basil67 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 57 minutes ago, BeStronger said: Which is why I was hoping he would just not go. Just say I’m not free or something… I know it’s not right to stop him from going out with his friends, but I’m really okay if they hang out, just not at that kind of place. Yeah, he could choose not to go on occasion, but if he stops hanging out with them there permanently , they will ask questions. And the only answer which makes sense is the truth.
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 2 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Would he be okay with you regularly going to meet a bunch of hot, eager guys who just want to play games with you, pour your drinks, and you know, chat? Just have a bunch of fun? I mean...it's not like anything could happen or anything. You just want to be doted on and have a blast with hot, built guys regularly. With them leaning over you to serve you and stuff. No harm in that. I mean ask him that. Would he be good with it? That doesn't work as there are no clubs like that and she probably wouldn't want to go there anyway. He knows that, so the argument is useless. He can easily call her bluff. As a man he likely thinks he has the right to go to these "clubs" as they are "normal", and she is a controlling gf if she complains. Yes she can go out clubbing with her mates to try to "balance" the hurt and upset, but that will just be more destructive to the relationship. She doesn't want to go clubbing and flirting with other guys to make him jealous, she just doesn't want her bf hanging around hostess bars and flirting with other women....
BaileyB Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, BeStronger said: I really don’t think I can accept him going to places where there are girls and there’s a chance that he may cheat on me. As a one off, night out with the guys to have a few drinks and play some pool is not a problem. Repeated nights at the bar with the boys, particularly when you’ve told him that it makes you uncomfortable and he has disregarded and dismissed your feelings, that would be a dealbreaker for me. I’m afraid your boyfriend is correct, if you don’t like it your choice is to break up with him. He’s clearly told you that he’s not going to change his behavior. Edited June 28, 2021 by BaileyB 3
stillafool Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 When you go out with your friends do you guys just go to dinner or do you go out dancing? Are there men there?
norealusername Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 What country is this? In the USA we only have strip clubs. I've been to several countries in Asia where they have girls that sit and flirt with you so you'll buy more drinks. Some places the girls will go home with you for a price, other places they don't go home with you. Either way, I wouldn't trust this guy at all.
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 (edited) If this is a dealbreaker for you, breakup. There is nothing else really to discuss. He's not meeting your expectations. Dump away. Edited June 28, 2021 by smackie9 3
Fletch Lives Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 (edited) Guys in relationships should not be looking at other women - and this includes going to Hooters, "Top bars", or places like that. (some women will be ok with it, many won't) That's the rule! If you don't like it, don't have a girlfriend. Edited June 28, 2021 by Fletch Lives
Tinyjaguar Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 6 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: Guys in relationships should not be looking at other women - and this includes going to Hooters, "Top bars", or places like that. (some women will be ok with it, many won't) That's the rule! If you don't like it, don't have a girlfriend. Not sure I agree. It depends on the relationship. Also, scantily clad women aren't exclusively limited to seedy bars or hostess clubs. As a bf or husband, you can't avoid coming across scantily clad women for fear of offending the gf or wife. Let's put it this way, would you rather your bf go to a strip club or hostess bar, where there are limits to what you can do, or would you rather him go out to a night club and risk a drunk liaison with a random woman?
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, elaine567 said: That doesn't work as there are no clubs like that and she probably wouldn't want to go there anyway. He knows that, so the argument is useless. He can easily call her bluff. As a man he likely thinks he has the right to go to these "clubs" as they are "normal", and she is a controlling gf if she complains. Yes she can go out clubbing with her mates to try to "balance" the hurt and upset, but that will just be more destructive to the relationship. She doesn't want to go clubbing and flirting with other guys to make him jealous, she just doesn't want her bf hanging around hostess bars and flirting with other women.... It's an easy way for anyone with the slightest degree of empathy to imagine how it would feel. She obviously wouldn't literally be telling him she was going out to a club like that. I thought that was clear but just in case, I hope this helps. Edited June 28, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: As a one off, night out with the guys to have a few drinks and play some pool is not a problem. Repeated nights at the bar with the boys, particularly when you’ve told him that it makes you uncomfortable and he has disregarded and dismissed your feelings, that would be a dealbreaker for me. I’m afraid your boyfriend is correct, if you don’t like it your choice is to break up with him. He’s clearly told you that he’s not going to change his behavior. It does seem like this is the only answer.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 (edited) 59 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said: Not sure I agree. It depends on the relationship. Also, scantily clad women aren't exclusively limited to seedy bars or hostess clubs. As a bf or husband, you can't avoid coming across scantily clad women for fear of offending the gf or wife. Let's put it this way, would you rather your bf go to a strip club or hostess bar, where there are limits to what you can do, or would you rather him go out to a night club and risk a drunk liaison with a random woman? You can't avoid running into women, but you CAN avoid setups where they come over to you to make everything really fun for you. And this "would you rather..." thing doesn't apply as it's possible, and reasonable to want neither of those things. A man who is going to do those things will need to find a girlfriend who is absolutely fine with them. He can't just force every woman to sit there and accept his decision of which gross thing to do because otherwise he'll leave. It's time for the OP to call his bluff: calmly tell him that she has thought about this, the situation is untenable for her, and per what he has told her, they are breaking up. Telling someone in a bad situation that it could be worse and she better be happy for what she has may have worked 70 years ago, but it's a bit of a tougher thing to pull off today, since today she can just walk. Edited June 28, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Or...he might say he is fine with it, simply to justify himself going to these places. I don't always find it helpful to ask those sorts of "shoe-on-the-other-foot" questions, simply because some people will reply in whichever way supports their current behaviour. What will you do if he says he wouldn't have a problem with you doing the same thing? Well, then she'll know that he really isn't the guy for her (IMO). She can learn a lot from asking that question. If he's totally fine with him ogling boobs hung in front of his face for "chats" and "bringing drinks" and he's also totally fine with her hypothetically sitting there having a topless ripped oiled guy doing the same for her, regularly, then she knows even more about him: he doesn't much care who does what, don't ask, don't tell. And that too is probably pretty untenable. If he's eager for her to flirt with crossing a line, then that could either mean he really doesn't love her/value her all that much (ergo if she left him for a hot guy, no biggie); or he's relieved to have something to hold against her later ("well, you go check out hot guys, don't you? So you can't blame me for what I do either"), or that he's more an open-relationship guy in some way...or whatever. It's information for her.
norealusername Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 To me, a guy going to a club like this maybe once a year would be OK. Going every week, not OK. It tells me he's a playboy. I'm sure there's hanky panky going on with these club girls no matter what the rules or laws are. Even here in the USA it's possible to pay a stripper for 'extras' outside the club. Very, very few women in the USA would tolerate their man spending every weekend at the strip club. 4
Wiseman2 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 6 hours ago, BeStronger said: Honestly, probably yes. I think he probably enjoys the female attention he gets there. Ok, if you think your BF is a bit sleazy, cut your losses. Why seethe or be upset when this doesn't need to be happening. Perhaps now is hostesses, perhaps later it's...who knows? 1
Tinyjaguar Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 21 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: You can't avoid running into women, but you CAN avoid setups where they come over to you to make everything really fun for you. And this "would you rather..." thing doesn't apply as it's possible, and reasonable to want neither of those things. A man who is going to do those things will need to find a girlfriend who is absolutely fine with them. He can't just force every woman to sit there and accept his decision of which gross thing to do because otherwise he'll leave. It's time for the OP to call his bluff: calmly tell him that she has thought about this, the situation is untenable for her, and per what he has told her, they are breaking up. Telling someone in a bad situation that it could be worse and she better be happy for what she has may have worked 70 years ago, but it's a bit of a tougher thing to pull off today, since today she can just walk. OK, I see your point. This situation is obviously a bit messed up in that a guy goes to a hostess bar against his gf's wishes and won't consider her feelings. But that is down to communication and getting him to understand why she doesn't like it. To him, it may seem trivial because he doesn't actually do anything, but to her, the risk of him being in that situation is enough to upset her. My previous post was more regarding that no attached guy could seek adult entertainment and how it is not a one size fits all scenario. 1
Tinyjaguar Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 5 minutes ago, norealusername said: To me, a guy going to a club like this maybe once a year would be OK. Going every week, not OK. It tells me he's a playboy. I'm sure there's hanky panky going on with these club girls no matter what the rules or laws are. Even here in the USA it's possible to pay a stripper for 'extras' outside the club. Very, very few women in the USA would tolerate their man spending every weekend at the strip club. I would agree with that. Weekly visits to adult entertainment venues is totally excessive.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 6 minutes ago, norealusername said: To me, a guy going to a club like this maybe once a year would be OK. Going every week, not OK. It tells me he's a playboy. I'm sure there's hanky panky going on with these club girls no matter what the rules or laws are. Even here in the USA it's possible to pay a stripper for 'extras' outside the club. Very, very few women in the USA would tolerate their man spending every weekend at the strip club. I agree (I'm a woman, BTW, if that matters). I mean I know many bachelor parties aren't like this, but say for example my husband got invited to one. Well, I wouldn't say "OMG! You just can't go" because hell. Somebody else set it up, somebody thought it would be fun, it's friends wishing another friend well and having a party for the person, I mean, only a D would say "absolutely not", in my view...and remember I'm someone who has spoken out strongly against this as a regular thing as described in the original post. Sure, this kind of thing could happen once in a blue moon. To plan on it, to have that plan include regular visits, and perhaps most especially, to be so vehemently defensive and protective of being able to keep the specific situation going regularly - so much so that they boyfriend literally threatens to leave the OP if he can't do it (it's THAT serious to him?), raises a little alarm for me. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 12 hours ago, BeStronger said: I really don’t think I can accept him going to places where there are girls and there’s a chance that he may cheat on me. am I being too demanding here? Women are everywhere. You seem to have trust issues. That is not good. You need trust to have a good realtionship 12 hours ago, BeStronger said: They’re not strip clubs. But just clubs that have girls there to “play games, pour drinks, chat” with the guys. 11 hours ago, BeStronger said: Not too sure if you have these kind of clubs over where you’re from, but in my country… they’re kinda like bars? But there are girls who are employed to go around to entertain the men? By drinking with them and talking to them. I guess it’s to let the men spend more money at the bars? By buying more drinks for themselves and the girls. This sounds . . .gross, sleezy . . . something not good. I didn't initially understand because they don't have places like this in the US to be the best of my knowledge. I am not sure about the allure of going somewhere & having to pay women to be nice to you. It seems fake & expensive. Are your BFs buddies socially awkward that this is the only way they can get women to pay attention to them, by buying their time? Only you know where you want to draw your lines in the sand. I wouldn't like my guy going to a place like this, no so much because I thought he would cheat on me with the low class, financially desperate women who work there, but because the whole thing just seems pathetic / sad. 1
mark clemson Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 (edited) As a partner you can set or attempt to set whatever boundaries you like. The other person may or may not accept them, and you may or may not be able to tolerate it if they don't (often not, because why set a boundary in the first place if you're actually OK with something). Asking him to never go out is presumably not going to fly (and would indeed be overly controlling IMO); asking him to refrain from going to this specific type of bar is a reasonable ask IMO IF he wants to stay with you, since it's clearly making you unhappy. FWIW I think this is who he is, now, at this time in his life. The fact that he apparently likes this sort of thing so much and that it makes you so unhappy probably means that you are incompatible, particularly if you ask directly that he stop and he won't. If the above is true, it would seem that the logical course would be to break it off with him. That may be emotionally distressing and easier said than done. However, I think the last thing you want is for you to be married to this guy and at home watching an infant while he goes out and you have to worry about what he might/might not be doing at one of these bars. Doesn't sound like something you'd wish for your future self, does it? So, I think you really need to sit down and have a good long, clear-headed think about where this relationship is going. Edited June 28, 2021 by mark clemson 2
MsJayne Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 Men behave like this in relationships because women allow them to. Don't try to control where he goes or who he hangs out with, just accept that he's a sexist, he hangs out with other sexists, he goes to clubs where women make sex objects of themselves, (and probably think they're being "empowered" ). He sounds like a tool. Maybe question why you want to be Mrs Tool. 2
fiskadoro Posted June 30, 2021 Posted June 30, 2021 (edited) On 6/28/2021 at 1:36 AM, BeStronger said: They’re not strip clubs. But just clubs that have girls there to “play games, pour drinks, chat” with the guys. Our relationship have been great in my opinion, the occasional fights here and there but nothing too big. We’re in our thirties. My bf use to go to such places once in awhile way before he met me, but then he stopped going cos he got real busy with work, but now with a new transition in jobs he’s gotten more of his free time back, so he goes again to unwind with the boys about once a week/two weeks. I definitely won’t make it an empty threat because I know it wouldn’t work anyway. I want to leave him if he won’t stop going but then I love him so much, but again I know I won’t be able to accept it. thanks for your reply btw. I needed some advice today Hi, I know these kinds of bars, they were popular in NE Asia when I was living abroad just over a decade ago. You are right, they are sleazy, and the men who go to them usually do it on the down low so their wives don't know.... at least the men who have any respect for their wives. Guys get "handsy" with the women in these bars and can sometimes arrange to take the women home or meet them later. Even if your bf isn't doing that, just him putting you in the position of knowing he wants to hang out in such a place is skanky. From your post I guess you are perhaps Asian or from a similarly conservative culture? I think most of the posters on here are westerners who have a different concept of "controlling" than what a respectable woman in your country might. I am curious what your gf's think? BTW even among my expat guy friends, who were hardly the most "progressive" thinkers, the guys who frequent these places are viewed as kind of pathetic and or vulgar. I'd tread carefully if I were you. Edited June 30, 2021 by fiskadoro 1
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