Greystone85 Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 First, alittle backstory on me... I am mid-30's and I've never dated anyone in person in my life, except for a few online relationships. I'm a very shy person and it takes ALOT for me to ask someone I like out. Keyword is like. I have absolutely no trouble talking to random women or getting their phone numbers or anything of that nature when I don't care about them but when I do it becomes like pulling teeth for me to do. I met a girl at Starbucks several months ago. I had been going to that store long before I met her and casually spoke with people there but this one particularly I found to be very cute. During the X-Mas season they were asking people random questions and she found my answers to be somewhat interesting and entertaining. More and more I went there and I started giving her simple compliments which she took kindly to, and then it wasn't just about going to Starbucks but I wanted to see her. I didn't tell her this of course. When I did go there and there were either alot of people, or she seemed very busy, I avoided talking to her. When she seemed more approachable I would try to talk to her. Just casual stuff. My cats, what she does outside of work, hobbies, ect.. It came to a point where I wanted to ask her phone number but I could never bring myself to doing it, especially if she were busy. So I kept going there and things got alittle silent between us, meanwhile other girls started trying to initiate conversation with me. I spoke with them casually but kinda didn't want to leave the wrong impressions as I had a situation in the past where I liked a girl at a restaurant but another started to flirt with me, the girl I liked completely stopped talking to me after I talked with the second girl and I didn't want that to happen here so I basically started evading them. I started talking with the girl I liked again and that initiated conversation between us again, but some things started changing too... she started waving at me whenever I came in, she would even come up to me to initiate conversation with me and I even had two moments where no one was around us and we had a decent talk and I could have asked her number but I just couldn't do it. Sometimes it even seemed like she was trying to hint me on to do it (I can't truly tell TBH, I could be entirely wrong).. After that happened.. ..I just told myself I 'have' to do it because I will never do it if I don't force myself.. ..but I didn't want to make a big scene inside Starbucks.. ..so I wrote a letter saying "I really enjoy talking to you and just wanted to know if you would like to chat outside of work - XXX-XXX-XXXX" I came there the next morning but she wasn't there. I work two jobs so I ended up pulling an all-nighter and on my way home I decided to try again this time at 5:30am right after they opened because I knew she would be there and customer volume would be light. So I got there and her co-workers told me I was there super early - which is true because I normally dont go there until 11am when I'm on my way to the office. I told them I hadn't been to sleep yet and was just getting off work. The girl I like was there and asked me what do I do for work. I told her I work at ((major IT company)) and she was shocked. I also told her I work two jobs as I do Uber/Lyft in the evenings as I got laid off from my previous job during the Pandemic and racked up some debts and am trying to pay them back. She told me that was good and atleast I have drive, ect.. ..I got my order and then.. ..thats when I forced myself to do it. I asked if I could give her something. Gave her the note.. ..and I became extremely nervous after I did that.. ..I left quickly after. I saw her put it in her pocket. That was it. I've probably made mistakes up to this point but .. .. this is where the fruit of them really begins to manifest She didn't call or text. I didn't want to 'stop going' there as I was a long time customer and disappearing might have seemed odd but I also didn't want to confront her either.. So I went as a regular customer. First on Tuesday (3 days after the letter) which she wasnt there and remained casual.. ..then on Friday.. ..which she was there... her coworkers immediately called out my name and one of them giggled at me and I just kinda... was like...yeah.. She was there this time but I didn't look at her or pay her any attention though as I didn't want to crowd her. Well.. I placed my order and went to the far side of the room .. she gave me no acknowledgement at all. I got my drink and left quickly. The next go round there was noone at the register, she was fairly close by it and one of her coworkers asked if she could help me, well...she ignored us both. I basically remained calm and pretended not to notice or care and eventually someone else helped me...I basically got my drink and left then too. The final round was this morning and this was probably my fault. I wanted to confront her to apologize to her for doing what I did on Saturday and tell her that I had intended to tell her for a long time but couldnt ever do it but.. ..I went there and I clammed up... ...she was there too... I couldn't do it though. I mainly ignored her and she did the same to me but also told her coworker she would go get something and... went to the back room... after I got my drink I also later came to find it was the wrong order.. ..which to me is quietly telling me to get lost... I guess .. .. it just sucks because I think so highly of her and I like her and I know I messed up and don't want to be in this position with her... I don't know what to do. I want to confront her and apologize to her for everything but Im very afraid of doing that especially inside of Starbucks and I know if I go back again, I will have to confront her or I will be a confirmed stalker.. but I feel extremely uneasy about doing that.
Wiseman2 Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 Sorry this happened. Employees have to be nice and friendly to customers in service industries like this. It's awkward asking someone out in their workplace. Slipping someone your number is not the way to go about it. 1
Author Greystone85 Posted June 25, 2021 Author Posted June 25, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. Employees have to be nice and friendly to customers in service industries like this. It's awkward asking someone out in their workplace. Slipping someone your number is not the way to go about it. Would it have been better to have asked her out? Edited June 25, 2021 by Greystone85
Wiseman2 Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 Just now, Greystone85 said: Would it have been better to have asked her out? Never bother people at work. A workplace is not a singles club. She's there to get a paycheck not have guys who walk in there hit on her. Just use dating apps or meet women other ways. 2
Author Greystone85 Posted June 25, 2021 Author Posted June 25, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Never bother people at work. A workplace is not a singles club. She's there to get a paycheck not have guys who walk in there hit on her. Just use dating apps or meet women other ways. Well.. ..lesson learned. Do you think I can fix what happened at this store?
smackie9 Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 dude notes say no confidence or I'm that lazy I can't ask...plus women find it rather insulting if you give your number and request them to contact you. Let me tell you this...first impression count. 4
Author Greystone85 Posted June 25, 2021 Author Posted June 25, 2021 3 minutes ago, smackie9 said: dude notes say no confidence or I'm that lazy I can't ask...plus women find it rather insulting if you give your number and request them to contact you. Let me tell you this...first impression count. Do you think I can fix this situation?
Ami1uwant Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 5 minutes ago, smackie9 said: dude notes say no confidence or I'm that lazy I can't ask...plus women find it rather insulting if you give your number and request them to contact you. Let me tell you this...first impression count. I disagree on the number part. I’ve always done it first out of respect for her privacy. Of course there are style points in giving out your number. As for the OP..... I don’t read much in kindness by people where that is part of their job. I don’t read that they like me. if I regularly went there andsaw her and we seemed to talk more like during slow times or on break she came over and talked with me, or I ran into her not at work I might ask her out. im shy when it comes to random meet events to decide to ask for a number. I’ve had better luck if I repeatedly saw them and we talked then I might ask them out. I recall a time in my early 20s going to a popular bar where the place was packed. Their was a waitress I got to know and talk to. I didn’t read anything to it because conversation wasn’t to deep. A few years later I ran into her at a dive bar me and friends woukd sometimes go to. I initially didn’t recognize her because she didnt have the same hair color as the bar days. We had a very good conversation but I didn’t Perdue anything more This was one of those regrets I wonder about. with OLD it breaks the ice for me in starting conversations. 1
Author Greystone85 Posted June 25, 2021 Author Posted June 25, 2021 (edited) 26 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: I disagree on the number part. I’ve always done it first out of respect for her privacy. Of course there are style points in giving out your number. As for the OP..... I don’t read much in kindness by people where that is part of their job. I don’t read that they like me. if I regularly went there andsaw her and we seemed to talk more like during slow times or on break she came over and talked with me, or I ran into her not at work I might ask her out. im shy when it comes to random meet events to decide to ask for a number. I’ve had better luck if I repeatedly saw them and we talked then I might ask them out. I recall a time in my early 20s going to a popular bar where the place was packed. Their was a waitress I got to know and talk to. I didn’t read anything to it because conversation wasn’t to deep. A few years later I ran into her at a dive bar me and friends woukd sometimes go to. I initially didn’t recognize her because she didnt have the same hair color as the bar days. We had a very good conversation but I didn’t Perdue anything more This was one of those regrets I wonder about. with OLD it breaks the ice for me in starting conversations. Well. She did initiate talk a few times during slower periods. I usually avoided talking to her when things were busy unless she made a comment first. something else I have been worried about is this. When I came in and gave her the note she asked about my job and I told her what I did for work which shocked her. Thing is I’m worried that she may think that I intentionally came in there to ‘sell myself’ and try to pick her up so to speak. Edited June 25, 2021 by Greystone85
Ami1uwant Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 7 minutes ago, Greystone85 said: Well. We did talk a few times during slower periods. I usually avoided talking to her when things were busy unless she made a comment first. something else I have been worried about is this. When I came in and gave her the note she asked about my job and I told her what I did for work which shocked her. Thing is I’m worried that she may think that I intentionally came in there to ‘sell myself’ and try to pick her up so to speak. 7 minutes ago, Greystone85 said: Well. We did talk a few times during slower periods. I usually avoided talking to her when things were busy unless she made a comment first. something else I have been worried about is this. When I came in and gave her the note she asked about my job and I told her what I did for work which shocked her. Thing is I’m worried that she may think that I intentionally came in there to ‘sell myself’ and try to pick her up so to speak. What’s your job?
balletomane Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 OP, you seem to feel the problem is your manner of approach, and that if only you'd acted differently (not telling her your job, speaking instead of writing a note, etc.) the situation would be fine. I don't think that's true. The problem is hitting on someone while they're just trying to do their job. As others have pointed out, retail workers and hospitality staff have to be friendly and take an interest in customers. This is their job. It doesn't mean they're romantically interested in you. Women in these roles tend to get hit on a lot, so it gets tiring and annoying for them very quickly. I'd leave it there. Don't keep trying to have more conversations with this woman. She's made it plain she's not interested. If you've made it to your mid-thirties without ever having a relationship, and it isn't because you simply prefer the single life, there is a problem here that goes deeper than the Starbucks situation. Rather than thinking about how to 'fix' things with a barista who is likely to be embarrassed, uneasy, and avoiding you, you need to think about how you can change your approach to dating and relationships more broadly. 3
flitzanu Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 i think your best move right now is to just stop. her body language should be telling you your answer, that she is avoiding contact with you since this incident. i'd highly recommend not trying to "fix" anything. you don't need to apologize and you don't need to bring it up yet again, as it seems clear she is very awkward and possibly put off by it, and further communication is going to make it worse. 3
Author Greystone85 Posted June 25, 2021 Author Posted June 25, 2021 (edited) Okay. I will let this one go and stop going to that store. 20 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: What’s your job? I'm an IT Network Analyst for a major computer company (hinting Lenovo, IBM, HPE, Dell, ect) Edited June 25, 2021 by Greystone85
Author Greystone85 Posted June 25, 2021 Author Posted June 25, 2021 19 minutes ago, balletomane said: If you've made it to your mid-thirties without ever having a relationship, and it isn't because you simply prefer the single life, there is a problem here that goes deeper than the Starbucks situation. Rather than thinking about how to 'fix' things with a barista who is likely to be embarrassed, uneasy, and avoiding you, you need to think about how you can change your approach to dating and relationships more broadly. You have a point with this but I don't know where to begin.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 (edited) 33 minutes ago, Greystone85 said: When I came in and gave her the note she asked about my job and I told her what I did for work which shocked her. Thing is I’m worried that she may think that I intentionally came in there to ‘sell myself’ and try to pick her up so to speak. You're completely over-thinking that. She likely asked because they were surprised to see you there so early so she was curious what sort of job might have kept you up all night. She wasn't expecting IT to tbe answer. She was not shocked by your job but likely confused why that would mean you had worked all night - until you clarified you also drive Uber/Lyft. I also would not try to "fix" this, so to speak. It is fairly clear that she does not reciprocate your interest, unfortunately. For all you know, she might have a boyfriend or be into an entirely different sort of guy. The manner of approach was clumsy but I don't think that's the main issue. Edited June 25, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1
smackie9 Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 By the reaction of her coworkers, they are teasing the crap out of her, and she didn't want that kind of attention. I think that ship has sailed.
Yosemite Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 Is she around your age? Baristas around here tend to be in high school or college aged...you're almost 40. So that may have a lot to do with it. Avoid asking out people while they're at work, they have to be nice to you, they don't have a choice. You say that a lot of women come up to you and and flirt with you...well those are the women you should go for. Ask one of them out.
Author Greystone85 Posted June 25, 2021 Author Posted June 25, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Yosemite said: Is she around your age? Baristas around here tend to be in high school or college aged...you're almost 40. So that may have a lot to do with it. Avoid asking out people while they're at work, they have to be nice to you, they don't have a choice. You say that a lot of women come up to you and and flirt with you...well those are the women you should go for. Ask one of them out. yeah admittedly I guess I didn't think this thoroughly or I was.. ..a bit too heart strung... She's in her 20's. I screwed up. I just kinda wish I could fix this situation now. Edited June 25, 2021 by Greystone85
stillafool Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 I think you should have looked her in the eyes and boldly asked her out in person. Then she could have told you "I have a boyfriend" or "We are not allowed to date customers". It's probably one of those 2 reasons anyway. At least you wouldn't be left wondering and it would have shown you have confidence. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 1 hour ago, Greystone85 said: I screwed up. I just kinda wish I could fix this situation now. What if the issue was not your approach, though?
Author Greystone85 Posted June 25, 2021 Author Posted June 25, 2021 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: What if the issue was not your approach, though? Well, it probably wasnt I just feel bad about it now because now all her coworkers are making fun of her and I made her job harder.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 7 minutes ago, Greystone85 said: Well, it probably wasnt I just feel bad about it now because now all her coworkers are making fun of her and I made her job harder. I think she'll be fine, OP. They'll get over it the way most "office gossip" usually blows over quickly. They aren't giving it as much though as you are, I promise. 2
stillafool Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 1 hour ago, Greystone85 said: Well, it probably wasnt I just feel bad about it now because now all her coworkers are making fun of her and I made her job harder. I doubt they are "making fun of" her. Maybe a little teasing is all. She didn't have to tell them about you if she didn't want to. I don't think you should have ignored her but talk to her. Just be yourself.
norealusername Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 I don't think you can fix this either. If she was interested, she would have called or at least kept talking to you. I'm not sure the note blew it for you or anything else. If you asked her out to her face, you probably would've been rejected. I've mistaken flirting also with cashiers when they were just being friendly at their job. It's awkward and embarrassing.
basil67 Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 When my daughter was working retail, she believed the most respectful way of asking out a worker was to give them your number. Why? Because if you want to say No, it's very difficult to do so when you're in a role which involves being nice and positive to everyone. So she would say you did exactly the right thing. I noticed that you mentioned how she'd chat with you when she wasn't busy - this is good customer service. Learn their names, know their order, have some chit chat, make it feel personalised.
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