Very little physical intimacy…

[zenmama2]

A little background: I’m a single mom in my 40s with a great job and full life. I’ve been divorced since Feb and separated for a few years before that. I was married for 21 years and the relationship ran its course. My ex and I have no drama and very little conflict. We co parent well. I’m physically fit and active and super happy.  I bought a house this spring and got a promotion at work. So, things are good overall!

I met a guy on a dating app 7 months ago. My divorce was wrapping up. At first, I wasn’t that into him but I gave it a chance because he’s really fun and was into pursuing a real relationship. We have a BLAST together and he makes me laugh. We have a ton of similar hobbies and really enjoy our time together. My kids adore him and so do my friends. Over time, I really began to fall for him. I’ve become good friends with his sister too. All the pieces are falling into place except one really major one…
 

At the start, we had a good physical relationship. I didn’t get butterflies or feel deep lust, but it felt safe and healthy. I could be myself in bed and began to enjoy him.
 

In early spring I had a few doubts about the intensity of the relationship and told him I needed some space. I took a week and he came to me wanting another chance. He was visibly upset snd I saw that his feelings were deep. This brought us closer and I started to really begin to love and care for him.
 

After that, the sexual relationship stopped. We’ve only been intimate twice since early April. I’m totally confused and really frustrated. He doesn’t initiate and when I do, he pulls away. I’ve told him how dissatisfied I am and that I feel super rejected. He says something is wrong with him. He doesn’t know what, but his libido is absent. He even went to the doctor to have his testosterone checked. There’s nothing wrong medically. He says he has no idea what going on but he’s had sexual issues before. Never a decreased libido like this though. He’s told me this will get better but it’s been 3 months. I don’t see any change snd I feel like our relationship is at a standstill.
 

I don’t need crazy intercourses all of the time, but I do want to have some physical intimacy. Its really staring to hurt and I’m so confused. We talk about it a d I’m very sensitive and careful around the topic, while not diminishing my need for intimacy.
 

Advice on what to do? Stick around and keep waiting? Try a few things to see if it improves? Cut my losses and see other people? 
 

This sucks so badly. 

Edited June 24, 2021 by zenmama2

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, zenmama2 said:

In early spring I had a few doubts about the intensity of the relationship and told him I needed some space.

I feel like there is something here that is bothering him. Did he take this as a rejection? 

[stillafool]

Well he admitted this has been an issue before so it will probably continue to reoccur.  You have to decide if this is something you can stand.  If sex is very important to you I would cut my losses and leave.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, zenmama2 said:

I had a few doubts about the intensity of the relationship and told him I needed some space. 

After that, the sexual relationship stopped. I feel like our relationship is at a standstill.

Sorry this happened. Rebound relationships in the throes of divorcing rarely work out well.

Basically it seems like breaking up with him, resulted in the demise of the relationship and "second chances", rare work either.

As far as his health issues, it seems he lost attraction/interest due to all the conflicts in 7 short mos.

Just move forward, you're incompatible.

[Gaeta]

How did he work over these issues in the past?

It sounds like you're both hangning on to the friendship and don't want to admit the romance is gone. 

[Blind-Sided]

Unfortunately, some guys in their 40's go thought this.  I was kind of like this with the exW.  I was fine going weeks without sex, but I would still walk up behind her, and give her a hug, or kiss. But, my drive at that point was dictated by her lack of response.  Not cold... but even when she was younger, sex wasn't a priority to her. 

After my D... I was having some light issues with it also.  I was worried that my "Performance" wouldn't be good enough for a younger woman. (Every girl I was meeting was at least 10 years younger)  It was well over a year from the time the exW stopped being intimate with me... and 6 mo past the time my D was final when I finally decided that it was time... and the first girl I was with... I kept it to just a little oral... and while I did finish... it took a while. 

After that, I worried A LOT !  I talked with a couple buddies, and they told me the same.   One of my buddies was already taking a "Little Blue Pill" to help.  While it didn't help me per se.... it was good info. 

It took several more weeks to really get into being intimate with my (now) GF... but without a doubt... her drive is WAY higher than mine.  Over a year later...  I would be fine with once a week or so... but she would prefer it 2 or 3 times a day.  LOL (JK) 

Anyway... I know it doesn't really help in your situation... but maybe he is just worried about things, and that will really effect an older guy's performance and drive.  But then again... if he is cold... that could indicate other issues.

I wish you happiness in moving forward. 

[chillii]

So you say you love and care for him but in only 3mths your out just because something like that's wrong for awhile. Ever thought he maybe didn't get butterflies or deep lust either , maybe he could use you spicing things up he might be bored or missing intensity or be dissatisfied himself too, it is a two way street not only your privilege . Or maybe it's something emotional or the lack of from you his missing or maybe it's nothing to do with you and things return in a few mths, or 6 , or 12, the horror l know. lt's nothing if you truly love him wth wouldn't you give it more time first of all.

However my guess is he doesn't trust you bc you left once already and that's effected his feelings and trust about you and so desire.

Edited June 24, 2021 by chillii

[smackie9]

I would suggest friendship, and date other people.

[spiderowl]

It could be that he doesn't trust the relationship to last and somehow this has turned him off completely.  I don't think you have done anything wrong; it is natural to have doubts if one feels more intense than the other, people don't always move forward together at exactly the same time.

I would trust your instincts on this.  I get the feeling there is an element of 'punishment' involved in what he is doing.  It could be that he is lacking trust and feeling sexually inadequate because of that, but you are feeling hurt and you need more of an explanation that that this has happened before.  I think it is only fair to ask when it happened before and why.

If he is not willing to talk about this, then you need to decide how much of a priority sex is to you.  It seems too early in a relationship for you to be having to give up on that.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, spiderowl said:

It could be that he doesn't trust the relationship to last and somehow this has turned him off completely.

I think you hit the nail on the head. 

He doesn't feel secure anymore, and it extends to his sexual apetite. Not sure this one is salvagable, OP. You both sound like you've lost the spark for each other. 

[Lotsgoingon]

The red flag here is that a few months in, you wanted to stop things.

This part struck me as odd: I took a week and he came to me wanting another chance. He was visibly upset and I saw that his feelings were deep. This brought us closer and I started to really begin to love and care for him.

Sounds to me (and I'm at a distance of course) that you got closer because you felt sorry for him or were moved by his affection for you. You want to get with someone because YOU see the advantage of it, not because you realize someone else has deep feelings. But I'm just poking around here--might be totally off base from what you meant. 

It does sound to me more like a friendship. 

Let's put away sex: do you guys kiss? Does he touch you in flirty and sexy ways? Does he flirt with you and talk about how hot you are?

Just remember: a lot of people--and yes a lot of guys--have no clue about what's really going on inside emotionally. No clue. They are just emotionally disconnected from themselves--which can work for a while but at some point will catch up with you because of the ups and downs and stresses and strains of life.

So if you waiting for him to come up with answers, you might be waiting for a good long time. 
 

Edited June 24, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[MsJayne]

I think you snuffed the romance out when you asked for space. Some people require the full emotional connection to feel physical desire, and when you asked for a break you sent the message that you're not that into him, and it's unlikely he'll come back from that because it made the relationship unequal. 

[Sun Seeker]

Overall it does not sound like you guys are a good match romantically, maybe find someone else you are more compatible with and actually fall head over heels for.

[Calmandfocused]

The problem is that there’s no sexual chemistry between you.

It doesn’t sound like the chemistry was there from the beginning TBH. It seems like you were both forcing something (sex) that probably felt unnatural to both of you. 
 

Since you had that “break” it probably brought the lack of chemistry/ attraction to light. 
 

You can be very emotionally close to someone without it being sexual. It’s called friendship. This is what you have with your boyfriend - a close and loving friendship.

If you can accept that, fine. But don’t hang your hopes on the attraction/ chemistry coming back. It won’t. It was never there to begin with. 
 

 

[zenmama2]

Thanks everyone. I see the theme here and agree. I’m not looking forward to the conversation. I’ve learned not to try to make something work. When I asked for space I should have stuck to my guns. Because now we are here months later and it will be harder to separate.  Thank you all. 

[Trail Blazer]

It sounds like the ship has sailed and your relationship has run its course.  Mismatched libido is a relationship killer.

It sounds like his libido is very much aligned with relationship security.  He feels insecure in the relationship so his desire diminishes.

He is who he is and that's how he ticks.