ericw899 Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 Hey all, I apologize in advance for the long post. I'm a 25 year old man living in Nevada, who last year met an older woman (she's now 47). I met her because a guy I work with invited me over to his house for a bbq. He's an older man, but we get along very well and she is his niece. I've met this woman 5 times now and every time I see her we have great conversation, she's as sweet as can be, and she is very pretty. We flirt quite a bit and I feel like she really likes me (although I'm not sure if it's in the romantic sense). Her mother was also at the bbq and we were talking and she mentioned how she hopes her daughter can find a really good man & I said "I hope she likes younger men". I get the idea she has dated a lot of jerks and she is a single mom of two so obviously needs someone who is serious, which I am. Also we were talking and she mentioned how she was thinking about me and wanted to bring me something that we discussed the last time we were together. Anyway, to get to my point I'm not really sure what to do. I never saw myself with a woman who's 22 year older than me, but there is something about her that I just can't get enough of. I feel so great when I'm with her, and I would love to explore it further and ask her on a date. I just don't want to ask her and make things potentially awkward as I am good friends with her family especially her uncle. Thoughts?
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 (edited) As a woman of a similar age, I would tell you that I would not entertain the idea of a serious relationship with a man of your age. Normally, I would say that you have nothing to lose but things could get very awkward with her family. If you intend to pursue this, I would suggest that you go slow… ask her to meet you for coffee. Offer to take her hiking. If she needs help, go and fix something at her home… You may help you to ascertain if she was just being polite of if there is any kind of genuine interest… I hate to squash your hopes, but I think it’s a long shot. Edited July 5, 2021 by BaileyB 1
Alvi Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 (edited) Do you want to have kids one day? Maybe not now, but how about someday? If you do, even if you are thinking about having kids as a very distant possibility, then you should probably not get involved with this woman. It is highly unlikely that she is still able to have kids without any painful and very expensive fertility treatments. Provided that she wants to have more children that is. Would you leave her one day for the younger woman who could give you a child or two? This is something that you need to seriously consider if you want a long term relationship with this woman. Also, are you ready to be a stepfather to her kids? Are you both on the same level when it comes to the emotional maturity? How about things like a job and finances? You say that you find her attractive now, but how about 10 years down the road when she is going to look considerably older? Would you stick around if she gets sick? A lot of younger men have MILF fantasy and would gladly have a sexual fling with an older more experienced woman. The question is do they actually end up marrying them? Or do they find a woman their own age to settle down. It could be a nice fling for both of you if she agrees. Maybe a friend with benefit type of situation. But a long term future ending in a marriage? Not impossible, but odds are not in your favor. Edited July 5, 2021 by Alvi 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 (edited) It's ok to have a crush. However it's awkward because of the friends and family dynamics. Try not to make everyone uncomfortable with weird remarks about "hope she likes younger men". Stay in your own lane. Be more respectful of boundaries and appropriate chitchat. Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. If you have a thing for older women, that's fine but this situation is too awkward. Edited July 5, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 Be careful here, OP. The age gap is significant. It is unlikely you two would actually have a lot in common, not only in terms of general interests but also life experience. That can be very difficult to navigate, simply because one person has an entirely different framework for dating and love and you could find it hard to relate to each other. In other words? Keep you expectations low. I would also (as @Wiseman2 already suggested) not make any more remarks around her family about hoping she likes younger men. Keep those to yourself. 2 1
Gaeta Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 I usually don't encourage that big difference in age BUT l've seen people in very happy relationships by ignoring what society dictates them. My daughter's best friend has been in a relationship with a woman 22 years older. They've been together for years. My aunt has been with a man 27 years younger than her for over 25 years now. 1
Miss Spider Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 (edited) I’ve come around on this too.. I admit I used to think this was really weird, but I’m at the point now where love is love, man , and if an older man wants to be with a younger woman or vice versa, you guys do you… As long as nothing exploitative is going on , don’t get anyone’s issue should be with it. Love and let love Edited July 5, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 It's not about age. It's about believing you are in love with someone you have talked to 5 times. That in itself indicates that you have a crush but most of this is happening in your mind. Are you afraid to date women? Perhaps that's why you are fantasizing rather than dating?
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It's not about age. It's about believing you are in love with someone you have talked to 5 times. That in itself indicates that you have a crush but most of this is happening in your mind. Many people confuse kindness with romantic interest. There is little here that says she reciprocates his interest… 1
d0nnivain Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 Unless she takes a much more overt step to express romantic interest in you, do nothing. At this juncture assume you are a nice "boy" she likes talking to & nothing more. I put boy in quotes not to demean your manhood but because I would assume her interest in you is more maternal than anything else. 1
HiCrunchy Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 hmm personally i think age gaps where the person is old enough to be the other's parent is never a good idea for long term. Sure, it happens, but odds aren't in your favor and with the social dynamics going on I'd try another person. 1
czanclus Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 As a 43 year old woman, I'll say that the prospect of a fling with a 25 year old is highly appealing, but that's where it ends. I also doubt you would find her as alluring several months in when the infatuation passes. How old are her kids? Give this a second thought. Hopefully she's not the kind to withhold fun just because there's no promise for the future, but also do everyone a favor and spare her any vacuous promises no matter how committed you feel at this stage. Nothing is stopping her from looking for serious in general. Likewise for you, give it 8 years, and you'll want a family with your own biological kids that she will not be able to provide. This is not a compatible relationship match. 2
stillafool Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 She will be flattered that a man your age has a romantic interest in her. She may end up having a fling with you but that's all. She knows one day you may want kids and that door is closed for her. Don't break her heart always be honest.
MsJayne Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 She's five minutes away from menopause, and you don't want to go on that journey with her, trust me. You have an older woman fantasy, which is normal, go for your life if she's willing, but think very hard about wanting a serious long-term involvement with someone so much older. It's not about societies norms and adhering to them, it's about making sure that you want to be with someone a couple of decades older than you. Sometimes it works and it's true love, but most of the time it's about mummy or daddy issues in large age-gap relationships. 2
Ami1uwant Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 14 hours ago, Gaeta said: I usually don't encourage that big difference in age BUT l've seen people in very happy relationships by ignoring what society dictates them. My daughter's best friend has been in a relationship with a woman 22 years older. They've been together for years. My aunt has been with a man 27 years younger than her for over 25 years now. of course it’s more socially acceptable for older man 20+ yrs with a younger woman. In many cases it’s financially driven. It’s easier to still have kids in older man- younger woman. a risk in older woman- younger man us eyes could wander when he’s in his early 40s looking at a late 20s girl...
stillafool Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 34 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: a risk in older woman- younger man us eyes could wander when he’s in his early 40s looking at a late 20s girl.. Sorry but this risk cuts both ways. Younger womens eyes start to wander too after awhile. 1
Noproblem Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 (edited) It's a huge age gap.. If you are a guy and wanna date a girl 22 years younger than you. I would say it's not wise not a good choice. People will always feel that someone is using the other person for their youth, money, etc. I think she can still have kids if you wanna get married and get done with it really early ( provided you two actually want kids)! but are you really gonna marry her? Because I am afraid that she will love you and you will change your mind after a year or so, breaking her heart once more. She deserves someone who wanna stay with her for a long time, granted maybe she doesn't want someone that last forever. Maybe she just want to have a casual relationship for a year or two until you both have fun and nice time and then go into next stage of life. So, if you really really like this woman, I would say go for it, but don't give false hope of staying forever, don't give her fake love and devotion that we know you probably won't keep. Just ask her for a date and see how it goes! Age is a just a number! Edited July 6, 2021 by Noproblem
Miss Spider Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 (edited) People will judge but honestly if two people are woke enough, they will not care if they are super happy with each other. I once dated guy that was 18 years older than me. Honestly, it wasn’t about money or anything. I just liked him as a person. The opinions of people did get to me(because personally, I am not “woke”. I’m dead*ss asleep when it comes to some things)and my parents would never have approved of that and I could tell his friends and my friends were judging us. That wasn’t it though… we were just too different and also my eyes did wander lol Edited July 6, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Gaeta Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 At 25+ you're mature enough to know what's good for you. Under 25 it's a different situation as you're still maturing. My aunt had 6 adult children when she left my uncle for a man 27 years younger. It split the family. For years 3 of her children didn't speak to her. They were stubborn for selfish reasons. Never once they considered this man made her happy like never before. She has now spent more time with him than with my uncle. 1
spiderowl Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 (edited) I can appreciate you like her and that you find her attractive at the moment. You are not thinking ahead though. As others have mentioned, you may want kids one day and she is unlikely to be able to have them then. Also, she will look and be older when you are still young and physically able to do more - how much will you love her then? I'm an older women and I can tell you that there are countless young men on dating sites who claim they like older women and that they are attracted. While some of them seem to be nice people, I would not trust them. Others, clearly have some sort of fetish for older women and then there are others who, I feel sure, are just looking to be able to claim to have bedded an older woman, like it's a status thing. As for those who are suggesting you just have a fling, unless that's all she would want too, it is just heartless. She is a person with feelings, not just someone to sleep with until you meet someone younger. Quite frankly, I avoid much younger guys who claim romantic intentions like the plague. For the most part, I feel they are just users in some way or have insecurities and are seeking validation with someone more 'forgiving' perhaps until they are confident enough to find a younger woman. Sorry to be so harsh but you need to think about what you are doing here and what the long term might be. It is only fair to be honest with yourself and with her. Edited July 6, 2021 by spiderowl
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 If she isn't giving you clear signals that she's romantically attracted, I think a lot of this could just be in your own head. It's hard because you know her family, so making a move and having it be weird would...well, continue to be weird. As far as the older woman/younger man thing, I'm in my 50s. I would go for a guy in his 40s, probably, depending. But 20 years younger...that would be a tough one. I don't want to jump on the "but what about procreating?" bandwagon but this IS a fact, women aren't fertile forever. Men's fertility eventually goes down too and sperm quality goes down but that's a different story for a different day...often, a man CAN get a woman pregnant into his senior years. The woman can't so if you do want kids, please don't discount this...it may not seem like a big deal now but it would later. But that's all putting the cart before the horse...you guys haven't even had a date yet. I can see perhaps a fling but it would take a special set of circumstances and both of you being VERY much on the same page in order for even that to work out, and be clean once it was all done. And again...you have ties to her family. I personally don't think you should make a move at all unless you get some VERY clear indication that she's interested, and not just in a "what a nice, mature kid, he's nice to talk to" sort of way. JMO.
stillafool Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 15 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: People will judge but honestly if two people are woke enough, they will not care if they are super happy with each other. I once dated guy that was 18 years older than me. Honestly, it wasn’t about money or anything. I just liked him as a person. The opinions of people did get to me(because personally, I am not “woke”. I’m dead*ss asleep when it comes to some things)and my parents would never have approved of that and I could tell his friends and my friends were judging us. That wasn’t it though… we were just too different and also my eyes did wander lol No offense Cookie but with your looks they probably did think you were using him. I know you wouldn't do that though. 1
Author ericw899 Posted July 7, 2021 Author Posted July 7, 2021 To answer a few questions and add some more context. I have no interest in ever having my own kids so that would not be an issue. In fact my ideal scenario would be to have step kids who are in their teenage years, which they are. Also I don't have a fetish for older women, nor do I view this woman as someone I want a quick sexual deal with. I want the total opposite, I want to get to know her more, go on dates & see where things go. I don't normally go for women of this age but she makes me feel the way I know I want my future wife to. I think about her all the time, I'm just not sure If I should act on it 1
Noproblem Posted July 7, 2021 Posted July 7, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, ericw899 said: To answer a few questions and add some more context. I have no interest in ever having my own kids so that would not be an issue. In fact my ideal scenario would be to have step kids who are in their teenage years, which they are. Also I don't have a fetish for older women, nor do I view this woman as someone I want a quick sexual deal with. I want the total opposite, I want to get to know her more, go on dates & see where things go. I don't normally go for women of this age but she makes me feel the way I know I want my future wife to. I think about her all the time, I'm just not sure If I should act on it I would say start slow then, just ask her to go out with you to a coffee shop or anything not overall romantic, but kinda safe and nice! Get to know her more and slowly show her that you care about her! Like it doesn't have to be coffee shop, tell her you need her help in finding or buying this thing? What is she expert at? Flowers, fashion, furniture, is she passionate about dogs and cats, anything right? Like you would say, you wanna buy plants, and need her help! Or buy this unique table and she would be a great help or you wanna volunteer to this shelter of dogs and cats and you can go together to help these pets. or help homeless people in shelter anything she is interested in.. Like maybe go wine tasting etc etc etc etc etc etc or you wanna join this book club and you want to go with her because you kinda shy ( whatever the reason) Edited July 7, 2021 by Noproblem
Wiseman2 Posted July 7, 2021 Posted July 7, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, ericw899 said: I think about her all the time, I'm just not sure If I should act on it It's fine to have crushes and fantasies. However this is a coworker's friend and some fun chitchat. Date whoever you wish, whatever age, etc. but this particular situation is just a fantasy. Edited July 7, 2021 by Wiseman2
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