I'm worried that I might be a narcissist

[MsJayne]

13 hours ago, CaraGrace said:

What you wrote match with the friend whom I cut off... I think my mental health has been affected by her in the past 3 to 4 years when she has become more obvious in her behaviours and words towards me... Seeing how I've been manipulated and frustrated by her makes me become more self aware of whether I'm sharing some the narcissistic traits, be it overt or covert.. I cannot afford seeing a psychologist... And I think if I learn to better control my negative emotions to a level that I don't need to talk about it/vent to anyone, then no one would be affected by me as I don't need to seek support/attention from anyone.. but is it possible? And is it a bad thing that sometimes we need someone to talk to? Or we can only talk to a therapist...?

Yes, it is possible to be your own counsel,  maybe writing a journal, just a day to day no matter how mundane, because when you go back over it you can begin to recognise patterns of behaviour, or thought patterns, which bring negativity into your life, and the other valuable thing is that writing things down is a great way of getting them out of your head. As far as the ex-friend goes, don't underestimate the effect someone like this can have on your life if you're close to them. Only a professional can diagnose something as serious as NPD, but I always say if being around a certain person leaves you feeling frustrated and dismissed, like you're the lesser person and they're condescending and patronising toward you, and especially if you try to discuss their behaviour and they tell you that you're the problem and you need help, (that's a form of gas-lighting, or being manipulated into doubting your own perceptions), get away from them as quickly and as quietly as you can.  Unfortunately narcissistic people are like moths to a flame with people who have low self-esteem, and that's because low self-esteem tends to make a person so busy being self-conscious and socially uncomfortable that they're happy just to have someone accept and like them, they don't notice just how unpleasant some other people are until they're enmeshed.  Someone above suggested that any "problems" you may be discussing with people, (your husband, etc) are just "petty drama" - perfect example of being dismissed and invalidated, and the correct response to that is, "Stop trying to invalidate me."  I remember the first time I said that to one of people in my life who did it to me all the time, they literally stuttered their apology. I then pointed out to them that when they had a problem it was always big and serious, but they always minimised mine and implied that I brought things on myself. A little assertiveness goes a very long way, and there's plenty of people out there who need to be told where to get off. Verbally smacking fools down is also a great way to improve your self-esteem.  

[stillafool]

A jounal is a great idea you can whine and complain as much as you like.  I love journaling.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Verbally smacking fools down is also a great way to improve your self-esteem.  

I disagree that being a bully improves self esteem. It's better to get help and treatment for what can be helped and treated.

[CaraGrace]

On 7/6/2021 at 7:05 AM, MsJayne said:

Yes, it is possible to be your own counsel,  maybe writing a journal, just a day to day no matter how mundane, because when you go back over it you can begin to recognise patterns of behaviour, or thought patterns, which bring negativity into your life, and the other valuable thing is that writing things down is a great way of getting them out of your head.

I'm trying to do so... just whenever these negative thoughts/memories pop up again, I try to write them down.. I hope by doing so, I will let them all go someday...

On 7/6/2021 at 7:05 AM, MsJayne said:

Unfortunately narcissistic people are like moths to a flame with people who have low self-esteem, and that's because low self-esteem tends to make a person so busy being self-conscious and socially uncomfortable that they're happy just to have someone accept and like them, they don't notice just how unpleasant some other people are until they're enmeshed.  Someone above suggested that any "problems" you may be discussing with people, (your husband, etc) are just "petty drama" - perfect example of being dismissed and invalidated, and the correct response to that is, "Stop trying to invalidate me."  I remember the first time I said that to one of people in my life who did it to me all the time, they literally stuttered their apology. I then pointed out to them that when they had a problem it was always big and serious, but they always minimised mine and implied that I brought things on myself. A little assertiveness goes a very long way, and there's plenty of people out there who need to be told where to get off. Verbally smacking fools down is also a great way to improve your self-esteem.

I do think that "verbally smacking fools down" is a way to tell these people where our boundaries are and to protect ourselves. It's calling someone out on his/her bs when they intentionally step on your boundaries. While it doesn't seem a nice thing to do, don't forget that these people never hold back when they speak to you either, and they insult you intentionally even though they try very hard to pretend they're not/they're only joking etc., and deny it/play victim when exposed. I have another friend who has been emotionally abused by her mother-in-law, and when she confronted her, her in-law's face turned red and stuttered an apology - which clearly showed that she knew exactly what she's been doing, but as long as she's not confronted/exposed, she thought she had the upper down and kept taking pleasure from emotionally abusing my friend. However, it isn't quite the same in the case between me and my narcissistic friend - I never get an apology (though I never ask for that, I only wanted her to know how she made me feel bad, probably intentionally, but she denied and invalidated all my feelings). She even re-wrote history by telling different (made-up) versions of certain events in order to prove that it's impossible she has said/done the things I accused her of. I almost questioned my own memories and sanity until another common friend of us shared the same memories as mine and proved that her versions are all fabricated. So I guess she's the type whose impossible to reason with and the only solution is to walk away.

Edited July 8, 2021 by CaraGrace

[Wiseman2]

I never understood the importance of apologies.

I would rather see corrective action than hear sorry.

There's also a difference between standing one's ground with self respect and just running through life like a bull in a china shop needing to call everyone out, confront everyone or create a me vs the world mentality.

When people are happy, they don't have to run around finding arguments or telling everyone off.

[S2B]

On 7/5/2021 at 1:26 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Find appropriate stress management. 

Hobbies, interests, sports, yoga, meditation, walking, volunteering, talking, classes and courses etc. .

Does your insurance cover medical treatment? Why not see a doctor for an evaluation to rule out any medically treatable reasons you have poor coping skills.

Perhaps part of the problem is anger.  

Also why aren’t you journaling your thoughts instead of treating your husband as your negative emotional dumping ground?

he’s told you to stop - and if you respect him you’ll stop.  It will kill the marriage if you don’t stop.

it is one thing you CAN control - yet you e continued to kill the marriage.

write it down. Paint a picture. Anything to get out the emotions but to NOT use others as a negativity receptacle. 

if a friend only brings me all their issues and no solutions and/or actions that they can change to improve the situation - they aren’t my friend for long. 

learn about boundaries you’re and others and how respect plays into those areas.

it’s up to YOU to do the work to change this and I hope you will.

[FMW]

When I get stressed out I tend to start having negative thoughts about people and things, and feel that I'm giving more than I'm getting.  I realize that when I start feeling negativity about several people at one time - I'm the one that each situation has in common and most likely it's my perception at the time that's the problem.

Either you really do have an unusually high number of problematic people in your life, or probably more likely, your stress and unhappiness is skewing your perception.

Either way, you really do need to prioritize getting the stress under control.  Several suggestions have been given so far.

In the meantime, don't dump on or alienate the people in your life.  At some point they will be the ones to call you out and cut you off.  Avoid situations and people that make you feel worse, but don't lash out.  Healthy boundaries don't  require offensive (vs defensive) action.  Focus on getting your own thoughts and feelings under control.