Not a priority?

[Myasylum]

Hi,  been dating this girl for 2 months now.  Things are actually really good.  Talk everyday, have had sex. Follows through with plans ect... All in all, its been pretty amazing.  

    But next week is the 4th of July. I've ask her to meet up with me for that.  Suddenly she's like...  well? We'll see what happens, where ever the wind takes me.  I'm like... umm?? What??

     Suddenly I kind of feel like I'm on the back burner here.  Part of me thinks... well? Whatever, she does have other friends and family,  maybe she's just being playful? Another part of me sees kind of a red flag here.  She's never been wishy washy like this in the 2 months I have known her. 

     Now we are just "dating", but does spend the majority of her free time with me. However now a holiday comes around and she's suddenly aloof?

   Do I have reason for concern here? You think there is someone else or is this something to blow off?? I just like her a lot and don't want to lose her by over reacting. 

    Thanks everyone!

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

next week is the 4th of July. I've ask her to meet up with me for that.  Suddenly she's like...  well? We'll see what happens, where ever the wind takes me. 

What, specifically, did you invite her to do?

Perhaps she doesn't like whatever that is or isn't ready for that, such as meeting your friends and family all at once..

Or as you mentioned, has plans with friends and family that she regularly does on holidays.

Don't take it personally or make a big deal. Just ask what she usually does on the 4th.

[norealusername]

Who knows what she's thinking. But 2 months is a very short amount of time, not enough time to be serious yet for most people. Just see what happens.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Honestly, I'd wonder more at the sudden change than at what she actually said. I mean if she'd been that carefree/careless already then you could say "well, that's just (girlfriend)." But my antennae go up when there is a sudden change, especially if the change is from eager to hedging.

[Ami1uwant]

4th is when close friends and family get together...some travel elsewhere?

 

it’s too early to introduce you to them.

[Myasylum]

Well,  that is just it too.  The sudden change of attitude I guess.  It wasn't just the 4th of July activities, I was asking about planning out the week,   We usually go out 2 to 3 times a week and suddenly she won't commit to a date. 

    I'd ask her,  why the sudden change of attitude, but that kind of comes off jerk like as well. 

[Guildford]

I may be old fashion but if the two of are getting together two or three times a week and she is always up for it then you two are a couple, and if one of you does not view the relationship as exclusive, then that person should make it clear.  If she is getting together with family and friends then she should invite you along.  Right now  you should be looking around for someone else to do the Fourth with.  If later she says that she does want to get together on the Fourth, then tell her sorry something else came up.  Let her know that you are not a sure thing if she is not a sure thing for you.

[Myasylum]

Well, you are right. It is kind of a loose relationship. Certain ground rules have been talked about,  but the full in commitment hasn't been made yet.  It's a work in progress she has some issues she needs to resolved.  

   That is why though when things like this happen it always makes me feel insecure with what is going on because there hasn't been that full commitment made yet. 

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Myasylum said:

Well,  that is just it too.  The sudden change of attitude I guess.  It wasn't just the 4th of July activities, I was asking about planning out the week,   We usually go out 2 to 3 times a week and suddenly she won't commit to a date. 

    I'd ask her,  why the sudden change of attitude, but that kind of comes off jerk like as well. 

As I said...she has uncertainty right now around family and friend events happening over the next two weeks. It’s too soon to introduce you to them.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Myasylum said:

Well, you are right. It is kind of a loose relationship. Certain ground rules have been talked about,  but the full in commitment hasn't been made yet.  It's a work in progress she has some issues she needs to resolved.  

   That is why though when things like this happen it always makes me feel insecure with what is going on because there hasn't been that full commitment made yet. 

Go ahead and make plans with your friends and family. Her answer is simple and non-committal so if you are already feeling a little insecure or shaky about her as a person, now's the time to invest less and place less thought on this. When someone says something or shows you what they are, believe it and act accordingly. Go about making other plans and stick to them. I'm sure you both will meet up before then and after the holidays or communicate inbetween if you both do decide to continue dating.

Don't stress over this. It sounds more to me like you're unsure if there's someone else. Ask her how she feels about seeing each other exclusively. If she doesn't sound keen, you have your answer about whether you want to keep seeing her or whether this is worth pursuing.

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

As I said...she has uncertainty right now around family and friend events happening over the next two weeks. It’s too soon to introduce you to them.

They've known each other for three months, they're sleeping together, and she can't just say "I think I have some stupid family thing on the fourth, ha ha, but how about we get together on Monday"?

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

Go ahead and make plans with your friends and family. Her answer is simple and non-committal so if you are already feeling a little insecure or shaky about her as a person, now's the time to invest less and place less thought on this. When someone says something or shows you what they are, believe it and act accordingly. Go about making other plans and stick to them. I'm sure you both will meet up before then and after the holidays or communicate inbetween if you both do decide to continue dating.

Don't stress over this. It sounds more to me like you're unsure if there's someone else. Ask her how she feels about seeing each other exclusively. If she doesn't sound keen, you have your answer about whether you want to keep seeing her or whether this is worth pursuing.

All of this.

[spiderowl]

It does sound odd that she hasn't given you any explanation for a sudden change in attitude.

Maybe the lack of an exclusive relationship commitment is making her think twice about what's happening?

Could just be that she doesn't know what's happening with family but I think you should trust your instincts that there has been a change for some reason.

Just ask her what has changed?  Ask in a pleasant, non-judgemental way and pay attention to her reply.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Myasylum said:

Well,  that is just it too.  The sudden change of attitude I guess.  It wasn't just the 4th of July activities, I was asking about planning out the week,   We usually go out 2 to 3 times a week and suddenly she won't commit to a date. 

    I'd ask her,  why the sudden change of attitude, but that kind of comes off jerk like as well. 

It's a holiday week. This ridgid thinking is making yourself crazy.

Get a handle on this

You're dating 8 weeks.

It's a holiday week and you want her to dedicate all this time to you?

Relax. If you get clingy and controlling, you'll make a good situation bad with insecurities and overthinking.

You haven't been dating long enough to determine what this "means".

You're taking the pulse of this too often and for some reason playing a defensive game. Reflect on why that is.

It's certainly not due to someone not outlining their schedule precisely during a holiday week, is it?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Myasylum said:

the full in commitment hasn't been made yet.  It's a work in progress she has some issues she needs to resolved.

What are those issues?

[Ami1uwant]

12 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

They've known each other for three months, they're sleeping together, and she can't just say "I think I have some stupid family thing on the fourth, ha ha, but how about we get together on Monday"?

 

I don’t know her age....but this time of year is a high travel time and many take vacations or get together with family over a holiday weekend.

 

sleeping together does not mean ticket to meet family and close friends...those are reserved for serious/LTRs. It’s not there yet.

 

when I was in my mid twenties and saw relatives I’d get the dating/ love life/ getting married questions. The last thing I’d want to do is bring an early/casual date there. Same with friends.  If she is with him she might feel she needs to worry about him and impressions than relax and have fun.

 

 

other factors...

friends sharing stories on her past and the dirty secrets she has

or if the OP is very different from her family in terms or race, religion, culture, other side of the tracks,  career path, etc  adds even more pressure.

 

Edited June 27, 2021 by Ami1uwant

[Gaeta]

15 hours ago, Myasylum said:

Well, you are right. It is kind of a loose relationship. Certain ground rules have been talked about,  but the full in commitment hasn't been made yet.  It's a work in progress she has some issues she needs to resolved.  

That is usually an excuse to not commit. She has other priorities. The thing is  you accepted already her non-committal attitude, you're just getting a little more of it now. 

Notice she did not tell you why she may not be able to spend the 4th of July with you. That means she is not keeping you in the loop, you're not that important to her.

Sorry.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

That is usually an excuse to not commit. She has other priorities. The thing is  you accepted already her non-committal attitude, you're just getting a little more of it now. 

Notice she did not tell you why she may not be able to spend the 4th of July with you. That means she is not keeping you in the loop, you're not that important to her.

Sorry.

I was thinking this too. Except I am wondering whether she won't mention they whys (what could be easier or more casual to do?) because she's keeping her dating options open. I'm not trying to panic the OP, that may not be it. None of us can know. But really, the way he wrote the post, that was my first thought, so I imagine he himself is thinking this deep down, and it's coming through.

OP, you want more than she does. You know you do. You want commitment, or at least much more assurance of a future with this woman. While some may say it's too soon for "the talk," my feeling is that if you're this worried already, you're sensing a mismatch in that regard and you're also getting a sense that it's just going to continue this way. (Again, this is JUST what I got from your story, I don't know either of you.)

I very much believe in taking our instincts into consideration. Not letting thrm dominate us. But at least paying attention when they try to grab our attention. Anyone can logically tell you anything, we can all talk talk talk until the cows come home, but you're the one who is in contact with her and if you're getting very worried then you may just be picking up on something (i.e. is she seeing other people? Is she pushing you away because she's losing interest? Is she leaving that time open without really telling you why because someone she's met will be in town at that time or what...etc.).

That's UNLESS this is a pattern with you...always worrying and picking apart any time the person can't see you. In that case you could start to consider: 1. "Am I subconsciously picking people I sense won't commit?" Or 2. "Do I have issues with feeling insecure in general?"

But otherwise...I don't know. Worried this soon...I really just wonder if you're picking up on something. Just my $0.02.

Edited June 27, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

That is usually an excuse to not commit. She has other priorities. The thing is  you accepted already her non-committal attitude, you're just getting a little more of it now. 

Notice she did not tell you why she may not be able to spend the 4th of July with you. That means she is not keeping you in the loop, you're not that important to her.

Sorry.

Just to note - personally I disagree with the idea that he accepted her noncommittal attitude, as if that is a problem in some way (unless you didn't mean that). Few people commit at the beginning of dating. That's just the normal way of things, IMO.

[Myasylum]

Well... I just found out an ex has been back sniffing around.  So I guess that explains things! I am not happy.  What timing great timing for the 4th. This will be a great weekend...

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

Well... I just found out an ex has been back sniffing around.  So I guess that explains things! I am not happy.  What timing great timing for the 4th. This will be a great weekend...

Sh—. So what do you mean, found out? From whom?

[Myasylum]

She was upset about something.  She said I didn't want to hear about it.  I kind of got it out of her that her ex has been around and she's mad at him about something... but meanwhile that is why she can't commit to me but maybe somewhere down the road maybe I'll still be there for her.  

If she's mad at him,  I don't know why she's throwing me out the door,  but considering maybe that is for the best. 

   All kind of messed up.  I hate it when these ex's have this kind of power.  This isn't the first time this has happened to me either. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

 her ex has been around and she's mad at him about something... but meanwhile that is why she can't commit to me

Sorry to hear that. She's on/off with this ex and that's  headaches and heartaches you don't need.

You dodged a bullet.  Who wants to be involved in someone  else's love triangle nonsense? Dump her, delete and block.

Enjoy the 4th with family and friends, in fact, now you're free to  meet someone much better.

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

I hate it when these ex's have this kind of power. 

They don't have that kind of power.

The other party still has an interest in them. That is where the real problem is. 

[smackie9]

Good lord you are a fair weather date buddy while she's in limbo with her ex. Dump her already....when you are treated like second choice, why put up with it...for some strange? come on dude.