stardust88 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 Hi guys, I just really need your opinion on my relationship with this guy I have been dating for 7 months. He comes off as a little narcissistic to me. I am, on the other hand, a people pleaser. I would go all out for someone I care for, doing things, buying things for people I love. A little background : We met on a dating app, and went exclusive about one and a half month in. He even said "I love you" in less than a month we become official. I felt it was too fast, but I said it back just because he has said to me (after a few times over few weeks). I was initially very infatuated with him, we communicated very well with each other, have common interests, we hang out with friends every other weekend. It really seems too good to be true. So about 1 month plus, he started showing a different side of him that I did not know before. At this point, we have been seeing each other 2-3times/week, mostly spending the night at each other's place. He gets frustrated easily at the smallest thing ever. Couldn't find his keys? Frustrated first before looking. Dropped sugar on the floor? Frustrated. (and I told him it's okay and I cleaned it up, just to avoid having to deal with his frustration)Me telling him to stop looking at his phone while we watch movie together? Frustrated. I have also been buying him food and coffee every weekend, he buys for me sometimes but I have been buying most of the time. I do not ask him to pay me back when I help him get stuffs but he asks me to pay him back when he helps me to get stuffs, even very cheap things. Am I overthinking or have I been putting up with someone really selfish and stingy?
MsJayne Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 Don't know about narcissistic, but probably very immature. Getting worked up over spilled sugar or lost keys, counting the pennies he spends but not noticing that you're spending more pennies, declaring love so soon after meeting, all smacks of immaturity. If he shows little interest in your life before you met him, or other things about you, focusing on his own needs and wants and ignoring or downplaying yours, they're often small signs of narcissistic traits but don't necessarily mean he's an actual narcissist. If he starts criticising you or trying to manipulate you in any way, run.
Author stardust88 Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 He has never criticised me, always letting me do whatever I want. I have brought up his frustration issues a few times, he sees it as me trying to change him, trying to control him. He asks that I acknowledge and validate his feelings and he would be ok, but I couldn't do that for him because I think that's what you do for children and not adults. 1
basil67 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 (edited) I agree that he sounds immature. As children, most of us learn how to deal with frustration, but for some reason, this guy didn't. Perhaps his parents sorted out his issues for him? Honestly, I wouldn't bother with someone who got frustrated easily. This would be a big red flag for me....and while I'd help clean a mess, I wouldn't do it for them unless they'd dropped a plate With validating feelings, I think that some feelings could be validated and others aren't important. To be clear, is he wanting validation about his frustration about silly things? Regarding paying for things, if him not returning the favour bothers you, then stop doing the favour. All that said, it's only seven months in and he's still likely on his best behaviour. Now you've got to ask yourself: if this is his best behaviour, what does his worst look like? Edited June 28, 2021 by basil67 1
Author stardust88 Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, basil67 said: To be clear, is he wanting validation about his frustration about silly things? Yes, over the silliest things. As soon as I acknowledge that he's frustrated(for example, by telling him I feel sorry for him that he spilled his drinks on the floor), then he will be ok, and he tries to move on and stop feeling frustrated. But if I refuse to do that, he continues to be frustrated and that irritates me and usually leads to a fight. PS : Our fights have been verbal and he has never used any harsh/degrading words on me or have ever criticised me. He's just not happy I won't comply with his needs(validating his feelings). Edited June 28, 2021 by stardust88
Author stardust88 Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 4 hours ago, S2B said: You aren’t happy with the way he acts/reacts. this is the beginning and should be the happiest part of dating someone. and since it’s not - quit wasting time and energy on a guy that isn’t a good fit. We do have a lot of fun together other than these issues. Do I need to run away everytime I meet someone who isn't perfect for me or try to work it out for the long run?
basil67 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 He needs sympathy over a spilled drink?! OMG, you’re with a baby, not a grown adult. You may not need to run away, but you could try talking about the fact that you’ve been having second thoughts and see if he offers to sort himself out. Imagine having kids with this guy - how could you teach them to behave as an adult when your partner models the behaviour of a three year old? 1
ShyViolet Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 8 hours ago, stardust88 said: I have also been buying him food and coffee every weekend, he buys for me sometimes but I have been buying most of the time. I do not ask him to pay me back when I help him get stuffs but he asks me to pay him back when he helps me to get stuffs, even very cheap things. The above is a little confusing. If you don't like this then just stop volunteering to buy food for him. No one is forcing you to do that, you are choosing to do that and then you're complaining about it.
Author stardust88 Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 2 hours ago, basil67 said: He needs sympathy over a spilled drink?! OMG, you’re with a baby, not a grown adult. You may not need to run away, but you could try talking about the fact that you’ve been having second thoughts and see if he offers to sort himself out. Imagine having kids with this guy - how could you teach them to behave as an adult when your partner models the behaviour of a three year old? I did tell him that I do not want this behaviour in my partner (gave him an ultimatum, he changes or we are done) and he is also trying to improve. It's happening less now but it still happens. When I mentioned about how this behaviour will affect our future kids(both of us want kids), he said that children should be free to express how they feel, and we should acknowledge their feelings. He doesn't realize that for kids, yes, we have a role as adults to teach and guide them, but he's an adult who should be able to cope with a little bit of stress. 1
Author stardust88 Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 1 hour ago, ShyViolet said: The above is a little confusing. If you don't like this then just stop volunteering to buy food for him. No one is forcing you to do that, you are choosing to do that and then you're complaining about it. I'm a people pleaser and I'm very generous with people I love. When he buys me food, I'll feel guilty for letting him pay for my food, so I'll end up getting him some nice drinks/deserts afterwards. Thing is, when I pay for food, or even for things he need, or our snacks, he never did the same back for me. I do have a certain level of expectations with him being my boyfriend, while I can afford to buy my own food/stuffs and even his, I'll feel a lot more loved if he does it more.
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 He's trying....but I say that will be temporary. It's his personality, it's who he is. You make him suppress it, there's gonna be a day he will just explode. you already said he slips and falls back into his old behavior. People like that need some therapy to learn coping skills, to handle those rush of emotions. He can't do it on his own. 7 months in and already you are complaining about your expectations not being full filled. That's an incompatibility thing IMO. It's not really the best thing to try and mold someone to be what you expect them to be. It's better to find that one that treats you the way you expect to be treated. You are not training a dog here. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 5 hours ago, stardust88 said: by telling him I feel sorry for him that he spilled his drinks on the floor Good grief, this man-child sounds absolutely exhausting. I could not deal with a grown man who can't cope with life. You think his reaction to a spilled drink is bad, wait until there's a screaming baby at 3:30am who cannot be soothed - night after night. You ain't seen nothin' yet. 11 hours ago, stardust88 said: I have also been buying him food and coffee every weekend, he buys for me sometimes but I have been buying most of the time. I do not ask him to pay me back when I help him get stuffs but he asks me to pay him back when he helps me to get stuffs, even very cheap things. So why on earth are you still buying him things? Don't you see how lopsided this is? You would be wise to end this relatinship. It's only been 7 months and it's already not working. Find a guy who acts like an adult. 3
Fletch Lives Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 He's got some anger issues and lack of integrity. Let's just say he's not the pick of the litter or the catch of the day
Calmandfocused Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 Ah I’ve been down this road before op.. quite a few times. It gets worse, much worse! I’ll tell you something else, it won’t change. Irrespective of his promises he won’t stop these behaviours. Why? … because it serves him. It gives him privileges. The biggest privilege being that he gets exactly the relationship that he wants and you will live in fear of “setting him off”. And when he does get “set off” you will be blamed and will be miserable for it- exactly the position he wants you in. So in a nutshell his needs are met and yours are not. The only time you will see a glimpse of “change” is when he thinks he’s losing you. Once hes comfortable that you’re back in position he’ll start again. I give it 2 months before the insults and verbal abuse starts. At the moment you’re just getting the sneaky preview. Get out now before he hooks you emotionally. You still have a chance. Take it. 2
Wiseman2 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 13 hours ago, stardust88 said: guy I have been dating for 7 months. He comes off as a little narcissistic to me. I am, on the other hand, a people pleaser. Sorry this is happening. Dating 28 weeks is an excellent time to observe red flags like this and cut your losses. Unfortunately "people pleaser" = doormat. You can't fix or change him. Mothering him is something you need to examine in yourself and reflect on, so you can move forward in peace without repeating situations like this. 1
basil67 Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 7 hours ago, stardust88 said: I did tell him that I do not want this behaviour in my partner (gave him an ultimatum, he changes or we are done) and he is also trying to improve. It's happening less now but it still happens. Has he stopped wanting validation for getting upset over spilled milk? If you're both serious about having this behaviour stop, he would agree to never to be validated over trivial matters again, and you will never do it again.
Author stardust88 Posted June 29, 2021 Author Posted June 29, 2021 3 hours ago, basil67 said: Has he stopped wanting validation for getting upset over spilled milk? If you're both serious about having this behaviour stop, he would agree to never to be validated over trivial matters again, and you will never do it again. So we will videocall each other every night when we are not physically with each other. We will still call even if we have met that day. Just to talk about our days and how we are both doing. One recent example of his frustration is when he called me after I got home from a long day at work and he just started venting his frustration over having placed second in an event on a mobile game (he usually gets first place). And that was it for me, I told him it's too much that he got frustrated over small thing like this and wanting me to acknowledge his feelings. We agreed not to talk that night and we hung up. But he called back after a few minutes and asked me to please acknowledge how he was feeling as I'm the only person he could express his feelings to without judgement. I gave in. He instantly felt better and asked how was my day and we talked normally. Just to note, he is playing only this game on his phone and does not have other gaming addiction. It's to pass his free time but he gets competitive during events.
Author stardust88 Posted June 29, 2021 Author Posted June 29, 2021 I understand that he isn't a good fit for me. I just find it hard to leave people or breaking up with someone. I just feel so guilty about it and I tend to stay until the relationship has run its course. I know I don't owe them anything but I can't get over the guilt.
basil67 Posted June 29, 2021 Posted June 29, 2021 42 minutes ago, stardust88 said: But he called back after a few minutes and asked me to please acknowledge how he was feeling as I'm the only person he could express his feelings to without judgement. Sorry you caved, but there's always next time. When he does it again, say again that you can't do this because it's wearing you down. If he says the above to you again, respond with "well I'm starting to judge your lack of coping skills too. You need to learn to self soothe over petty incidents because I'm not going to do it for you anymore" You know how you feel guilty about dumping? If you stand your ground, then he might dump you. Problem solved without guilt
Author stardust88 Posted June 29, 2021 Author Posted June 29, 2021 51 minutes ago, basil67 said: Sorry you caved, but there's always next time. When he does it again, say again that you can't do this because it's wearing you down. If he says the above to you again, respond with "well I'm starting to judge your lack of coping skills too. You need to learn to self soothe over petty incidents because I'm not going to do it for you anymore" You know how you feel guilty about dumping? If you stand your ground, then he might dump you. Problem solved without guilt Ya, I think I'll need another blow and I'll try my best not to give in again.
glows Posted June 29, 2021 Posted June 29, 2021 You mentioned future kids above so use that visual or thought to move on. Hanging on too long to a relationship like this out of pity and guilt is too sad and pathetic. No one deserves that, you too. He deserves to find someone who's very much into him and the same for you as well with someone else. I notice you like buying things for him and it's your love language of sorts but I'd be careful overdoing it in a relationship as it can read as a person trying to buy the affections of someone else. Although it's genuine for you, it may seem disingenuous to someone else who just wants to be heard at the end of a long day. You're speaking in different ways to each other and probably have very different priorities in life. If you can see how dissimilar you both are and in what ways it might clarify the need to move on much faster for you rather than by going by emotion or frustration alone.
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