Coasting1991 Posted June 24, 2021 Posted June 24, 2021 Hi All, Long time lurker. Getting back into dating post-COVID, wanted to get peoples opinion on this. I've met a woman through OLD, have been dating her for the past month or so. We've gone on 5 dates; at first I was a little worried that she was too serious (as in her demeanor) for me, but as we've been going out she has been opening up and becoming a lot more expressive in terms of joking, playful banter, etc. She is fairly introverted and very independent, so I think she is someone who is a little more guarded until opening up. Our dates have been great - doing things we both like enjoy (picnics, hikes), over time we've had more serious conversations where we've talked our childhood, past dating life, friend and family etc. so things are progressing great in that regard. However, outside of end-of-the-date hugs, there's no physical intimacy. We haven't kissed yet, or really even been physical in terms of pre-kissing things (bumping in to each other, leaning on each other, etc.). I do things like stand close to her, make sure to some make eye contact while talking, etc. but yeah idk it just hasn't happened. Whenever we say goodbye I'll drag it out to try to make something happen, but she will go for the hug. Communication between dates is a little low (she's not really a texter and works 13-15hr shifts when she has work), but she always send a text after our dates to say that she had a great time and is always receptive to another one (and has planned some for us herself). She's talked about dating and hooking up with others in conversation, so I don't think she is against physical intimacy, and has directly referenced what we're doing as dating, so I don't THINK I've been friendzoned... yet lol. I don't mind waiting at all, I just don't want to wait too long to where she loses interest for anything romantic. And, I really enjoy intimacy (not only sex but kissing, cuddling, etc.) in my relationships, so I am also a little worried that maybe we aren't compatible in that regard. Any thoughts on this?
smackie9 Posted June 24, 2021 Posted June 24, 2021 maybe she doesn't want this to be just any "hookup", just keep going out on dates....and leave the deep talks out or that will really put you into the friends zone. Be fun, make it light, and upbeat. 2
Author Coasting1991 Posted June 24, 2021 Author Posted June 24, 2021 9 minutes ago, smackie9 said: maybe she doesn't want this to be just any "hookup", just keep going out on dates....and leave the deep talks out or that will really put you into the friends zone. Be fun, make it light, and upbeat. I hear you on the deep talks - she's (usually) the one to bring the topics up and I talk about it then, but other than that I try to keep it fun and upbeat. Thanks for the response!
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2021 Posted June 24, 2021 This sounds a little familiar… my partner would say, it was worth the wait. I say, this is the time to take the lead and see if this is going to progress. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, but take her hand or plan a nice date where she is able to see that you are very interested in dating her - she will either appreciate that and respond or she will let you know otherwise. 1
norealusername Posted June 24, 2021 Posted June 24, 2021 Have you tried making any moves? Invite her to your place to watch a movie, little easier to try something rather than out in public. I sometimes just tell the woman I'd like to kiss her. 1
cleverusername Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 (edited) Just kiss her man, why are YOU waiting? Edited June 25, 2021 by cleverusername 5 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 This is weird...kissing shouldn’t be viewed the same way as sex in terms of being just a hook up. Since you said these are more than just dinner meets I’d think something comes out.
salparadise Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 11 hours ago, Coasting1991 said: Whenever we say goodbye I'll drag it out to try to make something happen, but she will go for the hug. She's talked about dating and hooking up with others in conversation I can't tell if she's avoiding it, or if you're not making a move. What keeps you from kissing when you hug? If it's not a friendzone, then she's got to be thinking WTF. I think you need to make a strong move and let the chips fall where they may. That way if she's avoiding you, it becomes obvious and you make her explain it. Hope it's not too late. 2
Blind-Sided Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 Maybe she is waiting for you to make the first move?? so... make the next date in a less "public" place. 2
Wiseman2 Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 50 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: Maybe she is waiting for you to make the first move?? so... make the next date in a less "public" place. Agree. Doesn't seem like the friendzone so you'll have to create a conducive environment. She may be pacing herself because she likes you and doesn't want to come on too strong. 1
cleverusername Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 (edited) 42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Agree. Doesn't seem like the friendzone so you'll have to create a conducive environment. She may be pacing herself because she likes you and doesn't want to come on too strong. It's a kiss not anal sex...... He just needs to go for it when they hug goodbye. Look into her eyes and if she is looking into yours kiss her. This whole description sounds like just two people awkwardly hugging and is totally an attraction killer. It's like if two people were trying to spoon butt to butt, it just doesn't have the same effect. Edited June 25, 2021 by cleverusername 1
Fletch Lives Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 Of course there is no sex - because you have not opened that door. The first big kiss opens the door to further intimacy. That's why we call it the big one. You should kiss a woman you like within the first three dates...otherwise, they can lose interest.
smackie9 Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 (edited) 16 hours ago, Coasting1991 said: I hear you on the deep talks - she's (usually) the one to bring the topics up and I talk about it then, but other than that I try to keep it fun and upbeat. Thanks for the response! They say don't be someones emotional tampon. Divert with wit, humor and positivity. Edited June 25, 2021 by smackie9 1
Gaeta Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 I think you're too slow. You're probably waiting for her to stand there giving you a big green light that she wants to be kissed. If she accepted 5 dates it means she wants to be kissed. Does she accept you hold her hand? Last night I had a date and at some point in the evening, as we were walking, he reached to hold my hand. I let him cause I liked him, that also gave him an indication I would welcome a kiss. 5 1
cleverusername Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: I think you're too slow. You're probably waiting for her to stand there giving you a big green light that she wants to be kissed. If she accepted 5 dates it means she wants to be kissed. Does she accept you hold her hand? Last night I had a date and at some point in the evening, as we were walking, he reached to hold my hand. I let him cause I liked him, that also gave him an indication I would welcome a kiss. On a first date he held your hand?
Gaeta Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 Just now, cleverusername said: On a first date he held your hand? It was our first date. Yep, and got a kiss too! We spent 4 hours together, ate on a terrace, walked downtown enjoying street entertainers, it was a great date and we clicked right away. Toward the end of the 4 hours he reached to cross his fingers in mine for a few minutes and I let him. 4 1
cleverusername Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: It was our first date. Yep, and got a kiss too! We spent 4 hours together, ate on a terrace, walked downtown enjoying street entertainers, it was a great date and we clicked right away. Toward the end of the 4 hours he reached to cross his fingers in mine for a few minutes and I let him. Dang!!!!! As a guy I think holding hands is way more intimate than kissing, especially on a first date! You must have really clicked and this guy is bold! That's awesome to hear!
Gaeta Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 Just now, cleverusername said: Dang!!!!! As a guy I think holding hands is way more intimate than kissing, especially on a first date! You must have really clicked and this guy is bold! That's awesome to hear! That's interesting, more intimate in what way? I went to 2 different first date lately where the men tried to hold my hand on that first meeting and I did not let them EVEN if I was open for a 2nd date. I also avoided the good bye kiss. I guess I really clicked with last night man, OR he's got good games! lol 1
cleverusername Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Gaeta said: That's interesting, more intimate in what way? I went to 2 different first date lately where the men tried to hold my hand on that first meeting and I did not let them EVEN if I was open for a 2nd date. I also avoided the good bye kiss. I guess I really clicked with last night man, OR he's got good games! lol It's like a blind kiss. When you are kissing, you can read body language to gauge interest, etc before going in. Going for the hand hold, is all or nothing. There is no body language that says, "I want you to hold my hand" you just gotta go for it. He had enough trust in you and your connection to risk it. If he failed and you weren't having it, it is pretty much game over (I'm just envisioning all the times milania swatted trumps hand away lol) At the same time you had enough trust and connection with him to literally let him guide you by the hand. A kiss is just a kiss and happens all the time, you kiss friends on the cheek, you kiss your parents, a random date. You don't hold hands with just anyone. Summary, Kiss is just attraction. Hand holding is a kiss with trust. Edited June 25, 2021 by cleverusername 1
SumGuy Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: That's interesting, more intimate in what way? I also find it odd some consider holding hands more intimate. I've been told it means more we are together, a bit of emotional "commitment." I find this odd as if actual physical kissing is not, like there is no emotional intimacy in kissing. Nevertheless keep it in mind, to each there own. Of course never tried to kiss anyone on a first date without first touching/holding hands at the table or walking to the car. Even if such touch is almost immediately before the kiss 1
SumGuy Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 Just now, cleverusername said: ... There is no body language that says, "I want you to hold my hand" you just gotta go for it. Au contraire. There is plenty of body language, also do not discount the general vibe, the conversation as signals. When I have reached to hold a hand it has never been blind, as with any physical touch. I'm not certain if you get just lucky in this regard or are picking up on the signals subconsciously. There are also plenty of ways to "discretely" brush hands and check, just like how far apart you are, do you lean in, get close....all sorts of body language. Let alone eye-beams. Quote At the same time you had enough trust and connection with him to literally let him guide you by the hand. A kiss is just a kiss and happens all the time, you kiss friends on the cheek, you kiss your parents, a random date. You don't hold hands with just anyone. A kiss is not just a kiss. A kiss on a date is completely different...first it usually does not mean on the cheek. I don't know about you but I don't kiss my parents, or friends, or kids, on the lips). You just don't kiss anyone on the lips, and you just don't kiss anyone in a romantic context. Have never met any woman who thinks a kiss at the end of a date is no thing, just something that happens all the time with no more intimacy than shakings hands. Now I get some cultures do kiss on the lips in a platonic fashion. There are also cultures where friends hold hands all the time, where people hold the hands of relatives, all non-romantic. 1
cleverusername Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 3 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Au contraire. There is plenty of body language, also do not discount the general vibe, the conversation as signals. When I have reached to hold a hand it has never been blind, as with any physical touch. I'm not certain if you get just lucky in this regard or are picking up on the signals subconsciously. There are also plenty of ways to "discretely" brush hands and check, just like how far apart you are, do you lean in, get close....all sorts of body language. Let alone eye-beams. I guess context matters too. I'm envisioning walking down the street and just slipping your hand into hers..... Face to face is a little different. 5 minutes ago, SumGuy said: A kiss is not just a kiss. A kiss on a date is completely different...first it usually does not mean on the cheek. I don't know about you but I don't kiss my parents, or friends, or kids, on the lips). You just don't kiss anyone on the lips, and you just don't kiss anyone in a romantic context. Ehhhh, disagree. I can walk into any crowded bar on a Friday night and find someone I can kiss and is willing to kiss me back. NBD. You would be very hard pressed to find a woman willing to hold your hand for a few minutes. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 3 hours ago, cleverusername said: It's a kiss not anal sex.. Sorry, it's unclear why you quoted my advice to the OP and inserted this unrelated hyperbole?
SumGuy Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 1 minute ago, cleverusername said: ...Ehhhh, disagree. I can walk into any crowded bar on a Friday night and find someone I can kiss and is willing to kiss me back. NBD. You would be very hard pressed to find a woman willing to hold your hand for a few minutes. Not saying that way of looking at things doesn't exist, and maybe that is your pond. My expereince is the opposite in the context of dating for women looking for more than a hook up. I am assuming you mean full mouth on mouth kiss and not just a peck. Clearly no big deal to you, or her, but it is for many. If nothing else you know bodily fluid contact with some rando, like won't just share a drink with anybody. Again recognize this happens but find it odd the divorce between such physically close acts and emotion, while a touching of hands is verboten because it signals emotional connection. Sure you can stick your tongue on my lips, in my mouth, but whoa buddy don't act like I like you. Just to wrap up, I never respond from a place of what works at the bar or pick up scene...it's all about relationships and connection for me. Oh on walking side by side there are plenty of ways to get an idea from body language if holding hands will be welcomed. 2
cleverusername Posted June 25, 2021 Posted June 25, 2021 9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry, it's unclear why you quoted my advice to the OP and inserted this unrelated hyperbole? You said Quote She may be pacing herself because she likes you and doesn't want to come on too strong. The hyperbole is that a kiss, in the grand scheme of things and especially after 5 dates, isn't extreme or intrusive. It isn't some extreme intimate sexual act like what I alluded to, so she should not be concerned by coming off too strong or pacing after 5 dates, it's only a kiss. 1
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