a time when we sat on a bench to just talk and take a break. Wonderful conversation. Well at one point, she just revealed something meaningful to me and I was expecting that she would bring her face closer to mine or give me a look that said, "I want to kiss." It was the time to just open up and kiss. Nope--never happened. She kept her distance enough and her smile at me brief enough that I sensed something wasn't right. So I didn't "go for it." And I was right: this woman wasn't into me. So you don't have to take a leap. Dude, this happens. Humans who like each other will find a way to touch each other.
SumGuy Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 23 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: ....You're looking for (or sensing for) that sweet spot when you're really into it and she's really into it. You should be able to tell the difference between someone going along with a kiss and someone really enjoying the kiss. You should be able to feel that. And you should be able to feel when you're into it and she's not. This; and nothing wrong OP with erring a bit on the side of caution and slow tings down/save some for later. If you are into each other that should be well received even if your hormones are making it hard you crazy kids 1
smackie9 Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 The only thing that kills attraction is lack of confidence.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 8, 2021 Posted July 8, 2021 (edited) I agree: I don't think you lose out by erring on the side of caution. This kiss really should just be a natural and organic part of the date. In other words, you don't show your romantic interest by the kiss alone. That was something I did on bad dates when I was hitting on a woman who was a bad fit for me. I would stay in friendship mode the entire time and then at the end go for a kiss. That's bad technique at best. It's awful dating and cluelessness at worst. I was trying to make something out of the date that wasn't really there. You don't want to do that. If you're feeling excited and turned on by your date, you want that to show. It can show in your enthusiasm, in the way you smile, in giving her a compliment, touching her hand. Heck your interest can show up just by the way you're happy and nervous at the same time. And then you should notice how she's responding. This reminds me of what a researcher on dance once said. Humans will naturally dance to music, he said. What holds them back is socialization against that. Absent repressive socialization, people naturally move. Well you can, if you relax, just naturally show that you're romantically interested in someone. You don't really have to work hard for this. It should just show, except a lot of us step on that energy and so the woman picks up only friendship energy. And then you go for the kiss at the end. And the kiss is disconnected from the rest of the date. The kiss should reflect the energy of the date with someone. It should be a natural culmination. Edited July 8, 2021 by Lotsgoingon
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