My friend and her boyfriend were trying to be polyamorous with me… and I ruined it.

[youngandconfusedx]

Hi everyone,

So this year has been a lot for me. Back in January I met this girl. I’m a girl and we are all in our early 20s btw. And we started a friendship we started to hangout a lot and it was great. Until this one night back in February. I went to her apartment and her and her boyfriend wanted to do a drug. And we all did it. We were laying in bed and she told her boyfriend to start cuddling with me. And she didn’t ask if I would be okay with it. I thought that was really weird. He was really touchy and she was too. I couldn’t help but feel confused and uncomfortable from that night. I still hung out with them after that. She would bring up polyamory and her bisexuality in our conversations a lot so I thought she was trying to hint something at me. So one day I decided to text her all of my feelings about that night and our relationship in general. I basically told her that I was only looking for a platonic relationship with her. And that I was uncomfortable by that night. And that we needed boundaries. Also that I feel like she has been trying to hint something at me. She responded saying that her and her boyfriend spread platonic love that way. And that sorry I was confused by everything and I was wrong . And she also said that she’s just open about talking about her sexual life. I got embarrassed by her response for some reason. Anyways we talked everything out via text.

And I thought we were fine. I did not want our friendship to end. But she decided to ghost me. I let her know that I was going out of town. And she told me to text her when I got back so I did. I texted her about four times back in April. And she never answered any of my texts. The way she decided to ghost me devastated me. I was so upset and depressed about it. And I’ve lost friendships before and usually I can move on but with this one it was different. Since she’s ghosted me I’ve had lots of time to reflect on our relationship. And I realized that I have love for her and her boyfriend. We all had some really intimate moments together. And that night was the most intimate moment that we had and it just made me so confused. So that’s why I confronted her and I told her that I was uncomfortable. But I realize since then that I wasn’t really uncomfortable I was just confused. And since they didn’t communicate with me how was I supposed to know what they really wanted? The cuddling was nice it was almost beautiful. I have really never had that kinda intimacy ever in my life. I was so vulnerable with them.

They also made me feel heard and loved. I’m pretty sure they wanted something more with me. They just didn’t know how to communicate it with me. I miss her so much like everyday since she ghosted me. She has not tried contacting me at all for 3 months. It just hurts Because she told me she loved me. And she told me I was one of her soulmates. So I’m so confused on why she hurt me so much. Like now I realized that I am open to exploring love with the 2 of them. But we never even got to talk about it. Like what can I do now? I guess nothing but move on right? I feel like I ruined everything. I haven't been able to stop thinking about all of this for months. It made me feel so bad that she ghosted. was i the toxic one in this situation? I just want to move on......

Edited June 30, 2021 by youngandconfusedx

[balletomane]

They acted in a predatory way towards you. Even if cuddling and touching someone in bed is their way of being "platonic" (doubtful), they know perfectly well that everyone else wouldn't see it that way and that it's important to have consent before they do things like that.

This woman ghosted you because you told her how you felt and made it clear that you wouldn't tolerate her making you uncomfortable again. She only wanted to be your friend when she thought you would do as she wanted. You don't need that sort of manipulation in your life. It sounds like you're willing to do what she wants now just so you can have her back, which is a very dangerous path to go down. Move on, and remember that anyone who pulls stunts like that without checking you're OK with it first is bad news.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, balletomane said:

They acted in a predatory way towards you.

Agree. With the drugs, no consent and all, this almost seems more like date rape than any sport of lovey-dovey threesome. Run

Edited June 30, 2021 by Wiseman2

[salparadise]

I would not characterize what happened as sinister. They offered a ménage à trois, attempted to seduce you. You didn't realize what was going on and weren't ready. Then you sent that message stating that you were uncomfortable with what happened and that they crossed your boundary. She realized that further interaction with you would be both embarrassing and sexually uneventful, so she cut you off.

You set a boundary and she's respecting it. This was never a purely platonic friendship. You were a willing participant up to a point. You said, "We were laying in bed and she told her boyfriend to start cuddling with me." You skipped the part about how you managed to end up in bed with them. And you said, "the cuddling was nice it was almost beautiful. I have really never had that kinda intimacy ever in my life. I was so vulnerable with them." So I guess you participated in the cuddling, but you did not say if they tried to escalate from there or what.

I just think that you were caught by surprise and it was new territory. You were confused, became nervous, reacted negatively. The next time you get into bed with someone whether it be a man, woman or couple, you should expect sexual advances. If you don't want that, stay out of the damn bed!