He's 'processing'….

[Blondevsworld]

Please help. I feel like I’m deep in a mindf***. 
I have been seeing a guy for 5 months. I took things really slow, we gradually formed a friend ship and when I was ready I agreed with him that I wanted an “us.” He pursued me very hard and was super sweet. This guy had been cheated on in the past like I had experienced as well in a prior relationship so there was even more grounds for connection there. I really liked this guy and he seemed to be into me. I made a mistake and didn’t tell him I quit my job. He knew I was having frustrations in the position and knew I was interviewing for other positions. Honestly, I was so embarrassed to have to admit to him I quit my job. I was afraid he would look at me as a loser with no job. I wanted to wait to tell him when I was in more of an “honorable” position once accepted a new job offer. ( and I did accept something new, something I’m super passionate about) it was daunting for me to have to tell him though at the time because I was filled with shame and guilt, which I feel are normal emotions to have when someone is unemployed. I did tell him the truth because I didn’t want to dismantle anything in the future with him. I wanted everything out there. No hiding anything. … Now he says he can’t get past it. He says he’ll never be able to completely trust me 100%. I do understand where he’s coming from putting myself in his shoes. I am just so heartbroken because me hiding that information/lying was not out of malice or ill intent, I was simply embarrassed. And I would think if someone truly cared about you and wanted to be with you that he would want to have an honest open conversation about it and work through it. He refused to call or see me for a month. We just spent alot of energy writing long chain text messages…. Me apologizing remorsefully, taking accountability and telling him that it will never happen again and him sending me wishy washy mixed messages saying he needs to “process” my messages. 
He strung me along for a month and said multiple times to me he wanted to have a conversation in person but was too scared because he didn’t know what was going to come out of his mouth. He said he didn’t want to get hurt. Hurt is all he’s known. 
I’ve respected his boundaries during this time and didn’t initiate calling or texting because I wanted to let him process what he needed to, but still let him know I was thinking of him. 
 

well he finally broke it off a few days ago. I said I understood and that I cared for him and that I wished him the best in the future. 
this was on Tuesday. The weekend before I made him a lovely card and wrote a letter and poured my heart out one last time to give me the chance to prove to him that I’m trustworthy. I mailed it to him. He didn’t get the card until Wednesday, the day after he broke up with me. I received a text on Wednesday saying, “So extremely thoughtful. You really are a wonderful person. Thank you so much for this. There’s a lot in here I want to process” ….. 

so I’m confused because I thought the door was closed. And now with this text it makes it seem like he might get back to me?? He has used “process” so much throughout the past month. Was this just a nice thank you from him or is he reconsidering things??? Why would you send this text the day after you break up with someone? It’s like leaving the door open again? 
help….. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Blondevsworld said:

. This guy had been cheated on in the past like I had experienced as well in a prior relationship so there was even more grounds for connection there .

He says he’ll never be able to completely trust me 100%. 

Sorry this happened. Congratulations on the new job.

20 weeks dating is a good time to observe if you are compatible and if there are red flags.

Unfortunately this breakup would have happened anyway. 

There was very little interest/passion in the first place and worse, the only "connection" was being cheated on.

Let him go. Enjoy your new job and date less damaged, more interested men in the future.

[d0nnivain]

At 5 months in it's none of his business where or if you work, as long as you weren't mooching off him.  I'm not sure why you are pining to get such a guy back or why you are so defensive about what happened.  You made a decision to quit a job you hated.   Personally I would never quit one job before I had another one lined up but you saw your life differently & it's your life.   

I think part of his reaction is that you acted like what you chose to do was somehow shameful.  You talk about being "embarrassed" and "feeling guilty."   The same way people can sense when somebody else is desperate your negative feelings came out of you & he sensed them.  It was that undefined upset that had him questioning you.  He probably fears there is something worse you didn't tell him.  Especially since he was previously cheated on, he's punishing you for her failings.  He thinks you are doing some trickle-truth thing because his ability to trust has been damaged.  

I don't buy this lying by omission thing.  You had no affirmative obligations to disclose your employment status to a new BF while you were in transition.  Now if you pulled this on a spouse, different story.  But here, by the time you told him you already had a new job so it was no skin off his nose & therefore nothing for  him to get upset about.  No trust was broken.  Where does he get off giving you grief about choices you made in your life that were none of his business?   Again, this stems from his history but IMO he's too damaged to date.  

Your obsequiousness around the whole thing, chasing him, apologizing & putting up with whatever his "process" is really off putting.  You come across as somebody who doesn't trust her own judgment.  That is highly unattractive, more so than your employment status.  

[FMW]

I don't  believe not immediately telling someone you quit your job is reasonable grounds to end the relationship.  

5 months isn't very long and certainly doesn't merit discussing every (or any) issue and decision in your life.

If that's  really his reason, he sounds controlling and rigid.  

Own your own decisions, you don't owe anyone else explanations.

[Blondevsworld]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

At 5 months in it's none of his business where or if you work, as long as you weren't mooching off him.  I'm not sure why you are pining to get such a guy back or why you are so defensive about what happened.  You made a decision to quit a job you hated.   Personally I would never quit one job before I had another one lined up but you saw your life differently & it's your life.   

I think part of his reaction is that you acted like what you chose to do was somehow shameful.  You talk about being "embarrassed" and "feeling guilty."   The same way people can sense when somebody else is desperate your negative feelings came out of you & he sensed them.  It was that undefined upset that had him questioning you.  He probably fears there is something worse you didn't tell him.  Especially since he was previously cheated on, he's punishing you for her failings.  He thinks you are doing some trickle-truth thing because his ability to trust has been damaged.  

I don't buy this lying by omission thing.  You had no affirmative obligations to disclose your employment status to a new BF while you were in transition.  Now if you pulled this on a spouse, different story.  But here, by the time you told him you already had a new job so it was no skin off his nose & therefore nothing for  him to get upset about.  No trust was broken.  Where does he get off giving you grief about choices you made in your life that were none of his business?   Again, this stems from his history but IMO he's too damaged to date.  

Your obsequiousness around the whole thing, chasing him, apologizing & putting up with whatever his "process" is really off putting.  You come across as somebody who doesn't trust her own judgment.  That is highly unattractive, more so than your employment status.  

Thank you for your thoughtful response. Yes, I agree that a good portion of his reaction is due to his history and is projecting that onto me. Ugh… yes I admit that all the chasing him and apologizing is super off putting. I don’t think I handle rejection well and deal with some abandonment issues if my own. I always look back and think everything is my fault. (What could I have done/not done, say not/say) I have work to do myself with my therapist in learning more to trust myself and my own judgement. It has been a struggle for me for quite some time. 

[Pumpernickel]

I understand both perspectives. And I think it also depends on how close you were during these 5 months of starting a relationship. If you were together pretty much almost every day and talked about everything, or if you had daily phone conversations in between dates, etc., I can understand that he’d be disappointed that you didn’t share that major decision with him.
OTOH - If you saw the guy let’s say once a week for a dinner date or whatnot,  and you were still in the dating phase, then meh, that’s not a close relationship yet. You don’t owe him an explanation, and if you're “embarrassed”, well, then it’s your decision to NOT let him know. It means you just didn’t trust him that much yet. 
 

Not sure if the “processing” remark means anything. He might’ve been really surprised to receive an apology letter after the official breakup, and felt the need to reply out of politeness, or he really wants to keep the door open. You never know. But usually - if after a breakup there’s an olive branch coming from your ex, you grab it with both hands and jump at the opportunity, if you really want that person back in your life. He’s not done that. Not saying it’s lack of interest. Could be many things. After 5 months, he might not have been as attached as you, and the unemployment story just justified a breakup that he wanted anyway - maybe. 

[glows]

No, let him go. There's a possibility neither of you are ready to date. Don't ever feel ashamed for something like that. You left one job to pursue another and you should be proud of yourself. Next time own that and don't let your fear of what someone else thinks pull you down. If someone wants to make you feel less-than, both of you clearly are not compatible. You use it to your advantage to weed out the ones who aren't on the same page as you , never shy away from your own truth. 

And second, he's making a big hullaballoo over a tiny piece of information at such an early stage. I agree he seems rigid and not a good match. I would interpret his last text as nothing. He's just acknowledging you. Focus on your new job and surround yourself with better people who understand you.

[Blondevsworld]

42 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

I understand both perspectives. And I think it also depends on how close you were during these 5 months of starting a relationship. If you were together pretty much almost every day and talked about everything, or if you had daily phone conversations in between dates, etc., I can understand that he’d be disappointed that you didn’t share that major decision with him.
OTOH - If you saw the guy let’s say once a week for a dinner date or whatnot,  and you were still in the dating phase, then meh, that’s not a close relationship yet. You don’t owe him an explanation, and if you're “embarrassed”, well, then it’s your decision to NOT let him know. It means you just didn’t trust him that much yet. 
 

Not sure if the “processing” remark means anything. He might’ve been really surprised to receive an apology letter after the official breakup, and felt the need to reply out of politeness, or he really wants to keep the door open. You never know. But usually - if after a breakup there’s an olive branch coming from your ex, you grab it with both hands and jump at the opportunity, if you really want that person back in your life. He’s not done that. Not saying it’s lack of interest. Could be many things. After 5 months, he might not have been as attached as you, and the unemployment story just justified a breakup that he wanted anyway - maybe. 

We saw each other roughly 2 times a week. Texted mostly everyday. See that's the confusing part for me. In the beginning stages I was a little put off by how much he was pursuing me. He kept sending texts saying how AMAZING I was and that I bring so much happiness to his life! For some reason my body was giving me red flags because I just couldn't understand these super lovey dovey texts he was sending me after only knowing each other a month, and only going on 4 total dates. He said things like "you're the one I'm looking for" and was SOOOO sure about me. As time went on I liked him more and more and really did see the possibility of a future with this man. BUT then to have the rug pulled out from under me so quickly was shocking. He just like shut down and was super passive aggressive after this incident. 

My friends say that yes I could have handled things better but he's still projecting his baggage onto me... you were bound to make a mistake at some point... it wasn't a matter of "if" but of "when" you would make a mistake and he'd really come down on you for it. That's problematic. ... He's going to have issues if he shuts out every prospective lover who makes a mistake. 

[Blondevsworld]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

No, let him go. There's a possibility neither of you are ready to date. Don't ever feel ashamed for something like that. You left one job to pursue another and you should be proud of yourself. Next time own that and don't let your fear of what someone else thinks pull you down. If someone wants to make you feel less-than, both of you clearly are not compatible. You use it to your advantage to weed out the ones who aren't on the same page as you , never shy away from your own truth. 

And second, he's making a big hullaballoo over a tiny piece of information at such an early stage. I agree he seems rigid and not a good match. I would interpret his last text as nothing. He's just acknowledging you. Focus on your new job and surround yourself with better people who understand you.

Thank you, yes staying in my own lane now -- focusing on me  

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Blondevsworld said:

Thank you, yes staying in my own lane now -- focusing on me  

That's good. And I am sorry about the falling out. Onwards and forwards.

[ShyViolet]

It's not clear exactly how long of a time period you were lying and saying you were still going to work when in fact you had quit the job.  Once you did admit that you kept that from him, I don't blame him for being uncomfortable continuing to date you.  I can totally understand why he wouldn't want to date someone who would lie about that and hide things from him.  It would make him wonder what else you are capable of lying about.  True, your job status is not directly his concern, but it's a big piece of information about your life, and if you weren't ready to be open and honest with him about what was going on in your life, then you weren't ready to be in a relationship.

 

[Ithurts17]

On 7/5/2021 at 9:44 AM, Blondevsworld said:

Please help. I feel like I’m deep in a mindf***. 
I have been seeing a guy for 5 months. I took things really slow, we gradually formed a friend ship and when I was ready I agreed with him that I wanted an “us.” He pursued me very hard and was super sweet. This guy had been cheated on in the past like I had experienced as well in a prior relationship so there was even more grounds for connection there. I really liked this guy and he seemed to be into me. I made a mistake and didn’t tell him I quit my job. He knew I was having frustrations in the position and knew I was interviewing for other positions. Honestly, I was so embarrassed to have to admit to him I quit my job. I was afraid he would look at me as a loser with no job. I wanted to wait to tell him when I was in more of an “honorable” position once accepted a new job offer. ( and I did accept something new, something I’m super passionate about) it was daunting for me to have to tell him though at the time because I was filled with shame and guilt, which I feel are normal emotions to have when someone is unemployed. I did tell him the truth because I didn’t want to dismantle anything in the future with him. I wanted everything out there. No hiding anything. … Now he says he can’t get past it. He says he’ll never be able to completely trust me 100%. I do understand where he’s coming from putting myself in his shoes. I am just so heartbroken because me hiding that information/lying was not out of malice or ill intent, I was simply embarrassed. And I would think if someone truly cared about you and wanted to be with you that he would want to have an honest open conversation about it and work through it. He refused to call or see me for a month. We just spent alot of energy writing long chain text messages…. Me apologizing remorsefully, taking accountability and telling him that it will never happen again and him sending me wishy washy mixed messages saying he needs to “process” my messages. 
He strung me along for a month and said multiple times to me he wanted to have a conversation in person but was too scared because he didn’t know what was going to come out of his mouth. He said he didn’t want to get hurt. Hurt is all he’s known. 
I’ve respected his boundaries during this time and didn’t initiate calling or texting because I wanted to let him process what he needed to, but still let him know I was thinking of him. 
 

well he finally broke it off a few days ago. I said I understood and that I cared for him and that I wished him the best in the future. 
this was on Tuesday. The weekend before I made him a lovely card and wrote a letter and poured my heart out one last time to give me the chance to prove to him that I’m trustworthy. I mailed it to him. He didn’t get the card until Wednesday, the day after he broke up with me. I received a text on Wednesday saying, “So extremely thoughtful. You really are a wonderful person. Thank you so much for this. There’s a lot in here I want to process” ….. 

so I’m confused because I thought the door was closed. And now with this text it makes it seem like he might get back to me?? He has used “process” so much throughout the past month. Was this just a nice thank you from him or is he reconsidering things??? Why would you send this text the day after you break up with someone? It’s like leaving the door open again? 
help….. 

 

I know exactly how you feel maybe it’s a female thing the pain can’t get worst than what my ex (who wasn’t my bf) but I would love him to text try or show up be honest with yourself type out all the bad stuff remember all the stuff you ignored or pretended didn’t happen dose feel better with time 

 

you may not know What’s going on is he coming back or not etc etc but that’s ok work on you anything else Is a bouns 

[stillafool]

I don't understand, if you only see him twice a week how did he know you were lying about your job?  Why would you tell him anything at all until you found a new job and then tell him "I changed jobs".  The rest is none of his business.  You don't live with him and share bills.  You should be the one pissed at him for thinking any of this is his business.  I would have ghosted him.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Why would you tell him anything at all until you found a new job and then tell him "I changed jobs".  The rest is none of his business. 

Agree. You dodged a bullet.

[Blondevsworld]

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

I don't understand, if you only see him twice a week how did he know you were lying about your job?  Why would you tell him anything at all until you found a new job and then tell him "I changed jobs".  The rest is none of his business.  You don't live with him and share bills.  You should be the one pissed at him for thinking any of this is his business.  I would have ghosted him.

There were two occasions when he inquired how work was going. I was indeed no longer at my prior job and interviewing for the new one. I told him in the interim those two occasions that work was going “fine.” …. So yes I straight up lied. I wasn’t comfortable/ready to say anything to him yet until I had gotten an offer.  I understand I should have been truthful. I truly am remorseful about that. Nerves got the best of me I guess. — I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him right away. I just wanted to figure my s*** out /deal with that myself and land the job and then move on. 

[Blondevsworld]

4 minutes ago, Blondevsworld said:

There were two occasions when he inquired how work was going. I was indeed no longer at my prior job and interviewing for the new one. I told him in the interim those two occasions that work was going “fine.” …. So yes I straight up lied. I wasn’t comfortable/ready to say anything to him yet until I had gotten an offer.  I understand I should have been truthful. I truly am remorseful about that. Nerves got the best of me I guess. — I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him right away. I just wanted to figure my s*** out /deal with that myself and land the job and then move on. 

Idk it my fear for telling the the truth comes  from childhood or not. I just remember being a terrified little girl many times around my dad and others. I was never allowed to really show up as a child / mess up without fearing what the grown up would say or ways they would react. Really trying to work on myself, self reflect and be more self aware about why I do the things I do….. 

[Blondevsworld]

On 7/5/2021 at 3:23 PM, ShyViolet said:

It's not clear exactly how long of a time period you were lying and saying you were still going to work when in fact you had quit the job.  Once you did admit that you kept that from him, I don't blame him for being uncomfortable continuing to date you.  I can totally understand why he wouldn't want to date someone who would lie about that and hide things from him.  It would make him wonder what else you are capable of lying about.  True, your job status is not directly his concern, but it's a big piece of information about your life, and if you weren't ready to be open and honest with him about what was going on in your life, then you weren't ready to be in a relationship.

 

There were two occasions when he inquired how work was going. I was indeed no longer at my prior job and interviewing for the new one. I told him in the interim those two occasions that work was going “fine.” …. So yes I straight up lied. I wasn’t comfortable/ready to say anything to him yet until I had gotten an offer.  I understand I should have been truthful. I truly am remorseful about that. Nerves got the best of me I guess. — I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him right away. I just wanted to figure my s*** out /deal with that myself and land the job and then move on. 

 

On 7/5/2021 at 3:23 PM, ShyViolet said:

It's not clear exactly how long of a time period you were lying and saying you were still going to work when in fact you had quit the job.  Once you did admit that you kept that from him, I don't blame him for being uncomfortable continuing to date you.  I can totally understand why he wouldn't want to date someone who would lie about that and hide things from him.  It would make him wonder what else you are capable of lying about.  True, your job status is not directly his concern, but it's a big piece of information about your life, and if you weren't ready to be open and honest with him about what was going on in your life, then you weren't ready to be in a relationship.

 

There were two occasions when he inquired how work was going. I was indeed no longer at my prior job and interviewing for the new one. I told him in the interim those two occasions that work was going “fine.” …. So yes I straight up lied. I wasn’t comfortable/ready to say anything to him yet until I had gotten an offer.  I understand I should have been truthful. I truly am remorseful about that. Nerves got the best of me I guess. — I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him right away. I just wanted to figure my s*** out /deal with that myself and land the job and then move on. 

Idk it my fear for telling the the truth comes  from childhood or not. I just remember being a terrified little girl many times around my dad and others. I was never allowed to really show up as a child / mess up without fearing what the grown up would say or ways they would react. Really trying to work on myself, self reflect and be more self aware about why I do the things I do….. 

[Blondevsworld]

On 7/5/2021 at 7:56 AM, FMW said:

I don't  believe not immediately telling someone you quit your job is reasonable grounds to end the relationship.  

5 months isn't very long and certainly doesn't merit discussing every (or any) issue and decision in your life.

If that's  really his reason, he sounds controlling and rigid.  

Own your own decisions, you don't owe anyone else explanations.

Thanks for your input. I LOL at the controlling and rigid comment,  Because he got all huffy puffy when I drank / got pretty buzzed on one of our dates and acted a bit more spontaneous. I thought it would have been a fun/ exciting date to look back on in the future!! (It was hot as hell out that night and I was like let’s go jump in the lake!) But it seemed like he was totally turned off by my playfulness and spontaneous side, unfortunately. 

[Ithurts17]

5 hours ago, Blondevsworld said:

Thanks for your input. I LOL at the controlling and rigid comment,  Because he got all huffy puffy when I drank / got pretty buzzed on one of our dates and acted a bit more spontaneous. I thought it would have been a fun/ exciting date to look back on in the future!! (It was hot as hell out that night and I was like let’s go jump in the lake!) But it seemed like he was totally turned off by my playfulness and spontaneous side, unfortunately. 

Can’t win them all, drinking getting drunk now and then and playful is fun with the right person 

[kendahke]

he sounds like he was just looking for a reason...

[Blondevsworld]

2 hours ago, kendahke said:

he sounds like he was just looking for a reason...

Yeah. I mean I guess it would of been simpler if he just told me, “hey I don’t think we are compatible” . I totally get that. 

[Miss Spider]

Mythoughts on this, and I hope I’m wrong, is that he purposefully blew up the whole job thing so he could get out guilt free. . I did the same thing when I wantedout of a relationship but felt trapped and didn’t want to be a bad guy. It’s emotionally immature . I took an insignificant thing he did and blew it up.  Yeah it’s wrong but it’s better sometimes. it’s really, really hard to break up with someone and it can end  badly if you don’t do it correctly. So just throwing it out there . Sorry:( 

Edited July 8, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Blondevsworld]

3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Mythoughts on this, and I hope I’m wrong, is that he purposefully blew up the whole job thing so he could get out guilt free. . I did the same thing when I wantedout of a relationship but felt trapped and didn’t want to be a bad guy. It’s emotionally immature . I took an insignificant thing he did and blew it up.  Yeah it’s wrong but it’s better sometimes. it’s really, really hard to break up with someone and it can end  badly if you don’t do it correctly. So just throwing it out there . Sorry:( 

I mean thats a possibility. I think it’s really effed up though because he really laid the blame on me and really punished me. One of the last things he said was how he was back in Therapy and just couldn’t realize after all the therapy he’s had since his divorce 3-4 years ago; he just couldn’t believe that I did this to him. (That I lied/lied by omission) 

He was like “this isn’t just a you and I issue, but also how do I not bring THIS into future personal/intimate relationships in the future” He also said he’s been turning to his church mentors and really searching for answers. 

In my mind, I’m just like Buddy, people you really like/love are bound to disappoint you and hurt you in some capacity throughout life. I guess I think the key is communication and willingness on both parts to work together to mend things and want to learn and understand each other. What each other’s needs are , communication style…. Etc. I really wanted to understand him.

He’s really laying it on thick that I hurt him soooooooooo bad! 

Edited July 8, 2021 by Blondevsworld

[flitzanu]

i thiink it's a pretty big overreaction with "i can't trust you, i can't believe you didn't tell me" blah blah.  i mean, it's your life.  yes, you "lied" but that lie was because of your own insecurity, and ME PERSONALLY, i'd think if someone did that to me, i'd likely feel more concern about trying to console those thoughts rather than throw them back in your face.  it's not like you lied about being married, or lied about having kids, or lied about being a virgin.

so, to me, sounds like a bit of a controlling jerk and probably going to have other bad qualities if things continued.

[Blondevsworld]

6 hours ago, flitzanu said:

i thiink it's a pretty big overreaction with "i can't trust you, i can't believe you didn't tell me" blah blah.  i mean, it's your life.  yes, you "lied" but that lie was because of your own insecurity, and ME PERSONALLY, i'd think if someone did that to me, i'd likely feel more concern about trying to console those thoughts rather than throw them back in your face.  it's not like you lied about being married, or lied about having kids, or lied about being a virgin.

so, to me, sounds like a bit of a controlling jerk and probably going to have other bad qualities if things continued.

Yeah. It’s probably for the best. Ugh. Heartbreak. It hurts. It hurts so bad when you don’t expect it. Just a sucker punch. I just don’t know how someone flips the switch so quickly. From him telling me “I’m so scared you’ll lose interest in me” and other comments that showed his insecurities. (I looked at him with compassion and an open heart and tried to calm those feelings for him in a loving way. ) to all of a sudden being so cold, ignoring me, flaking on every chance we were supposed to get together to talk. Totally ghosting me for hours and hours. 
 

Now its been a full week since I last texted with him. Ughhh taking it day by day here. In the thick of it. Thanks everyone for advice and input on my situation.