lizzybp Posted July 3, 2021 Posted July 3, 2021 I am a 24 year old woman living in a big city (London, UK). I’ve had some experiences with dating, almost all of them from when I was 20. They all ended up with me feeling some degree of hurt or heartache. I am a hopeless romantic. I get intense crushes on people who show me even the slightest bit of attention. Since my teenage years I yearned for “the one”, someone who loves me and is mad about me and wants a future with me. I have low self-esteem, always, since I was young. I am not conventionally attractive, being an awkwardly skinny non-white woman in a society where people prefer curvy blondes. I am intelligent but introverted. I have had one boyfriend, but I don’t even count that as a real relationship. We were 2 incompatible people desperate for a partner. Anyways, I finally decided to give it a go again. I met this guy through a friend of a friend, and we went on a blind date. I was a bit unimpressed with him at first. He was nice and genuine but slightly eccentric and disheveled. He was cute but not conventionally attractive, and a bit nerdy. Still, he was sweet and passionate and I found myself really liking him. I thought, “This is the kind of guy I need in my life.” He seemed very interested in wanting a second date. Stupid me went into this thing with high expectations and got burned, again. We went on another date and I thought we had fun. He told me he wanted to see me next week. Even talked about going on a hike with me to this trail he fancied. Then, about a day after, he called and told me out of the blue that he didn’t feel like we should pursue things further. He was nice and apologetic on the phone and said all the right things. I totally respect him for it and appreciate his honesty instead of ghosting me. Shows what a stand up person he is. It’s so nice of him to come clean and not string me along, but all I can think now is… what went wrong? He was so into me after the first date, but after the second one, what happened? Was I not attractive to him? Did I say something weird (probably this—I said some cringey things out of nervousness) or did my attitude turn him off? Did he meet someone else, someone better than me? It’s such a blow to my already low self-esteem. I feel like a fool, getting my hopes up again. I just think back to when we were first talking and after our first date when things looked so promising. I thought maybe I would finally have that one thing that I’ve always wanted. And quite honestly, it hurts that I wasn’t good enough for even the nice, nerdy, “guy next door” types. It wasn’t like I was chasing after a hot doctor with a six pack. Anyone else sympathize? I am just resigned to being alone forever lol.
salparadise Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 The low self-esteem combined with high expectations is the problem. Sure, rejection stings. It does for everyone. But you need to just acknowledge the feeling and move on. It doesn't define you. Most dates don't turn into relationships, and it's not that you weren't good enough –– you just weren't a match. Also let go of this curvy blonde vs. skinny non-white notion. This is an irrational thought that you're using to reinforce low self-esteem. 99 percent of everyone doesn't fit that stereotype. Go out and have fun and keep the expectations in check until something actually develops. Learn to brush off rejection with barely a thought because it's really not personal. Sometimes people click and sometimes they don't. Thin is always in, and ethnic folks are too. You might want to see a therapist about the self-esteem problem if you aren't able to work on it yourself. Be proud of who you are and celebrate your uniqueness. 2
Shining One Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 2 hours ago, lizzybp said: Is it normal to feel extremely depressed after 1 rejection? Yes, when one is inexperienced. Once you've experienced it enough and you realize there's still plenty of potential matches out there despite numerous rejections, it bothers you a lot less. The first one hurts a lot. It took me a while to get over mine.
ShyViolet Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 You allowed yourself to get WAY too invested in a person who you don't know and who you went on two dates with. Don't ever go into a first/second date with high expectations and attachment like this. That is not how dating works. When you meet someone for the first time, and go on a couple of dates, you are just seeing if the two of you have enough chemistry and enough in common to pursue anything further. Most dating prospects don't work out and don't lead to a relationship. Most people have to go on A LOT of dates before they find someone they click with. You sound very inexperienced and so you are making a WAYY bigger deal out of a person you went on two dates with than is necessary or appropriate. Over-analyzing "what went wrong" is not going to bring you any answers or be productive in any way. You'll never know "what went wrong". Probably nothing went "wrong", he probably just wasn't that into you. It's as simple as that, The reason why he didn't want to see you again honestly doesn't matter. So let it go. You're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. And that's ok.. Stop over-analyzing it. You seriously need to put yourself out there and start dating more. Get used to it. Each and every person you meet up with shouldn't be this big of a deal. You have to kiss a lot of frogs, as they say.
Miss Spider Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 (edited) See.. I don’t get that bc what if you just found a guy that for whatever reason you’re just not his type? Some guys like skinny, some guys like curvy, some blondes, some brunettes , so on. So you dated this ONE guy who cut it off and it could be many different reasons, so why assume it’s because somethings wrong with you?? Whys it gotta be like that. You’re not attracted to every guy you meet and it’s not necessarily because somethings “wrong” with him right? Edited July 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Wiseman2 Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 At some level it seems you already know it's not about curvy blondes or hopelessness romantics. It's about getting to a physician for an evaluation of the moods, anxiety, ruminating and chronic dispair. Treating your mental health as well as getting ongoing support from a qualified therapist would help you a lot more than self-pity and self-defeating thoughts and behaviors.
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 I absolutely sympathize but you have enough insight to realize you are doing this to yourself. Low self esteem coupled with over the top expectations causes this. You need to work on improving your self esteem & you need to learn detachment. It's fine to get excited . Dating can be fun but you have to be more reserved. Your happiness has to come from within, whether or not you have a date. Read some self help books. Get some therapy. Do things that make you happy because you enjoy them. When you fix the broken stuff in you, it will make you stronger & better able to date without these extreme highs & lows. Sure there will be times when you are still disappointed but it won't be as debilitating. 2
Author lizzybp Posted July 4, 2021 Author Posted July 4, 2021 40 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I absolutely sympathize but you have enough insight to realize you are doing this to yourself. Low self esteem coupled with over the top expectations causes this. You need to work on improving your self esteem & you need to learn detachment. It's fine to get excited . Dating can be fun but you have to be more reserved. Your happiness has to come from within, whether or not you have a date. Read some self help books. Get some therapy. Do things that make you happy because you enjoy them. When you fix the broken stuff in you, it will make you stronger & better able to date without these extreme highs & lows. Sure there will be times when you are still disappointed but it won't be as debilitating. Yeah, I have a date planned with this other guy who doesn’t really seem like my type, but I kinda just want to “get out there” again and take my mind off the other lad. This guy doesn’t seem as interesting (which is probably best because less stress for me) and I am keeping my expectations very low. Gotta detach myself and tell myself there’s a chance it won’t amount to anything.
smackie9 Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 8 minutes ago, lizzybp said: . Gotta detach myself and tell myself there’s a chance it won’t amount to anything. Detach/not invest yes, but telling yourself there's a chance it won't amount to anything is wrong. The more negative you get, the less likely anyone is going to keep asking you for dates. People love being around happy upbeat personalities. You don't have to be hot and blonde, you just have to be positive and more outgoing.
Happy Lemming Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: You don't have to be hot and blonde... I agree and would like to expand upon this... Many years ago I dated a Latina woman, she wasn't a blonde hottie, but she knew how to be sexy. She would dress very feminine (not slutty). She would always go that extra mile to make herself look like a woman, and I very much appreciated her efforts. Edited July 4, 2021 by Happy Lemming spelling
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 1 hour ago, lizzybp said: Yeah, I have a date planned with this other guy who doesn’t really seem like my type, but I kinda just want to “get out there” again and take my mind off the other lad. This guy doesn’t seem as interesting (which is probably best because less stress for me) and I am keeping my expectations very low. Gotta detach myself and tell myself there’s a chance it won’t amount to anything. You missed my point. You are defining yourself by somebody else. You can't use another person to validate yourself. Granted you are doing it to a lesser degree with this next guy but you are still doing it. None of this will work until you like yourself & develop better healthier self esteem. You don't have to keep your expectations low per se but proportional to what's at stake. It's one date. The ONLY goal is to find out if you are compatible enough for a 2nd date. You are not mapping out your whole life here. 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 5 hours ago, lizzybp said: Yeah, I have a date planned with this other guy who doesn’t really seem like my type, but I kinda just want to “get out there” again and take my mind off the other lad. Excellent. The way to move forward is one foot in front of the other including starting to date again.
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