Situation with a girl I like gone horribly wrong - can this be recovered?

[Alvi]

OP, you didn't screw up anything because there was really nothing to screw up. I think that you are overdramatizing this over and over in your head. What should I have done? How could I have done it differently? What do do now? You need to stop doing that. You mustered your courage by giving her your number. Good for you! She wasn't interested for whatever reason.  Just remember that every time you take a chance on something, there is a possibility that it is not going to happen. 

 I think giving her your number was perfectly fine. You didn't approach her the wrong way.  Asking her out in person would probably not make much difference. Maybe it would've made the situation even more awkward. Leave it at that. Don't try to make it more difficult for her. Act like nothing has happened, be polite towards her. That is it.

Do you know for sure that she is single? She might not be. It's not like she was discussing her private life with you. Maybe she is not into older guys. Maybe her being friendly is just a part of her job and you misunderstood that and though that she was interested. You would be surprised how many men misunderstood me being friendly for something else back in my younger days when I was working in the restaurants and the coffee houses. Countless times customers were hitting on me and were genially surprised when I turned them down. How many times did I hear the phrase: "But I though you liked me!" No, I didn't like them, I was just being polite and friendly as it was required of me.

Edited June 26, 2021 by Alvi

[Johnjohnson2017]

OP just try to forget about it and move on.  

Don't try to talk to her. You'll make it worse.  Start going to a different starbucks. Maybe after a few months, you can start going back there.  Let things cool down. After a while, you will feel better and everyone will have kind of forgotten about what happened.  

You did nothing wrong.  You gave it a shot. There is nothing to discuss with her. If you do go back there after a few months, just be cordial.  If she happens to be the cashier at that time,  just order whatever you need and be cordial. 

 

[Fletch Lives]

You have a lot to learn about women. You did almost everything wrong. I don't know where to begin, I'd have to write a book here.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

OP just try to forget about it and move on.  

Don't try to talk to her. You'll make it worse.  

Agree. Let it go. She's at work. She probably gets a bunch of guys hitting on her, giving her their numbers, etc.

She's being friendly because it's her job. Try to stand out from the parade of horndogs doing this every day.

Be confident. Get on dating apps. Start talking to and meeting women for a brief coffee.

[elaine567]

14 hours ago, Greystone85 said:

She's in her 20's.

What made you think she would be interested in you - a guy in his mid 30s? 

[smackie9]

hey OP you gave it a shot. Didn't work out and most times it won't. Don't beat yourself up over it. Take away what you have learned and reset, try again with someone else. Why not put yourself out there more with online dating. Work on some skills. Try to be more relaxed on your approach.

Edited June 26, 2021 by smackie9

[Sun Seeker]

Forget about her, you have a much bigger problem to fix - your lack of confidence.

I was cringing the whole way through reading your OP, it was like something from school when you are a teenager.

Start working on gaining some confidence to talk to women. You have way too much to learn for me to even start, but try looking online.

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 6/25/2021 at 9:39 AM, Greystone85 said:

First, alittle backstory on me... I am mid-30's and I've never dated anyone in person in my life, except for a few online relationships. I'm a very shy person and it takes ALOT for me to ask someone I like out. Keyword is like. I have absolutely no trouble talking to random women or getting their phone numbers or anything of that nature when I don't care about them but when I do it becomes like pulling teeth for me to do.

I met a girl at Starbucks several months ago. I had been going to that store long before I met her and casually spoke with people there but this one particularly I found to be very cute. During the X-Mas season they were asking people random questions and she found my answers to be somewhat interesting and entertaining. More and more I went there and I started giving her simple compliments which she took kindly to, and then it wasn't just about going to Starbucks but I wanted to see her. I didn't tell her this of course. When I did go there and there were either alot of people, or she seemed very busy, I avoided talking to her. When she seemed more approachable I would try to talk to her. Just casual stuff. My cats, what she does outside of work, hobbies, ect..

It came to a point where I wanted to ask her phone number but I could never bring myself to doing it, especially if she were busy. So I kept going there and things got alittle silent between us, meanwhile other girls started trying to initiate conversation with me. I spoke with them casually but kinda didn't want to leave the wrong impressions as I had a situation in the past where I liked a girl at a restaurant but another started to flirt with me, the girl I liked completely stopped talking to me after I talked with the second girl and I didn't want that to happen here so I basically started evading them.

I started talking with the girl I liked again and that initiated conversation between us again, but some things started changing too... she started waving at me whenever I came in, she would even come up to me to initiate conversation with me and I even had two moments where no one was around us and we had a decent talk and I could have asked her number but I just couldn't do it. Sometimes it even seemed like she was trying to hint me on to do it (I can't truly tell TBH, I could be entirely wrong).. After that happened.. ..I just told myself I 'have' to do it because I will never do it if I don't force myself.. ..but I didn't want to make a big scene inside Starbucks.. ..so I wrote a letter saying "I really enjoy talking to you and just wanted to know if you would like to chat outside of work - XXX-XXX-XXXX"

I came there the next morning but she wasn't there. I work two jobs so I ended up pulling an all-nighter and on my way home I decided to try again this time at 5:30am right after they opened because I knew she would be there and customer volume would be light. So I got there and her co-workers told me I was there super early - which is true because I normally dont go there until 11am when I'm on my way to the office. I told them I hadn't been to sleep yet and was just getting off work. The girl I like was there and asked me what do I do for work. I told her I work at ((major IT company)) and she was shocked. I also told her I work two jobs as I do Uber/Lyft in the evenings as I got laid off from my previous job during the Pandemic and racked up some debts and am trying to pay them back. She told me that was good and atleast I have drive, ect.. ..I got my order and then.. ..thats when I forced myself to do it. I asked if I could give her something. Gave her the note.. ..and I became extremely nervous after I did that.. ..I left quickly after. I saw her put it in her pocket. That was it.

I've probably made mistakes up to this point but .. .. this is where the fruit of them really begins to manifest

She didn't call or text. I didn't want to 'stop going' there as I was a long time customer and disappearing might have seemed odd but I also didn't want to confront her either.. So I went as a regular customer. First on Tuesday (3 days after the letter) which she wasnt there and remained casual.. ..then on Friday.. ..which she was there... her coworkers immediately called out my name and one of them giggled at me and I just kinda... was like...yeah.. She was there this time but I didn't look at her or pay her any attention though as I didn't want to crowd her. Well.. I placed my order and went to the far side of the room .. she gave me no acknowledgement at all. I got my drink and left quickly.

The next go round there was noone at the register, she was fairly close by it and one of her coworkers asked if she could help me, well...she ignored us both. I basically remained calm and pretended not to notice or care and eventually someone else helped me...I basically got my drink and left then too.

The final round was this morning and this was probably my fault. I wanted to confront her to apologize to her for doing what I did on Saturday and tell her that I had intended to tell her for a long time but couldnt ever do it but.. ..I went there and I clammed up... ...she was there too... I couldn't do it though. I mainly ignored her and she did the same to me but also told her coworker she would go get something and... went to the back room... after I got my drink I also later came to find it was the wrong order.. ..which to me is quietly telling me to get lost...

I guess .. .. it just sucks because I think so highly of her and I like her and I know I messed up and don't want to be in this position with her... I don't know what to do. I want to confront her and apologize to her for everything but Im very afraid of doing that especially inside of Starbucks and I know if I go back again, I will have to confront her or I will be a confirmed stalker.. but I feel extremely uneasy about doing that.

Next time just casually ask and be cheerful and casual about it if she says no. "That's totally cool! You have a great day and thanks for the frap!" (okay, maybe not that last part) and off you go. But...also.be aware, as other people have said, that it is their job to be friendly. I've had male baristas lean halfway out the drivethru window to strike up a mini-conversation while waiting, LOL. The were just bored. And probably in need of a tip.

Passing her a note...please just don't. Especially for a very young person, that could seem a little odd. You're an adult. Ask. 

And if it's no, don't go changing your visiting habits entirely. That will make it seem even odder, like it hit you THAT hard.

In fact, even after this case, I wouldn't change my habits if I were you. Keep going for your coffee, don't look around for her, get waited on by whatever barista is there, smile and say thank you and leave. Like any Starbucks visit. If she happens to be your barista at some point just treat her literally like that. Like any of the baristas. Give your order, say thank you with a neutral smile as you would with any other worker, and leave. Over time it will all be normal again.

Edited June 26, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl

[Alvi]

On 6/25/2021 at 10:39 AM, Greystone85 said:

e girl I like was there and asked me what do I do for work. I told her I work at ((major IT company)) and she was shocked. I also told her I work two jobs as I do Uber/Lyft in the evenings as I got laid off from my previous job during the Pandemic and racked up some debts and am trying to pay them back. She told me that was good and atleast I have drive, ect.. .

I re-read your post and this just jumped at me. Wait, say what???? Why are volunteering you  financial situation to a complete stranger???? Why are you talking about your debts with someone you hardly know? This is probably not something to be discussed till you've been on a few dates or even later on once you get to know each other better. Another reason why she may decided not to pursue you.  Hey, I am racked in debt but here is my number, text me doesn't sound very appealing, does it. You should've told her this about your job: "I work for the IT department by day and as a Uber/Lyft driver by night." And left it at that. No further explanation needed.

[usa1ah]

22 hours ago, Greystone85 said:

yeah admittedly I guess I didn't think this thoroughly or I was.. ..a bit too heart strung... She's in her 20's.

I screwed up. I just kinda wish I could fix this situation now.

Then go in there and ask how you conman fix it. 

[Alvi]

5 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Then go in there and ask how you conman fix it.

But there is nothing to fix since nothing is actually broken. This woman is not interested, that's all. Asking this particular woman how he can fix this is going to result in even more awkwardness. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

But there is nothing to fix since nothing is actually broken. This woman is not interested, that's all. Asking this particular woman how he can fix this is going to result in even more awkwardness. 

Yes. And to be honest, it isn't fair to pursue this one further. She's at work, she can't walk away, she's trapped by the customer demanding to know what he did wrong, or asking again or whatever...don't do this. The answer is obviously no, so try to do things differently with the next person.

[beentheredonethat77]

So you slipped a woman your phone number and she wasn't interested.   Tale as old as time.   You *accept* that she is not interested and you move on.  The sensible advice would be to do nothing,  and completely steer clear of her and this starbucks for a while.

Im not sure you can do this though.. so 

If you want to 'fix it':  (ie, make it less awkward for her at work and you being a customer).  Not 'get her to like you' -- that ship has sailed. 

Walk into starbucks confidentially, be warm and friendly to everyone (but understated.. not awkward).  Order your favorite, sit comfortably reading or  texting whatever you usually do then you leave and get on with your day.   Appear as though you have forgotten about it yourself -- fake this til you make it.   After a few weeks of this, they'll have nothing to whisper/laugh or talk about -- it will be Much Ado About nothing.   You may be twisting with anxiety on the inside but do not show it. 

 Accept that it may take a few weeks of this to fully subside and no matter what, do not pursue her again... no staring, lingering gazes, no trying to get her alone or making excuses to get closer proximity to her.    Act as if you are completely over her and do this consistently until all weird energy has subsided.

[spiderowl]

On 6/25/2021 at 5:56 PM, Greystone85 said:

Well.. ..lesson learned.

Do you think I can fix what happened at this store?

I don't think you need to fix anything.  You tried to ask her out and she didn't respond.

I would just go about your business as usual.  You have nothing to feel bad about.  You are a guy with drive and gumption; if she chooses not to take you up on your invitation, that's her loss.  Whatever you do, don't apologise, just write her off as not interested and confidently go about getting your coffees as usual.

[Greystone85]

Welp. I haven't gone back there. It has been tempting because my mind rambles about the what-if's but I don't want to make this any worse.

Edited June 30, 2021 by Greystone85

[Miss Spider]

Going to be brutally honest in my opinion. This tends to happen when you put all your eggs in one basket… You put all your bets on one play and so much more is at stake, you’re nervous, so it comes off awkward.. You are inexperienced with dating and not that confident. That is probably what led you to approach her like that anyway  Because most  guys might be like yea she’s cute but don’t catch oneitis for customer service employees. My advice is to work on yourself and adopt a different mentality to see more success with dating. If you see yourself as more of a catch this is less likely to happen. Also don’t talk about your debt to a girl you’re about to ask out, that’s a later convo, a no no 

[Greystone85]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Going to be brutally honest in my opinion. This tends to happen when you put all your eggs in one basket… You put all your bets on one play and so much more is at stake, you’re nervous, so it comes off awkward.. You are inexperienced with dating and not that confident. That is probably what led you to approach her like that anyway  Because most  guys might be like yea she’s cute but don’t catch oneitis for customer service employees. My advice is to work on yourself and adopt a different mentality to see more success with dating. If you see yourself as more of a catch this is less likely to happen. Also don’t talk about your debt to a girl you’re about to ask out, that’s a later convo, a no no 

Well, TBH I have had a thing for her for quite some time, although I've been casual around her up until this point. During that time I've also been trying to improve my skill with talking to women. Im extremely shy and I have to force myself to do it often times. Initially I kind of did the same to her which is why I gave her compliments subtle things, noticing when she changed her hair color, ect.. Initially I had no issues with talking to her (unless she looked busy of which I didnt try to bother her if she did...) but when I did talk to her and even had a good convo with her where I could have asked her number, I just became afraid of doing it. I didn't want to make a scene, embarrass her, or cause problems in the store because its a place of business, then I guess I was also afraid of doing it... and it pent up inside me for awhile until I pretty much told myself do or die, have to do it at all costs the next time I see her... ...and thats what led me to doing what I did.

Meanwhile, I have been talking to other women on the side, even casually gathered their phone numbers as well, even if I had no true interest in them. It was just mainly to see if I could really bring myself to doing it, and I was successful in many cases but I never followed up with them after because the girl I really liked was the Starbucks lady.. ..and ironically... it ended terribly.

See thing is about me is, I'm pretty picky but when I find someone I like I get very attached very easily and the others that I don't really have interest in, its hard for me to really pursue.

Half of me really wants to appoligize to her because I feel pretty bad about how this ended and how uncomfortable I may have made her but the other half says she probably won't want to hear it. The last times I went in she evaded me (although I didn't go there to confront her, I was trying to be a normal customer but I guess that ship has sailed too.)

Edited June 30, 2021 by Greystone85

[Greystone85]

I guess although this ending was predictable it was still painful because I walked into this not knowing I was going to cause such a mess and thats what sucks because I didn't intend on this going so bad.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Greystone85 said:

I guess although this ending was predictable it was still painful because I walked into this not knowing I was going to cause such a mess and thats what sucks because I didn't intend on this going so bad.

Nothing happened. She simply didn't use the number. She probably gets that all the time.

If it's awkward going back to this place, you can just go somewhere else that much wiser about not hitting on people at their workplace.

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Greystone85 said:

Well, TBH I have had a thing for her for quite some time, although I've been casual around her up until this point. During that time I've also been trying to improve my skill with talking to women. Im extremely shy and I have to force myself to do it often times. Initially I kind of did the same to her which is why I gave her compliments subtle things, noticing when she changed her hair color, ect.. Initially I had no issues with talking to her (unless she looked busy of which I didnt try to bother her if she did...) but when I did talk to her and even had a good convo with her where I could have asked her number, I just became afraid of doing it. I didn't want to make a scene, embarrass her, or cause problems in the store because its a place of business, then I guess I was also afraid of doing it... and it pent up inside me for awhile until I pretty much told myself do or die, have to do it at all costs the next time I see her... ...and thats what led me to doing what I did.

Meanwhile, I have been talking to other women on the side, even casually gathered their phone numbers as well, even if I had no true interest in them. It was just mainly to see if I could really bring myself to doing it, and I was successful in many cases but I never followed up with them after because the girl I really liked was the Starbucks lady.. ..and ironically... it ended terribly.

See thing is about me is, I'm pretty picky but when I find someone I like I get very attached very easily and the others that I don't really have interest in, its hard for me to really pursue.

Half of me really wants to appoligize to her because I feel pretty bad about how this ended and how uncomfortable I may have made her but the other half says she probably won't want to hear it. The last times I went in she evaded me (although I didn't go there to confront her, I was trying to be a normal customer but I guess that ship has sailed too.)

Yeah I completely understand. What you are saying is all very common. Also part that when you crush on someone it’s harder to approach. Just saying this is an area for growth for you, I think. I was the same way when I was super inexperienced with dating, ( I very easily crushed on one person I hardly knew)  but after dating a few people and working on myself it changed drastically. 
 

When you are shy and attractive person seems interested in you it’s easier  to crush. But kerp in mind being nice in customer service is their job. Also I am not saying that you did any grievous wrong here. Certainly nothing that warrants an apology. You shoot your shot, just brush it off and keep going and getting coffee and leveling up 

[norealusername]

Don't beat yourself up over it, it's not a big deal. She's probably had other guys do the same thing.

It's better you gave it a shot than doing nothing.

[Greystone85]

I just want to leave an update as per what happened.

After about 3 weeks of not going there, I went back in the middle of last week solely with the intention of getting my drink. Nothing more. If I saw her I was just going to pretend she wasn't there. She was there the day I went back. I didn't acknowledge her at first but she did something I wasn't exactly expecting. She came around to my side of the counter to stock some items and looked at me and smiled and told me "Hi". I told her Hi, and asked if she was having a good day, she was.. ..I left it at that. I grabbed my drink and left afterward... kept it casual.

I didn't go back immediately after that because I did not want to crowd her or cause any more problems.

I guess in a way I'm kind of confused, she avoided me 3 - 4ish weeks ago and I know her saying Hi to me doesn't necessarily mean interest, but I guess I was expecting her to remain evasive. The time before that, she ran into the back office and hid from me and she easily could have waited until I left to stock the items she stocked. She wasn't serving me or anything so she didn't have to communicate with me if she didn't want to.

Here is the big question.. ..given she did that, is this an opening saying that it is 'okay' to talk to her? or should I continue to just let this be? 

Edited July 23, 2021 by Greystone85

[La.Primavera]

No.  Given how uncomfortable she felt by the situation I think you should respect her boundaries and leave her alone.  Her behavior was in no way a green light to start engaging her in conversation again or a sign that she has changed her mind.  To be fair, why should she have to run out the back or actively avoid doing her job when you show up?  It was a once off thing which she nipped in the bud by avoiding you, which made a point.  Now she is just trying to be professional and let you know there are no hard feelings.  However, I wouldn't push it further as it will be extremely obvious what you're agenda is and if she starts to feel uncomfortable again she will likely start avoiding you or possibly become hostile.  Respect her non verbal attempt to say no and find someone who reciprocates your interest. 

If you can't let it go and can't stop thinking about it, you should probably shouldn't go there anymore.

 

Edited July 23, 2021 by La.Primavera

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Greystone85 said:

given she did that, is this an opening saying that it is 'okay' to talk to her?

No, is isn't. 

She's just trying to make it less awkward when you come in. You're reading too much into it. 

[Miss Spider]

10 hours ago, Greystone85 said:

I just want to leave an update as per what happened.

After about 3 weeks of not going there, I went back in the middle of last week solely with the intention of getting my drink. Nothing more. If I saw her I was just going to pretend she wasn't there. She was there the day I went back. I didn't acknowledge her at first but she did something I wasn't exactly expecting. She came around to my side of the counter to stock some items and looked at me and smiled and told me "Hi". I told her Hi, and asked if she was having a good day, she was.. ..I left it at that. I grabbed my drink and left afterward... kept it casual.

I didn't go back immediately after that because I did not want to crowd her or cause any more problems.

I guess in a way I'm kind of confused, she avoided me 3 - 4ish weeks ago and I know her saying Hi to me doesn't necessarily mean interest, but I guess I was expecting her to remain evasive. The time before that, she ran into the back office and hid from me and she easily could have waited until I left to stock the items she stocked. She wasn't serving me or anything so she didn't have to communicate with me if she didn't want to.

Here is the big question.. ..given she did that, is this an opening saying that it is 'okay' to talk to her? or should I continue to just let this be? 

Yea ,  she’s in customer service. She is going to be polite to you. She is going to brush off what happens after she feels comfortable enough to do so. She isn’t interested in you. But you are a customer that she values and sure it is fine to keep going to the coffee shop. Just don’t make her uncomfortable by flirting or asking her out again or anything since she’s not interested