ironpony Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 There is a woman I started dating and I think it's going really well and on the fifth date coming up now. But I don't know if we should just be seeing each other or other people as well. Should I ask her, or will that come off as too much commitment too soon? But on the otherhand, I don't want to see others, but also have her get turned off by it, if she expected exclusivity from me at this point. What do you think?
AnnieB Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 It's not unheard of to establish exclusivity this early on, but maybe give it a little more time to have this conversation, maybe focus on the compatibility and things you both enjoy together. Only because you asked the forum, I sense maybe you have some hesitation, and you should, it's very early on and anything can happen. If you consistently ask her out and you have a great time, I have a feeling that the conversation will come up organically. Personally, I would not be turned off by a man that I have been on five dates with if he asked me to be his girlfriend. I do not consider it too soon. I may say that it is too soon, but if I still see you after that conversation, the odds are good that I feel safe to continue seeing you and potentially be in a relationship relatively soon, maybe a month or two after that conversation. Has it been about a month or so since you started talking? I would say if you are a about a month and a half, two months mark, you can safely ask her to be your girlfriend.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 Focus on what you want and your own feelings, your own agenda. Trying to anticipate what "she" is thinking will only tie you in knots. If you feel close to her, then initiate a conversation. If you guys haven't even touched on the topic yet, maybe you're not all that close to her. The exclusivity talk should just come up naturally. You don't have to left-brain this. Have you guys kissed a lot and made out? 1
Author ironpony Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) Okay thanks. Well I asked her if she was open to a relationship and she said in the future she may be, she just has a lot going on her life right now. I asked if she was seeing anyone else right now, and she said no, and I said well I don't feel like it either, and she said you can if you want, you do you. But I got turned off when she said that, Later on in the day, I hooked up with another woman who wanted to but as we were in the process of hooking up I got turned on off and felt sick and regreted doing it and left. I just feel lousy now, like I cheated, even though she said we are not exclusive. She said you do you, but was this a test and she didn't actually want me to see anyone else? Edited July 2, 2021 by ironpony
Miss Spider Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 1 hour ago, ironpony said: Okay thanks. Well I asked her if she was open to a relationship and she said in the future she may be, she just has a lot going on her life right now. I asked if she was seeing anyone else right now, and she said no, and I said well I don't feel like it either, and she said you can if you want, you do you. My money says she’s keeping her options open. Do/ say exact thing when I’m keeping my options open
FMW Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 3 hours ago, ironpony said: she said you can if you want, you do you. I would take that to mean she's not too interested in being exclusive. Like @Cookiesandough said, keeping her options open. 2
Fletch Lives Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 5 hours ago, ironpony said: Well I asked her if she was open to a relationship and she said in the future she may be, she just has a lot going on her life right now. This means "no". "No relationship right now" means she's not into you, and probably never will be. "A lot going on in her life" is an excuse. If they like you, they shift priorities and make time for you. Period. 5
Blind-Sided Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) OK... 5 dates... but how long have you been seeing each other? I think that is more the real question. I generally don't multi-date... so if it was me... next time I was with her, I would just casually say something like... "I'm enjoying our time, and because of that, I'm not seeing anyone else." A comment like that doesn't put her on the spot to answer you about being exclusive... but it lets her know where your mind is. I did something similar with my GF a while back. She had left some clothes, and some paperwork at my house. More specifically in the bedroom. She told me she was sorry that she "Left a mess"... and I said... "Just put it in the night stand, since there isn't anyone else using it." I didn't pressure her to answer me on being exclusive... but she understands that there are no other girls coming into my bedroom. Edited July 2, 2021 by Blind-Sided 1
smackie9 Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) When they say "maybe" it's a no, not gonna happen. You are just an option in a sea of opportunities. Edited July 2, 2021 by smackie9 1
Author ironpony Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: When they say "maybe" it's a no, not gonna happen. You are just an option in a sea of opportunities. Oh okay, but it's just that she also says things like I'm the best guy she's ever been with, and how she really likes me, and she says things like this to me all the time, so if it's a no, not going to happen, I just wish she wouldn't say things like that and be more straight about it.
Author ironpony Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: OK... 5 dates... but how long have you been seeing each other? I think that is more the real question. I generally don't multi-date... so if it was me... next time I was with her, I would just casually say something like... "I'm enjoying our time, and because of that, I'm not seeing anyone else." A comment like that doesn't put her on the spot to answer you about being exclusive... but it lets her know where your mind is. I did something similar with my GF a while back. She had left some clothes, and some paperwork at my house. More specifically in the bedroom. She told me she was sorry that she "Left a mess"... and I said... "Just put it in the night stand, since there isn't anyone else using it." I didn't pressure her to answer me on being exclusive... but she understands that there are no other girls coming into my bedroom. We have had five dates in two weeks, but we've known each other for longer before then in a circle of friends, so I thought that that prior knowledge does add to how the progress of things are moving. Edited July 2, 2021 by ironpony
Amanda92 Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 We don't know what she thinks... just ask again in one month.
Calmandfocused Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 If, after 5 dates she really likes you (and she has openly said she does) she won’t see anybody else. Same applies for you. You have your exclusivity! This goes without saying. What’s more worrying here IMO is that she’s oohing and ahhing about a long term relationship. This tells me that you already have an exclusive relationship but the point is; it won’t be for very long.
Author ironpony Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 Oh okay. But when I asked her if she expects us to see other people though, she said you do what you want, and you do. Why did she say that then if we are exclusive now?
Calmandfocused Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 10 minutes ago, ironpony said: Oh okay. But when I asked her if she expects us to see other people though, she said you do what you want, and you do. Why did she say that then if we are exclusive now? I’ve just read that you tried to get it on with someone else. Bad move! You betrayed your own feelings there man! That was a very silly thing to do! Women say stupid things like that in moments of insecurity. I’ve said that to men when deep down it’s the very last thing I wanted. I think this woman will be very upset that you pulled someone else on the same day you saw her. I think you’ve messed this one up mate. Sorry
Author ironpony Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) Yeah I see what you mean. Well I asked some friends advice about this and they said it doesn't count as cheating, since she said we weren't exclusive, but I still feel really bad about it. I got jealous when she said that, and it caused me to retaliate. But they said to just tell her I am going to see her only from now on, if that's best? I didn't see her the same day, we were texting about it on the phone. Edited July 2, 2021 by ironpony
Miss Spider Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 1 hour ago, ironpony said: Oh okay. But when I asked her if she expects us to see other people though, she said you do what you want, and you do. Why did she say that then if we are exclusive now? I don’t know why *she* said it. I can only tell you that when I’ve said it, it’s because I’m feeling a guy that much and know I won’t commit, so o feel less guilty if he’s seeing others
Tinyjaguar Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 I never did much of the things mentioned (not in to poetry, not a snappy dresser and I get on well with women) and people still assumed I was gay. Go figure.
Author ironpony Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 27 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I don’t know why *she* said it. I can only tell you that when I’ve said it, it’s because I’m feeling a guy that much and know I won’t commit, so o feel less guilty if he’s seeing others Oh okay. Well I want to see her and her only. So what should the plan be now, based on my mistake I feel guilty over now? 2
Miss Spider Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) 15 minutes ago, ironpony said: Oh okay. Well I want to see her and her only. So what should the plan be now, based on my mistake I feel guilty over now? I’m sorry you feel guilty, but she gave you permission to … and tbh I think you’re doing the right thing to see other(s) at this juncture. Because based on my xp, and this is just my opinion, she doesn’t want to be 100% exclusive with you at the moment, her foot out the door. She’s not that into you. Could that change down the road? Possibly. Anything is possible but in my experience that doesn’t happen. Even though I have at some point become briefly exclusive with the guys I told to go see others…never 100% felt it . You just don’t tell that to guys that you are really feeling. You don’t want them to go see others. if you feel too guilty about it, of course don’t do it, just keep seeing her and hope for the best Edited July 2, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
smackie9 Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 2 hours ago, ironpony said: Oh okay, but it's just that she also says things like I'm the best guy she's ever been with, and how she really likes me, and she says things like this to me all the time, so if it's a no, not going to happen, I just wish she wouldn't say things like that and be more straight about it. I call that a carrot on a stick. To keep you hanging around for the attention. It's not up to her no, it's up to YOU to use your own discretion in what course of action you want to take. 1
Author ironpony Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said: I’m sorry you feel guilty, but she gave you permission to … and tbh I think you’re doing the right thing to see other(s) at this juncture. Because based on my xp, and this is just my opinion, she doesn’t want to be 100% exclusive with you at the moment, her foot out the door. She’s not that into you. Could that change down the road? Possibly. Anything is possible but in my experience that doesn’t happen. Even though I have at some point become briefly exclusive with the guys I told to go see others…never 100% felt it . You just don’t tell that to guys that you are really feeling. You don’t want them to go see others. if you feel too guilty about it, of course don’t do it, just keep seeing her and hope for the best Oh okay, well I don't know how to feel abou this because this post suggests I shouldn't feel too bad about it because she gave me permission, where as a previous post said I should hav read between the lines and I screwed up as a result. So a part of me feels okay about it, the other part feels like crap.
Miss Spider Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) 25 minutes ago, ironpony said: Oh okay, well I don't know how to feel abou this because this post suggests I shouldn't feel too bad about it because she gave me permission, where as a previous post said I should hav read between the lines and I screwed up as a result. So a part of me feels okay about it, the other part feels like crap. You feel how you feel and I get there are differing opinions but you literally asked her if she wanted a relationship with you and she turned you down. and told you that you can see other people. You arent in a relationship with her you are a free agent. If she got mad you eff somebody else, that would be nutty. But I get people feel how they feel Edited July 2, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Author ironpony Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 Oh okay. What about what said before in the other post, that her saying that means she was just saying it as an insecurity, and she doesn't actually want us to see other people. Is that a likely possibility?
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