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My girlfriend has gotten close to a co-worker, is this something worth dumping over?

CarAndZam

By CarAndZam
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CarAndZam Established Member

CarAndZam

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I’m 23 and she’s 20, just for context I guess. 

My girl has gotten a bit close with a co-worker, kind of. I don’t know if they hang out outside of work, but I do know they’re friendly. She works at a coffee shop. 

You see, my girl doesn’t know who to drive. I don’t want to drive her cause I myself work to, and plus I can’t afford to spend that much gas haha she lives across town. 

So she usually Ubers her way to work. Sometimes she’ll Uber her way back home, other times she get’s rides from her co-worker. From what I understand, she’ll get a ride from either her manager, who’s a girl, as other times from a male co worker who I believe is around my age. She’ll only get a ride if they close together, otherwise she’ll Uber, or s*** sometimes she’ll ask me to pick her up and we’ll eat lunch. 

Now when I was told this, I felt slight insecurity and jealousy, but didn’t say anything. In truth I don’t like feeling that way and try my very best to not let things get to me, try to be confident and secure. Eventually I forgot all about it and didn’t really care, I trust her. Makes sense to get a ride from a coworker rather than spend money on Uber. 

Only today we went out. Eating breast fast, then she casually mentions to be that her co-worker who usually gives her rides was hungry when they closed, so he decided to get some food before dropping her off. And offered her to pay for her food. So they together picked up some food. She didn’t eat but she did accept some ice cream or smoothie or something. Pretty sure they ate together regardless. 

I didn’t really react much, nodding my head or whatever to her story, telling me she was disappointed by her smoothie or whatever. 

In truth I’m not sure how I should be reacting, nor do I understand why she’s telling me that she went out with a co-worker. I mean it get either be 1. her trying to get me jealous 2. Testing my boundaries and seeing how I would react 3. Mentions it because she feels it’s the respectful things to do and doesn’t want me to find out another way. 

It’s worth mentioning that she’s invite me to her work often to get me a cookie or some ice cream or whatever. We’ll wait in line together holding hands or each other. So the coworker definitely knows we’re together. I’ve seen him a couple times. And he’s seen me. 

Now again I don’t enjoy being jealous, nor insecure. I’m not very used to. When I feel it I try my best to get over and revert back to a feeling of “indifference” and accepting things as they are. 

How should I proceed? Are my feelings getting the better of me? Or is this something worth being concerned. I definitely don’t want to be that controlling boyfriend, and refuse to be the “I don’t want you to hang out with him or her” type of person. So depending on the advice on where I may just dump her, accept the loss and move on. It is what it is, can’t live life too attached. It’ll hurt for a while but hey part of life right? What do you all think?

ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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1 hour ago, CarAndZam said:

So depending on the advice on where I may just dump her, accept the loss and move on. It is what it is, can’t live life too attached. It’ll hurt for a while but hey part of life right? What do you all think?

You don't sound like you have very strong feelings for her to begin with, if you are talking about dumping her so casually.

She didn't even actually do anything; she didn't cheat; she literally just let a co-worker drive her home and they stopped and got some food on the way home.  It sounds pretty innocent to me.  But it sounds like you are really not that into this relationship, in which case maybe it's better if you just end it so she can find someone who is a better match for her.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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She didn't do anything wrong. She can't stop having a social life or stop interacting with the male species all together because you are her BF. You are over reacting. The guy was hungry, had to stop somewhere for food and offered something to her out of being polite. It's called having manners. It was totally innocent. If you look at every guy she interacts with as a threat, you are going to drive yourself cray cray. Snap out of it, and get your jealousy under control.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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1 hour ago, CarAndZam said:

Are my feelings getting the better of me?

Yes. 

You are really over-reacting. Are you prone to catastrophic thinking? Why assume the worst and that she's trying to test you or make you jealous? 

She got a ride home from him and they happened to grab a bite along the way. Chill. 

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Sounds like your GF is being transparent.  Her above board behavior is no reason for you to break up with her.  If it bugs you that she gets rides from collages, you need to start driving her around more or teaching her to drive.  Perhaps arrange something so you can meet the co-worker.  

If you continue on this jealous suspicious path where you don't trust her, that may be a good reason for her to break up with you.  

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Co-workers carpool. It's a fact of life. Just relax.

If you start acting jealous/insecure it's a huge turn-off.

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Uruktopi Established Member

Uruktopi

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Nothing of what you told us about her interactions with her coworker seems, in my personal view, problematic.

 

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SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

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9 hours ago, CarAndZam said:

... What do you all think?

She is being honest with you.  You can't give her a ride, or don't want to, so instead of spending money on Uber (which certainly must be more than the price of gas) she gets a ride with a co-worker. 

I am not certain how much gas costs, or the fuel efficiency of your vehicle, but if you had the time to drive her you are just sending the message she is of less value to you than a liter or two of gas.  If you really are that strapped for cash, you should work extra hard on making her feel important in other ways.  

Edited by SumGuy
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FudgeSwirl Established Member

FudgeSwirl

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I agree with everybody else.   You are letting your jealousy get the best of you which in the long run damages most relationships.  Her relationship with her male coworker sounds normal and them getting food together isn't out of the norm.  People carpool to work all the time and when that happens every once in a while you might go for a cup of coffee on the way to work or stop for something to eat on the way home.  The fact that she is very open about her interactions with this male coworker goes to show she is being upfront.  If she truly were having an inappropriate relationship with him she would instead hide it from you and would be able to do so easily since you don't live together.

If you cannot keep your insecurities at bay,  I agree with @d0nnivainthat she very well might break up with you because there is no point in staying in a relationship where your partner doesn't trust you.

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CarAndZam Established Member

CarAndZam

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Thanks guys for the advice.

 

yeah like I said I really didn’t mind the carpooling aspect of this. Honestly. I know I was being jealous and believe me I’m being VERY hard on myself that I’ve gotten to this point. We’ve dated a year and a half, been official for half a year, and never really felt intense insecurity and jealousy so that’s why this is getting to me, I’m not even used to it. I hate when I allow myself to feel in a negative way, whether it’s sadness, anger, jealousy, etc. 

you guys are right, I should it let it go for now, but I just admit I will be a bit on guard. It wasn’t so much the carpooling that bothered me, that’s been going on for a good while now. What bothered is the date-like scenario in which she put herself in. She gets out at 10:30 at night; and they go out to eat. I’m sure you all can understand why it’s got me a bit edge.

 

but there’s nothing I can do, and maybe because there’s nothing I SHOULD anyway. I’m not going to be that controlling bf who starts telling her what to do. Never ever, I will never allow myself to reach that point. That’s why I considered dumping her first as oppose to talk about it... cause I can never live with myself if I become that type of person. 
 

I think I need to start hitting the gym hard now haha. Maybe my insecurities will go away to some iron. 

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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GF stands in line with you holding your hand in front of coworker. This is honest behavior.

Yes, young people go to lunch together at jobs, snacks together, take cigarette breaks. Frankly this is workers of all ages. Coworkers bond ... for lunch for food after work, for rides, for advice and on and on.

So you're feeling threatened here, it seems. Are you worried that your gf is going to cheat with the coworker?

What exactly are you worried about? 

MsJayne Established Member

MsJayne

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She's not texting him, she's not talking about him all the time, and she didn't go out with him, he just happened to get something to eat after work. She's just getting a lift sometimes, and that's a good thing because it saves her money on Ubers. Even if she's trying to make you jealous, that's because she loves you. I wouldn't go into panic mode yet, you save that for when he starts texting her or hovering around her social media. 

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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6 hours ago, CarAndZam said:

She gets out at 10:30 at night; and they go out to eat. I’m sure you all can understand why it’s got me a bit edge.

Acutally, no, not really. 

This wasn't a date-like scenario. This was co-workers grabbing a quick bite on their way home from a shift. 

I would ask yourself where this insecurity is really coming from, and why your first thought was: DUMP! You're in fight-or-flight mode for some reason and I doubt it's all about having some grub on a ride home from work. 

Have you always generally been rather anxious and fearful in relationships? 

18 hours ago, CarAndZam said:

my girl doesn’t know who to drive

By the way, is she planning on learning to drive?

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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8 hours ago, CarAndZam said:

. She gets out at 10:30 at night; and they go out to eat. I’m sure you all can understand why it’s got me a bit edge.

She's making less than the CEO of the coffee shop, yes?

Then accepting whatever rides she can get is fine, no?

Will she develop a rapport with coworkers? Yes. Is it romance? Probably not.

Will your controlling possessive attitude drive her away? Yes.

Into his arms? Not necessarily. You're botching this up fine on your own.

Edited by Wiseman2
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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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9 hours ago, CarAndZam said:

She gets out at 10:30 at night; and they go out to eat. I’m sure you all can understand why it’s got me a bit edge.

 

but there’s nothing I can do, and maybe because there’s nothing I SHOULD anyway. I’m not going to be that controlling bf who starts telling her what to do. Never ever, I will never allow myself to reach that point. That’s why I considered dumping her first as oppose to talk about it... cause I can never live with myself if I become that type of person. 

No I don't understand why it has you "on edge".  After working, her colleague was hungry.  They ate food together.  They didn't plan to go to dinner & dine by candlelight in a romantic setting.  They ate food.  They satisfied a basic human need.  

Your choice to dump her rather than talk is similarly baffling.  If it bothered you, own that.  Talk to her about your fears.  Let her reassure you.  Bottling it all up inside until you explode is not the right approach.  Hiding your emotions from your SO is not good.  Say your peace.  Let her hear you out & then talk about your relationship so that you can work together to establish boundaries in your relationship that you both agree on.  The my-way-or-the-highway controlling approach is bad but talking about whatever you are feeling, even insecure or jealous, helps you get a handle on the emotion 

It's not quite the same thing but my husband used to commute to work by train.  When the pandemic started before the lockdowns, fewer & fewer people were on his train.  He was taking & posting photos of him & 1-2 other people in a train car on the morning rush hour commute that was normally standing room only.  I was afraid for him on the train because we didn't know if Covid was spread through contact & nobody was wearing masks yet.  I begged him to drive to work.  He reasoned that he was safer on the train because now there were so few people on board where as the roads were even more jammed & he was likely to get in an accident.  Lockdowns ended our debate but my point is we discussed it.  

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CarAndZam Established Member

CarAndZam

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4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Acutally, no, not really. 

This wasn't a date-like scenario. This was co-workers grabbing a quick bite on their way home from a shift. 

I would ask yourself where this insecurity is really coming from, and why your first thought was: DUMP! You're in fight-or-flight mode for some reason and I doubt it's all about having some grub on a ride home from work. 

Have you always generally been rather anxious and fearful in relationships? 

By the way, is she planning on learning to drive?

I’ve never been in any relationship before actually. My first one, and for her too. Only difference being I took her virginity. I myself spent the couple before I met her casually hooking up with women, not really feeling intense feeling like I do for my girlfriend. I was never attached to a previous woman, so I never would get jealous or insecure or anything cause I flat out didn’t care. I was one of those “I’m never getting into a relationship “ type of people. So all of this is brand new to me, being with some for a long extended period of time. 
 

You asked if I’m an anxious or overthinking person by nature and yes absolutely! Not to get too personal, but I dont exactly have the ideal mental health. Maybe cause of bullied childhood, narcissistic mother and enabling father who should’ve gotten divorce, or some bad life decisions, I’m a 23 year old who suffers from lots of overthinking, loud mind. Pretty anxious person, with low self esteem and confident. Now I’m certainly doing better than I was a couple years ago due to some work I’ve done but generally these issues are definitely still there. And sometimes, though most of the time no, It’ll bleed through my relationship. Although I’m going to be honest with you this maybe the only time it’s happened... intensely 

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Ok, good insight. Work on yourself to build confidence.

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Noproblem Established Member

Noproblem

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I don't think you love her that much or care if she is in or out of your life. So, why stay together, you can end it now before it gets complicated. 

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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Keep working on that anxiety and the impact of the bullying. Not just for this situation or this relationship.

Work on your mental health (including therapy) because that anxiety will interfere with every part of your life if it's out of control. 

BeanCounter Established Member

BeanCounter

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Agree that breaking up is a pretty extreme decision based on absolutely no merit at this point. It's your insecurities that are causing this. I agree with @d0nnivain that you should discuss this with her. You've been together a year and a half, that's a long time, especially given how young you both are. Don't get angry, or upset, just present your insecurities and see how she handles it. Do not give an ultimatum, or demand that she stops this behavior - you need to make the conversation about you and how you are feeling, because her actions here are not wrong, it's how you're perceiving them and your fears.

I will say one thing, your insecurities aside, I would imagine it's highly likely there is at minimum mild interest from the coworker in question. I'd also be curious how far he is going out of his way to drive her home - you said she lives on the opposite side of town, and works at a coffee shop. With a coffee shop job, normally people are living pretty close by, because there are so many of them you could just get a job at the nearest one. If that's the case, and he lives very close to the coffee shop, and is driving a half hour to take her home every night, I think it's reasonable to conclude there is interest on his side other than "just being a good guy."

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I do share the concerns raised by @BeanCounter about the co-worker's level of interest.  I will also add that most 20 year old girls tend to gloss over a guy's true intentions after she has already put him in the friend-zone.  That said, she can only control her behavior & she's being above board.  

@CarAndZam when you to her about your feelings on the subject of the co-worker.  Ask Qs.  We know you think he's dastardly but you can't tell her that; it's too controlling.  Instead ask Qs.  Does she think it's possible he has a crush on her?  Why does he drive so far out of his way for her?  Given the price of gas, does she see him doing similar things for other co-workers.  Let her come to the conclusion that maybe she's missing something & needs to take more care not to inadvertently lead him on. 

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CarAndZam Established Member

CarAndZam

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36 minutes ago, BeanCounter said:

Agree that breaking up is a pretty extreme decision based on absolutely no merit at this point. It's your insecurities that are causing this. I agree with @d0nnivain that you should discuss this with her. You've been together a year and a half, that's a long time, especially given how young you both are. Don't get angry, or upset, just present your insecurities and see how she handles it. Do not give an ultimatum, or demand that she stops this behavior - you need to make the conversation about you and how you are feeling, because her actions here are not wrong, it's how you're perceiving them and your fears.

I will say one thing, your insecurities aside, I would imagine it's highly likely there is at minimum mild interest from the coworker in question. I'd also be curious how far he is going out of his way to drive her home - you said she lives on the opposite side of town, and works at a coffee shop. With a coffee shop job, normally people are living pretty close by, because there are so many of them you could just get a job at the nearest one. If that's the case, and he lives very close to the coffee shop, and is driving a half hour to take her home every night, I think it's reasonable to conclude there is interest on his side other than "just being a good guy."

Oh no, the drive is maybe 3-4 minutes from her work. I’ve done it plenty times myself. It’s not far at all. Then again I’m not sure where the guy lives himself. 

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CarAndZam Established Member

CarAndZam

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1 hour ago, Noproblem said:

I don't think you love her that much or care if she is in or out of your life. So, why stay together, you can end it now before it gets complicated. 

With my mental health, I can’t afford to care about anything too much. Whether it’s a girlfriend or anything else, I can’t let myself be attached or invest in anything too much, otherwise I end up in situations like I’m in now. 

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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13 hours ago, CarAndZam said:

Thanks guys for the advice.

 

 

you guys are right, I should it let it go for now, but I just admit I will be a bit on guard. It wasn’t so much the carpooling that bothered me, that’s been going on for a good while now. What bothered is the date-like scenario in which she put herself in. She gets out at 10:30 at night; and they go out to eat. I’m sure you all can understand why it’s got me a bit edge.

 

 

No I don't see why you would be. It's a bit offensive you accusing her of "putting herself" in a date like situation...are you kidding me? She didn't put herself in any kind of situation. The guy grabbed some food on the way home, and offered something to her out of courtesy....it wasn't a planned candlelit dinner egad!

If my husband was getting rides from a female coworker and they stopped by mcdolands, I wouldn't even bat an eye....because I would do it too. It's so harmless.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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1 hour ago, CarAndZam said:

Oh no, the drive is maybe 3-4 minutes from her work. I’ve done it plenty times myself. It’s not far at all. Then again I’m not sure where the guy lives himself. 

Then no worries.  If it's that close, he could be doing it out of the goodness of his heart.  

 

1 hour ago, CarAndZam said:

With my mental health, I can’t afford to care about anything too much. Whether it’s a girlfriend or anything else, I can’t let myself be attached or invest in anything too much, otherwise I end up in situations like I’m in now. 

No No No.  We all need to care about others.  You have to open yourself to feel love.  Yes that is scary & you risk getting hurt but a BIG part of mental health is balance & processing loss.  People break up.  People die.  People fade away.  Grief is a part of life & you can't insulate yourself from that.  You do need to learn to manage it.  I miss my parents dearly after they died but as the late Jim Morrison of the Doors famously said, "no one here gets out alive."  Yes my heart has been broken a few time but after the acute pain fades, I have fond memories of adventures I had with EXs & things I learned from or with them.  Those memories are no threat to my marriage but they are part of how I became the woman I am today.  

I assume you have somebody to talk to about your issues.  Find the tools you need to thrive.  

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