Moving in together Dilemma as we both Like Our Current Accommodation

June 22, 2021

My partner and I have been dating for ten months. When we met, he signed a rental agreement on a new flat 10 minutes’ walk from mine.

His rent is £690 a month. My mortgage is £394 a month for a three-floors of space, so I always assumed once his rental agreement was coming to an end, we’d discuss him leaving the rental to live with me.

The idea we discussed at the start was we’d live at mine a year or two to save some money and then sell to find our place together.

We had a chat, and he made it clear he wants to stay at his flat for a couple of years. To me, this is not just disappointing emotionally, but it’s also financially stupid and makes me question his ability to make good decisions. We currently pay nearly £2k between us on the roof over our heads, bills, insurances, etc. Our outgoings would significantly drop if we lived together, allowing us to better pursue our joint and individual goals.

He loves his flat, and I’m somewhat attached to my house. He says that he wants all these holidays and weekends away rather than move in, which is problematic for two reasons.

1) We can ill afford these grand plans with two sets of living costs.

2) I’m stubborn and frankly don’t want to shell out for holidays with someone who doesn’t seem to want to live with me.

I’m hoping there’s a middle ground solution to get us back on track as I want it to work out. Mentally I already have 1 foot out of the door, though, because I’m a bit younger than my partner, and I don’t want to waste my last years of feeling young waiting for someone to want to live with me.

The reason I have not already ended it is we’re a great match in every other way. We respect each other, and he’s treated me better than anyone else ever has.

I worry, though, that if we stay together, living separately for a long time, I’ll resent him and be unhappy if I end it, I’ll be unhappy too due to what I’ll have lost and wondered what if.

June 22, 2021

40 weeks dating is too soon to move in.

He wants his space and is wise to rent his own place rather than be your tenant.

It's his money and his business.

Slow your roll and reflect on why you are so adamant about having someone move in with you.

June 22, 2021

There are advantages to both living apart and living together.

Living together is often cheaper.

Living apart gives healthy space. When you shoe-horn two people together in a little tin-can home, it can be extra work to have to relate to someone by your side ALL THE TIME.

Don't be so quick to decide there is only one good way. Plus, he's only a ten minute walk from you - that's really cool. open your mind to the possibilities, will you?

June 22, 2021

I was expecting us to be moved in together at the end of his rental term. His landlord does everything in blocks of 12 months so his tenancy runs out in Jan next year and I would expect us to be living together by June 2022 at the very latest.

He's told me he will be signing another 12 month agreement meaning I'd be waiting until at least 2023. This is something said very matter of fact without even really consulting me. I agree 10 months is too early.

It's not something we talk about much because he's said if I talk about it his stubbornness will kick in and he'll make me wait longer but in my view we won't be together if I'm waiting a long time but I don't want to say that and cause arguments. I find it odd that someone who's nearly 40 has never lived with a partner so it just seems to me we could wasting each others time.

Edited June 22, 2021 by Mr Cecil
For clarity

June 22, 2021

Hard stop. You have not known each other long enough to discuss moving in. You should date for at least a year before you even think about it. Moving in with economic reasons being a significant motivator is a recipe for disaster. Take money out of the equation altogether & think about why you want to cohabitate. If those non-economic reasons don't make sense, stay apart You give all these costs saving arguments but I didn't hear one word about love or commitment in here. It's all about the money for you. He needs to stay right where he is & you need to revisit why you want him to move in because the reasons you gave are terrible.

June 22, 2021

50 minutes ago, Mr Cecil said:

I find it odd that someone who's nearly 40 has never lived with a partner so it just seems to me we could wasting each others time.

This is a good point. He doesn't want a commitment like that. He wants casual convenient dating.

It does seem like there are are lot of incompatibilities, so it's good he renewed his lease.

June 22, 2021

1 hour ago, Mr Cecil said:

We had a chat, and he made it clear he wants to stay at his flat for a couple of years.

Whatever plans you made, they are totally negated by his desire to stay put.
The fact he "made it clear", means it is non negotiable.

June 22, 2021

1 hour ago, Mr Cecil said:

A) My partner and I have been dating for ten months.

B) We had a chat, and he made it clear he wants to stay at his flat for a couple of years. To me, this is not just disappointing emotionally, but it’s also financially stupid and makes me question his ability to make good decisions.

C) 1) We can ill afford these grand plans with two sets of living costs.

D) 2) I’m stubborn and frankly don’t want to shell out for holidays with someone who doesn’t seem to want to live with me.

E) Mentally I already have 1 foot out of the door, though, because I’m a bit younger than my partner, and I don’t want to waste my last years of feeling young waiting for someone to want to live with me.

F) I worry, though, that if we stay together, living separately for a long time, I’ll resent him and be unhappy if I end it, I’ll be unhappy too due to what I’ll have lost and wondered what if.

1 hour ago, Mr Cecil said:

G) I was expecting us to be moved in together at the end of his rental term.

H) He's told me he will be signing another 12 month agreement meaning I'd be waiting until at least 2023. This is something said very matter of fact without even really consulting me.

I) It's not something we talk about much because he's said if I talk about it ........ his stubbornness will kick in and he'll make me wait longer but in my view we won't be together if I'm waiting a long time but I don't want to say that and cause arguments. I find it odd that someone who's nearly 40 has never lived with a partner so it just seems to me we could wasting each others time.

OK... I broke this up so I could respond. Mind you... I'm a 49 yo male who has been through an ugly divorce. So I have the life experiences to deal with your issue. (and I do mean YOUR issue)

Before I start... How old are you? But, let's get started, shall we?

A) As other's have said... and you agree... WAY too early to EVEN THINK about moving in together.

B) OK... he has told you clearly that he wants to have his own place for a while. He's old enough to understand that even if he loves you, and sees a future with you... you 2 need your own "Corner" to retreat to if there is an issue. AND... no it's not "Fanatically Stupid" because you two are not married, and your finances shouldn't mingle at this stage. To him... it's an investment in his sanity, and gives him his space if something goes wrong. He's old enough to understand that life sucks sometimes. If he moves in with you.... and you break up... where will he go? And even if he finds a new place, it will take time, and he would have to "Move" into it. Right now, he just walks to his place. But the real issue here is with YOU. You are judging him, on your thoughts, and not on his. I'm guessing he is making an EXCELLENT choice !!! He knows he needs his own place, and since money doesn't seem to be an issue for him... then why move? And to use the "Stupid" label is just because he isn't doing what you want.

C) Since you aren't married... and he really only has to pay for his half of these "Grand Plans"... I'm guessing it is you who is having money issues, and is the core for pushing for this.

D) Bingo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

E) Yep.... having a tantrum. You don't get your way... and you are ready to call it quits. I'm guessing this is what your BF sees. Why in the world would he want to move in with someone who is ready to throw away a relationship just because she didn't get her way????

F) Then stop being dumb, and just live your lives separate for a while. You are just dating. You really need to take a step back and stop thinking that you are married.

G) Why? He was clear that he didn't want to.

H) He didn't need your approval on this. It's HIS MONEY and HIS LIFE. at this point you are just the GF, and don't get a say in it.

I) He's not the suborn one... YOU ARE. And you really need to see it. This goes right back to "H" above.

My GF and I are going through the same thing. But, unlike you, we have been dating for 16 months... and I'm still making her get her own place. I'm older, and see the bigger picture, and I see the "What if" situations in life now. She has been divorced for a while, but her marital house was big, and her and her exH lived as roommates. (big 4 bedroom house, they hardly even saw each other) Over the time we have been dating... she more or less started living here. TO both of us... this is her "Home". Since she has been here, her marital house is finally getting sold, and I told her she needs to find another house, just so we had our own place to retreat to. Also... she has cats, and my kids are lightly allergic. (so the cats can't be here) She was upset at first, but then realized I wasn't being mean... I was being truthful in the situation. AND... I told her... in the future... if she does officially move into my house (If there is a marriage) then we can rent out her house as a nice second income.

Anyway... you need to take a HUGE step back... and realize you are being selfish. If you like this guy, and see a future... then another year of not living together is not even an issue. BUT, to your point... about throwing away this relationship over this... you may find that if you are bitter about it... he may break it off with you.

June 22, 2021

Fair enough I see where everyone is coming from. At the back of my mind I still can't help but question the fact why. I would think even if someone doesn't want to move in right away (which I don't either) it would be exciting to sit and plan how things will look in the future. Also when we met we did discuss it. The plan was after about 18 months live together, first year go on 3 holidays with the extra cash, year 2 save money and then year 3 start looking for forever homes. The fact that conversation is forgotten makes me wonder if he's hedging his bets to see who else may come along.

The only reason I'm still in the relationship is because of how good we are in other ways including affection.

I guess the way I see it I'm an obsessive planner. I have always done this and it's always worked for me to have a 1, 3 and 5 year plan. I have a great career due to this, I purchased a house on my own in my 20s due to this and being an obsessive compulsive planner helps in other areas of life. I guess maybe it doesn't work with people quite as much because I've been left feeling disappointed and sad that we're not on the same page.

Just FYI though don't assume anyone financial position as despite wanting to reap some of the financial rewards of cohabitation I am actually earning more money and have more assets and savings.

I think what I'm gathering from responses on here is it's my problem and I have to just make a decision stay and be unhappy with the chance that maybe in the future things will work out to something similar to how I planned it OR take the gamble /unknown and move on and hope to find someone who is more keen on the direction I want to go in. We're actually going on Holiday next week so can't do much about it but I know I won't enjoy it as I want to take a break to see how I feel about things after a period of absence. I'll either decide I miss him so much I can accept we're on his schedule and not mine (doesn't seem fair but OK) or I decide it's irreconcilable which unfortunately is exactly my mindset when I posted.

Thanks anyway

Edited June 22, 2021 by Mr Cecil

June 22, 2021

Why don't you try staying & BEING happy without a plan? You being a planner has served you well, but you can't plan everything especially other people in your personal life. I think there may be some life lessons in here for you about how to go with the flow. [I'm not great at that either. My husband says I play too much mental chess. I am always thinking 7 moves ahead & have contingencies for each possible choice)

I was reading a self help book the other day & one of the chapters was about a purer form of love. What struck me is the author talked about loving people where they are & how they love you, not how you want them to love you. That was a lesson I needed to hear as I struggle with a communication issue in my marriage around how my husband is addressing an issue with his mother's health; I don't agree with his plan (or lack there of) & it's making me nuts but I have to learn to back off. So do you. Give it a try.

June 22, 2021

It's too early to be planning to move in together when you've only been dating 10 months. He wants to wait until you've been together 2 years, that is a totally reasonable and normal amount of time. You are the one trying to rush this. He's smart for not being OK with that.

June 22, 2021

It's so nice to hear from someone who plans in a similar way. My partner makes very loose plans. He told me his 5 year plan is to work part time by time he's 45. I said OK how? His answer simply to speak to his boss about part time hours. I've already planned for part time hours and I know exactly how many hours I could afford to drop in my current role, the next promotion if I get it and exactly how much I need to live either on my own or splitting the mortgage. That's at least 4 eventualities I've planned for. I asked him how he could afford to go part time on his current salary with his rent as it is today (let alone in 5 or 6 years) and he had no answer.

I think letting go of planning is something I'd love to learn to do but I'd need to feel confident that if I dropped the ball and didn't cover an eventuality my partner would be able to catch that dropped ball. Right now I don't feel confident of that so just being with lout a plan or structure would be far too terrifying. It'd be actual anarchy.

Long term I totally agree though I'd like to let go a bit and enjoy the moment more.

June 22, 2021

Planning is admirable and the key to individual and business success. But as @d0nnivain noted, you can't plan for someone else, especially after less than a year together and without an agreed upon commitment to life together.

Talking and planning is something a lot of people enjoy early in a relationship, but those "plans" can't be reasonably taken as definite.

Time will tell. I think you're jumping out ahead of where things stand right now.

June 22, 2021

13 minutes ago, Mr Cecil said:

I think letting go of planning is something I'd love to learn to do but I'd need to feel confident that if I dropped the ball and didn't cover an eventuality my partner would be able to catch that dropped ball. Right now I don't feel confident of that so just being with lout a plan or structure would be far too terrifying. It'd be actual anarchy.

Dating doesn't work this way. Trying to plan moving in together with someone you've been dating for too short of a time is not good planning, it's just poor judgment and not likely to end well. You need to have been with the person for long enough of a time before making long-term plans. Read half of the posts on this board for evidence of this.

June 22, 2021

13 minutes ago, Mr Cecil said:

I think letting go of planning is something I'd love to learn to do but I'd need to feel confident that if I dropped the ball and didn't cover an eventuality my partner would be able to catch that dropped ball. Right now I don't feel confident of that so just being with lout a plan or structure would be far too terrifying. It'd be actual anarchy.

Long term I totally agree though I'd like to let go a bit and enjoy the moment more.

I get it. My husband can't plan to save his life. Believe me, on the rare occasions I was dumb enough to let him plan it was awful. I usually wanted to wring his neck but of course I couldn't because it was my fault. I turned the planning over to him.

Try to remember at this relatively early stage of your dating -- 10 months in -- there is not that much planning to do. Coast along for a few more months. Keep your vacation plans. Don't stress about the money. Clearly you have the ability to make more. Take the pressure off both of you.

Later if you get to a point where for non-financial reasons you are talking about cohabitating or you have to plan for joint retirement, then you can worry about dropped balls etc.

Bad planners, like my husband, can learn but they may not want to. He steps up for the few things that are now his responsibility: my birthday; & our anniversaries (if I haven't already planned something). He did a great job this year on my quarantined birthday because I explained to him, he was my only option. I'm taking care of the wedding anniversary. All he has to do is show up. So I have tasked him with doing something for our dating anniversary. Sometimes it's nice to be surprised.

I think maybe you need to plan to relax, if that makes sense.

June 22, 2021

2 hours ago, FMW said:

I think you're jumping out ahead of where things stand right now.

Agree. After dating 40 weeks you are trying to map out all sorts of 5 year plans, etc.

Maybe he's a live-in-the-moment type of guy? Keep in mind, there's a difference between planning and pushing your agenda.

This almost seems more like a case of "The Odd Couple" . Sort of a drill sergeant paired with a que sera sera type.

Basically it seems you have some personality incompatibilities that could breed resentment in the future.

June 22, 2021

5 hours ago, Mr Cecil said:

I think what I'm gathering from responses on here is it's my problem and I have to just make a decision stay and be unhappy with the chance that maybe in the future things will work out to something similar to how I planned it OR take the gamble /unknown and move on and hope to find someone who is more keen on the direction I want to go in.

Your choices are stay and be unhappy or find another partner who will impulsively move in with you? I’m not sure why you can’t seem to find a happy middle ground?

I say this as one who just sold a home that I loved to move in with my partner. We would never have made this decision after 10 months. Yes, we hated the fact that we were spending more on living expenses but c’est la vie. We were not ready to move in together sooner and in the end, we paid down more on the mortgage which benefited both when we sold our homes in this booming housing market. In the end, we both sold our homes to build a home together that we both love. And let me tell you, that has been a process…. Had we not had patience, I don’t know that we would be where we are today!

Edited June 22, 2021 by BaileyB

June 22, 2021

5 hours ago, Mr Cecil said:

I'll either decide I miss him so much I can accept we're on his schedule and not mine (doesn't seem fair but OK) or I decide it's irreconcilable which unfortunately is exactly my mindset when I posted.

For your relationship to work, you need to find a schedule that’s agreeable to both. It sounds like you have more discussions that need to occur. You need to be open to the possibility that life may not happen as you plan it on your timeline and your partner needs to know how you feel and let you know whether they can meet you half way.

June 22, 2021

4 hours ago, Mr Cecil said:

My partner makes very loose plans. He told me his 5 year plan is to work part time by time he's 45. I said OK how? His answer simply to speak to his boss about part time hours. I've already planned for part time hours and I know exactly how many hours I could afford to drop in my current role, the next promotion if I get it and exactly how much I need to live either on my own or splitting the mortgage. That's at least 4 eventualities I've planned for. I asked him how he could afford to go part time on his current salary with his rent as it is today (let alone in 5 or 6 years) and he had no answer.

You remind me of my partner, on our very first date he wanted to know what my plans were for retirement. I thought . I’m a planner, I actually just changed jobs with a view to the future because they had a better pension and more options for retirement but still… There are things you can plan, and things that you can’t. That became blessedly clear to me when my parents planned for retirement and my mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed away six months later (just shy of retirement age). This is life - it’s about the journey, not necessarily the destination. If you are a Type A planner - need to know what you are going to do for the rest of your life and when you are going to do it - and he has a loose plan for the future and how he plans to move toward retirement - you are not compatible. I will say though - you may not be compatible with many because most people don’t have their lives planned out years in advance. And, you run the risk of making a poor decision if you don’t do your due diligence when choosing a partner/before moving in together.

Edited June 22, 2021 by BaileyB

June 22, 2021

11 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

There are advantages to both living apart and living together.

Living together is often cheaper.

Living apart gives healthy space.

Ain’t that the truth!

June 22, 2021

11 hours ago, Mr Cecil said:

he's said if I talk about it his stubbornness will kick in and he'll make me wait longer

So he's warned you he'll punish you if you persist in wanting to lock in plans with someone who you see yourself being permanent and committed with. My partner moved into my place after we'd been seeing each other for a year, and we're very happy, and we knew we were each other's dream person after about 4 months of dating, so I don't think you can really set time limits or benchmarks on relationship milestones because it's more about your level of maturity, your life experience, your relationship experience. I think your man's unsure of his own commitment level, and if he's never lived with anyone at 40yo there's reason for that, he's very independent & likes to be in charge of his own life, so my advice would be to back off and perhaps not be so committed to the future. It may actually be your enthusiasm for planning that's scaring him off, because to people who are a bit more laid back and spontaneous about life, planning where you'll be having lunch at 1.30pm on the 14th July, 2023 can feel like the other person is being controlling and railroading them.

June 22, 2021

6 hours ago, Mr Cecil said:

being an obsessive compulsive planner helps in other areas of life.

You may want to consider the OCD in all of this. If you're a planner to the point where your behaviour warrants a psychiatric label, then that degree of planning is not going to be reasonable or sustainable to others.

June 23, 2021

6 hours ago, Mr Cecil said:

Long term I totally agree though I'd like to let go a bit and enjoy the moment more.

You have to. It's nice to have a plan... but in life... plans don't always work out. Life changes, and if you want a partner in your life... you have to consider them. As @Wiseman2 said... There is a difference of planning, and pushing your agenda on someone. Planning would be... "If things are going good, we should move in together". Pushing your agenda is calling someone stupid, and unable to make financial decisions just because they didn't do what you wanted.

Truly, consider your words, and your potential actions... just because your BF of 10 mo doesn't agree with your "Plans".

June 29, 2021

Hi OP, I totally agree with the other posters that at 10 months it's way too early to consider moving in together.

However, I'm actually more concerned with your assertion that moving in together into your premises is the best idea from a financial perspective. I recommend continuing to negotiate and plan with your OH looking forward to a mutually acceptable timeframe to move in together, and in the interim get some financial advice to determine what common household will be most advantageous financially.

Depending on your jurisdiction and the prevailing negative gearing laws, renting your home out and moving in with the OH might be the way to go.

If your laws allow liberal negative gearing for investment properties, renting your property will provide largely passive income, and also may allow you to claim interest and other expenses as tax right offs against other income. In combo, this might actually make sharing a rental premises with the OH while retaining your property more lucrative than him moving in with you. And plus, it provides your own home to move back into if things go south with the relationship.

Worthing looking into I reckon.

Edited June 29, 2021 by SolG

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