BeStronger Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 Hi all, just needed some advice today. Bf and I have been together for nearly 3 years now. A few months ago, he started to go to clubs (some slightly sleazy ones with girls) about once a week. He goes with a group of guy friends (some of them can be real sleaze bags) and even though every time my boyfriend is there he will text me and assure me that he won’t let me down, I just can’t help but feel very uncomfortable. I cannot deny I have trust issues from previous relationships. just yesterday we had a quarrel because he told me that he is going again (after about 1.5 months of not going due to COVID restrictions). I told him I was very uncomfortable with the idea of him ever going again and he said he felt like I was being controlling. I told him I am really unable to accept him going. He said if that’s the case we shouldn’t be together. I didn’t reply him, and he texted again to ask if I really wanted a break up. I told him I was really hurt that he rather break up with me than stop going to such places totally. He said he would still want to go once in awhile, and me not letting him go is a sign of me being controlling. I told him I am not a controlling gf by nature and it’s only to sleazy places like that I cannot accept. I told him if he can’t stop going then I’m not sure I want to be together anymore. Please give me some advice. I really don’t think I can accept him going to places where there are girls and there’s a chance that he may cheat on me. am I being too demanding here? Thanks in advance.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 (edited) Are these strip clubs? Your boyfriend is the company he keeps, by the way. If he hangs out with sleazy dudes and frequents sleazy places, well, he is a sleazy guy. You have to decide if you want to stand by your assertion that you cannot accept this. Break up if you cannot. If you can't trust him not to cheat just because there are girls around, your relationship is essentially already over. But be sure you don't use the threat of a break-up as an empty threat to get him to comply with your wish that he not go. How was your relationship going prior to this? I find that these changes in behaviour usually don't exist in a vacuum. How old are you both? Edited June 28, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1
Author BeStronger Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 They’re not strip clubs. But just clubs that have girls there to “play games, pour drinks, chat” with the guys. Our relationship have been great in my opinion, the occasional fights here and there but nothing too big. We’re in our thirties. My bf use to go to such places once in awhile way before he met me, but then he stopped going cos he got real busy with work, but now with a new transition in jobs he’s gotten more of his free time back, so he goes again to unwind with the boys about once a week/two weeks. I definitely won’t make it an empty threat because I know it wouldn’t work anyway. I want to leave him if he won’t stop going but then I love him so much, but again I know I won’t be able to accept it. thanks for your reply btw. I needed some advice today
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 4 minutes ago, BeStronger said: But just clubs that have girls there to “play games, pour drinks, chat” with the guys. So these are just normal bars that happen to have female patrons? I am trying to understand what is sleazy about these places or the women who frequent them. 1
Author BeStronger Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 31 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: So these are just normal bars that happen to have female patrons? I am trying to understand what is sleazy about these places or the women who frequent them. Not too sure if you have these kind of clubs over where you’re from, but in my country… they’re kinda like bars? But there are girls who are employed to go around to entertain the men? By drinking with them and talking to them. I guess it’s to let the men spend more money at the bars? By buying more drinks for themselves and the girls.
Sun Seeker Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 Why don't you go with him? Assuming he's there to have fun drinking etc, not for the girls, there should not be a problem. 2
basil67 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 When a person puts down a strict instruction, eg; "I do not want you to do this", then yes, it's controlling. To not be controlling, a way to address it would be to say "I'm really uncomfortable about you going to this place" If he decides that he wants to keep going anyway, then you have the choice to either accept it or break up. He makes his decision and you make yours accordingly. Anyway, does he see these guys at other times? Could he make a suggestion of a different type of bar/pub?
Author BeStronger Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 7 minutes ago, Punterxx said: Why don't you go with him? Assuming he's there to have fun drinking etc, not for the girls, there should not be a problem. He usually goes there with his guy friends. So it’s kinda like a “guys night out”. Honestly I would hate to intrude cos I love my “girls night out” too and wouldn’t like him to come. it’s just that it’s to this kind of places that makes me uncomfortable.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 37 minutes ago, BeStronger said: Not too sure if you have these kind of clubs over where you’re from, but in my country… they’re kinda like bars? But there are girls who are employed to go around to entertain the men? By drinking with them and talking to them. I'm not familiar with this sort of club, no. The only places I know around here where women are employed specifically to entertain male patrons are strip clubs. All you can do is decide if you are unhappy enough with his choices to end the relationship. He doesn't seem interested in compromising on this one, so you're at a stand-off with him. If he keeps going, what are you prepared to do?
Author BeStronger Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I'm not familiar with this sort of club, no. The only places I know around here where women are employed specifically to entertain male patrons are strip clubs. All you can do is decide if you are unhappy enough with his choices to end the relationship. He doesn't seem interested in compromising on this one, so you're at a stand-off with him. If he keeps going, what are you prepared to do? We don’t really have many strip climb where I’m from yeah, that’s why I know because he’s not willing to compromise and neither am I, that it’s gonna come down to me deciding to end things. I just feel like it’s such a waste cos I thought what we had was good enough to keep.
Author BeStronger Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 22 minutes ago, basil67 said: When a person puts down a strict instruction, eg; "I do not want you to do this", then yes, it's controlling. To not be controlling, a way to address it would be to say "I'm really uncomfortable about you going to this place" If he decides that he wants to keep going anyway, then you have the choice to either accept it or break up. He makes his decision and you make yours accordingly. Anyway, does he see these guys at other times? Could he make a suggestion of a different type of bar/pub? Yup, I told him I’m not comfortable with him. I told him I am not saying no, but just that it makes me uncomfortable that there are so many girls around. Yes he does see the guys at other timings, but knowing him, he’s quite the follower in the group. Plus to him he’s not doing anything wrong so he does not see an issue with not going to such places.
basil67 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 Have a think about what you're asking to do. If your guy stopped going, how exactly would you expect him to explain his absence to the boys? Because he's done it plenty before, the truth of "my girlfriend is uncomfortable" is all he could say. He would lose all his credibility, not to mention that they'd start warning him away from you. (Just as it would be if one of the girls in your group stopped going because her boyfriend was uncomfortable)
Angelle Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 I don't think it's controlling. He wasn't doing it when you first met, it's just been over the last few months? You told him it makes you uncomfortable, and he talks about breaking up, rather than avoiding these clubs. That doesn't sound good, to me. 2
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 14 minutes ago, BeStronger said: just feel like it’s such a waste cos I thought what we had was good enough to keep. What you had, is not now what you have. He is not the guy you thought he was. Now he is the guy he really is, and that is a guy who when the chips are down is choosing his buddies, and the sleazy type bars they frequent over you. He misrepresented himself previously. It is a type of bait and switch. As a single man he no doubt loved the "paid for" attention of these women at these bars. He liked his life as a single man. Now he thinks he can have all that female attention again and you will just put up with it. He wants to act single yet have you waiting in the wings too. . it is not that uncommon, many men play this game,. but it is not conducive to a happy relationship. This is affecting your security and quality of life and that is not acceptable You are not happy, there is no real compromise to be achieved and we only get one life. Cutting out the source of our misery is usually by far the best option..
Tinyjaguar Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 2 hours ago, BeStronger said: Hi all, just needed some advice today. Bf and I have been together for nearly 3 years now. A few months ago, he started to go to clubs (some slightly sleazy ones with girls) about once a week. He goes with a group of guy friends (some of them can be real sleaze bags) and even though every time my boyfriend is there he will text me and assure me that he won’t let me down, I just can’t help but feel very uncomfortable. I cannot deny I have trust issues from previous relationships. just yesterday we had a quarrel because he told me that he is going again (after about 1.5 months of not going due to COVID restrictions). I told him I was very uncomfortable with the idea of him ever going again and he said he felt like I was being controlling. I told him I am really unable to accept him going. He said if that’s the case we shouldn’t be together. I didn’t reply him, and he texted again to ask if I really wanted a break up. I told him I was really hurt that he rather break up with me than stop going to such places totally. He said he would still want to go once in awhile, and me not letting him go is a sign of me being controlling. I told him I am not a controlling gf by nature and it’s only to sleazy places like that I cannot accept. I told him if he can’t stop going then I’m not sure I want to be together anymore. Please give me some advice. I really don’t think I can accept him going to places where there are girls and there’s a chance that he may cheat on me. am I being too demanding here? Thanks in advance. My take is that, if this is the first time you have made him aware that you are unhappy with him visiting these establishments, then you need a proper discussion with him regarding boundaries. Of course, him going to strip clubs is not an indication that there is anything wrong in your relationship. It is probably better him being in a strip club that him actively chasing other women. Men go to strip clubs, not because there is anything lacking in their relationship, it is usually just a bit of fun and there are very strict rules that forbid contact. The second a guy leaves a strip club, it is forgotten about and the night moves on. Of course, the bigger issue is the potential to waste significant quantities of cash in these places, which is certainly a major issue for lonely, single guys. The problem here is that a good stripper/lap dancer can sniff out a monied desperate lonely single guy a mile away and they know how to work them. When I was single, I became dependant on strip clubs and I spent significant sums of money in them. I did manage to eventually break the addiction, but not before I'd wasted nearly 10k in them.
Tinyjaguar Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 1 hour ago, BeStronger said: Not too sure if you have these kind of clubs over where you’re from, but in my country… they’re kinda like bars? But there are girls who are employed to go around to entertain the men? By drinking with them and talking to them. I guess it’s to let the men spend more money at the bars? By buying more drinks for themselves and the girls. Apologies, I got the wrong end of the stick. I have never heard of these places. What are these bars called? It's not like a hostess/clipping bar like in London, is it?
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, BeStronger said: They’re not strip clubs. But just clubs that have girls there to “play games, pour drinks, chat” with the guys. Our relationship have been great in my opinion, the occasional fights here and there but nothing too big. We’re in our thirties. My bf use to go to such places once in awhile way before he met me, but then he stopped going cos he got real busy with work, but now with a new transition in jobs he’s gotten more of his free time back, so he goes again to unwind with the boys about once a week/two weeks. I definitely won’t make it an empty threat because I know it wouldn’t work anyway. I want to leave him if he won’t stop going but then I love him so much, but again I know I won’t be able to accept it. thanks for your reply btw. I needed some advice today Would he be okay with you regularly going to meet a bunch of hot, eager guys who just want to play games with you, pour your drinks, and you know, chat? Just have a bunch of fun? I mean...it's not like anything could happen or anything. You just want to be doted on and have a blast with hot, built guys regularly. With them leaning over you to serve you and stuff. No harm in that. I mean ask him that. Would he be good with it? Edited June 28, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 You mentioned "sleazy" a few times. However you claim his friends are sleazy these playboy clubs are sleazy,etc. Do you think your BF is sleazy?
Author BeStronger Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 2 hours ago, basil67 said: Have a think about what you're asking to do. If your guy stopped going, how exactly would you expect him to explain his absence to the boys? Because he's done it plenty before, the truth of "my girlfriend is uncomfortable" is all he could say. He would lose all his credibility, not to mention that they'd start warning him away from you. (Just as it would be if one of the girls in your group stopped going because her boyfriend was uncomfortable) Which is why I was hoping he would just not go. Just say I’m not free or something… I know it’s not right to stop him from going out with his friends, but I’m really okay if they hang out, just not at that kind of place.
Author BeStronger Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 2 hours ago, Angelle said: I don't think it's controlling. He wasn't doing it when you first met, it's just been over the last few months? You told him it makes you uncomfortable, and he talks about breaking up, rather than avoiding these clubs. That doesn't sound good, to me. Thanks for your reply. Yup, I was really hurt when he said that. It doesn’t sound good. I agree. 1
Author BeStronger Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: What you had, is not now what you have. He is not the guy you thought he was. Now he is the guy he really is, and that is a guy who when the chips are down is choosing his buddies, and the sleazy type bars they frequent over you. He misrepresented himself previously. It is a type of bait and switch. As a single man he no doubt loved the "paid for" attention of these women at these bars. He liked his life as a single man. Now he thinks he can have all that female attention again and you will just put up with it. He wants to act single yet have you waiting in the wings too. . it is not that uncommon, many men play this game,. but it is not conducive to a happy relationship. This is affecting your security and quality of life and that is not acceptable You are not happy, there is no real compromise to be achieved and we only get one life. Cutting out the source of our misery is usually by far the best option.. you are right. I don’t think I could be okay with it. Which is why I posted here to get some advice, which I really appreciate 2
Author BeStronger Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 1 hour ago, Tinyjaguar said: Apologies, I got the wrong end of the stick. I have never heard of these places. What are these bars called? It's not like a hostess/clipping bar like in London, is it? Yup! It’s a hostess bar. I’m quite okay with the spending of money and stuff (I guess it’s his own cash, which he has enough off) but it’s the girls that just makes me really insecure
Author BeStronger Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 24 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Would he be okay with you regularly going to meet a bunch of hot, eager guys who just want to play games with you, pour your drinks, and you know, chat? Just have a bunch of fun? I mean...it's not like anything could happen or anything. You just want to be doted on and have a blast with hot, built guys regularly. With them leaning over you to serve you and stuff. No harm in that. I mean ask him that. Would he be good with it? I don’t know you, but I like you. Your reply is simply amazing. I bet you if I asked him that he would say no but I will ask him that! Thank uou! 1
Author BeStronger Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You mentioned "sleazy" a few times. However you claim his friends are sleazy these playboy clubs are sleazy,etc. Do you think your BF is sleazy? Honestly, probably yes. I think he probably enjoys the female attention he gets there. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 1 minute ago, BeStronger said: I don’t know you, but I like you. Your reply is simply amazing. I bet you if I asked him that he would say no but I will ask him that! Thank uou! Or...he might say he is fine with it, simply to justify himself going to these places. I don't always find it helpful to ask those sorts of "shoe-on-the-other-foot" questions, simply because some people will reply in whichever way supports their current behaviour. What will you do if he says he wouldn't have a problem with you doing the same thing? 3
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