3rd date with woman I feel emotionally connected with but don't find her body physically attractive

[max3732]

I don't have a ton of experience having multiple dates with the same woman and finding ones that I connection with where we seem to just "get" each other. With this woman I have that feeling. We talked on the phone and it was very natural and have gone on 2 dates that went really well and have a 3rd planned.

The problem is one I've encountered before with online dating, which is she was heavier than in her photos. She's also shorter than in her profile and the height in her profile was short. So physically she is far from my ideal match in those regards. On the other hand she has a cute face and when we're talking up close I don't even notice it.

I was talking to a friend about this and he said don't settle and that I should break up with her. I'm kind of leaning towards that direction, but whenever I talk/text her she's really wonderful and it makes me happy. I really like what she says and the effort she puts into it. Part of me is also thinking that maybe with the pandemic she put on weight and if she lost it she'd be more my type physically, but of course she won't become taller.

This is kind of unchartered territory for me. We haven't kissed yet or anything, but we kind of did safe touches and I held her a bit on the dates. If things go well on the 3rd date I already committed to I don't really know what to do moving forward.

Any ideas? 

[norealusername]

If you don't feel any sexual attraction, then it's not going to work. It is possible she put on weight being stuck at home.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

How can you judge how you really feel about her if you have not kissed her?

sometimes it takes time for attraction to develop particularly if you yourself are on the avoidant spectrum.

Go on a few more dates get physical with her.  If you don’t feel anything after that then you will have to end it.  But you do need to test the waters.

‘Sometimes attraction is about being vulnerable with someone.  And building trust is a key component.  It takes time to build trust.

 

[basil67]

Let's turn it around:

Pretend that she's all this and also slim.  You'd likely start a relationship, yes?  Now imagine she put on weight three years into the relationship.  What then?

[Timshel]

It's called friendship, which is lovely. Just be honest with her, "we're friends" and don't have sex with her. That's all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Cersei]

Looks fade. I say if you feel a connection try a few more dates.People can become more attractive to you if the connection is there.

Whose to say she doesn't feel a bit disappointed in your looks too?

[babybrowns]

Please don’t have sex with her if you don’t find her attractive; she’ll realise it and it’ll leave her feeling rotten and used. It’ll also set a bad precedent for her to ever undress for another man again. 

[spiderowl]

Something to think about, OP:  She is 'putting effort' into the relationship at the moment and you like that.  What if she suddenly stopped putting effort in and lost interest?  Would you be philosophical and uncaring or seriously unhappy?  When someone is making an effort, it is easy to take them for granted and pick on things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of a relationship.  Imagine losing her and you might get a better idea of how you are feeling about her.  What if you realised she was attracted to someone else?  Would that make any difference to the way you feel about her at the moment?

Whatever you decide to do, please don't start out with the agenda of changing her.  If you can't accept her how she is now, then don't take this further.  It will only harm her if she senses that you are judging her negatively.

 

 

Edited June 22, 2021 by spiderowl

[Dis]

Attraction can really build as long as everything else like chemistry and desired personality traits are there

 

I wasn't attracted to my ex when we first met but because of how sweet, funny and thoughtful he was my attraction for him sky rocketed

 

If you really like her give it some time. Who knows, she could become the sexiest woman in the world to you if you give it a chance 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, max3732 said:

 I should break up with her. 

3 dates and no attraction means just stop asking her out or stringing her along.

There's nothing to break-up after 3 dates.  Just tell her kindly it's not a match and move on.

[Fletch Lives]

Well, if you are not attracted enough to her to want to kiss her on the third date, you are just not attracted to her and probably never will be.

Dating is complicated, it's not easy. You need both - she's friendly and you feel comfortable with her, which is half the formula - but you also need attraction. Otherwise, you'll end up with a relationship of convenience, and live a life of quiet desperation.

You need to look for a new woman who is comfortable but also attractive. 

 

Edited June 22, 2021 by Fletch Lives

[introverted1]

Hey Max.  It really sucks when there is a person who is right in so many ways but sexual attraction is missing.  Even if you could muscle through the lack of attraction -- and I'm guessing you could, at least in the short term -- this is really not doing her (or you) any favors. 

It's ok to like what you like.

[Gaeta]

Questions: 

Are you really not liking her OR you think you should not like her? because she is not what society says you should like?

Are you tempted to break up because you really don't like her OR because your friends tell you, you should not like her the way she is?

If you decide to keep on dating her would you be embarassed to hold her hands in public? Would you be able to stand up to your friends and tell them to shut up about her weight?

I don't have an answer but I'd like to suggest you to ask yourself the right questions. 

 

[Pumpernickel]

9 hours ago, Dis said:

If you really like her give it some time. Who knows, she could become the sexiest woman in the world to you if you give it a chance 

I agree with this. I am the same way. Looks don't matter much to me as a woman (obviously, healthy teeth, cleanliness, decent clothes etc. are important in a man, but I don't care if he's tall, blonde and muscular if I am impressed with his humor, personality, intellect etc.). I am more critical with my own looks than with my partner's looks. But (most) guys are so extremely visual that I am not sure that the OP can overcome this lack of physical attraction. If he does, beause he REALLY likes her and feels at ease with her, and he decides to date her officially, exclusively, I am worried he might look for greener pastures in the future. It might lead to a one foot in & one foot out the door scenario, which would be stressful for both of them at the end of the day.   

[SumGuy]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

Let's turn it around:

Pretend that she's all this and also slim.  You'd likely start a relationship, yes?  Now imagine she put on weight three years into the relationship.  What then?

Good thing to consider.  

OP a good thing to consider is weight is something people can work on, not that you should lay down any ultimatum.  How much "extra" weight are you thinking?  Do you have extra weight?  How active are you?  The reason I ask this is if you want to drop a few pounds this can be something you do together...watch what you eat and exercise in a way to raise your metabolic rate.  Heck if you are active, hiking, biking, kayaking etc. as a regular weekly thing can help.  It can be fun to cook together low calorie and glycemic index foods...many cuisines kind of already have that built in.  That is, of all the things that can be "off" weight is one that can be "fixed."

Also, bodies look a bit different in bed, I'd swear candle light and reclining can easily shed 10-20 pounds, and 10-20 years.  

Last, I believe you like to take it slow and are looking for long term.  So it is not like the sex part is happening on date 3 or 4 or 5, etc.   I'd say don't get ahead of yourself.   At lest get to know her and wait until you kiss to make a judgment or burn a bridge.

[SumGuy]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Questions: 

Are you really not liking her OR you think you should not like her? because she is not what society says you should like?

Are you tempted to break up because you really don't like her OR because your friends tell you, you should not like her the way she is?

If you decide to keep on dating her would you be embarassed to hold her hands in public? Would you be able to stand up to your friends and tell them to shut up about her weight?

I don't have an answer but I'd like to suggest you to ask yourself the right questions. 

 

This too.  

It is OK and even "in" to be all about the bass  

[stillafool]

I'm one of those women where looks matter a great deal to me.  When I was single and young I only dated good looking, fit men.  A tall, very overweight guy hit on me and at first I wanted nothing to do with him.  He convinced me to go out with him and I swear by the end of  the night I was seeing stars.  When he kissed me I damn near passed out.  This sent me on an obsession of him I had never experienced in my life.  He was the best lover I had ever had.   You never know what is hiding behind the package you turn your nose up to.  It may be the prize of your life.

[FMW]

If you're  not physically attracted to her do not continue dating.  Men seldom if ever grow to be physically attracted to a woman over time.  Women some times do grow into attractions, but I think it would be rare for a man.

And absolutely never date someone thinking that what you don't like about them might change.  Base your dating decisions on the situation as it is right now.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, SumGuy said:

How much "extra" weight are you thinking? Also, bodies look a bit different in bed, I'd swear candle light and reclining can easily shed 10-20 pounds, and 10-20 years.  

Good points. If say, she appeals to you in most ways, perhaps take your time and see what happens.

...Or is it that you'll kick yourself if you go back on that app in a  few months and she looks like the next swimsuit edition model?

Your call, but if you just can't warm up to this cut your losses.

[LauraXX]

Well, if there‘s no sexual attraction at all… stop dating her or maybe just be friends (if that is something she’d be interested in). In my experience, after two dates you just know if you want to have sex with that person. 

However, I‘m somehow reading between the lines that she‘s just not what you‘re „usually“ attracted to and that this more about who you want to be seen with rather than who actually makes you happy. That in my eyes would be very weak… But I apologize if I‘m wrong. 

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, LauraXX said:

However, I‘m somehow reading between the lines that she‘s just not what you‘re „usually“ attracted to and that this more about who you want to be seen with rather than who actually makes you happy

He has admitted that she isn't physically what he's usually attracted to (height and weight) but I don't think he implied being embarrassed to be seen with her.  He said she has a cute face.

[LauraXX]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

He has admitted that she isn't physically what he's usually attracted to (height and weight) but I don't think he implied being embarrassed to be seen with her.  He said she has a cute face.

Yes, but that’s exactly my point. He thinks she has a cute face, she makes him happy and he held and touched her during the date. Probably not against his will.

She‘s just not his „ideal match“ and his friend told him not to settle. That sounds like this is more about what others might think than about his feelings. 

But again… not enough info to be sure. 

 

[max3732]

4 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Good thing to consider.  

OP a good thing to consider is weight is something people can work on, not that you should lay down any ultimatum.  How much "extra" weight are you thinking?  Do you have extra weight?  How active are you?  The reason I ask this is if you want to drop a few pounds this can be something you do together...watch what you eat and exercise in a way to raise your metabolic rate.  Heck if you are active, hiking, biking, kayaking etc. as a regular weekly thing can help.  It can be fun to cook together low calorie and glycemic index foods...many cuisines kind of already have that built in.  That is, of all the things that can be "off" weight is one that can be "fixed."

Also, bodies look a bit different in bed, I'd swear candle light and reclining can easily shed 10-20 pounds, and 10-20 years.  

Last, I believe you like to take it slow and are looking for long term.  So it is not like the sex part is happening on date 3 or 4 or 5, etc.   I'd say don't get ahead of yourself.   At lest get to know her and wait until you kiss to make a judgment or burn a bridge.

Being active is a big part of my life, but I also enjoy eating and am not on any kind of special diet or obsessed with getting to a certain BMI or anything, but I track my weight and cut back on eating/exercise more if I go above a certain zone. I probably work out 5-6 times a week and am play sports. So for what it's worth I'm not going to be on the cover of a fitness magazine, but I've gone through exercise programs and am pretty fit.

She told me she's started working out at a gym and I'd love to be able to do active things with her like you suggested. I'm almost afraid to say "let's do this exercise program together" or offer her diet tips since I think she'll probably pick up I'm not happy with her weight. 

14 minutes ago, LauraXX said:

Yes, but that’s exactly my point. He thinks she has a cute face, she makes him happy and he held and touched her during the date. Probably not against his will.

She‘s just not his „ideal match“ and his friend told him not to settle. That sounds like this is more about what others might think than about his feelings. 

But again… not enough info to be sure. 

 

It's a combination. I'm happy looking at her face and talking to her. It's very rare for me to have chemistry with someone like this and I really enjoy her company. She also seems to understand me in a way that's very rare. That said a combination of her height/weight makes me uncomfortable and I don't feel attracted when I'm walking with her or if I see her from afar. For example, she showed me her picture on her phone and I didn't find her whole body attractive.

Maybe "ideal match" isn't the right word as far as physical appearance. It isn't like there's 1 specific type. There are several other women I've gone out with where I was really happy with how they looked and could imagine them as my gf/wife. There's certain looks that I find really attractive. Unfortunately we didn't have the same chemistry as I do with this woman.

If it was just the height I might be able to handle it, but the combination with the weight is what bothers me. 

What my friend said is I should find someone where I'm happy with their personality and appearance. Just like I wouldn't go out with someone just for her looks I shouldn't go out with someone just for her personality. 

I've been waking up in the middle of the night worried about what to do.

 

[stillafool]

Well if you decide against her don't wait too long to break it off.  You don't want her to get attached and then hurt.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Welp  there is always friendship.  If you both get along great, maybe platonic friendship is the only path forward if she agrees to it.