ZinaJ Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 I am 24F, recently been seeing a guy I met online. We exchanged numbers and texted quite a bit before and after our first date which was last week. On our date he admitted he’s not much of a texter. After a few days his texts got less frequent, which is Ok because we already set a second date. Second date was a few days ago and went well, planning on a third. Lately though, it seems like he’s not texting me as much. I also noticed that his location on Hinge updates which means he’s still using his account. I am as well, just don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket. But I feel upset because I really thought we had a connection…yet he’s still likely exploring his options. I guess the second date is too early to tell, but if he really liked me, wouldn’t I know? When we’re on our dates he seems very into me, but afterwards there’s almost a radio silence and I get the sense that he doesn’t feel as strongly. I feel like maybe I’m just paranoid and trying to move too quickly. In my only other relationship, the guy told me he wanted to be official after our first date, and said “I love you” after our second. Now I understand I was lovebombed, and the relationship ended not too long after. I spoke with my mom about all this and she thinks I come off as cold and uninterested, especially in my texts, which could be turning him off. She also mentioned that he may be noticing me using the dating app and thinks that I’m exploring other options too. When in reality all I want is him, I honestly dont care about the other conversations Im having. Our third date is in a few days but we haven’t decided where or what we’re doing. I really hope this is the date where we have a conversation about where this is all heading towards. I don’t want to be led on. Anyone have a similar experience? Is it normal to not be as texty once you meet someone IRL? Is it a sign of disinterest if they are still using apps?
Wiseman2 Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 Ok, after 2 dates both of you are still talking to and meeting others. Texting is not dating. In fact anyone who texts this much is a red flag. Anyone can text. It cheap, lazy and people can text from the toilet, their partners house, whatever. Dating happens in person in real time. Dating requires effort therefore it requires real interest. Perhaps you dodged a bullet. Excessive texting is a red flag . 3
Author ZinaJ Posted July 1, 2021 Author Posted July 1, 2021 22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok, after 2 dates both of you are still talking to and meeting others. Texting is not dating. In fact anyone who texts this much is a red flag. Anyone can text. It cheap, lazy and people can text from the toilet, their partners house, whatever. Dating happens in person in real time. Dating requires effort therefore it requires real interest. Perhaps you dodged a bullet. Excessive texting is a red flag . I guess you’re right that real life interactions are more meaningful than words on a screen, but sometimes it’d be nice to get those words. text maybe 2-3 times a day now. 1
introverted1 Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 53 minutes ago, ZinaJ said: I guess you’re right that real life interactions are more meaningful than words on a screen, but sometimes it’d be nice to get those words. text maybe 2-3 times a day now. Could just be a style difference. I would find 2-3 texts a day exhausting with someone I'd only been on 2 dates with. Also, keep in mind that he is seeing your location updates on Hinge just as you are seeing his. 3
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 2 dates in is too soon to stop with the apps & commit. The guy who said ILY on your 2nd date had no freakin' idea what that concept means & neither do you if you are looking for it so early. It's inappropriate until you take the time to get to know each other. Texting is a not a good measure of anything. Stop using it as a yardstick. Only evaluate how he treats you in person. Slow down. You make a huge mistake too many people make: expecting a new person you have been on a few dates with to behave like a committed, exclusive, long term SO. Stop that. Let things unfold more naturally & slowly. If this was a plain friendship would you be going around calling some women you only met twice your new BFF? Of course not. These things take time. 1
Author ZinaJ Posted July 1, 2021 Author Posted July 1, 2021 6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: 2 dates in is too soon to stop with the apps & commit. The guy who said ILY on your 2nd date had no freakin' idea what that concept means & neither do you if you are looking for it so early. It's inappropriate until you take the time to get to know each other. Texting is a not a good measure of anything. Stop using it as a yardstick. Only evaluate how he treats you in person. Slow down. You make a huge mistake too many people make: expecting a new person you have been on a few dates with to behave like a committed, exclusive, long term SO. Stop that. Let things unfold more naturally & slowly. If this was a plain friendship would you be going around calling some women you only met twice your new BFF? Of course not. These things take time. Thank you. I think I really needed to hear this. I do tend to get attached easily and it’s probably unhealthy to expect too much of him. He may like me but just feel like it’s too early for anything concrete. He may also not like me, and I need to accept that that’s ok too. I’ve known him for less than a week
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 Exactly. You have known him for less than a week. He is not a person of consequence in your life just yet. Stop acting like the world revolves around him. As @introverted1 pointed out if you can see his location on Hinge, he can see yours. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. I'd turn that feature off if possible. If you are both still dating others, there's no need to shove that info into the other's face. Even if you are not, he doesn't need to know that. It may put too much pressure on him plus a little mystery is a good thing. Technology like location apps can be very damaging rather than helpful this early on
smackie9 Posted July 3, 2021 Posted July 3, 2021 (edited) Me personally first impressions count. I myself like to be pursued a certain way and that means some nice chats or a small meetup in between main dates. I find it to be a part of the build of emotional connection/attention. If a guy treats me as I expect, that means we are one step closer to finding out our compatibility. A step in the right direction that is, as we get to know one another. BUT this is just me we are talkin about...as you can see others wouldn't look at this as an issue and that's fine..but we are talking about you personally...and how this makes you feel. So ask yourself...is his behavor acceptable to you? You are here complaining about it so that's a no right? It's not going to change Edited July 3, 2021 by smackie9 1
Miss Spider Posted July 3, 2021 Posted July 3, 2021 The threads should probably be merged, as it’s clear this is about Mr. Ghost. I feel like ghosting is rarely a completely out of left field. Some people are more nuanced about showing their decreasing interest and some people suck more at it up, but it’s almost always there. Not necessarily you, OP, but I also think maybe people who hate ghosting so much just hate being rejected or broken up with and ghosting is a good scapegoat for complaining about that
ShyViolet Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 On 7/1/2021 at 5:55 AM, ZinaJ said: I feel like maybe I’m just paranoid and trying to move too quickly. In my only other relationship, the guy told me he wanted to be official after our first date, and said “I love you” after our second. Now I understand I was lovebombed, and the relationship ended not too long after. What you described above is NOT normal and is certainly not something that you should be using as a yardstick to compare other dating experiences. No wonder the relationship ended soon after; it's not normal behavior to jump into a serious, official relationship after one or two dates. Now regarding this new guy; you have been on TWO dates with him; you are seriously over-analyzing this. He's not supposed to be constantly texting you when you've only gone on two dates. There is no need for that. Not everyone is into constant texting. The fact that you have a third date scheduled should tell you that he's still interested. On 7/1/2021 at 5:55 AM, ZinaJ said: Our third date is in a few days but we haven’t decided where or what we’re doing. I really hope this is the date where we have a conversation about where this is all heading towards. I don’t want to be led on. Oh please don't try to have a conversation on your third date about "where this is all heading." That's just cringey and inappropriate. I don't know where you got these unhealthy and skewed ideas about how dating should be..... they are all wrong. Seriously, relax and stop trying to rush into a serious relationship. You are going to scare him off and sabotage what might be potential for a good thing. You DON'T know this guy, you have just met him a week ago. You shouldn't even be thinking about jumping into a serious relationship with him. You are just getting to know him.
Calmandfocused Posted July 5, 2021 Posted July 5, 2021 I agree with smackie. Nothing puts me off more than the “out of sight, out of mind” mentality, even in the very early stages of dating. I like to know that a man is thinking about me in between dates. I need something to keep the connection alive to keep my interest. Quick phone calls preferably but texts will do. However whilst texting can keep the connection going until the next dates, I do agree that it cannot compensate/ substitute for in person meaningful interactions. In my experience if the texts are reducing, the connection is waning, and it’s a non starter. 1
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