Don't pursue 'The One' person

[Herkamer]

I've been reading forums about the nice guy/bad boy types as of late. Based on what the general consensus from the people typing them out, nice guys seem friendly but are more sociopathic while bad boys are rebellious but adventurous. Looking at all those groups, people, at least on here, don't want any of them. People want a good balance. Women want strong, masculine, good men, while men want strong, feminine good woman. It's perfectly normal and sensible. All these groups, though, have something in common: they all try to pursue "The One" person in their lives. That "One" person can be anyone that marks all the checkboxes that you are looking for in a person you're looking to live the rest of your life with.

What does it detail? That depends on what qualifies in your book. It could be beliefs, education, physical attractiveness, whatever it is that you deem to be ideal. And what happens when we find "The One?" We want to pursue them. But ultimately, what ends up happening? We fall flat on our faces. Why does that happen? Let me give me some examples.

The first one is a friend of mine named Thom. In his 40s, owns a small business with his brother, and very skilled. He's a good guy, travels quite a bit, and is a fun guy. Thom wants to get married. He was, at one point in his earlier age, engaged to a woman to be married. Sadly, it was called off over differences. Since then, though, he has been on the hunt for a woman. His checkboxes for "The One" include very physically attractive, in their 20s, and no kids. His success rate, he's still single and hasn't readjusted his priorities.

The next one is a cousin of mine named John, This guy is in his mid 50s, works for a road company, and is very devout in his faith (like me). John is also a good guy and enjoys going out to events where there are single people, like him. John wants to be married. He never had been nor was he even engaged. He has been, however, in contact with a woman closer to his age that's further south than where he lives. What John's checkboxes are: same faith as he is, very nice, and enjoys physical activities. Makes more sense than some of Thom's checkboxes, but what about the woman he's in contact with? Well, she's been seen with another guy and she'll tease my cousin from time to time, when, just from observation, is just hitting him up for money for her singing gigs.

The last example, me. I've only been in one serious relationship before in my life, and I don't ask for a whole lot when it comes that. My biggest issue has been my confidence, and I should have worked on it a long time ago. There have been many women, in my life, that I had considered to be "The One", only to fool myself. The latest woman was a pastor's daughter. Same faith, age, ideology, and activities. I had known her for almost a year and I had gathered the courage to ask her out. The answer she gave, however, was half baked, but I thought it was her being shy because of a previous relationship she had been in a year prior. Week later, while I was at work, found her on the street with a guy that was her boyfriend she didn't tell me about. We haven't talked since. I fooled myself into believing that this was going to be the winner, just like the other women before her. I haven't looked for anyone else since then and have been only focusing on what I enjoy. However, since I had picked up ballroom dancing, I have talked to more women and been having more fun as a result of not looking for anyone.

So all three examples all had the same theme, the pursuit of "The One" person. All three guys failed or are failing miserably. The problem that we run into is when we try to custom build the ideal person for us. It's not just men either. There are plenty of women who do the same thing. It's understandable why people have prerequisites when looking for "The One" because they want to be happy. However, there have been stories of people who had found those kind of people only to end up with heartbreak and depression. After that, time moves along, someone else pops up in their lives, might not check off all the requirements, and, before they know it, they're happily married. Many of them for a long time and have stayed married to that same person.

In case if anyone is wondering if I had met anyone in particular while going up to the dance studio: in a sense, I have. What this means is I don't know how I feel about it. This woman is probably in her mid-late 40s, a grandma, very attractive for her age (admittedly), and she always seeks me out when it comes to she and I dancing, as well as talking. She's very nice and has been good to my younger brother who has autism (and also goes with me). I've actually been trying to get my friend Thom or my cousin John to go and talk to this woman. However, I don't think they'll do it. Thom's reason would be because she has kids (which he actually told me recently about this woman), although they're adults now and out of the house, in addition to she's too old because she's almost 50 (even though she doesn't look like it at all). John's reason would be because he's still talking to the other woman, even though that's going no where, and he too has been going to the same place and has met this grandmother and agrees she's very nice and attractive, but he'll be stubborn about it and not go for it more than likely. Either way, I'll continue to talk to, at least, one of them to get to know (and maybe even go out with) her. I think they're missing out, especially with someone who's in roller derby and gets to travel (she can fight their battles).

To conclude, don't pursue anyone you think is "The One" because they mark all your checkboxes. They may end up being making you appear desperate. The best thing you can do is focus on your life. If there is someone out there for you, they will more than likely surface. These kind of things happen when you least expect it. Keep on living your life. In mine, all I can say is whatever happens-happens. If there is someone out there for me, great. If not, that's okay too. I'm enjoying life now and happy. I hope you take this post to heart because maybe "The One" person may be someone you'd least expect and not meet all your requirements. I hope this helpful, don't try the nice person nor the bad person. Be the best person you can be!

[CaliforniaGirl]

It kind of sounds to me like all three of you are actually coming up with excuses just not to have relationships. Lots of people want The One, that's natural, IMO. You want just one person to be close to, to live life with. But when impossible standards are imposed, one has to wonder why. 

Honestly I can't see why the woman in your own example simply not being attracted meant you were searching for The One and were somehow wrong for that. Lots of people will tick off general boxes but just won't feel "it" for one another.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Herkamer said:

To conclude, don't pursue anyone you think is "The One" because they mark all your checkboxes. 

Agree. "the one", "twin flame", "soulmate" etc. seem based more on myth than reality.

[smackie9]

I had plenty "the one" well felt like it...twin flame? Not sure what that is, a passion connection? sure lots of times,....soulmate, well that would be my husband Even my GF repeatedly said we were soulmates lol

Edited June 30, 2021 by smackie9

[Ami1uwant]

There isn’t “ the one”. Everyone has faults.

[CaliforniaGirl]

49 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

There isn’t “ the one”. Everyone has faults.

I don't think the idea is finding a faultless person, I think it's about finding the right person for you. I never saw "the one" as literally just one person (weird and counterintuitive though that may sound). IOW, I don't think it means the ONLY one. Anyone, no matter how special,  is going to have any number of people who will really really really click.

That's just always been my view of this idea. I don't know about the twin flames thing. That's probably a bridge too far for me.

Now...your saying this...could it be because that's what the examples above seem to be...not looking for "the right one" or "the right person" but looking for an imaginary somehow perfect person? That, I don't personally believe in.

To me the three examples seemed to be about subconsciously trying to keep people away. Finding any little fault. Or in the third example: the woman's big "fault" and apparently what she somehow did wrong, was just not be attracted. I mean...I don't see how that fits into any of this, TBH. That's just somebody not being attracted.

[Herkamer]

11 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I don't think the idea is finding a faultless person, I think it's about finding the right person for you. I never saw "the one" as literally just one person (weird and counterintuitive though that may sound). IOW, I don't think it means the ONLY one. Anyone, no matter how special,  is going to have any number of people who will really really really click.

That's just always been my view of this idea. I don't know about the twin flames thing. That's probably a bridge too far for me.

Now...your saying this...could it be because that's what the examples above seem to be...not looking for "the right one" or "the right person" but looking for an imaginary somehow perfect person? That, I don't personally believe in.

To me the three examples seemed to be about subconsciously trying to keep people away. Finding any little fault. Or in the third example: the woman's big "fault" and apparently what she somehow did wrong, was just not be attracted. I mean...I don't see how that fits into any of this, TBH. That's just somebody not being attracted.

The third example was me, and I should have picked up on her signal earlier, although it was harder to pick up on. The people at her father's congregation and myself all thought she was single. At the time, when I asked her out, her answer seemed off because it didn't sound like a 'no', but to be fair it didn't sound like a 'yes' either. I'm not as experienced in the realm of dating as others, but where I'm at in life, I should be, so I should have just let it go then moved on from her. But I didn't, and that was a mistake, then I found out, when I wasn't expecting to see her, that she was with someone in a very awkward moment.

I don't know if I said, nor implied, she was at fault (if I did, I misspoke and was wrong), but if she was at all, she could have told me she was seeing someone at the time and I wouldn't had worried about it as much and found myself in a very embarrassing and uncomfortable situation for both of us. But, even then, I should have taken her answer as a 'no' ultimately because of how bizarre of an answer it was to me, at the time. Since then, though, I've learned from it and accepted that if a woman doesn't give a 'yes' answer when I'm asking them out, it's a 'no' and move on.

I just wanted to clarify the example of myself, and where that fits in to all this is I was pushing others away and focused more on one person. Plus I wanted to add someone context to it, in an attempt to give people an idea on how wrong I was based on that personal experience. So you're correct in saying that we did push others away. I shouldn't have done that and I'm trying to, I guess, fix that problem by being with other people. Since I have been going to this ballroom studio, I couldn't tell how much happier and more confident I am than where I was. Right now, I'm just focusing on me and what I can continue to do to improve myself. TBH, I don't know if I will ever be with anyone after each failure I've had, but that's okay. I've got friends and new friends I'm now doing things with, while not clinging on and hoping that there will be that "One" person. If someone does come along, I really like them even when they don't check all my boxes, that's fine by me because I realize no one's perfect, and I don't push others away because of it.

The other two guys, I don't know what their futures look like. My cousin, John, at least has a higher and a little more of a realistic set of checkboxes, and he actually wants to do stuff. All he has to do is continue coming with me to these social events (that are fun) to meet new people, which it looks like he's going to, so I'm hoping and praying he stays with it. Hopefully, it'll get him to move on from the woman he's been telling me about.

Now, Thom is a bit of a different story. The problem is his confidence level is extremely low when it comes to dealing with women. He starts talking to a woman and he feels the need to continue to talk. It's as if he's trying to impress them with this wealth of knowledge he has, but almost comes off as a know-it-all. I don't think it's his intention to do so, but it's something I notice when he gets a little nervous. Whenever he wants me to go with him to these bars and places where there are young women, it's as if he wants me to go talk to them so he can join in and take over. In other words, he's scared to talk to women by himself and needs someone to get him set up. I understand being a little shy, but I can't just get him with someone that night. That's impossible with the way he wants do it. And the type of women he likes don't have the same interest in guys like us. In the end, when it comes to women, he talks a good game, but doesn't perform well and has some unrealistic expectations.

This isn't a bash on Thom, and he is a good guy. However, he's not allowing others who could make him very happy into his life, like the woman (his age) I met at the ballroom. I talked to him the other night about her, and he was trying to swat it down. I'm also beginning to suspect that he's afraid of dating people his age because he thinks it will give people the impression that he's an old fart, even though he and this woman look very youthful for their age. So there's that possibility, but I would rather him be happy than running around trying to find the young, hot model.

[glows]

The key word in all this is realistic. I don't believe in the one, never did believe in it even while engaged or married. Do you know where this idea came from? Was it something that you heard your family talk about a lot or is it a huge ideal where you are? You can deconstruct that and take it apart from its origins and continue revising what a compatible partner means to you. 

[Herkamer]

1 hour ago, glows said:

The key word in all this is realistic. I don't believe in the one, never did believe in it even while engaged or married. Do you know where this idea came from? Was it something that you heard your family talk about a lot or is it a huge ideal where you are? You can deconstruct that and take it apart from its origins and continue revising what a compatible partner means to you. 

Yes to all this, and I have found good people that get themselves trapped in the concept of "The One." Sure, they have higher standards and want someone who they can rely on and live a happy life with, but, all too often, they find themselves trying to custom build someone who will never exist. Reality will tell you that there will be faults, there will be issues that will arise, not everyone will like the person you chose because of certain qualities. It just doesn't work that way. Along with the word 'realistic', the other phrase that you used, that's also key and hits it on the head, compatible. You may find the ideal person, but if you're not compatible, you're in for some serious disappointment.

[CaliforniaGirl]

17 minutes ago, Herkamer said:

Yes to all this, and I have found good people that get themselves trapped in the concept of "The One." Sure, they have higher standards and want someone who they can rely on and live a happy life with, but, all too often, they find themselves trying to custom build someone who will never exist. Reality will tell you that there will be faults, there will be issues that will arise, not everyone will like the person you chose because of certain qualities. It just doesn't work that way. Along with the word 'realistic', the other phrase that you used, that's also key and hits it on the head, compatible. You may find the ideal person, but if you're not compatible, you're in for some serious disappointment.

This can happen for sure, but in my experience...pretty much all of the people I know first-hand who say they have found "the one" and got married or whatever, are very normal people with very normal mates. They didn't mean some unrealistic ideal when they said "the one," they meant the one for them.

I think what you're focusing on is more about people wanting perfection, or something unrealistic...not people wanting the person most suited to them.

[Miss Spider]

19 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

This can happen for sure, but in my experience...pretty much all of the people I know first-hand who say they have found "the one" and got married or whatever, are very normal people with very normal mates. They didn't mean some unrealistic ideal when they said "the one," they meant the one for them.

I think what you're focusing on is more about people wanting perfection, or something unrealistic...not people wanting the person most suited to them.

Agree. There’s typically a point in which idealism meets pragmaticism. And seeing as how most adult humans have been in a relationship at some point in their life, most people probably do settle for good enough. I think examples you gave are actually an exception — People so picky that they will only date someone with XYZ. Now, I know lots of people  that say theyre looking for XYZ, but noticed the people they date can be/tend to be very different. And I am not saying they are settling or not looking for “the one.” It just turned out that their “one” was not what they thought it would be on paper . There are also people that say they are looking for XYZ and won’t ‘settle’ until they find it as an excuse to stay single because deep down they prefer it that way. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

9 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Agree. There’s typically a point in which idealism meets pragmaticism. And seeing as how most adult humans have been in a relationship at some point in their life, most people probably do settle for good enough. I think examples you gave are actually an exception — People so picky that they will only date someone with XYZ. Now, I know lots of people  that say theyre looking for XYZ, but noticed the people they date can be/tend to be very different. And I am not saying they are settling or not looking for “the one.” It just turned out that their “one” was not what they thought it would be on paper . There are also people that say they are looking for XYZ and won’t ‘settle’ until they find it as an excuse to stay single because deep down they prefer it that way. 

It's not always "settling," though...I mean realistically, who wants to live with a person who's perfect all the time? That's going to get grating. Those first 18 months with Ned Flanders would result either in an unfortunate gardening accident where the lawn mower he was pushing unexpectedly blew up, or somebody running for the hills.  Bleh.

Most people want to be with...people. People they can share with, not sit back and stare at in admiration for 60 years.

Re: their "one" was not what they thought it would be on paper...exactly. When we're 14 we think we know "exactly what we want" in a future mate down to eye color and future career. But life surprises us. Some things really DON'T matter, but we don't know that until we've dated for a bit.

Edited July 1, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl

[Herkamer]

21 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

This can happen for sure, but in my experience...pretty much all of the people I know first-hand who say they have found "the one" and got married or whatever, are very normal people with very normal mates. They didn't mean some unrealistic ideal when they said "the one," they meant the one for them.

I think what you're focusing on is more about people wanting perfection, or something unrealistic...not people wanting the person most suited to them.

Not to come off as snarky nor short, but that's what I've been implying the whole time. What I meant by "The One" is people finding perfect, instead of finding someone who's actually compatible with them. So, again, I don't disagree with you at all. You are correct in what you're saying, unrealistic expectations and the belief that there is the one person for each person out there that's actually compatible. Sorry if I'm coming off rude, but I feel as if you were missing what I was trying to get at.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, Herkamer said:

Not to come off as snarky nor short, but that's what I've been implying the whole time. What I meant by "The One" is people finding perfect, instead of finding someone who's actually compatible with them. So, again, I don't disagree with you at all. You are correct in what you're saying, unrealistic expectations and the belief that there is the one person for each person out there that's actually compatible. Sorry if I'm coming off rude, but I feel as if you were missing what I was trying to get at.

Okay. No, this isn't rude at all! It makes sense. 

[Ami1uwant]

3 minutes ago, Herkamer said:

Not to come off as snarky nor short, but that's what I've been implying the whole time. What I meant by "The One" is people finding perfect, instead of finding someone who's actually compatible with them. So, again, I don't disagree with you at all. You are correct in what you're saying, unrealistic expectations and the belief that there is the one person for each person out there that's actually compatible. Sorry if I'm coming off rude, but I feel as if you were missing what I was trying to get at.

By what you are saying....I’d interpret it as being a satisfier...not a maximizer.

[CaliforniaGirl]

23 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

By what you are saying....I’d interpret it as being a satisfier...not a maximizer.

What does this mean?

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

What does this mean?

Economic theory to making choices...applies easily to dating

 

a maximizer wants the perfect 110% match. They will examine e erroneous  possible passing over some very good prospects.

 

a satusyer chooses ltrs basedon satisfying some minimum constraints such as being 80%+ matches that complements them. They might have faults but they can live with them.  On dating they aren’t quick to dismiss someone on date 1 but dates 2-3 dates Thrn decide.