Was this guy just plain crazy and needy?

[Emilyinroses]

I am ready to quit online dating guys. After a row of not good experiences.

Met this last guy online, started texting, then he called me and invited me for a first date coffee. Right out the bat he was the kind of person who over shares way too much about his life, and there were a few red flags about him during the 4 dates we went and in between.

He would message me a lot and called me and would share everything about his life, good and bad.

He invited me to his place for a meal for our 3rd date but I preferred to meet in a public space because I wasn’t ready to go to his house.

On out 4th date he criticised my parenting saying I spoil my son too much and that’s why at 10 years old he still doesn’t stay at home alone (this is a guy who has no kids).

So after our last date, he went to visit his parents for lunch (his dad was sick), and after the lunch he called me furious because their parents told him to go to his brothers birthday party and he didn’t want to go because his brother told him something he didn’t like before. 

I had a feeling he was controlling and this to me was too much, lashing out at his parents, especially when his dad is sick just because they said something he didn’t like. I can easily see him doing the same to me in the future. And also next day he decided to go to the party. A normal person would just say ‘ok I’ll think about it’ to his parents, no need to lash out.

So with all this I decided to sent him a voice mail message saying I don’t want to continue seeing him. He tried to call me but I didn’t want to talk to him because last time we disagreed on something he phoned me and called me silly and rambled for an hour explaining how am I wrong.

He then also sent me a message crying and asking why am I doing this to him and etc. 

I told him why, that lashing out at parents is way beyond my boundaries and also criticising my parenting skills.

He then sent me another message saying I am wrong about him, how he was seeing a future together, thinking about having children with me, introducing me to his parents, that to him the search for a partner was over when he met me, that he fell in love with me, etc.

Sent me tons of messages and only stopped when I told him I don’t want to hear from him again.

This happened 2 days ago and I am still shacking from it. 

I was only dating him casually, taking one date at a time, and he was already planning all that with me? Also his reaction seemed like we have been in a relationship for weeks or months, not only 4 dates!

And also trying to make me feel bad about my decision like I can’t decide something he doesn’t agree, like I own him anything.

I think I need a break from dating after this experience. Can you please give me some insight about this guy, from your perspective? Thank you!

Edited July 3, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Happy Lemming]

11 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I am ready to quit online dating guys.

On out 4th date he criticised my parenting...
 

Have you ever looked into "Parents without Partners"??

https://www.parentswithoutpartners.org/

I knew a woman (neighbor) who was a single mom and she met single dads there.  They were both on the same page; it seemed to work out better for her.

 

 

[Calmandfocused]

OMG!!!

First of all, well done you! Thank goodness you pulled out of this freak show so early. You did very well there. Pat yourself on the back! 

Everything you wrote about him and his behaviour was a form of manipulation- he is a master manipulator and you did well not to fall for it. 
 

You’re correct! His gave you a good snapshot of what was to come if you ever got into a relationship with him… Dare to disagree with him? Dare to express your own needs and boundaries? … Then god help you! 
 

Stay away from him and keep that door firmly shut. He is not good news! 

[Miss Spider]

Lol yup he’s crazy and a needy .. OLD is chock full of guys like him, be careful 

[Happy Lemming]

8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

...yup he’s crazy and a needy .. OLD is chock full of guys like him.

What do you think is the percentage of "sub-par" individuals on these on-line dating sites/apps??

Do you think its 50% -- 75% -- 95%??

[Miss Spider]

14 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

What do you think is the percentage of "sub-par" individuals on these on-line dating sites/apps??

Do you think its 50% -- 75% -- 95%??

My xp with online dating isn’t very extensive, but people seemed kind of desperate /weird on there ( in relation to people I’ve met in other ways) …like 95% 

Edited July 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[smackie9]

When $%^& is for free....you get what you paid for.

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

My xp with online dating isn’t very extensive, but people seemed kind of desperate /weird on there ( in relation to people I’ve met in other ways) …like 95% 

OK... so if I had a toaster that shocked me 95% of the time.  I'd buy a new toaster.

So why do people keep using on-line dating, if the percentage of "sub-par" individuals is 95%??

[Miss Spider]

23 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

OK... so if I had a toaster that shocked me 95% of the time.  I'd buy a new toaster.

So why do people keep using on-line dating, if the percentage of "sub-par" individuals is 95%??

Yea, I agree…  Why do people use a resource in which the majority of people that use it are desperate? Because they’re desperate lol 

Edited July 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Emilyinroses]

15 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

OK... so if I had a toaster that shocked me 95% of the time.  I'd buy a new toaster.

So why do people keep using on-line dating, if the percentage of "sub-par" individuals is 95%??

I have a friend that met her now husband on OLD. And know of other people who are in relationships who also met through online dating.

So yes I know it’s possible to meet someone normal and positive. That’s why I am still there. 

But I have met so many weirdos that I am starting to think maybe is not for me.

Edited July 3, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[lana-banana]

Yes, this guy is a loser and a creep. Good for you on recognizing it so quickly and doing all the right things. He is clearly not stable. I hope you have something nice planned for yourself to celebrate getting out of that mess. Ice cream, scotch, maybe just a bubble bath and a book?

"Online dating" itself is not a real thing because you're all meeting in person. The sites themselves are just platforms for meeting more people than you would meet in "real life" without the assistance of the internet. Because you are meeting more people, you are by default meeting a larger segment of the population---which includes folks that you wouldn't necessarily want to know. It's the difference between working in a small office and working at a massive conglomerate: as you meet more people, it becomes statistically more likely that you encounter weirdos. Of course you will meet more weirdos in a field of 60,000 than a field of 60. 

I know so many people who met their spouses through OLD. Again, online dating itself isn't some kind of separate phenomenon. It's just a means to make far more connections than you ever would in person. If you find it easy to meet folks in person then do that, but I wouldn't cut yourself off from OLD just because there are weirdos out there.

[ExpatInItaly]

He sounds very emotionally unstable, OP. 

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

last time we disagreed on something he phoned me and called me silly and rambled for an hour explaining how am I wrong.

Just curious, but why did you listen to that for an hour? I would have hung up and blocked him then and there. 

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He sounds very emotionally unstable, OP. 

Just curious, but why did you listen to that for an hour? I would have hung up and blocked him then and there. 

I didn’t know it was going to be an hour. Then after that I refused to do it again. Draining to say the least.

[Emilyinroses]

8 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

Yes, this guy is a loser and a creep. Good for you on recognizing it so quickly and doing all the right things. He is clearly not stable. I hope you have something nice planned for yourself to celebrate getting out of that mess. Ice cream, scotch, maybe just a bubble bath and a book?

"Online dating" itself is not a real thing because you're all meeting in person. The sites themselves are just platforms for meeting more people than you would meet in "real life" without the assistance of the internet. Because you are meeting more people, you are by default meeting a larger segment of the population---which includes folks that you wouldn't necessarily want to know. It's the difference between working in a small office and working at a massive conglomerate: as you meet more people, it becomes statistically more likely that you encounter weirdos. Of course you will meet more weirdos in a field of 60,000 than a field of 60. 

I know so many people who met their spouses through OLD. Again, online dating itself isn't some kind of separate phenomenon. It's just a means to make far more connections than you ever would in person. If you find it easy to meet folks in person then do that, but I wouldn't cut yourself off from OLD just because there are weirdos out there.

Oh yes I am going away on some nice beach holidays next week to celebrate and recharge! 

You are right, but the thing is I am quite sensitive and these things unsettle me and drain me. I can’t seem to develop a thick skin needed to navigate online dating. 

So I am going to take these holidays and then decide what to do in regards to OLD.

[Gaeta]

Why didn't you block him the first time he critisized you??

This early you don't give any chances to rudeness!! 

You are shaking because you allowed him to go nuts on you. I have blocked men for much less.

[Miss Spider]

It’s true that it a resource to meet people, but can’t ignore it’s a step further which does slightly alter who you meet.  People who use it are going a step further to meet strangers exclusively for sex and/or partnership they are not finding in their day to day socialization, so I think it makes slight sense to find higher quantity per cap of undesirable/desperate people 

 

I also know people that found their partners/spouses on it and it doesn’t change my opinion on it at all lol 

Also, just an aside, my bf’s who didn’t use it were much different than those who did.

 

[Emilyinroses]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why didn't you block him the first time he critisized you??

This early you don't give any chances to rudeness!! 

You are shaking because you allowed him to go nuts on you. I have blocked men for much less.

The criticism was on our 4th and last date. I told him goodbye afterwards.

[Miss Spider]

That’s exactly why ghosting is so common, no one wants to put up with that from someone they’ve been on 4 dates with  

[Emilyinroses]

21 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

That’s exactly why ghosting is so common, no one wants to put up with that from someone they’ve been on 4 dates with  

Yes I know, but I don’t do ghosting. 

But that’s also why I left him a voice mail message and refused to go on a phone call.

He even asked us to meet to talk! No way. 

Edited July 3, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Lotsgoingon]

You gotta change your dating method. You caused yourself all kinds of unnecessary pain and anguish. Don't worry: I was in your club, in your company for a long time. I stopped this kind of foolishness you engaged in. You can too. 

Here's how you want to date: Right out the bat he was the kind of person who over shares way too much about his life.

Game over right here. Over! Really, no exceptions unless he had breathtakingly offsetting strengths and left you feeling fantastic and fabulous by the end of the date. Otherwise, get your phrase down. Practice it if you need to--people with boundary problems do need to practice saying no.  It was nice to meet you (a little white lie), but I'm not interested in going out again ... It was nice to meet you. I don't sense any romantic connection between us. Do not justify. Do not explain. 

BTW: you had a second chance to catch yourself early because he repeated the overshare in texts afterwards. That's a self-involved clueless person. But if you want to skip the judgment, just rely on the reality that this person is not a good fit for you, not what you're looking for. Maybe he would be tolerable as a coworker you don't really need to get close to, but in a prospective romantic partner, his oversharing should have sent your alarms ringing. I bet they did ring. You just ignored the alarms.

Only go out again, if you REALLY liked him. At most, go out again, only if they have no obnoxious qualities. 

So you violated the rules of good dating and put yourself through needless heartache, and again, there is not one word in your post that indicates this guy had such overwhelming strengths that merited going on. You could have met three more interesting guys and saved all the heartache. 

So set some boundaries. Here's one: only go out again if you have a great time with the person. Some people on this board say give a person two dates maybe. I say go with one date if they annoy at all. 

Get yourself out of the proving mode and into the judging mode. You are judging whether this person is a good match with you. Period! If they annoy you at all, game over. 

 

 

Edited July 3, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

I told him I don’t want to hear from him again.

Good call. Block and delete.

Next time cut your losses sooner. After the parenting diatribe, was the time to say ciao.

 Burn out comes from poor screening and hanging on to hopeless situations. Look for red flags early on.

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good call. Block and delete.

Next time cut your losses sooner. After the parenting diatribe, was the time to say ciao.

 Burn out comes from poor screening and hanging on to hopeless situations. Look for red flags early on.

The parenting thing was on our last date. Then I said ciao after that. So overall I think I cut my losses soon enough.

Edited July 3, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm gonna connect some dots here.

The oversharing on first date (and in subsequent texts) is directly connected to his later criticism of your parenting. Oversharing  about himself = bad judgment, bad social skill, bad understanding of how to relate to people, how build relationships, even trust. 

Well, the later comments on your parenting are completely consistent with the immediate oversharing: bad judgment, bad reading of the situation, saying things he has no business saying, being clueless about how to connect with other human beings. 

Trusting your judgment early on is what prevents later problems. If he overshares about himself, well, he's likely to stick his mouth where it doesn't belong about you--and other people as well. You just didn't get to that--or maybe you did when he talked about his parents. 

[Gaeta]

The way l survive online dating is l accept it will be failure over failure till one day it will be a match. 

I have a first meeting tonight, even if he was a gentleman on text and phone l am expecting he'll probably turn into a weirdo on/after date 2.  My antannas are out, l let my instinct guide me more this time around.

[Emilyinroses]

37 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The way l survive online dating is l accept it will be failure over failure till one day it will be a match. 

I have a first meeting tonight, even if he was a gentleman on text and phone l am expecting he'll probably turn into a weirdo on/after date 2.  My antannas are out, l let my instinct guide me more this time around.

Good luck to your date! Let us know how it went, and yes intuition on!