sliticy Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 So this will be a followup to my last post on here, where i didn't know whether this girl i have been seeing wanted something serious or not. It kind of progressed really fast until this recent event happened. I will summarise it to make it easier. So i met this girl on tinder like 2 months ago, we hung out a couple times and had great chemistry, we really clicked, we just got closer and closer until one day at a homeparty she invited me to, we discussed "what we are?" those were her own words, she didnt know what we are and where we stand. But she stated that she didnt want a relationship as she is moving away for 10 months to go to school in a different city. So she suggested something casual, something like an FWB arrangement, but then again not quite. This is where things take a bad turn. We had sex a couple times and for a week it was fine until i catched feelings for her. I was going to tell her that i did. But before that happened she called me and told me she did not want to do the FWB arrangement anymore. She blew it off like it was nothing and now she only wanted to just hangout as friends. This was a day before we were supposed to have a sleepover and i obviously canceled the sleepover and called her that evening instead. Which is when i told her i had feelings for her. I told her the things we did in the casual relationship was more than something casual. And it was. It really was. And its not just something im saying cause i am so stuck up on her. Examples, she always kissed me just randomly outside of sex, told me how attracted she was to me in many ways, physically and mentally, cuddled alot with me outside of sex, also slept ontop of me, and with me in bed while just holding me for hours. After i told her about my feelings she told me once again she had "friendly feelings" for me. And i told her i needed time to think about if i could ever be friends with her again after i caught feelings for her. She told me she respects it and will give me the time and we havent talked in 4 days now. I also asked her why she didn't want to keep the casual relationship again during our last call and she said "i felt like it got too romantic and too sexual" which doesnt make sense to me, other than in the way that she is scared of catching feelings for me due to moving or some other reason. So i probably left out some stuff, and can add on certain things if needed. Basically i don't know what to do now. I don't wanna loose her as a connection cause i really like her beyond my feelings, i just don't know if its worth the time and energy. I just need to settle it in one way or another. Otherwise i can't move on.
smackie9 Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 (edited) no it does make sense. She was only in it for the moment, and when she sensed you were catching feelings, she put the breaks on. Sorry but it is what it is. I have been in her shoes many times when I just wanted a quick passionate fling. When their feelings started getting in the way, it was a big turn off. She was into the action of sex and passion, not necessarily you. And yes you can move on and you will. If you get attached so easily, don't get involved in such an arrangement. Edited July 6, 2021 by smackie9
AnnieB Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 Confused. Do you want a relationship with her? If so, be very clear about that in the future with anyone else you date. People catch feelings and still don't want to be on a relationship nowadays. Everything is a fair game. She is moving away, so she won't be able to be in a relationship with you, whether or not there were feelings, is irrelevant. Focus on finding someone, who is compatible with your goals. Hooking up doesn't make a relationship. Agreeing on being in a committed relationship, makes a relationship.
ShyViolet Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 She told you she doesn't want a relationship with you, now doesn't even want a FWB arrangement with you, wants to be nothing but friends, and she is moving away in 10 months. I'm not sure what you hope to accomplish by continuing to be hung up on her and trying to pursue this. She told you she's not interested in anything with you beyond friends, you need to LISTEN to what she has said. You sound as if you think you can "convince" her that she does in fact have feelings for you. That's not how this works; you don't know her own feelings better than she does. If she was interested, you'd know. Listen to what she has told you and respect her wishes. And no, you cannot just be "friends" with her when you have all these feelings for her. 3 1
spiderowl Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 I'm sorry what started out as a casual relationship went this way. It does sound as if she was lovey-dovey, rather than just sexual as one might be if only in it for FWB. It is easy to mistake such spontaneous kissing and cuddling as perhaps more than a casual relationship. For whatever reason, she has changed her mind about the setup. It is best you give up on her now. In fact, if you try to keep in touch with her, to get her to talk or to chase her in any way at all, you would be more likely to put her off. It may be that she's one of these people who likes to get others to fall in love with her so that she can feel attractive and missed. If you buck the trend and just give up on her, she won't get the satisfaction of the man hankering after her. Honestly, I think there is nothing to be gained by continuing this relationship in any form. You deserve someone who does want a relationship with you. 1
glows Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 Move on. You want something she doesn't want and she's moving away. This is a dead end. You were only having sex for two weeks. Meet someone else and preferably not from tinder as it's for hook ups/flings. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 She's probably met someone else, OP. I would not bother keeping in touch anymore. Being friends won't work and she is likely going to fade out now anyway.
Sun Seeker Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 What you do is cut all contact with her. She's just not that into you. You will have your 'connection' with other women. When you meet one that feels the same about you as you do about them, you will realise you are just wasting your time with this one, who does not.
Miss Spider Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 (edited) From the beginning she was unwilling to date you/commit. She saw through you like her a lot that and she doesn’t want to do more damage. Cut her off and try to move forward. Find a better one. Edited July 6, 2021 by Cookiesandough 2
Wiseman2 Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 4 hours ago, sliticy said: she called me and told me she did not want to do the FWB arrangement anymore. She blew it off like it was nothing and now she only wanted to just hangout as friends. Is she dating others or on/off with a BF/ex?
Author sliticy Posted July 6, 2021 Author Posted July 6, 2021 6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Is she dating others or on/off with a BF/ex? She came out of a relationship like 7/8 months ago, that's the only thing i know. She has told me she is not seeing anyone else currently, but you never know. 1
Author sliticy Posted July 6, 2021 Author Posted July 6, 2021 Thanks for all the advice! What I will do is just move on. As hard as it is for me right now it will be fine. I set my boundaries last time we talked (that I can't be friends with someone who I have feelings for) If she changes her mind or had secret feelings it's on her to let me know. If she doesn't it just was not meant to be.. 4 1
prince0fgame Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 (edited) Romance is a two way street. It's not just about your feelings, It's also about her feelings too. Romantic escalation has to account for both parties involved. She has to make a genuine effort to capture you into a committed relationship. You can't chase. You can only meet her halfway. If she made an effort to capture you, only then can you escalate things towards a romantic relationship. But it's obvious she just wanted to experience romance without commitment. True romance = meeting each other half way. Without that dynamic, you are essentially chasing. And chasing is needy and repulsive, hence her no longer even wanting to have a sexual relationship with you. She knows you will just become more needy. Her excuse of "I felt like it got too romantic" is code word for "I felt like you got too clingy." Edited July 6, 2021 by prince0fgame
glows Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 9 minutes ago, sliticy said: Thanks for all the advice! What I will do is just move on. As hard as it is for me right now it will be fine. I set my boundaries last time we talked (that I can't be friends with someone who I have feelings for) If she changes her mind or had secret feelings it's on her to let me know. If she doesn't it just was not meant to be.. I'd be a bit more proactive and resolved about this since she's moving away. Don't start up a long distance relationship with anyone who's moving in the opposite direction.
Author sliticy Posted July 6, 2021 Author Posted July 6, 2021 5 minutes ago, glows said: I'd be a bit more proactive and resolved about this since she's moving away. Don't start up a long distance relationship with anyone who's moving in the opposite direction. Could you elaborate?
glows Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 10 minutes ago, sliticy said: Could you elaborate? Isn't she moving away for school? Either way good for you for setting boundaries. 1
Author sliticy Posted July 6, 2021 Author Posted July 6, 2021 9 minutes ago, glows said: Isn't she moving away for school? Either way good for you for setting boundaries. She is moving away for a bit less then a year, but i get your point, and by the time she is back i will be over her anyway. 1
mark clemson Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 For various reasons there are folks who are uncomfortable with "emotional" relationships where you "really like them" and are more in it for the "fun". If she's like that, then you should respect her wishes. This moving thing could indeed be a big reason. If she only wants to be friends you may well be hurt if you stick around as an "orbiter" if/when she starts hooking up with some other guy. Conversely, since you are just friends, you can (and possibly should) look for someone else to have a relationship with. Keep in mind that the majority of relationships don't turn into long-term ones, so no real surprise here. If she doesn't see an extended future with you, well, that's how it is.
Blind-Sided Posted July 7, 2021 Posted July 7, 2021 Regardless of why.... she doesn't want the relationship you want. I think she also had feelings, and that's why she broke it off. It's best to just end things, and go NC. Trying to be friends will just bring pain. Sorry this has happend.
kendahke Posted July 7, 2021 Posted July 7, 2021 she took your temperature and didn't like the reading... the tables are flipped on you--next time when you raise a woman's expectations, you'll know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of "yeah, I changed my mind, I'd rather be a friend..." and do a better job of letting her down gently, just like you're wishing this chick did to you.
Author sliticy Posted July 7, 2021 Author Posted July 7, 2021 16 hours ago, prince0fgame said: Romance is a two way street. It's not just about your feelings, It's also about her feelings too. Romantic escalation has to account for both parties involved. She has to make a genuine effort to capture you into a committed relationship. You can't chase. You can only meet her halfway. If she made an effort to capture you, only then can you escalate things towards a romantic relationship. But it's obvious she just wanted to experience romance without commitment. True romance = meeting each other half way. Without that dynamic, you are essentially chasing. And chasing is needy and repulsive, hence her no longer even wanting to have a sexual relationship with you. She knows you will just become more needy. Her excuse of "I felt like it got too romantic" is code word for "I felt like you got too clingy." The funny thing is, she was actually the one who got more needy, usually it was like back and forth on who started a conversation over text, but after our sleepover she hit me up earlier and more often (every day, multiple times) She never did that before, and that's why. So her excuse of being too romantic i think was not a code word for needy but rather for her catching or potentially catching feelings, which clearly is something she wants to avoid. The other thing is she was the one who initiated all the things that FWB shouldn't do. I did not at any point make myself seem more needy for intimacy or for attention.
Author sliticy Posted July 7, 2021 Author Posted July 7, 2021 3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: Regardless of why.... she doesn't want the relationship you want. I think she also had feelings, and that's why she broke it off. It's best to just end things, and go NC. Trying to be friends will just bring pain. Sorry this has happend. It's sad that it has to be this way. But if she didn't want to let those feelings develop further it's her fault. Nothing I can do but what you said, move on.
prince0fgame Posted July 7, 2021 Posted July 7, 2021 2 minutes ago, sliticy said: The funny thing is, she was actually the one who got more needy, usually it was like back and forth on who started a conversation over text, but after our sleepover she hit me up earlier and more often (every day, multiple times) She never did that before, and that's why. So her excuse of being too romantic i think was not a code word for needy but rather for her catching or potentially catching feelings, which clearly is something she wants to avoid. The other thing is she was the one who initiated all the things that FWB shouldn't do. I did not at any point make myself seem more needy for intimacy or for attention. Whatever you said never disputed my equation of romance. I said true romance = two people meeting each other half way. You can rationalize the situation all you want, but she did not meet you half way. She left you in the ditch. That's a fact. The rest is your rationalization. She did not initiate things on a relationship level. She enjoyed the no strings attached fling. Like I said, unless she tries to capture you into a committed relationship, it is completely one sided. You think women can't enjoy romance without commitment? You think only men can do that? I have news for you. A lot of women can enjoy no strings attached romance just as much as men can.
Wiseman2 Posted July 7, 2021 Posted July 7, 2021 1 hour ago, sliticy said: The funny thing is, she was actually the one who got more needy. The other thing is she was the one who initiated all the things that FWB shouldn't do. Unfortunately this all seems like she was looking for a fill-in while she shopped around. Be glad you're free to pursue whatever you wish .
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