glows Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 3 minutes ago, ironpony said: Oh okay. What about what said before in the other post, that her saying that means she was just saying it as an insecurity, and she doesn't actually want us to see other people. Is that a likely possibility? You're not expected to be a mindreader. You didn't do anything wrong and please don't put up with any drama from someone who wants to throw a fit about this. It's early still so take things in stride. Bring up exclusivity since you're leaning that way. If she says no, I'm not feeling it, you can choose whether you want to keep seeing her. 2
Miss Spider Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, ironpony said: Oh okay. What about what said before in the other post, that her saying that means she was just saying it as an insecurity, and she doesn't actually want us to see other people. Is that a likely possibility? In my opinion, no. Like I said, when I have said that, it had nothing to do with insecurities. But because I read a lot of stories and have the ability to think outside of the box, had you told her that you weren’t looking for anything serious or something, I’d be more inclined to see how it could be some kind of a poker face. But I don’t see much incentive to do that in the case where you have made your intentions clear and she not only rebuffed them , but also added in how you should keep your options open. It sounds like she just wanted to pound in how casual this really is for her Edited July 2, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Author ironpony Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 Oh okay, do you mean she is being poker faced, or she is seeing me as poker faced? 1
Miss Spider Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) Neither. Like I said, I don’t think she’s playing games and don’t see why you should assume it either. Edited July 2, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
Alpacalia Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 17 hours ago, ironpony said: Well I asked her if she was open to a relationship and she said in the future she may be, she just has a lot going on her life right now. If she doesn't seem to be doing much, you know it's simply a load of horse poo. Keep your relationship exactly as it is, or call it quits. No harm, no foul.
Amanda92 Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 Don't feel guilty! She told you that you can. Even if she was playing she is an adult and she is responsible for her words. She told you you are not exclusive. If you want meet others, meet, if you don't want, don't.
Author ironpony Posted July 3, 2021 Author Posted July 3, 2021 Well when I saw her tonight, she said she wants a relationship now, but she couldn't say it before, and was nervous. So I said I want one too, and we agreed to be exclusive now. But this makes me feel even more guilty about the other woman, now, should I bring it up? 1 1
Miss Spider Posted July 3, 2021 Posted July 3, 2021 Grats. Happy to hear you’re together now. Nope. Don’t bring it up, No point in talking about people you were with before you became exclusive 1
Author ironpony Posted July 3, 2021 Author Posted July 3, 2021 Thanks. Okay it's just that it was a day before, so just feel guilty that I did it still.
Alpacalia Posted July 3, 2021 Posted July 3, 2021 What happened before you were "official" belongs to each of you. She stated that she was not seeing anyone else. But, she suggested you could still see other women if you wanted to. You weren't "official," but her awareness of you hooking up with another woman because you were displeased with her comment may cause her to lose interest.
Author ironpony Posted July 3, 2021 Author Posted July 3, 2021 Okay thanks, I can accept that, just kept wondering if I did anything wrong.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 3, 2021 Posted July 3, 2021 I get your guilt. There are lots of situations like yours. People aren't officially committed one partner has a fling and feels awkward about it when the primary relationship does become official. By hookup, do you mean full-on intercourse? Anything less than that isn't a problem whatsoever, and given her mixed messages, you really didn't do anything wrong. Here's how I would look at this. Looking back, did you really WANT to have the hookup or did you do that just out of frustration? 1
Alpacalia Posted July 3, 2021 Posted July 3, 2021 (edited) What are her views about hooking up with other people while still in the courting stage? Some people prefer to separate from others because they genuinely like the other person and do not want to have sexual relations with anybody else. She gave the green light to see other women, which you did. Edited July 3, 2021 by Alpaca
Miss Spider Posted July 3, 2021 Posted July 3, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, smackie9 said: I'm sure we will be hearing more about it. We sure will. We sure did every time I got in a rship with w guy I initially told to see others Edited July 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Author ironpony Posted July 4, 2021 Author Posted July 4, 2021 Oh well things seem to be going well now that we are in a relationship, but is that good?
smackie9 Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 (edited) Maybe all that was just a $%^& test and you passed. Edited July 4, 2021 by smackie9
Alpacalia Posted July 4, 2021 Posted July 4, 2021 (edited) Yes. If you haven't been dumped over it then you're golden. Edited July 4, 2021 by Alpaca
Author ironpony Posted July 6, 2021 Author Posted July 6, 2021 Okay thanks, as long as I should just continue the relationship and not feel guilty over it then. 2
Alpacalia Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 She muddied the waters with mixed messages. While you were still in this limbo "period," you really didn't show her much regard. If you didn't have a girlfriend, you didn't cheat. Simply indiscriminate. That's different. Can’t rewrite the past. You know? Dig deep, make peace with it, and try to enjoy your future with your new ladylove. 1
AnnieB Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 "You do you!" is not a green light to see anyone, it means you do what you see fit according to your own integrity, which the OP then did. I would tell her so she has a full picture of who you are.
SumGuy Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 On 7/1/2021 at 6:20 PM, ironpony said: There is a woman I started dating and I think it's going really well and on the fifth date coming up now. But I don't know if we should just be seeing each other or other people as well. Should I ask her, or will that come off as too much commitment too soon? But on the otherhand, I don't want to see others, but also have her get turned off by it, if she expected exclusivity from me at this point. What do you think? Exclusivity is a low commitment bar in my book. When sexual with someone it is kind of my minimum, there is a whole STD dimension to it besides emotional. It really is what you want and can live with. If you are OK with her sleeping with others can let it slide and just do you could not say anything, or say you are going to see no one else but not putting that on her and just letting her know. If it is important to you she not sleep with others while sleeping with you (and vice versa) then bring it up. It is to me, I always do and it has never been an issue and often very well received. Yet those are the kind of women I am after. 1
SumGuy Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 On 7/2/2021 at 12:29 PM, ironpony said: Oh okay, but it's just that she also says things like I'm the best guy she's ever been with, and how she really likes me, and she says things like this to me all the time, so if it's a no, not going to happen, I just wish she wouldn't say things like that and be more straight about it. She is probably being straight about it. Man it is 5 dates, she may just be being honest about not being ready yet. That is she does like you, you are great, but does she know you enough to say she wants to be in a "relationship" with you (you have no idea what "relationship" really means to her)...but you are in one with each other. If you are together 6 months from now that may change. She may well decide if you keep being so awesome she will want a "relationship" with you. If you treat it like she means FWB always that is the most you will get and it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Some people are honest with you and themselves, I could never honestly say after 5 dates ready for a relationship with that person (even when that is my ultimate goal to find such a person)...but if we are seeing each other regular it is a relationship. Don't get hung up on labels and others projection. A person who is in there 20s who says they are not sure is very different than a person in there 40s, let alone the world of people who would rather under promise and over deliver. There are many reasonable interpretations of her behavior and words to date, take it for what it is. If you need more than let's keep going and see where it goes...a very normal thing for a 20 something who has dated you 5 times to say...then act accordingly. But to sabotage or escalate your need for definition of "what are we" at this stage based on people saying you are doomed...pure foolishness in my book. It would also be pure foolishness thought to plan out a future together at this stage, anything really beyond the next few dates. Especially as people who say they want a relationship at this stage have no better track record of following through than those who are honest about misgivings. Maybe means maybe, not sure means not sure, until proven otherwise by actions and time.
SumGuy Posted July 6, 2021 Posted July 6, 2021 On 7/2/2021 at 12:58 PM, ironpony said: Oh okay. But when I asked her if she expects us to see other people though, she said you do what you want, and you do. Why did she say that then if we are exclusive now? She likely meant she can't guarantee you this will last forever or even how long so she doesn't want you judging her if later she breaks it off, or (depending on how you reacted and brought it up) she may not want to push you way, or she may like the idea if you see others, or it may have been a test...or all of the above.
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