matty145 Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 Been seeing this girl on and off for about two months now. She’s 22 and I 24. Sex, multiple dates, met both our friends and seem to be kicking it off. I’m getting a mixed signal tho in the sense that she never initiates a whole lot, she won’t text me unless I start it and usually takes a while to respond, no she’s not that busy. That being said, whenever I do ask her out she always accepts and is open to most anything, never flakes or anything like that. I asked her straight up the other day if she wanted to be exclusive and she agreed but said not ready for bf/gf yet, she is down to keep seeing each other and see where this goes. I get a bad gut feeling I’m more invested and I’m gonna get hurt when she finds someone she likes more. What do you guys think? Thanks!
Ami1uwant Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 Whenivedated people...if I’m the one that always needs to initiate conversation turns me off.
Miss Spider Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 (edited) I would for the fact you ALWAYS are the one to initiate alone . Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
Author matty145 Posted July 4, 2021 Author Posted July 4, 2021 13 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I would for the fact you ALWAYS are the one to initiate alone . So just stop texting her all together? Block her?
smackie9 Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 (edited) You do whatever you are comfortable with. Even if you stop texting her, she's gonna know you have moved on. Edited July 4, 2021 by smackie9
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 1 minute ago, matty145 said: So just stop texting her all together? Block her? Why can’t you just tell her you’re breaking up? “You’re a great person and I’ll never forget you but we’re not really on the same page.”
Author matty145 Posted July 4, 2021 Author Posted July 4, 2021 1 minute ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Why can’t you just tell her you’re breaking up? “You’re a great person and I’ll never forget you but we’re not really on the same page.” Why do I need to? Not like she’s gonna notice if I’m gone…?
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 5 minutes ago, matty145 said: Why do I need to? Not like she’s gonna notice if I’m gone…? Okay, so just disappear then if you want to.
Hopeful30 Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 39 minutes ago, matty145 said: Been seeing this girl on and off for about two months now. She’s 22 and I 24. Sex, multiple dates, met both our friends and seem to be kicking it off. I’m getting a mixed signal tho in the sense that she never initiates a whole lot, she won’t text me unless I start it and usually takes a while to respond, no she’s not that busy. That being said, whenever I do ask her out she always accepts and is open to most anything, never flakes or anything like that. I asked her straight up the other day if she wanted to be exclusive and she agreed but said not ready for bf/gf yet, she is down to keep seeing each other and see where this goes. I get a bad gut feeling I’m more invested and I’m gonna get hurt when she finds someone she likes more. What do you guys think? Thanks! Always follow your gut. It never lies. 1
FudgeSwirl Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 The fact that she has never once backed out of a date with you shows the interest level is there. I wouldn't base it off of texting. However, there seems to be an incompatibility of needs where you prefer more frequent texting and for her to initiate communication equally. She might be more passive in that sense and may just not be into texting. Some people prefer light texting/no texting throughout the day and a phone call before bed or before work. Therefore the next time you actually speak to her face-to-face or on the phone ask her what her communication preference is. If however you are really set on ending this relationship because you have gone on multiple dates already, just break up with her normally and do not resort to ghosting or the slow fade, which only should ever be used in serious situations (ex: stalker, abuser, etc.). Both have become such comfortable break-up methods and they shouldn't be normalized. @CaliforniaGirlhas an excellent setup of what to say if you do choose to break up with her. 1
MsJayne Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 Stop initiating. You may never hear from her again, but if she does contact you and questions why she hasn't heard from you, tell her you didn't feel the interest was there because you're always the one initiating. If you met her through OLD it could be that she's been treated rudely, (because who hasn't on OLD), often enough that she's wary of investing too much and isn't prepared to show vulnerability with a new-ish person. 2
Interstellar Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 (edited) Yes, definitely stop initiating and let her contact you this time. See how long before she contacts you. She will eventually crack, lol. They always do. Edited July 5, 2021 by Interstellar 1
Acacia98 Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 6 hours ago, matty145 said: Why do I need to? Not like she’s gonna notice if I’m gone…? It's not so much that you need to. It's that you asked for people's thoughts and she gave you hers. We all have different ways of ending relationships or situationships. Some of us happen to think ghosting isn't the greatest of ideas, especially in these circumstances. I prefer to end things with a conversation or a message so that I can move on properly and so that the other person has the information they need to move on. If you're in an abusive relationship and the person tramples all over your rights, ghosting is okay. If you've tried talking to the person you're dating and they have ignored your concerns, ghosting is okay. But in this situation, ghosting just leaves things hanging in the air. And that may come back to haunt you later. 2
Wiseman2 Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 7 hours ago, matty145 said: Been seeing this girl on and off for about two months now. Why is it on/off? That's the red flag here. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 I would just tell her it's not working for you and cleanly part ways. I wouldn't suggest just going totally silent and saying nothing. That will likely only leave you sitting around and checking your phone and and wondering if you are going to evenutally hear from her. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 I'd calm down. If she said yes to exclusive, she's not seeing somebody else. Just because she said to no BF/GF might be a label thing; I never liked those labels especially early on & 2 months is early on. Point blank ask her to initiate more. I get the sense that she's playing that stupid game where she thinks men must chase & all she has to do is sit there. This is evident because she always says yes when you ask. Give that a month . . . of her making more of an effort. If you get that, see how you feel. If you are still unhappy, then end it. 2
Author matty145 Posted July 5, 2021 Author Posted July 5, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: I'd calm down. If she said yes to exclusive, she's not seeing somebody else. Just because she said to no BF/GF might be a label thing; I never liked those labels especially early on & 2 months is early on. Point blank ask her to initiate more. I get the sense that she's playing that stupid game where she thinks men must chase & all she has to do is sit there. This is evident because she always says yes when you ask. Give that a month . . . of her making more of an effort. If you get that, see how you feel. If you are still unhappy, then end it. So I confronted her on the issue and she said she is just not a big texter and is used to the guy being the one to arrange dates and such. How should I go about phrasing asking her to initiate more?
AnnieB Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 10 minutes ago, matty145 said: So I confronted her on the issue and she said she is just not a big texter and is used to the guy being the one to arrange dates and such. How should I go about phrasing asking her to initiate more? I’m a little confused about why you can’t keep initiating the dates. There isn’t a clear reason in your writing. 1
Author matty145 Posted July 5, 2021 Author Posted July 5, 2021 2 minutes ago, AnnieB said: I’m a little confused about why you can’t keep initiating the dates. There isn’t a clear reason in your writing. Uhh, is that normal? For the guy to have to ask to hangout or do something every time?
AnnieB Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 Just now, matty145 said: Uhh, is that normal? For the guy to have to ask to hangout or do something every time? Yes, I would say it’s pretty normal in America, especially in the early dating stages.
Wiseman2 Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 15 minutes ago, matty145 said: So I confronted her .How should I go about phrasing asking her to initiate more? You already confronted her. Asked and answered.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: You already confronted her. Asked and answered. This. What other answer do you need? She made it clear she expects you to do the initiating, OP. If you are unhappy with that, then fair enough, but this isn't the girl for you. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 20 minutes ago, matty145 said: So I confronted her on the issue and she said she is just not a big texter and is used to the guy being the one to arrange dates and such. How should I go about phrasing asking her to initiate more? I hate that word in the context of a relationship. You "confront" people maybe when you have evidence that they have been cheating & you want the last word before you walk out the door for good. Otherwise you discuss. I really hope you did not confront her & come at her with guns blazing. What you do now is ask her what her favorite / preferred form of staying in touch is. Would she like a phone call? Does she want more frequent dates? Does she like smoke-signals? I'm being silly but everybody is different. Find out her preference, then share yours. After you share, ask her nicely to step up her text game but be specific. Tell her that it would make you so happy & would help you to feel that she cares if she could manage 1 text per day even if to say good morning!; how's it going? or to tell you she's thinking about you. If she's not a texter dial back your expectation that you two will have elaborate conversations over text between dates. Also tell her that it's 2021 & you would feel better like this was more equal if she stepped up to plan a date once in a while. Explain to her that you view relationships as a partnership & it a partnership she needs to have opinions, express them & sometimes take the laboring oar. Tell her you want her to do this so that you can make sure when you are the organizer that you're picking activities & places she enjoys. You need to couch all of this in ways that you show her that you are empowering her. You don't want to give her the wrong impression that you are lazy dater or uninterested in her. Hey I get it. Men need to feel loved / nurtured too. Express it as a way of getting to know her better. If she plans the date she can introduce you to her world -- her hangouts, her preferences -- more as a way of slowly including you in her life. Hope that helps. 1
Amanda92 Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I'd calm down. If she said yes to exclusive, she's not seeing somebody else. Just because she said to no BF/GF might be a label thing; I never liked those labels especially early on & 2 months is early on. Point blank ask her to initiate more. I get the sense that she's playing that stupid game where she thinks men must chase & all she has to do is sit there. This is evident because she always says yes when you ask. Give that a month . . . of her making more of an effort. If you get that, see how you feel. If you are still unhappy, then end it. But she said she want to date others, right?
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 1 hour ago, matty145 said: So I confronted her on the issue and she said she is just not a big texter and is used to the guy being the one to arrange dates and such. How should I go about phrasing asking her to initiate more? Why can't you outright tell her? What are you risking? Say, "I have initiated every date and I initiate every call. My view of a relationship is that nobody keeps a scorecard or anything, but the people are pretty much on the same page. I'm wondering why it is you don't initiate as well." 1
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