connormo Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 I'll get straight to the facts: -met a girl through online dating almost a year ago now (near the height of the covid pandemic) -she lives a continent away so we haven't gotten to meet yet -we've been officially committed to eachother and ready to meet for 6 months, just waiting for my second vaccine (getting it today!) And the travel restrictions to go back to normal -ive tried the long distance thing and failed miserably but this feels different and I believe she truly is the best woman and most compatible match ive ever met even though there is a language and culture barrier. She says I'm the best guy she's ever met as well and always is so positive and excited to meet. BUUUUUT, as the title suggests, now she is bringing up the classic porn argument. Ive been single essentially my whole life (almost 28) and told her of course I used porn and yes my brain is used to that. She turns me on more than anyone ive ever met and ive made this clear (ive had performance issues with others but I dont with her). When I first told her I watch porn she said she didn't really care. A few months go by and she asks me to stop because knowing I'm watching is disrespecting her and she cried all night thinking about it. I say ive been watching alot less and it will be a gradual change (I never PROMISED) an immediate change, especially since we aren't "together" yet (im sure it will be much easier then). Then last night she asks if ive watched any since she last asked (a few weeks ago I think, I honestly don't keep track) and I answered truthfully yes and now she's saying she doesn't want to do our (sexual) video calls anymore, that if I asked her to stop she would stop immediately (she would because i dont think she watches anyway, but the point is I would never ask her), and that I need to quit immediately..... Wtf do I do. I felt I was open and honest with it that it will take time for me to get off of it. And I even said so If I do quit it and years from now you found I watched it even just once will you leave me and yea she said "I can't lie and say I'm gonna accept it cause thats not who I am and I can't force me or you". Again a language barrier adds difficulty but to me this is the ULTIMATUM, which i told her is not healthy. So yup, ive read numerous reddit posts about it and heard both M and F points of view but id like to hear some for my particular case. Idk if I could ever truly date someone so controlling who will be policing me and I even sent her articles "how to help your bf stop porn" that says DO NOT POLICE HIM. I am willing to try but am not a perfect human so yea I feel if she doesn't accept that flaw then maybe its better I don't even meet her... this sucks so much because again I feel we have so much potential and I know she feels it too but for me this is something so small but for her it seems like a deal breaker... aside from this ONE f***ING THING we seem like a perfect couple and this is so painful; the one time I actually give love a chance it is probably bound to end terribly once again... and I dont know whether to blame myself but I feel like she is overreacting so I need opinions. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 Yes, it's definitely an ultimatum. And all ultimatums are valid if one is facing something which crosses their boundary.. You see this as something small....but for her, it's big enough to end a relationship over. She's drawn her line in the sand, so you have to decide which side you sit on. Do you want her or porn? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 21 minutes ago, connormo said: ive had performance issues with others but I dont with her Beside the point, but how do you know this if you have never had sex with her, let alone even met her? I think you have to decide if this is going to be a deal-breaker. I personally would not be excited about someone I have never met giving me an ultimatum. You two have no idea if you'd even be compatible in real life. You two are trying to shove square pegs into round holes without ever having even been on a date. There's more wrong with this picture than your divergent views on porn. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxcazaxx Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 On 7/2/2021 at 1:26 PM, basil67 said: Do you want her or porn? This was exactly my thoughts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 On 7/2/2021 at 1:15 PM, connormo said: ... for me this is something so small but for her it seems like a deal breaker... Yes. That is it in a nutshell. You don't get to dictate what is a deal breaker to someone else. A deal breaker is a deal breaker it is not up for negotiation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Yes. That is it in a nutshell. You don't get to dictate what is a deal breaker to someone else. A deal breaker is a deal breaker it is not up for negotiation. Agree. But - he hasn’t even met the woman yet. What right does she have to tell him what he can and can not do in his spare time. This would be a huge deal breaker - for me. Sure, if we are able to be together and we have a sexual relationship and the man is obsessed with porn and it’s affecting his ability to perform/our sex life - that’s a problem. But, when we are a continent away, have never met or had sex, and don’t actually know if we are compatible in real life - I just feel like it’s a little presumptuous for a woman to tell a man what he can and can not do. I would have a problem with that OP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 She can tell him what he can and cannot do, if he wants her to keep in contact with him. It is her prerogative, she decides whether he is the man she wants to talk to or not. His attitude to porn, clashes with hers and has turned her off. He complies or he is history, is the deal. He takes it or leaves it, that is his choice It is irrelevant whether they have met or not. Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 On 7/17/2021 at 2:22 PM, BaileyB said: Agree. But - he hasn’t even met the woman yet. What right does she have to tell him what he can and can not do in his spare time. This would be a huge deal breaker - for me. Sure, if we are able to be together and we have a sexual relationship and the man is obsessed with porn and it’s affecting his ability to perform/our sex life - that’s a problem. But, when we are a continent away, have never met or had sex, and don’t actually know if we are compatible in real life - I just feel like it’s a little presumptuous for a woman to tell a man what he can and can not do. I would have a problem with that OP. I agree with this. I also believe that the way people put these rules on their partners individual sexuality is so toxic. What I do with my partner when we are together has nothing to do with what I do when I am alone with myself in my bedroom, and the same goes for what he does when he is alone. As long as it does not interfere with our sex life or any other aspects of our relationship, then he is pleased to entertain himself when he is alone as he wishes and the same goes for me. I understand how some women have an issue with porn, and it is a topic that needs to be assessed with a lot of nuance. Like, what kind of porn, is it ethical, is it putting unrealistic standards into a partner's head, etc. Personally, I like to watch ethical porn, I like to pay for it, it is by a couple that is really into each other, and it is nice to watch them. This makes me feel like I am contributing to the betterment of this business and I also just don't get off by people who are "acting" sex in the industry. It's appalling, I agree. BUT, as I said, this is a very, very nuanced issue. And a lot of women just don't like the idea of their partners watching porn because of self-esteem issues. If that is where the problem lies, it needs to be addressed from a completely different angle. So there's that. As I said, you can't look at it only as "the porn ultimatum". There is much more to it. Oh, and let me add, I definitely think she should not be deciding what you do in your alone time when, in fact, you haven't even met yet. Please, and this is coming from someone who, too has met their partner during quarantine and is in a long distance relationship with someone in another country: Don't go into this with too many expectations. Know that meeting is important. And that likely it will be a very nice experience. But please, just take it step by step. Don't expect from/promise each other the world just yet. The fact she is making these ultimatums already is a bit of a red flag to me. She seems already WAY too invested into someone she doesn't even know if she vibes with in real life. So just take a few steps back, look forward to meeting each other, but also stay realistic. And try to discuss the porn thing AFTER you meet. This should not be an issue just yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 On 7/2/2021 at 5:26 AM, basil67 said: Yes, it's definitely an ultimatum. And all ultimatums are valid if one is facing something which crosses their boundary.. You see this as something small....but for her, it's big enough to end a relationship over. She's drawn her line in the sand, so you have to decide which side you sit on. Do you want her or porn? I don't think that's the real question. I think it's, Do you want her enough to let her control your sex life, possibly forever? That control may continue - and not to your benefit - if you do marry her. IMO, this is a fundamental mismatch in values, especially as your are not married, not living together, and not having sex - you haven't even met!! If I were in your situation, I'd have dumped her already - not because I value porn or even watch it much, but because no one can dictate what I do with my body. And I'd find someone close by and develop a real relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 27, 2021 Share Posted August 27, 2021 I see your dilemma. It sounds like to her porn is an either/or situation. You could point out that lots of guys and women look at porn. If you were looking at porn a lot of the time when with her, then I could understand her getting annoyed about it. She probably thinks that if you are looking at it now, you are likely to bring it into any life you have with her in the future. Maybe you should mention the difference between enjoying porn occasionally and it becoming an obsession and dominating a relationship. It could be a cultural thing where she is. Ask her about that. In some countries, the men seem to have become obsessed with filming women who are just going about their business, voyeurism. It's a real problem. Maybe she thinks that is what you would get into? My own view is that you should not have to give up porn because of a distant girlfriend. However, if she was living with you, you would definitely need to restrict your porn use. I think she is being rather foolish in sharing sexual videos with you. Maybe she is having doubts about doing that and is wondering what you are doing with these films? You need to find out what her real fears are and see if you can address them. If you cannot and you do not want to agree to her restrictions, then maybe you should break up. I am not saying she is being reasonable here; I see no point in trying to control a boyfriend at a distance. She may be concerned about what it would mean for her if you lived together or got married. The nature of the porn might be relevant too - have you discussed the content with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 31, 2021 Share Posted August 31, 2021 You all haven’t even met yet and she’s already trying to manipulate you. Sounds healthy. Not Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 31, 2021 Share Posted August 31, 2021 It's fine for her to not want to be with someone who watches porn. It's fine for her to tell you that's how she feels. It's up to you to decide if you are willing to make changes for her. There is no manipulation or control, just learning each other's deal breakers and figuring out if you're compatible. There are plenty of women who will be OK with you watching porn, or at least not make a big deal out of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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