Guy calls ex right after sex

[Vicky876]

Well. If this isn't a red flag then I don't know what is, nevertheless I'm so utterly knocked over by this that I don't know what to feel. In short:

This guy (32) and I (f/34) knew eachother for about 7 years through social media and texted intensively for the past 8 months and met three times for a walk (pandemic and we live a few hours apart). I really started to like him, we made eachother laugh all the time, texted daily, told all the events and things we had throughout the day. The texts became innocently more flirtatious lately and we decided to meet again, at his place this time. We had a splendid afternoon, fun and laughter. We kissed, made out and eventually had sex, which was wonderful and I thought it was a dream coming true. BUT afterwards he:

- started a conversation about his ex (which he mentioned before and that they had a close bond), and that they'd had an open relationship and are still very close. Quote: "We kinda have a relationship, but without the sex"

- Suddenly he says: I'd better call her. And hangs on the phone with her for about 20min. 

- After the phonecall he is distant and distracted, hardly making contact with me anymore. 

And then: I lay in bed next to him and find a hair elastic which is not mine and he only said: "Oh I think I know who's it is" . He fell asleep and I decided to sleep on the couch after staring at the ceiling for an hour. Couldn't sleep on the couch either. Waited till 6 'o clock in the morning and said goodbye (he said: "Ok") and left. 

I texted him and said I hated this and didn't understand what was happening. I also said: take good care of yourself and bye. He texted back that he was 'surprised' and would really, really, really hate it if we'd never see each other again because it really meant something to him. I went home, walked 40 min in a strange town for a subwaystation, and finally the train to my home. No sleep. No text from him whatsoever whether I came home allright. I'm actually shocked by the lack of decency and courtesy. And also I haven't had any form of explanation or apology. He first started that I might have a problem with his ex and I said: really, I also would have hated it if you'd call your mother, best friend or second uncle right after sex. Anyway, it was very hard to make him understand so I. Broke. Contact. 

And now I'm heartbroken. I feel like an idiot. I feel betrayed. I feel confused. Somehow I think somethings wrong with me now I've broken contact, that I should have been more understanding. And something within me says: this was such weird, inappropriate, inhospitable, immature behaviour of him. And if he doesnt see that, then, hell, I'm not raising him. And yet, I feel unworthy and so, so sad. I said I didn't want contact anymore and that what happened actually killed the spontaneity and fun in our conversations. Obviously he doesn't respond whatsoever. I miss him terribly. 

So, I guess I basically need some consultation :'(. I feel like I'm not worthy a damn s***... What are your thoughts on this...? :S

  

 

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

Why didn't you say something RIGHT THEN?

Why are people so afraid to speak up?

How about "You're kidding. You're calling an ex...after you just slept with me? Do you feel that's healthy? Is this usual for you?" Or whatever.

And you didn't WALK OUT? You hung out there listening to him talk to his ex for 20 minutes while you stared at someone else's hair tie on the bed? 

I don't even know what to say. I am literally speechless. About his calling the ex - yes. But perhaps even more so, that you lay there on the bed through the whole thing and until he nodded peacefully off.

What. The...........

People amaze me.

[norealusername]

Forget this guy. He's telling you he had an open relationship with his ex because that's what he wants with you. Or you can call it FWB, whatever. I'm sure he's still having sex with the ex also. He sounds like a total creep. 

[Miss Spider]

Yea that seems super weird to me, but I guess but consistent with people who do “open relationships” … Not many boundaries. I doubt you’re gonna find your fairy tale ending here. 

Edited June 30, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[CaliforniaGirl]

11 minutes ago, norealusername said:

Forget this guy. He's telling you he had an open relationship with his ex because that's what he wants with you. Or you can call it FWB, whatever. I'm sure he's still having sex with the ex also. He sounds like a total creep. 

I don't think he said he's in an open relationship. He said they're in a relationship "without the sex." Which seems more like. he wishes they were still together, and he is so focused on her that he can't stop thinking about here, even minutes after sex with someone else.

JMO.

[Calmandfocused]

100% agree with CG. 
 

But I’ll add that the signs were all there way before this incident. 

The things he TOLD you were simply plain weird. The way he behaved during and after his relationship was plain weird. He is weird! 
 

Add into the mix the distance and the fact that he had made little effort to see you in 8 months…. I love it how flakers are using covid as an excuse to be flakey. 
 

Yet you ignored all of this and slept with him anyway? And then … . What California Girl said. 
 

Look you need to stand up for yourself more. He treated you very badly, but unfortunately with your permission. 
 

Poppy mentioned something in another thread about seeking validation from within not from loser guys like this one. Take her advice. 
 

And do not let the behaviour of one bozo affect how you feel about yourself. The main thing to do here is learn from this experience. 
 

 

[norealusername]

3 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I don't think he said he's in an open relationship. He said they're in a relationship "without the sex." Which seems more like. he wishes they were still together, and he is so focused on her that he can't stop thinking about here, even minutes after sex with someone else.

JMO.

He said ---- "and that they'd had an open relationship and are still very close"

I think he's just priming her for another open relationship. He obviously recently had sex with some other woman, given the hair tie in the bed, maybe it was the ex or someone else.

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, norealusername said:

He said ---- "and that they'd had an open relationship and are still very close"

I think he's just priming her for another open relationship. He obviously recently had sex with some other woman, given the hair tie in the bed, maybe it was the ex or someone else.

 

They'd had...I took that as past tense. It seems to me (just guessing here) that she was pulling away, she gave him some blah-blah about "let's explore our options" as a way to ease him down...then finally she did break up with him. Just because the above is stated as past tense. It seems like maybe he's living some sort of fantasy that they'll be back together.

He could be priming her for an open relationship...who knows...but he said outright he and the ex aren't having sex.

Whatever he may or may not be doing, the whole thing is...insane. Calling the ex immediately after sex...that's just sick. The OP did say she's breaking things off with him. Although it hurts as she knew him for years and thought they were on the same page, that's likely for the best. She can leave this guy to his twisting in the wind pining for someone who won't sleep with him; that's fine. That's his choice.

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry to hear this occurred to you.

Fortunately, you're not as nasty or compulsive as the person with whom you've had the unfortunate pleasure of sleeping with.

 

[norealusername]

2 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

They'd had...I took that as past tense. It seems to me (just guessing here) that she was pulling away, she gave him some blah-blah about "let's explore our options" as a way to ease him down...then finally she did break up with him. Just because the above is stated as past tense. It seems like maybe he's living some sort of fantasy that they'll be back together.

He could be priming her for an open relationship...who knows...but he said outright he and the ex aren't having sex.

Whatever he may or may not be doing, the whole thing is...insane. Calling the ex immediately after sex...that's just sick. The OP did say she's breaking things off with him. Although it hurts as she knew him for years and thought they were on the same page, that's likely for the best. She can leave this guy to his twisting in the wind pining for someone who won't sleep with him; that's fine. That's his choice.

You might be right, I didn't think of it like that. He's still been having sex with someone since he last washed the sheets. And his actions are creepy.

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 minutes ago, norealusername said:

You might be right, I didn't think of it like that. He's still been having sex with someone since he last washed the sheets. And his actions are creepy.

Yup, most likely. Unless he's lying around putting her old hair ties to his face and going "Sara...Saraaaaaa...."

Okay, now I've creeped myself out. Maybe I should just be working instead of messing around on LS.

[Amanda92]

Be strong and don't contact him again. I try imagine how humiliating it was. Find someone who respects you because you deserve it.

[Vicky876]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Why didn't you say something RIGHT THEN?

Why are people so afraid to speak up?

How about "You're kidding. You're calling an ex...after you just slept with me? Do you feel that's healthy? Is this usual for you?" Or whatever.

And you didn't WALK OUT? You hung out there listening to him talk to his ex for 20 minutes while you stared at someone else's hair tie on the bed? 

I know, and I sure wish I had, but I was just stunned and in disbelief, couldn’t believe what was happening. I’m not immediately that selfassure or assertive. But girl, thanks for your honest response . You’re absolutely right that I should have walked out when I could.

[Vicky876]

43 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

100% agree with CG. 
 

But I’ll add that the signs were all there way before this incident. 

The things he TOLD you were simply plain weird. The way he behaved during and after his relationship was plain weird. He is weird! 
 

Add into the mix the distance and the fact that he had made little effort to see you in 8 months…. I love it how flakers are using covid as an excuse to be flakey. 
 

Yet you ignored all of this and slept with him anyway? And then … . What California Girl said. 
 

Look you need to stand up for yourself more. He treated you very badly, but unfortunately with your permission. 
 

Poppy mentioned something in another thread about seeking validation from within not from loser guys like this one. Take her advice. 
 

And do not let the behaviour of one bozo affect how you feel about yourself. The main thing to do here is learn from this experience. 
 

 

Thanks so much

[glows]

You're on the right track, Vicky. Move on. You were probably too much in shock as you misjudged him. Leave him alone and absolutely delete and block his contact. What a joke.

[Johnjohnson2017]

1 hour ago, Vicky876 said:

Well. If this isn't a red flag then I don't know what is, nevertheless I'm so utterly knocked over by this that I don't know what to feel. In short:

This guy (32) and I (f/34) knew eachother for about 7 years through social media and texted intensively for the past 8 months and met three times for a walk (pandemic and we live a few hours apart). I really started to like him, we made eachother laugh all the time, texted daily, told all the events and things we had throughout the day. The texts became innocently more flirtatious lately and we decided to meet again, at his place this time. We had a splendid afternoon, fun and laughter. We kissed, made out and eventually had sex, which was wonderful and I thought it was a dream coming true. BUT afterwards he:

- started a conversation about his ex (which he mentioned before and that they had a close bond), and that they'd had an open relationship and are still very close. Quote: "We kinda have a relationship, but without the sex"

- Suddenly he says: I'd better call her. And hangs on the phone with her for about 20min. 

- After the phonecall he is distant and distracted, hardly making contact with me anymore. 

And then: I lay in bed next to him and find a hair elastic which is not mine and he only said: "Oh I think I know who's it is" . He fell asleep and I decided to sleep on the couch after staring at the ceiling for an hour. Couldn't sleep on the couch either. Waited till 6 'o clock in the morning and said goodbye (he said: "Ok") and left. 

I texted him and said I hated this and didn't understand what was happening. I also said: take good care of yourself and bye. He texted back that he was 'surprised' and would really, really, really hate it if we'd never see each other again because it really meant something to him. I went home, walked 40 min in a strange town for a subwaystation, and finally the train to my home. No sleep. No text from him whatsoever whether I came home allright. I'm actually shocked by the lack of decency and courtesy. And also I haven't had any form of explanation or apology. He first started that I might have a problem with his ex and I said: really, I also would have hated it if you'd call your mother, best friend or second uncle right after sex. Anyway, it was very hard to make him understand so I. Broke. Contact. 

And now I'm heartbroken. I feel like an idiot. I feel betrayed. I feel confused. Somehow I think somethings wrong with me now I've broken contact, that I should have been more understanding. And something within me says: this was such weird, inappropriate, inhospitable, immature behaviour of him. And if he doesnt see that, then, hell, I'm not raising him. And yet, I feel unworthy and so, so sad. I said I didn't want contact anymore and that what happened actually killed the spontaneity and fun in our conversations. Obviously he doesn't respond whatsoever. I miss him terribly. 

So, I guess I basically need some consultation :'(. I feel like I'm not worthy a damn s***... What are your thoughts on this...? :S

  

 

 

Did you ever talk to him about being exclusive ? Maybe he talked you just had a FWB situation. You assumed he was totally single and that he was looking for a LTR like you were. You were wrong. He made it clear after sex that he just wants a hookup with you and also be free to see any other women.

You had 8 months to ask him for exclusivity before having sex with him, assuming that's what you wanted.

You will not change him. He will always be looking for the next hookup. He will never be a faithful guy. You have to decide if you are ok with being a FWB.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Vicky876 said:

We kissed, made out and eventually had sex, which was wonderful and I thought it was a dream coming true. BUT afterwards he:

- started a conversation about his ex (which he mentioned before and that they had a close bond), and that they'd had an open relationship and are still very close. Quote: "We kinda have a relationship, but without the sex"

Re the bolded, next time a man mentions something like this, pay close attention, do not dismiss. 

Ask questions if you have to.  Not an interrogation, but if/when a man mentions that he has a close bond with an EX, ask what he means by "close bond," and if he still has feelings. 

He may not straight out admit it, but IMO, the mere fact he's telling you this reflects there still must be some feelings there.... and there may be more "going on" than what he's leading you to believe.

Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions, it's your heart and your life.

To me, it's not so much that a man is still friends with his ex, many men are, many women are.  I am still friends with one of my ex's.

What matters to me is the extent of that "friendship," and his vibe/energy when telling you about it and how often he mentions it.  Telling you they have a "close bond," well, that's a bit more than a friendship imo.  

It does not mean you have to dump him necessarily, but at least you're aware so if you choose to move forward and something like this happens, you're somewhat prepared for it, it's not a total shock to your system like it is now...

Knowledge is power.

I'm really sorry this happened and best of luck moving forward.

Time does heal, and I speak from experience when I say that.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 30, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

I'm sorry to hear this occurred to you.

Fortunately, you're not as nasty or compulsive as the person with whom you've had the unfortunate pleasure of sleeping with.

Agree. He seems sleazy. You dodged a bullet.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Unless he's lying around putting her old hair ties to his face and going "Sara...Saraaaaaa...."

That would be bad, LOL.

OP, it sounds like if you're looking for a monogamous relationship then this guy is not for you. So believe you can end things without second thoughts or regrets. C'est la vie.

Edited June 30, 2021 by mark clemson

[smackie9]

No not very classy of him, but in his mind it was consensual casual sex, maybe FWB,...which it was because you were not exclusive. You misinterpreted his intentions, plus you can't possible know someone all that well from texting and meeting up a couple of times. Next time talk of exclusivity before sex or acknowledge what "this is" before hopping into the sack to protect yourself from falling into this type of trap. This guy is a total jerk. You shouldn't be missing him for anything.

Edited June 30, 2021 by smackie9

[Snow_Queen]

What an awful thing to experience. He wasn’t even a little tactful about it. I’m not so sure she was his ex from what you’ve described. I suspect he’s still in an open relationship with her. Maybe that’s why he mentioned his “close bond” with her.

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, Vicky876 said:

And something within me says: this was such weird, inappropriate, inhospitable, immature behaviour of him.

Absolutely, all of the above.  I note he brought up his ex after he'd charmed you into bed. He also told you he thought you might have a problem with his ex, and that's because any self-respecting woman would have a big problem with the spectre of the ex in bed with you, and every other woman he's had an involvement with has had a problem with it. He's at best an insensitive buffoon, at worst a manipulative creep. 

[Andy_K]

Immediately after sex he told you he'd been in an open relationship with his ex.... this is his way of clearly saying that sex isn't something he considers particularly reserved only for special people in his life, or something he has any boundaries for. In other words, don't get into relationship mode. 

[Vicky876]

4 hours ago, norealusername said:

He said ---- "and that they'd had an open relationship and are still very close"

I think he's just priming her for another open relationship. He obviously recently had sex with some other woman, given the hair tie in the bed, maybe it was the ex or someone else.

 

Yes… I was so disgusted when I found it, just lying there next to me. And his response as if it was completely normal. He was opting for it, the open thing. I reckon that he’s still so emotionally tight to his ex, that an open relationship for him is the only way to keep that string attached. I actually texted him right after I left that I felt he isn’t emotionally mature/standing on his own two feet emotionally. He thought it was crazy what I said, but added that it wás like that, but not now . It was most likely her hair tie. He is not quite the charmer, doesn’t have loads of girls chasing him. 

[Vicky876]

1 hour ago, Snow_Queen said:

What an awful thing to experience. He wasn’t even a little tactful about it. I’m not so sure she was his ex from what you’ve described. I suspect he’s still in an open relationship with her. Maybe that’s why he mentioned his “close bond” with her.

Well, at least it’s a strong emotional attachment / dependancy and I bet she enjoys it as well. I literally felt stuck there, just had to wait untill public transport was open. It was humiliating and degrading. And in some way I indeed have to blame it on my own naivity. He was so thoughtful, kind and attentive in our previous contact, I just couldn’t believe this other side of him. 
 

Thanks so much for your response