Always single anyways. might as well let myself go?

[Hopeful30]

Been single for years, men rarely approach, and frequently those that catch my attention are unavailable. Given recent world events, meeting people has become even more difficult. I've been in great shape most of my life, and don't have an addiction to food or sugar. I like being active and outdoors.

Recently, though, I've become so sick and tired of always being single that I've turned to food for comfort. Yes, I can control myself. No, I don't enjoy junk food that much and prefer healthier foods....but what's the point of trying if it doesnt make a difference?

I've gained maybe 10lbs at most, and at 5'11 it's hardly noticeable, but whenever I consider putting more effort into fitness I keep remembering that I was fit and sexy body for 10+ years and didn't yield anything different than where I'm at now...so I might as well let myself go?

[Gaeta]

I let myself go a bit and went 2 size up. I was a bit insecure going back to dating but turns out l have more attention than ever!!

Only you will care about that 10lbs.

[Miss Spider]

10lbs isn’t really “letting yourself go”. That might suit you better. But as for letting yourself go, what about your health? There’s more to life than living for a man. Maybe your looks are not the prob. 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I agree with Gaeta that the 10 lbs don’t matter. I am single and not looking as all as don’t want to date but I love working out for myself and feeling so strong and healthy just for me. This pandemic was me and the pup, and I have become so addicted to my home workout routine with a few apps and the spin bike I got. I don’t plan to go back to the gym even though I loved it for decades. Anyway hang in there and maybe you can explore some new physical activities to do, not to lose weight but just because you love how you feel when you do them.

[Hopeful30]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

10lbs isn’t really “letting yourself go”… You could look more appealing with that meat on your bones. But as for letting yourself go, what about your health? There’s more to life than living for a man. Maybe your looks are not the prob. 

This is something I have been struggling with lately. What's wrong with me? I'm a good and decent human being who is attractive overall. Why am I still single after all these years?

I've gone on dates and online dating with no luck, and am beginning to have feelings of low self worth. I want a relationship and I'm good at them. Why am I alone? (((

[FMW]

10 lbs at 5'11" isn't going to be noticed by anyone else.  

As you know,  you'll  feel better if you eat healthy food, and feeling better will put you in a more peaceful frame of mind so that you enjoy your life.  That will help you naturally attract people.  Don't focus on just physical fitness and the number on the scale - emotional fitness is a big part of attraction lasting beyond the initial "ooh they are hot" phase.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I suspect there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Dating is hard. My best friend and husband cheated and blew up the marriage….he says he regrets it now but I had to steel my mind and not let my self worth plummet. While I can’t say I’ve never struggled with it, I feel good about who and what I am and how I live my life. 
 

Hopefully things are opening up where you live, so maybe take a class, go to a museUm - just try to break out of your usual routine to mix things up and interact with more people IRL. You are not alone in being alone, even if it feels that way.

[Miss Spider]

10 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

This is something I have been struggling with lately. What's wrong with me? I'm a good and decent human being who is attractive overall. Why am I still single after all these years?

I've gone on dates and online dating with no luck, and am beginning to have feelings of low self worth. I want a relationship and I'm good at them. Why am I alone? (((

:[ Maybe it’s nothing but a string of bad luck or maybe you can get some constructive criticism from a friend or dating coach?  Do you feel like your standards are extremely high? E.g A lot of women need to date men who are taller than them … is that you too? Because right there you would be cutting out 85% of guys in America 

[Hopeful30]

38 minutes ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

I suspect there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Dating is hard. My best friend and husband cheated and blew up the marriage….he says he regrets it now but I had to steel my mind and not let my self worth plummet. While I can’t say I’ve never struggled with it, I feel good about who and what I am and how I live my life. 
 

Hopefully things are opening up where you live, so maybe take a class, go to a museUm - just try to break out of your usual routine to mix things up and interact with more people IRL. You are not alone in being alone, even if it feels that way.

Thank you for this. Sometimes I forget that I'm not alone in this situation. I guess I focus too much on want I want (relationship).

29 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

:[ Maybe it’s nothing but a string of bad luck or maybe you can get some constructive criticism from a friend or dating coach?  Do you feel like your standards are extremely high? E.g A lot of women need to date men who are taller than them … is that you too? Because right there you would be cutting out 85% of guys in America 

As a woman who is just under 6 feet tall, I do gravitate towards taller men. I have dated shorter men and it was awkward when I dress up and wear heels. Holding hands is also awkward, I need to sort of bend down on the side and he needs to reach up. It makes me feel big and unattractive. On the flip side, men don't exactly feel manly with a woman who is so much bigger than them, so they naturally dont approach me anyways.

I've dated both taller and shorter, and felt better and safer with taller men. It's doesnt exactly feel ladylike when I'm stronger than my man and were walking down a dark alleyway. Hes supposed to be my protector, not my responsibility. This ties into biology. What am I going to do when I'm pregnant with his child and he cant even help me stand from the couch because hes too short to pull me up? Lol taller is better, but not a requirement.

[Shining One]

2 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

It's doesnt exactly feel ladylike when I'm stronger than my man and were walking down a dark alleyway.

Strength and height are two different things. I once dated a woman who was 3 inches taller than me (6'2" to my 5'11"). Despite her superior height, she was nowhere near my strength level.

[czanclus]

Sorry about your (shortage of prospects) situation, but by no means is your struggle unique. Pretty much anyone with standards and absent tremendous luck finds herself on the sidelines. I remember feeling similar about 8 years ago, when I incidentally also joined loveshack, at the peak of my fitness and attractiveness level in my entire life, perky and unencumbering, thought I was a total catch, especially for single dads a few years older than I. Was my best good enough for either of the two prospects that mattered? Nope with a capital NOPE. It's possible that I was too reserved to overtly flirt and basically just serve myself on a plate, but also - if that's what it takes to get chosen - I should like the whole interplay to miss me in a very wide arc.

Here I am today, in 2021, no longer giving more than zero ****s about how men perceive my looks, but nonetheless still within 3-5 lbs of that peak fitness weight. I do make efforts to exercise for the feel-good effects and to eat mostly healthy. If you are uncomfortable with your lower weight and the accompanying diet/exercise regime it takes to maintain it, in hopes of getting selected by men in a society plagued by the obesity epidemic, put an end to madness at once. I hate to be the cynic in the room - but, very likely, it just won't be good enough. Look for happiness far outside validation of men, and enjoy the little pleasures of indulging in foods that you like while focusing on optimal health.

To a long and happy life.

[Shining One]

If I recall correctly, you have some "oddly specific" requirements other than height. Naturally, we all like what we like, but a combination of rather restrictive physical attribute requirements leaves one with a very small dating pool.

[Hopeful30]

2 minutes ago, Shining One said:

If I recall correctly, you have some "oddly specific" requirements other than height. Naturally, we all like what we like, but a combination of rather restrictive physical attribute requirements leaves one with a very small dating pool.

Nothing oddly specific that comes to mind. Just a match who is similar in physical, personality, and lifestyle. Seems simple enough I think lol 

[FMW]

I met the man I've been involved with for 18+ months through one specific interest I have.  I've met a lot of friends through that interest, and a few temporary light romantic interests.  Then I met him.  On paper he doesn't check all the boxes on a list of everything I wanted if I were to order the perfect guy, but he's a spectacular person and our connection was strong and evident from the beginning.  I'm really happy I ( and he!) gave us a chance.  He's an amazing guy.

I'm not suggestioning lowering your standards, but maybe keep an open mind about what qualities you think will make you happy.

[Hopeful30]

10 minutes ago, FMW said:

I met the man I've been involved with for 18+ months through one specific interest I have.  I've met a lot of friends through that interest, and a few temporary light romantic interests.  Then I met him.  On paper he doesn't check all the boxes on a list of everything I wanted if I were to order the perfect guy, but he's a spectacular person and our connection was strong and evident from the beginning.  I'm really happy I ( and he!) gave us a chance.  He's an amazing guy.

I'm not suggestioning lowering your standards, but maybe keep an open mind about what qualities you think will make you happy.

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't think of anything specific interests that I can maximize. They're pretty basic like outdoor activity, spirituality, animals, and I regularly do these activities when there's an opportunity. I'm pretty open minded from how I see myself. I typically choose men based on our chemistry / compatibility which are main ingredients for a healthy relationship I think. 

[HiCrunchy]

Honestly I feel that way sometimes. I'm always single too but at least feel better when my body looks the way I like it. Maybe think about keeping in shape for yourself rather than a potential partner. That's what I'm trying to do.

 

[Hopeful30]

1 minute ago, HiCrunchy said:

Honestly I feel that way sometimes. I'm always single too but at least feel better when my body looks the way I like it. Maybe think about keeping in shape for yourself rather than a potential partner. That's what I'm trying to do.

 

I love my body regardless of how it looks I guess I'm just feeling down that there's no man to love and appreciate it, too. And I want a male body to love and appreciate, alongside all the other wonderful qualities men innately possess. 

[HotRevolver93]

I still keep basic hygiene in tact but I would be lying to you if I said I went as hard with my appearance now as I did when I was actively trying to get girls 

[Hopeful30]

3 minutes ago, HotRevolver93 said:

I still keep basic hygiene in tact but I would be lying to you if I said I went as hard with my appearance now as I did when I was actively trying to get girls 

Yes this is how I feel. If the results are the same, why put extra effort? Lol

[Andy_K]

You put in the extra effort because you want to, or because it's who you are! If you're doing it for positive feedback, it's the wrong reason.

My consistent failures in the dating world don't affect my desire to stay in shape 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Andy_K

[poppyfields]

50 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

Yes this is how I feel. If the results are the same, why put extra effort? Lol

You make the effort for YOU, in an effort to seek internal validation.

Taking pride in your appearance and bettering yourself should never be done for external validation or to seek approval from others. 

The only person you need approval from is YOURSELF.

Once you achieve internal validation, are happy within yourself and being alone on your own, the law of the universe (or one of the universal laws), will almost guarantee abundance.

People will gravitate towards you, you will attract others to you almost effortlessly, you won't have to do a damn thing.  

@Hopeful30, your attitude, the way you feel about yourself, your need for external validation and approval from others to feel good about yourself is precisely why others are NOT attracted to you.

One's energy either attracts or repels.  In your case, sadly it appears it's the latter. 

Work on changing your attitude, your vibe, your energy.  Strive for internal validation, taking pride in yourself including your appearance.

You won't do that by maintaining such a defeatist attitude and "letting yourself go" because who the hell cares anyway.

YOU should care, for you, no one else

If you don't you may as well be dead.

 

 

Edited July 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Hopeful30]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You make the effort for YOU, in an effort to seek internal validation.

Taking pride in your appearance and bettering yourself should never be done for external validation or to seek approval from others. 

The only person you need approval from is YOURSELF.

Once you achieve internal validation, are happy within yourself and being alone on your own, the law of the universe (or one of the universal laws), will almost guarantee abundance.

People will gravitate towards you, you will attract others to you almost effortlessly, you won't have to do a damn thing.  

@Hopeful30, your attitude, the way you feel about yourself, your need for external validation and approval from others to feel good about yourself is precisely why others are NOT attracted to you.

One's energy either attracts or repels.  In your case, sadly it appears it's the latter. 

Work on changing your attitude, your vibe, your energy.  Strive for internal validation, taking pride in yourself including your appearance.

You won't do that by maintaining such a defeatist attitude and "letting yourself go" because who the hell cares anyway.

YOU should care, if you don't you may as well be dead.

 

 

I appreciate the advice poppy, however if you read through the entire thread, you would see that I am happy and comfortable in my skin.  I am complaining because I am single despite being in good physical shape, and wondering why put extra effort to keeping physically fit when it didn't make a difference in terms of romance and attraction. In other words, fit or not, dating seems unaffected. 

You are right, must be something else. I'm still not sure what, as I've been open and proactive. Worst is worst people ask "but you're a great catch, why are you single?" UGH. Wish I knew. Other than my relationship status, I am otherwise content in my life. I like where I'm at, just disappointed there is no one to share this with. 

Edited July 4, 2021 by Hopeful30

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Recently, though, I've become so sick and tired of always being single that I've turned to food for comfort. 

Thanks for responding and not biting my head off,  reading my post again, it came off a bit harsh and preachy, sorry about that! 

Anyway, what's quoted above is what I was referring to.

If I may ask, if you are so happy and comfortable with yourself, which should include happy being single, why are turning to food for comfort?  

It's a rhetorical question, no need to answer to us, it's a question you should ask yourself though.

Whether it's food, alcohol, drugs, or whatever, anything taken in excess as a way to provide comfort and or to cope would suggest you come from a place of lack.  Within yourself. 

Just my opinion from experience and the knowledge I've acquired over the past few years.... and something for you to think about and consider moving forward. 

Be happy @Hopeful30.

Peace and love...  xo

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

Contrary to what many think, looks has very little to do with dating success. People across the physical attractiveness spectrum date and marry successfully. In fact the vast majority of people that want to be in a relationship are in one.

[Woggle]

There is nothing wrong with you and plenty of great people are single while plenty of terrible people get into relationships. Instead of waiting for a man to approach you why not go for what you want instead. Decent men these days are trained to leave women alone in public so if you see a guy you like you will probably have to initiate yourself.