He brought flowers to my workplace after two dates

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

He sounds like what my daughter calls as 'hobo-sexual'.  He's looking for his next couch to surf on (or bed to ride in) until you get sick of his unemployed mess and kick him out.

Hobosexual    

He also sounds like he has his head in the clouds a bit. He may have seen one too many movies that glorified the guy basically stalking the girl while she keeps saying "no," then finally, of course, she caves. 'Cause that's what women really want...  

My DH and I were watching Sleeping With the Enemy recently and when the young hot dude stopped her and wouldn't let her go by while she was "stealing" apples (and "joked around" with her), then showed up at her door, I was like...uh, in the movie it seems so cute. But if a guy did this in real life...well...you know what they say, "Dial 911, make a cop come!" 

These things just don't play out well IRL. In movies and stories, you're suspending reality, you're not expecting real life to be like that. Healthy people get that...we enjoy the movie and then real life is real life...

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

So many assumptions. 

Anyway, I think it's most likely this^ rather than he's a psychopath.

I mean, he may be a psycho stalker, can't rule anything out, but can't tell from just this one incident.

Could just be over-enthusiasm and a mis-judgment too.

The important thing is they are incompatible, he's not the right fit for OP, next. 

 

 

IMO, even non-psycho-stalkers realize what boundaries are. They find ways to be romantic that aren't...stalker-ish. People do this ALL the time, romantic gestures that aren't on the order of hunting down the person's last name and where she works and things like that.

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Hobosexual    

He also sounds like he has his head in the clouds a bit. He may have seen one too many movies that glorified the guy basically stalking the girl while she keeps saying "no," then finally, of course, she caves. 'Cause that's what women really want...  

My DH and I were watching Sleeping With the Enemy recently and when the young hot dude stopped her and wouldn't let her go by while she was "stealing" apples (and "joked around" with her), then showed up at her door, I was like...uh, in the movie it seems so cute. But if a guy did this in real life...well...you know what they say, "Dial 911, make a cop come!" 

These things just don't play out well IRL. In movies and stories, you're suspending reality, you're not expecting real life to be like that. Healthy people get that...we enjoy the movie and then real life is real life...

Yeah I recall one man I dated who owned a cookie shop in town (the cookies were delish!) and after our first date, he personally delivered a box to my workplace.

I was definitely unnerved but my first thought was that he wanted to impress me and thought this would do it!  

I was actually flattered that he made that effort; I didn't jump to the assumption he was a psycho stalker, rather simply a man who like @Punterxxsaid, was thinking outside the box and wanted to impress me.

I went out with him a couple more times but wasn't all that attracted so stopped dating him.

Another man I dated around two times arranged for a dozen roses to be hand delivered to my workplace. I was still in love with my ex at the time so didn't want to pursue, and he turned out to be crazy!!

I remember giving one rose to each of my co-workers.

Anyway, he called to ask me if I received, I said yes, thanked him, said they weren't necessary and that I was getting back together with my ex.

He started SCREAMING at me on the phone!!!  lol  Became totally unhinged, I remember hanging up on him (or thinking I hung up) but I actually didn't and his screaming obscenities came through over the speaker!!

All my co-workers heard him, I was SOOOO embarrassed!! 

So yeah you never know about people, but like I said the important thing is the OP recognized he's not the man for her and nexted.

Edited July 1, 2021 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yeah I recall one man I dated who owned a cookie shop in town (the cookies were delish!) and after our first date, he personally delivered a box to my workplace.

I was definitely unnerved but my first thought was that he wanted to impress me and thought this would do it!  

I was actually flattered that he made that effort; I didn't jump to the assumption he was a psycho stalker, rather simply a man who like @Punterxxsaid, was thinking outside the box and wanted to impress me.

I went out with him a couple more times but wasn't all that attracted so stopped dating him.

Another man I dated around two times hand delivered a dozen roses to my workplace!!  I was still in love with my ex at the time so didn't want to pursue, and he turned out to be crazy!

I remember giving one rose to each of my co-workers.

Anyway, he called to ask me if I received, I said yes, thanked him, said they weren't necessary and that I was getting back together with my ex.

He started SCREAMING at me on the phone!!!  lol  Became totally unhinged, I remember hanging up on him (or thinking I hung up) but I actually didn't and his screaming came through over the speaker!!

All my co-workers heard him, I was SOOOO embarrassed!! 

So yeah you never know about people, but like I said the important thing is the OP recognized he's not the man for her and nexted.

That's a cute story (the first one). It does lack the other red flags, like not being able to hold onto a job and blaming the bosses for each lost job, which are part of what goes into all of this. And then not even knowing her last name, looking that up, then somehow searching where she worked, is just not as cute. If he already knew these things it might be different. You need to take an entire story in context.

I'm not sure we "jumped to assumptions," either. We are giving advice based on what little we do know, which is all anyone can do (and which, BTW, is why someone brand-new to a dating association or whatever has to *act trustworthy*), and being safer IS better than being sorry in the beginning...she does not know this guy. (shrug) She didn't call the cops or anything, LOL, she just went with what she knew, plus her gut, plus his reactions, and it didn't add up to something that felt safe.

To be 100% honest, it's kind of hard to have a conversation with so much hyperbole as the ongoing response. So I'm attempting to answer these over-the-top scenarios by bringing it back to the OP's situation. I hope this helps.

Edited July 1, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl

[Amanda92]

I would ask him how did he find where you work and tell that it is creepy. I don't know if we can teach people like him something, but they have no clue that their behavior is bad. But that's not your problem obviously. And maybe tell them at work not to let him come to your office again.

And I don't think he wanted FWB. He wanted more time to bomb you with love and make you addicted to him.

Anyway, it's good that you told him that it's over. My friend behave the same way. When a girl after 2 date stopped answering him, he called every hospital and then send a letter and chocolate to her job.

Poppyfields - I don't think you are right. Do you know love bombing process and all these manipulation? A normal romantic guy would say "ugh I saw you were embarrassed, maybe I shouldn't do it so fast" and a manipulator in situations like this one try to make you feel guilty and bad.

"like he could finish my sentences and knew exactly what I was thinking" I know it! When someone try to manipulate you you may feel that he try to go to your mind! For the first time it may look romantic, but it's really crazy and it's just a manipulation method.

[poppyfields]

@CaliforniaGirl  I don't recall telling the first guy where I worked either, that's why I was so unnerved when he stopped by with the cookies. 

He had found me on FB (I had FB at the time, I have since deactivated as my ex (same ex I had gotten back together with) hacked into it and began stalking me on there after we broke up.  Doing some extremely weird shyt.

With respect to OP's guy, yeah you're right, , I only focused on him bringing the flowers to her office since that was the title and topic of the thread.

Everything else, taken together, would definitely be cause for concern, I am with ya there.

Edited July 1, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Yeah, I don’t find it cute in the least. Sorry but cute is bringing cookies or flowers to a date we have planned. Try hard,but maybe cute. 
if I didn’t give you personal information about myself and you went out of your way to look for it and show up some here I’m at, particularly my place of employment that I can’t even get away from you at, and we haven’t even been on 3 dates yet, you’re being creepy. Not cute.  It shows an unhealthy preoccupation  at the very least that probably will not bode well in the long run. Even with all the other red flags aside. Different strokes for diff folks though 

Edited July 1, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

In retrospect, having been stalked and shyt, if it happened today I'm pretty sure I'd feel differently and creeped out.  

But I had my info on FB which was my choice, and if one is going to post their private info on social media, then it's to be expected that someone, anyone, would find you and do whatever!

Which is why I have NO social media anymore except Pinterest which I don't really consider social media even though technically it is.  None of my private info is shown there though.

But I don't have FB or IG anymore or any other of the more popular types of social media for this reason.... I honestly can't stand, I think most socials are essentially a huge validation fest and a complete waste of time.

JMO

Edited July 1, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Also creepy( to me) what my soon-to-be ex just did. I said I’m meeting a friend somewhere at x time and he said he’s going to be right by that area. When you say or they know you’re going to be at x place at x time and try show up. It’s like f*** off, you weren’t invited. 

[MsJayne]

Turning up at someone's workplace unannounced speaks of a huge lack of social awareness, (shouts actually). I'm so glad you cut him loose, I got a really bad feeling when I was reading that. I suspect his ex employers could tell you stories that would make your jaw drop. 

[smackie9]

scrub=1999 hobo-sexual=2021

Edited July 1, 2021 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Alvi said:

After a careful consideration, I've decided to end this.

Good call. How did your coworkers react?

[norealusername]

It is possible the guy isn't dangerous and he's just completely clueless about dating and interacting with people. Either way it's super creepy and embarrassing. 

[spiderowl]

I think if you carry on seeing this guy, OP, you really need to take care of your personal security until you know him better.

Turning up at your workplace with flowers is stalkery; it would have put me off.  I appreciate that for some guys it might seem like a grand gesture; however, one grand gesture maybe but any more weird turning up situations would be worrying.

I guess one thing that sent up a red flag for me was his frequent change of job and location.  You don't know the first thing about this guy's background.  He may be genuine and just easily bored but he could also be a guy with a criminal history you are unaware of.  If you know his name, then you could do some research I guess, though a true criminal might have an assumed name.

Does he know where you live?  If so, I would not tell him for the moment.  If he finds out somehow and turns up, then you know for sure you have a problem here.

I'd like to be able to say he's just romantic but take care of your personal security until you are sure you know a lot more about this guy.

Edited July 2, 2021 by spiderowl

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you decided to end this @Alvi because you two are not compatible.  

But I'm going to defend the guy.  What he did was a bit over the top but I think it came from a good place.  He went the extra mile to find out where you work because he liked you & wanted to do something nice.  

Unless you diligently scour the 'net to scrub yourself from view, it doesn't take much effort to find somebody.  I have a job where I occasionally have to locate elusive people.   It's rarely taken me more than 4 hours to find somebody.   Only once in the past few years did I have to resort to hiring a private eye who gave me a 10 page dossier on the person within 2 hours including financial records.   Heck DH & his buddies were looking for a member of their old unit for 4 years.  I had the guy on the phone in 20 minutes.   so the idea that people have privacy in this day & age is an illusion. You can't hide these days & most often you tell people this info yourself on your social media.  

Anyway, he found your work & brought flowers.  He picked a "public" place for his grand gesture.  He did not show up at your house unannounced trying for force his way in.  He was trying to do something nice, something romantic but you did not appreciate the gesture.  Based on the negative reactions from many other posters most people share your view.  And that is OK but it doesn't make him necessarily wrong. 

I am a bit troubled by the bear on the 1st date & now this.  The two early gifts do read a bit too much like he's trying to buy you but that may be clueless rather than manipulative.  On some level it harkens back to a different age of courtship when those types of gifts were required. 

But here's the thing, your communication wasn't the clearest either.  It's understandable.  You were startled by the gesture but should you find yourself in a similar situation in the future, there are ways to handle it better.   I have had men do this to me.  Best to nip it in the bud but carry on.  I take the flowers & thank the man.  Then I ask how they located my office.  (With me it's not hard; I have a website with my name & address).  Then I sternly explain that this is my place of business & it's disruptive for people to just show up unannounced because I'm busy.  I tell the guy I will make time for him if I can, but any more popping by without calling will result in a chilly reception or he may end up cooling his heels in my waiting room if I'm in the middle of something.  Most respect that & I never get "surprised" again.  Even my husband will occasionally call & say "you've been working too much; can I come over with dinner?"  He doesn't just show up.   It's about setting & maintaining your boundaries.  

Again it's best that you & this guy not continue but there is no need to vilify a guy for a romantic gesture.  Since it fell flat with you, that means you are not compatible.  

[Alvi]

OK, so there is an update to this apparently.

So, whoever said about him being a hobosexual was right on money.

He texted me yesterday out of the blue. I didn't block him since there was no communication after I've ended things. He wrote to me that he was kicked out of the place that he was renting. He also quit his job because (a big surprise) of his boss being an A-hole. Yep, apparently this guy is unable to keep any job for a long period of time.

Anyhow, he ended up living in a tent in the wilderness of Yukon for a bit. And it gets even more crazier. He meets some woman after returning back to the city and moves in with her within days of knowing each other. And that is not it!!! One week later she changes the locks while he is out and leaves all his stuff on the porch.

This is where I come in. He starts buttering me up in the texts telling me how much he missed me. Right, lol. And I just knew instinctively that he was going to ask me to stay at my place. And he sure did. I told him no way in hell I would ever allow that. And that he is a grown man who needs to take responsibilities for his own actions. And to stop jumping from woman to woman expecting to be bailed out. Never heard from him again after I told him all that, lol. Perhaps I was too harsh with him and didn't filter my wording, but I don't like to be used like that.

I sure blocked him this time.  Boy oh boy, did I dodge a massive bullet here. No wonder he was pushing me for a relationship so fast on our first date and love bombing me after. All he needed from me was living at my house for for free. I am guessing that he though bringing me flowers to my work would make me open up my house to him. 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Alvi said:

him being a hobosexual.  I dodge a massive bullet here. 

Wasn't there a guy called "homeless Joe" who used to hustle women for places to stay?

[Alvi]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wasn't there a guy called "homeless Joe" who used to hustle women for places to stay?

And funny enough, there is no shortage of women who would sex him up and allow him to stay at their places.

[CaliforniaGirl]

17 minutes ago, Alvi said:

OK, so there is an update to this apparently.

So, whoever said about him being a hobosexual was right on money.

He texted me yesterday out of the blue. I didn't block him since there was no communication after I've ended things. He wrote to me that he was kicked out of the place that he was renting. He also quit his job because (a big surprise) of his boss being an A-hole. Yep, apparently this guy is unable to keep any job for a long period of time.

Anyhow, he ended up living in a tent in the wilderness of Yukon for a bit. And it gets even more crazier. He meets some woman after returning back to the city and moves in with her within days of knowing each other. And that is not it!!! One week later she changes the locks while he is out and leaves all his stuff on the porch.

This is where I come in. He starts buttering me up in the texts telling me how much he missed me. Right, lol. And I just knew instinctively that he was going to ask me to stay at my place. And he sure did. I told him no way in hell I would ever allow that. And that he is a grown man who needs to take responsibilities for his own actions. And to stop jumping from woman to woman expecting to be bailed out. Never heard from him again after I told him all that, lol. Perhaps I was too harsh with him and didn't filter my wording, but I don't like to be used like that.

I sure blocked him this time.  Boy oh boy, did I dodge a massive bullet here. No wonder he was pushing me for a relationship so fast on our first date and love bombing me after. All he needed from me was living at my house for for free. I am guessing that he though bringing me flowers to my work would make me open up my house to him. 

 

Good grief.