How should someone react when someone dumps you? Act civil and 'wish them luck' in hopes of them being friends and coming back to you if things don't work out with the other?

[Taramere]

13 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

Yeah but when i asked him last month he kept reassuring me that he has eyes for no one else and that he still wants to see me. He even made plans for us to spend alot of time together this summer.

 

and dont guys start ghosting or behavior is off when there is another women involved? He did none of those things.

You know how when somebody dies, it's common for bereaved people to keep thinking they see them?  It's like on some level they're searching for evidence that their loved one isn't really dead, because they're in the denial stage of loss...which is perfectly natural and normal when you encounter any sort of major loss.  It's denial.  Surely there's been a mistake?  That the person breaking up with you has made a mistake that they'll regret and attempt to reverse sooner or later?  When we're in denial, we look for any sign we can find that there's been a mistake, and that's what you're doing now.  Focusing on any evidence you can find that this guy was invested in his relationship with you, and in it for the long term.

The difficulty with break ups, as a type of loss, is that sometimes people do try to reverse their decisions.  Sometimes they do come back and tell us "I made a mistake"...so there are possibilities involved, in break ups, that you don't encounter in a loss like bereavement.  But then, that can make it even harder to cope with in some ways, because it creates a higher risk of you stagnating for too long in that phase of denial where you think it isn't really over.  That the other person will change their mind.

I don't suppose there's anything anybody can do to rush you through that stage towards acceptance of the situation (from which you'll emerge stronger and better equipped to move forward), but I wish you the best of luck in getting there sooner rather than later.  Because in terms of the best way to handle a break up, getting to that "acceptance that it's over" point sooner rather than later is the best way.  And a fast way of getting there is to take the view that even if the other person did make a mistake, and changes their mind at some point in the future, from your perspective they've made their decision and there's no coming back from it.  That way, you set yourself free and take control over your future.  Surely that's got to be better than sitting around hoping that there's been some mistake and that he'll change his mind?

[mark clemson]

Quote

How should someone react when someone dumps you? Act civil and 'wish them luck'

Yes, act civil and wish them luck. Try to NOT have any hopes or expectations, as in many situations you will be let down. It's certainly easier said than done, but process and accept the situation, let them go, and eventually move on. You don't want to have your state of well-being dependent on their actions which are not under your control and probably won't be taking your well-being into account (at least not overmuch) once they have broken up with you.

All easier said than done of course.

[Happy Lemming]

5 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

do you think he is using an excuse NOT to see me? like maybe there really isn't another girl involved? i mean i had my suspicions b/c just last week i saw his snap story where there was  a pic of his friend, he kept saying in the beginning they are " just friends." doesn't make sense.

In this aspect, I do think he is being honest.  There is a new woman (in his world) and he prefers her over you.  And we have no idea why he prefers her over you.

He might think she is prettier, maybe he thinks she is better in bed, maybe she has more money and spends it on him or maybe he just wants to "sow more wild oats" before he settles down.  You will NEVER know the real reason why he picked her over you, but he did and you have to accept it & move forward with your life.

[stillafool]

He probably had sex with the new girl and asked her to be his girlfriend so he broke up with you, which was the right thing to do.  I think he really does have another girl or he would not have said that as it's a painful thing for the dumpee to hear.  He could have lied and just said well this isn't working for me anymore, I'm too busy for a relationship right now, etc., but he told you the truth.  No he will not be back if he's told you he's now with someone else.  Now it is time to accept it, heal and move on with your life.  Do not bother him again.

[Pumpernickel]

7 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

Yeah but when i asked him last month he kept reassuring me that he has eyes for no one else and that he still wants to see me. He even made plans for us to spend alot of time together this summer.

 

Yeah, I suppose he wasn't completely honest then. Many wait until the new relationship has solidified somewhat, and they also want to avoid conflict with the existing partner, hence the fibbing. Makes it less uncomfortable for them. I am sure he was involved to some degree with the new girl while he was still officially with you, or at least he was interested in starting something with her. I am sorry! 

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

He wasn't doing the slow fade away or his behavior didn't change that much and there was no ghosting

This isn't that unusual, OP. 

If you read enough stories on these forums, you will see that other people have been blindsided by their exes finding someone else immediately, too. Sometimes there are no signs. Life doesn't always unfold that way. Some people are good at keeping up the facade until they ust don't want to anymore. 

Either way, he has been clear that he does not want to contiue communication with you. You need to respect and accept that. Whatever happens with his new girl isn't relevant. 

[Katkats7777]

But what was up with him making his instagram private all of a sudden? He had it on public for months then as soon as i started asking questions and demanding answers he made it private- now he never knew i had an instagram acct or even knew that i was looking at it. Then he turned off his snapchat location, which i have been looking at his whereabouts from time to time and i dont think he knew that i was looking at his location

 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Katkats7777 said:

Then he turned off his snapchat location, which i have been looking at his whereabouts from time to time and i dont think he knew that i was looking at his location

 

Did he do all this before or after the breakup?

After 7 mos. dating and then all this, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. Just delete and block him from all your social media, devices and messaging apps.

[Katkats7777]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did he do all this before or after the breakup?

After 7 mos. dating and then all this, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. Just delete and block him from all your social media, devices and messaging apps.

He did it immediately after i started questioning him . I wanted some answers. I never understood his instagram private though. We were never friends on there and he never knew i had an acct

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

He did it immediately after i started questioning him . I wanted some answers

After the breakup? That's ok. You should block and delete him from everything as well so you can move on in peace.

[Happy Lemming]

18 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

...then as soon as i started asking questions and demanding answers he made it private- now he never knew i had an instagram acct or even knew that i was looking at it. Then he turned off his snapchat location, which i have been looking at his whereabouts from time to time and i dont think he knew that i was looking at his location

It is possible that someone suggested that he change these parameters - on his social media (maybe other guy friends that went through breakups/similar situations).

In the end, what does it matter... He has moved on and doesn't want you to know anything about him. 

His new relationship, location & pictures are none of your business.

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

But what was up with him making his instagram private all of a sudden? He had it on public for months then as soon as i started asking questions and demanding answers he made it private- now he never knew i had an instagram acct or even knew that i was looking at it. Then he turned off his snapchat location, which i have been looking at his whereabouts from time to time and i dont think he knew that i was looking at his location

 

He probably suspected you were snooping so he made everything private.  No surprise.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

He did it immediately after i started questioning him . I wanted some answers.

He didn't want to give you answers he just wanted to move on.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

His new relationship, location & pictures are none of your business.

I agree and this is for the best - For You.  You don't need to see or know these things as it won't help you moving forward.

[LynneVicious]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

I agree and this is for the best - For You.  You don't need to see or know these things as it won't help you moving forward.

Sometimes we don’t get the answers to the questions we seek. The fact is that it’s over. Snooping and question his moves and habits will only make you create more questions. It can be a vicious cycle. 
 

When the time comes to move on, you just have to move on. Trying to figure out his Instagram and Snapchat habits will only drive you crazy. Full stop. Go out on other dates, hang with friends, get busy moving on because that’s what he’s doing. So should you. Good luck!

[Katkats7777]

11 hours ago, stillafool said:

He probably suspected you were snooping so he made everything private.  No surprise.

how would he suspect that if he didn't know i had an insta acct? I also noticed he has a twitter acct and he didn't make that private

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

how would he suspect that if he didn't know i had an insta acct? I also noticed he has a twitter acct and he didn't make that private

As far as the instagram account, maybe a male friend told him some horror story about a woman stalking his social media accounts, so your guy followed suit and set it to private.

As for the twitter account, what do you care??

Why the need to know what he is doing/writing/saying on social media?? 

He has made his decision and this new woman is his choice.  They could break up tomorrow or drive to Las Vegas and get married, none of which is your concern.

[Katkats7777]

11 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

As far as the instagram account, maybe a male friend told him some horror story about a woman stalking his social media accounts, so your guy followed suit and set it to private.

As for the twitter account, what do you care??

Why the need to know what he is doing/writing/saying on social media?? 

He has made his decision and this new woman is his choice.  They could break up tomorrow or drive to Las Vegas and get married, none of which is your concern.

The last thing sentence i said to him was, “i just need some closure then i’ll go.”

was that a crazy thing to say?

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, Katkats7777 said:

The last thing sentence i said to him was, “i just need some closure then i’ll go.”

was that a crazy thing to say?

Not crazy but unrealistic. He doesn't owe you any further explanations. 

It doesn't matter what he said last month, last week, whenever.  He feels differently now.

He made his sm accounts private so you could not see posts/pics of his new gf.  Just about everyone has an insta even if they don't use it often, so this was just a precaution on his part.

Bottom line:  he is done with the relationship.  The only thing for you to do is to have a good cry and then pick yourself up. Get busy with friends and hobbies.  When you are over him, you can date again.

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

how would he suspect that if he didn't know i had an insta acct? I also noticed he has a twitter acct and he didn't make that private

He probably just guessed you MIGHT snoop and made sure you had no access.  When he told you he was with another girl that was your closure.  

[Wiseman2]

If someone is this sketchy and dumps you this way, don't waste your time, energy or headspace on this relationship postmortem. Delete and block. 

[Katkats7777]

14 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Not crazy but unrealistic. He doesn't owe you any further explanations. 

It doesn't matter what he said last month, last week, whenever.  He feels differently now.

He made his sm accounts private so you could not see posts/pics of his new gf.  Just about everyone has an insta even if they don't use it often, so this was just a precaution on his part.

Bottom line:  he is done with the relationship.  The only thing for you to do is to have a good cry and then pick yourself up. Get busy with friends and hobbies.  When you are over him, you can date again.

What really ticked me off is that last month i asked him if he still wanted to see me and he told me yes. Then told me to stop worrying about it and that i have to believe him.

I know where he lives so what is he going to have police surrounding his property now?

Edited June 25, 2021 by Katkats7777

[introverted1]

Just now, Katkats7777 said:

What really ticked me off is that last month i asked him if he still wanted to see me and he told me yes. Then told me to stop worrying about it and that i have to believe him.

 

You're going to make yourself crazy thinking this way.

Maybe he meant it when he said it and changed his mind later.

Maybe he wanted to mean it.

Maybe he knew it wasn't true.

It doesn't matter.  He's made his decision/choice and you are not helping yourself by continuing to replay conversations that are not relevant.

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

I know where he lives so what is he going to have police surrounding his property now?

No he's going to trust that you have enough maturity and class not to show up at his home when he's made it clear he has a girlfriend now.  What good would it do you to show up at his house at this point anyway?  What could you possibly want?  More pain.

Edited June 25, 2021 by stillafool

[Katkats7777]

20 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

You're going to make yourself crazy thinking this way.

Maybe he meant it when he said it and changed his mind later.

Maybe he wanted to mean it.

Maybe he knew it wasn't true.

It doesn't matter.  He's made his decision/choice and you are not helping yourself by continuing to replay conversations that are not relevant.

I get maybe he doesn't owe me any further explanations, but when one spends the night, watches movies, cuddles, does those kind of things, someone deserves answers.