AnnieB Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 Hello - I haven't written in these forums since four years ago. A lot has changed, but I read my previous post and I think I should just take you guys old advice as it applies. I really haven't learned anything it seems . Anyway - my latest situation. I had been working at a job for about two years. There is a man, who has tended to me from the beginning and been extra nice and attentive. I wasn't paying attention to him at first as I was wrapped up in whatever dating scenario I had going on and I was hanging on. I needed to heal from my last relationship. Anyway, in November last year he friended me on facebook, and then about mid January we started chatting on facebook. He reached out to me. We chatted on facebook, and on text for about a month, and of course saw each other at work all the time. He acted like somebody, who was interested, and pursuing me. He gave me rides home, he texted me all the time, he came to see me, we kissed a few times. When I asked him what he was looking for, he said he wasn't looking for a relationship, but wasn't opposed to companionship. I said I was looking for a relationship. We had a few other conversations about it, and he admits he is emotionally unavailable, has commitment issues, and does not like labels. The works. Also said he loved me, adored me, etc. That he was conflicted. That he wants a family one day and that I would make a great mom. We spent a lot of time talking at work and on text, but not so much time on in person dates. He was always available, when I asked him to spend time with me, but he never asked me on a real official date. Of course this is where I should have cut him off, but you know me. Seeing him was still a lot of fun and his attention was very sweet and I guess as usual being lonely I gave in, and we slept together. he ramped up his attention after we slept together and we basically were in a full on relationship. His actions were certainly aligned with that. With an exception of him sometimes going quiet and me acutely feeling it. I still didn't pursue him, but it hurt my feelings. So he would actively pursue me, and we would talk all the time and then he would be quiet for a week and disappear after work without us talking. Sometimes I called him and asked him, where he went after work, and he would come right back and get me. Things like that. But if I've done any growth it's that I know that I can't change a man and after about three times of him disappearing, I decided to cut him off. I broke up with him on facebook, probably not the most mature way to do it. I felt insecure, a weekend had gone by and he hadn't reached out to me and I reached out to him, and said things like, I felt abandoned, and I felt sad. And that I can only entice him with sex. He vehemently denied it, and said that if sex is ruining our friendship, we should stop having it (lol); and he said he would do a better job reaching out and communicating. To which I said why should I expect something that isn't natural to him. I blocked him on facebook and unblocked him. The works. We haven't texted or messaged since, but I've seen him at work. The first few days neither of us was even saying hello, and then eventually I said something about work, and we have at least been civil. Chatting about families and traveling, and weather like normal coworkers. I've noticed him staring at me still and when I look at him, he looks away. I still have strong feelings for him and I don't really know what to do. I haven't reached out to him on text or facebook since the breakup in May and he hasn't either I've decided to let the chips fall as they may, and if an opportunity arises, I would be dating other men. I don't know if I miss him because it's like an addiction and his unavailability or because I really genuinely love him. I often have trouble distinguishing all these things, and recognize my feelings. If anyone has any advice, I appreciate it!Â
norealusername Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 You have to move on and date other guys. You probably hoped this guy would change but he didn't and he likely never will. You'll just keep repeating the same cycle with this guy and it will just get worse. At least he was upfront about himself at the start. 1
Author AnnieB Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 9 minutes ago, norealusername said: You have to move on and date other guys. You probably hoped this guy would change but he didn't and he likely never will. You'll just keep repeating the same cycle with this guy and it will just get worse. At least he was upfront about himself at the start. Thanks! I agree, he didn't really deceive me and he told me he was emotionally unavailable before he slept with me. He acted confusingly with his professions of love, but he only did that because he was safe. The minute I started having expectations, he started the inconsistency. I guess I was hoping he would change, but that's awfully naive of me and for that I am feeling like a fool. Otherwise I feel like I've done the right thing breaking it off, but now I have to live with it and see him at work (thankfully not every day).Â
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 Tell yourself it was great while it lasted but now it's over. You had a good 6 months. Sometimes we need these micro relationships to figure ourselves out and move on to better things. You did the right thing. 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he was crystal clear about it just being a workplace fling. In your mind you built this up to be a relationship. So, you're in two different worlds in the same space. Rearrange your thinking that it's just a fling. That way you can reflect on which way you want to deal with this . 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 Unfortunately, you don't really have much choice but to move on. He doesn't want a relationship with you, which you knew from the beginning, and he evidently has not changed his mind about that. Him staring at you is meaningless if there is no real action towards dating behind it. He is probably hoping you will change your mind and keep up this casual arrangement, but girl, don't go there. You will get your heart trampled on. 1
smackie9 Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he was crystal clear about it just being a workplace fling. In your mind you built this up to be a relationship. So, you're in two different worlds in the same space. Rearrange your thinking that it's just a fling. That way you can reflect on which way you want to deal with this . This^^^....you did it again.Your heart took you where you shouldn't have gone. And girl you should know by now about love bombing. He was doing it to you. Run next time. Mom talk: guys will do and say most anything, tell you all the right things to get sex. You know, pulling those emotional strings to get you attached. If it sounds too good to be true, that's because it is. I agree, just chalk this up as a fun fling, and leave it. Edited July 2, 2021 by smackie9
stillafool Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 Now you know to believe guys when they tell you they are emotionally unavailable and don't want a relationship. Men are now having no problem being upfront about this but women who are looking for a relationship still get involved with them hoping to change their minds - why? There are men who want a relationship, marriage and kids. If this is what you want too, protect your heart and walk away immediately from the others who don't. You can't turn a fling into a family man. 1
Author AnnieB Posted July 5, 2021 Author Posted July 5, 2021 On 7/1/2021 at 11:07 PM, Gaeta said: Tell yourself it was great while it lasted but now it's over. You had a good 6 months. Sometimes we need these micro relationships to figure ourselves out and move on to better things. You did the right thing. Thank you! I think I was more invested because he was unavailable (although he confessed his feelings numerous times as well and acted very confusingly), ultimately he was always going to fade.Â
Author AnnieB Posted July 5, 2021 Author Posted July 5, 2021 On 7/2/2021 at 2:19 AM, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he was crystal clear about it just being a workplace fling. In your mind you built this up to be a relationship. So, you're in two different worlds in the same space. Rearrange your thinking that it's just a fling. That way you can reflect on which way you want to deal with this . Thank you fir this feedback. We are in two different worlds and in the same space. Actually in more ways than expectations. It would never really even gotten off the ground in any other environment anyway. We aren’t really all that compatible. 1
Author AnnieB Posted July 5, 2021 Author Posted July 5, 2021 On 7/2/2021 at 2:33 AM, ExpatInItaly said: Unfortunately, you don't really have much choice but to move on. He doesn't want a relationship with you, which you knew from the beginning, and he evidently has not changed his mind about that. Him staring at you is meaningless if there is no real action towards dating behind it. He is probably hoping you will change your mind and keep up this casual arrangement, but girl, don't go there. You will get your heart trampled on. Agreed and thank you! He’s been very nice at work again, helpful et al. I’ll just keep it that way. Casual entanglements were never my thing. I always wanted more, I never really got more and my romantic life has always been contentious, but I’d rather have nothing. I’d rather be single single.Â
Author AnnieB Posted July 5, 2021 Author Posted July 5, 2021 On 7/2/2021 at 10:52 AM, stillafool said: Now you know to believe guys when they tell you they are emotionally unavailable and don't want a relationship. Men are now having no problem being upfront about this but women who are looking for a relationship still get involved with them hoping to change their minds - why? There are men who want a relationship, marriage and kids. If this is what you want too, protect your heart and walk away immediately from the others who don't. You can't turn a fling into a family man. Well it wasn’t all me, honestly, his pursuit was full on with confessed feelings etc. But as others are saying it was probably just love bombing. When it comes to a relationship and marriage, living in New York, I must say my romantic life has always left something to be desired. Lots of contention and difficulty. My own abandonment issues and what have you don’t help either. I’ve gone for long stretches without a relationship and that seems to be the way to go for me. I’m much less stressed, when alone. It was nice having someone sweet (and much younger ) in my corner for a while. But maybe it was an illusion. Â
Author AnnieB Posted July 5, 2021 Author Posted July 5, 2021 On 7/2/2021 at 10:15 AM, smackie9 said: This^^^....you did it again.Your heart took you where you shouldn't have gone. And girl you should know by now about love bombing. He was doing it to you. Run next time. Mom talk: guys will do and say most anything, tell you all the right things to get sex. You know, pulling those emotional strings to get you attached. If it sounds too good to be true, that's because it is. I agree, just chalk this up as a fun fling, and leave it. I hear you. He definitely lovebombed me, but it lasted a really long time. Usually I’ve been lovebombed for a month and then it bombed. This guy kept it up much longer. I was attached, but he said that so was he. It’s possible he was lying. I really don’t know which end is up anyways:) gonna take another break from dating (last break was two years )
smackie9 Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 you don't need a break you just need to date smarter, and screen through the bull. You got this. 1
Author AnnieB Posted July 5, 2021 Author Posted July 5, 2021 On 7/2/2021 at 10:52 AM, stillafool said: Now you know to believe guys when they tell you they are emotionally unavailable and don't want a relationship. Men are now having no problem being upfront about this but women who are looking for a relationship still get involved with them hoping to change their minds - why? There are men who want a relationship, marriage and kids. If this is what you want too, protect your heart and walk away immediately from the others who don't. You can't turn a fling into a family man. Thank you! Yes, I think him being honest was refreshing (well it wasn’t completely upfront, but at least it was before we slept together, so it was definitely my choice to continue). I’ve had bad luck in relationships in general, but it’s mainly because I myself have hung on to bad situations and this was no different. I was hoping I had made progress in my therapy, but maybe I’m not as far along there as I had hoped. Oh well.Â
Author AnnieB Posted July 5, 2021 Author Posted July 5, 2021 3 minutes ago, smackie9 said: you don't need a break you just need to date smarter, and screen through the bull. You got this. Ah yes! Cutting s*** off much faster is a skill I need to hone:) Thank you! 1
Author AnnieB Posted July 5, 2021 Author Posted July 5, 2021 Completely unrelated to this discussion and for entertainment purposes only. I work in a very publicly accessible place with a lot of customers and I get stalkers (and so does my friend), and it was something we bonded over and now I’m on my own . Here is the latest WhatsApp message I got from a strange number, I do not know who this person is, but I googled the phone number and it came up as one of our customers. Sigh. I figured I share it with you  Your beautiful and seem so wonderful, each moment spent talking to you ,You seems like an amazing person, if you only knew the love I have waiting for you, in today's unpredictable world, I dont know what I would do if I had someone like you and let you go, every night I would pray, if the Lord should plan to comes for me before I wake , I wouldn't want to go, if I can't see your face or the chance to hold you next to me , What good would heaven be if your not there with me ..??  I would tell the Angels no , I don't want to leave you alone ..it would be unthinkable me sitting up in the clouds and your all alone , the time might come when your ready to move on, I would turn it all around and try to get back down to you , I wouldn't want no one else to hold you, its a chance I would take ,for you..!! heaven can wait Â
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