Wife's infidelity

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

there are posters in here, and on this thread, who have dealt with infidelity 

Agree. It's unclear why you are defending yourself and debating in an infidelity forum as opposed to dealing with the assault trauma in an appropriate confidential therapist's office?

[Harry Korsnes]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. It's unclear why you are defending yourself and debating in an infidelity forum as opposed to dealing with the assault trauma in an appropriate confidential therapist's office?

Exactly 

Op's talking much about the wife and how she's struggeling. Therapy would help. And like Pepperbird said hug and hold her. But i wonder when his reactions will hit?

Then i think he'l need therapy and hugs.

[Harry Korsnes]

18 minutes ago, S2B said:

Have you ever cheated on your wife?

?????

[Tinyjaguar]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Have you ever cheated on your wife?

Never, and I have no intention of ever doing so.

[Tinyjaguar]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

So where is the healthy boundary within the marriage? Be specific.

I'm not sure what you mean.

I accept that my wife made a mistake and she still loves me. That means more to me that anything else.

[Daisydooks]

4 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Also, there are posters in here, and on this thread, who have dealt with infidelity from their spouse and have chosen to forgive and move on. Their partners made a concerted effort to make changes that helped their spouse in the trust, mind movies, etc. 

Just focus on the responses that ARE helpful and ignore the ones that arent.

[Tinyjaguar]

6 hours ago, S2B said:

This is a problem.

every person should have a clear idea of where their healthy boundary is and what that looks like.

a skilled counselor would help you determine what that looks like for you.

 

Well, I have been with my wife for 12 years and married 9 years. We have both step children and children with her. We have a long established relationship and know each other very well. We know our boundaries. This situation occurred due to the effects of a traumatic event which we are well on the road to recovery from and part of that recovery is love, understanding, forgiveness and trust, especially when mistakes are made, by her or myself.

Like I said, it would be wrong of me to recount details on here, but need less to say, I have good reasons for thinking how I do.

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, S2B said:

This is a problem.

every person should have a clear idea of where their healthy boundary is and what that looks like.

a skilled counselor would help you determine what that looks like for you.

 

It's not just OP, though. I'm afraid I'm not sure what you mean in the context in which you used it either. Maybe I'm just a bit slow today. Or maybe the term could benefit from some clarification.

Perhaps if you explain what you mean by "your healthy boundary" in this context by giving an example or by saying why you think OP doesn't have one, your intended meaning will be clearer and OP will be better able to answer your question.

[Tinyjaguar]

5 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

It's not just OP, though. I'm afraid I'm not sure what you mean in the context in which you used it either. Maybe I'm just a bit slow today. Or maybe the term could benefit from some clarification.

Perhaps if you explain what you mean by "your healthy boundary" in this context by giving an example or by saying why you think OP doesn't have one, your intended meaning will be clearer and OP will be better able to answer your question.

I kind of get it. I suspect that he means acceptable behaviour, which is entirely subjective for each and every partnership. What is forgotten is that every partnership is different in the same way that every human being is different. 

[HappilyMarried]

I'm sorry @Tinyjaguarfor what you and your wife have and still are going through.

I do have a couple of questions that don't add up to me if you don't mind.

1) You explained that her sexual assault occurred during a girls night out away from home since you said they were staying at a hotel. It seems strange that there would not have been other girls sharing the room with her. It would seem strange that she (unplanned) goes back to the hotel in a strange place by herself and non of her girlfriends would go back with her. Also even if all of this is strange (but true) she still did not have to let him in and since she did I would be pretty sure they had to have significant interaction at the club before she went back to the hotel. 

2) Now if the sexual assault was as traumatic as you have told us by how it has affected her. I just don't see how she could go back just over a year later and do the same thing that led to the sexual assault and have a ONS and not be a severe trigger for her. I just don't understand why she would continue to put herself in these situations at the least she should have only went out with you and not alone or with girlfriends. I hope one of the stipulations going forward is their is no more GNO in her future. Best of luck! 

[Tinyjaguar]

6 minutes ago, HappilyMarried said:

I'm sorry @Tinyjaguarfor what you and your wife have and still are going through.

I do have a couple of questions that don't add up to me if you don't mind.

1) You explained that her sexual assault occurred during a girls night out away from home since you said they were staying at a hotel. It seems strange that there would not have been other girls sharing the room with her. It would seem strange that she (unplanned) goes back to the hotel in a strange place by herself and non of her girlfriends would go back with her. Also even if all of this is strange (but true) she still did not have to let him in and since she did I would be pretty sure they had to have significant interaction at the club before she went back to the hotel. 

2) Now if the sexual assault was as traumatic as you have told us by how it has affected her. I just don't see how she could go back just over a year later and do the same thing that led to the sexual assault and have a ONS and not be a severe trigger for her. I just don't understand why she would continue to put herself in these situations at the least she should have only went out with you and not alone or with girlfriends. I hope one of the stipulations going forward is their is no more GNO in her future. Best of luck! 

Ok, to clarify 

1) she had been talking to the guy in a club but decided to go back to the hotel early because she had lost her friends, wasn't feeling well and was tried of him attempting to chat her up. He then followed her and, because she is mixed race carribean and he was black, the hotel receptionist automatically assumed they were together and opened the door to let him in. He then followed her to her room and talked his way in to the room. Obviously, because she had been ruffied, it wasn't difficult for him to fo this. Then he forced himself on her and immediately left after he finished. My wife was out of it but because she is a larger lady, the ruffies didn't take full effect.

I know this is genuine because I have witnessed her trauma response first hand.

2) after the assault, we sought comfort in each other, her - because she believed that I would not want her and me - because I thought that she would be scared of sex with me. A while later, I had a vasectomy and this caused a down turn in our love life and she got paranoid that I didn't want her. This triggered a reckless response where she had a ons with a guy that tried his luck.

That is now all in the past and we are moving forward.

Also, the above is far more detail (I have still missed out some of the nastier details) than I ever wanted to recount and I feel that I have been forced to do so because of the constant accusations of my wife faking it and claims that she is playing me for a fool.

I know what happened and the circumstances and have made an educated judgement based on that regarding the decisions I have made.

Now  if everyone wouldn't mind, could posts be kept to the original point of the thread, I.e. personal support for when I experience self doubt and weakness in my resolve. 

[Harry Korsnes]

12 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Ok, to clarify 

1) she had been talking to the guy in a club but decided to go back to the hotel early because she had lost her friends, wasn't feeling well and was tried of him attempting to chat her up. He then followed her and, because she is mixed race carribean and he was black, the hotel receptionist automatically assumed they were together and opened the door to let him in. He then followed her to her room and talked his way in to the room. Obviously, because she had been ruffied, it wasn't difficult for him to fo this. Then he forced himself on her and immediately left after he finished. My wife was out of it but because she is a larger lady, the ruffies didn't take full effect.

I know this is genuine because I have witnessed her trauma response first hand.

2) after the assault, we sought comfort in each other, her - because she believed that I would not want her and me - because I thought that she would be scared of sex with me. A while later, I had a vasectomy and this caused a down turn in our love life and she got paranoid that I didn't want her. This triggered a reckless response where she had a ons with a guy that tried his luck.

That is now all in the past and we are moving forward.

Also, the above is far more detail (I have still missed out some of the nastier details) than I ever wanted to recount and I feel that I have been forced to do so because of the constant accusations of my wife faking it and claims that she is playing me for a fool.

I know what happened and the circumstances and have made an educated judgement based on that regarding the decisions I have made.

Now  if everyone wouldn't mind, could posts be kept to the original point of the thread, I.e. personal support for when I experience self doubt and weakness in my resolve. 

?????

[Tinyjaguar]

Just now, Harry Korsnes said:

?????

I have previously not gone in to details because these are personal and not for public consumption. There are also many details that I haven't revealed. I am just annoyed because some people have turned this thread in to a kangaroo court regarding my wife's guilt/honesty and my forgiveness/gullibility. 

[Tinyjaguar]

Oh, and apologies if any of that came across as a rant. I'm just tired of having to justify myself to posts that are not relevant to the point of the thread.

[HappilyMarried]

Hey @TinyjaguarI was not trying to do nothing more than what you had in OP about your current feelings with your wife and dealing with these situations.

First in your OP you only said that you and her suspected drugging and in your reply to me you said it was definite if so that does further explain it. However as some others have suggested I think that your wife needs IC very  badly and you guys need to go to MC together as soon as possible and discuss her issues and those feelings that you expressed in your OP. I went even further to read some of your post on other threads and I serious believe that your wife's issues could go a lot deeper than the sexual assault. I saw you post that your wife when you guys met was 9 years younger than you. (F23) (M32) Also a red flag that told me that she may have some serious issues besides the assault is that you in another thread said that when you guys met she was just your 2nd partner and at only 23 in your words you said "She had well over 100". I think this could go a lot deeper. I really wish you all the best and you and your wife get through this. I just hope you get some professional help and do not continue to try and get through this by yourselves. Best of luck! I wish you all the best.

[Tinyjaguar]

1 minute ago, HappilyMarried said:

Hey @TinyjaguarI was not trying to do nothing more than what you had in OP about your current feelings with your wife and dealing with these situations.

First in your OP you only said that you and her suspected drugging and in your reply to me you said it was definite if so that does further explain it. However as some others have suggested I think that your wife needs IC very  badly and you guys need to go to MC together as soon as possible and discuss her issues and those feelings that you expressed in your OP. I went even further to read some of your post on other threads and I serious believe that your wife's issues could go a lot deeper than the sexual assault. I saw you post that your wife when you guys met was 9 years younger than you. (F23) (M32) Also a red flag that told me that she may have some serious issues besides the assault is that you in another thread said that when you guys met she was just your 2nd partner and at only 23 in your words you said "She had well over 100". I think this could go a lot deeper. I really wish you all the best and you and your wife get through this. I just hope you get some professional help and do not continue to try and get through this by yourselves. Best of luck! I wish you all the best.

OK, I can understand your assumption, but, without revealing too many personal details, I can't really convince you that things are good between us.

What I can tell you is that my wife's high numbers were due to the poor relationship she had with her ex and his treatment of her (I'll let you imagine the kind of BF behaviour that drives someone to seek comfort with others, needless to say they got together when she was young and he never treat her as an adult)

Her relationship with me is completely different, where we see each other as equals who support each other and provide a happy, stable environment for our children.

[Harry Korsnes]

24 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

I have previously not gone in to details because these are personal and not for public consumption. There are also many details that I haven't revealed. I am just annoyed because some people have turned this thread in to a kangaroo court regarding my wife's guilt/honesty and my forgiveness/gullibility. 

Wonder why most of the established meglers have left!!

[Tinyjaguar]

1 minute ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Wonder why most of the established meglers have left!!

Meglers?

[Tinyjaguar]

I'm guessing that my story is too boring at face value.

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

I'm guessing that my story is too boring at face value.

No, it is more that we cannot help you if you cannot actually face what the problem is.....  

[Tinyjaguar]

Just now, Starswillshine said:

No, it is more that we cannot help you if you cannot actually face what the problem is.....  

What problem?

My situation is:

1) man and woman have a happy marriage.

2) Woman suffered a terrible trauma and couple pull together and support each other through recovery and treatment.

3) woman has a single indiscretion due to a confidence wobble but things get better.

4) man finds out about indiscretion but, due to his faith in his wife and an intimate understanding of the events and a good relationship dynamic, forgives his wife.

5) man and woman continue the recovery process, though man need someone to talk to in order to clear his head when he is feeling down.

I don't need advice on whether I should stay or leave or whether I should punish my wife or not. That decision is made and I am 100% committed to it.

[Harry Korsnes]

26 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

Meglers?

Members 

[Tinyjaguar]

2 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Members 

I see. I have to admit the level of trolling is higher than I expected on something called "loveshack".

[Harry Korsnes]

3 minutes ago, Tinyjaguar said:

I see. I have to admit the level of trolling is higher than I expected on something called "loveshack".

Your problem not our

[Tinyjaguar]

5 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Your problem not our

I don't have a problem, but one or 2 members here seem to have an objection to me forgiving my wife. It's just bizarre. Is it a crime or something.