jennywren75 Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 Hi, me and my partner used to swing now I don’t want too and I’m getting a hard time from him…. What do i do ? 1
Daisydooks Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 We probably need more info here to really delve into this. What does your partner "giving you a hard time" look like exactly? You never have to have sex you dont want to have, or sex with multiple partners you dont want to have. Simply put. If he cannot stand behind that without trying to coerce you out of your no, then I dont see how you move forward. Regardless of why you dont want to, he has to find a way to accept your no, or leave 2
Wiseman2 Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 10 hours ago, jennywren75 said: Hi, me and my partner used to swing now I don’t want too and I’m getting a hard time from him…. What do i do ? Do whatever is necessary. Don't sleep around if that's getting tiresome. Dump him . You're incompatible. He'll just cheat claiming it's an open relationship. However you don't want that, right? 1
Fletch Lives Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 Well, you opened Pandora's box by going along with it in the beginning. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 Break things off with him & go find somebody who shares your views on monogamy. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 26, 2021 Posted June 26, 2021 On 6/21/2021 at 11:22 PM, Daisydooks said: We probably need more info here to really delve into this. What does your partner "giving you a hard time" look like exactly? You never have to have sex you dont want to have, or sex with multiple partners you dont want to have. Simply put. If he cannot stand behind that without trying to coerce you out of your no, then I dont see how you move forward. Regardless of why you dont want to, he has to find a way to accept your no, or leave ^ bolding mine. Were you definitely into it before this? Or did he sort of talk/push you into it? Either way, it's inappropriate for anyone to try to convince you to have sex when you don't want to, if that's what's going on. And former swingers or not, you need NO excuse for that; "I don't want to" is plenty. IMO. 3
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 26, 2021 Posted June 26, 2021 (edited) On 6/22/2021 at 3:36 AM, Fletch Lives said: Well, you opened Pandora's box by going along with it in the beginning. Yes and no. People try stuff. And we don't have the whole story. Sometimes one partner will go along with something in order to save the marriage or for other reasons. But the fact is, deciding to have sex with someone is case-by-case, you're supposed to be able to choose whom you want and when. She just wants one man right now. Her husband. That's her right. Things change. JMO Edited June 26, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl 3
Blind-Sided Posted June 27, 2021 Posted June 27, 2021 On 6/21/2021 at 7:07 PM, jennywren75 said: Hi, me and my partner used to swing now I don’t want too and I’m getting a hard time from him…. What do i do ? Break up. Your relationship was built on being open. You can't change that. 2
Daisydooks Posted June 30, 2021 Posted June 30, 2021 On 6/22/2021 at 6:36 AM, Fletch Lives said: Well, you opened Pandora's box by going along with it in the beginning. Using this theory, having sex with my husband once, means he is allowed to rape me when he wants sex... because I gave him sex before (and opened Pandora's Box?) Just because I say yes to something DOESN'T mean I have to continue doing it forever. That is disturbing. It may mean we are not compatible any longer, however, it doesnt mean I have to continue doing something I dont want to do with my body when I have said no. In what world is this ok? If my partner became pushy about screwing other people because I had done so before but was clearly not ok with it any longer, it would end my marriage. OP should end theirs if this is a fundamenal difference they cannot work out. 3
Fletch Lives Posted June 30, 2021 Posted June 30, 2021 6 hours ago, Daisydooks said: Using this theory, having sex with my husband once, means he is allowed to rape me when he wants sex... because I gave him sex before (and opened Pandora's Box?) Just because I say yes to something DOESN'T mean I have to continue doing it forever. That is disturbing. It may mean we are not compatible any longer, however, it doesnt mean I have to continue doing something I dont want to do with my body when I have said no. In what world is this ok? If my partner became pushy about screwing other people because I had done so before but was clearly not ok with it any longer, it would end my marriage. OP should end theirs if this is a fundamenal difference they cannot work out. Of course controlling is not good, that's not what I was talking about. Let's not go off the deep end.
pepperbird2 Posted June 30, 2021 Posted June 30, 2021 OP, You have every right to ask for a monogamous relationship if that's what you feel is right for you. Your partner has no business trying to pressure you into being in an open relationship. This being said, he also has a right to express his sexual side, and if he chooses to do so by sleeping around, that's his prerogative. However that doesn't mean you have to stay and put up with it. Give it some thought, and once you feel you know where you stand on the issue, let him know what you boundaries are. If he feels he can live with that, great. if he doesn't, you may be at a crossroads in your relationship. I don't think either one of you would be happy if he's out swinging and you're at home. It may well be an impass you can't work around. 1
Daisydooks Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 17 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Of course controlling is not good, that's not what I was talking about. Let's not go off the deep end. You insinuated she opened a door she cannot close. Maybe I should ask. What did you mean exactly by posting that? Maybe it was a smart ass comment but it could be really detrimental to the OP reading it, is all. It sounds as though she struggles with boundaries to begin with. Even asking this question in her OP suggests that "No," is a full sentence and she is allowed to say no if she wants to close "Pandoras Box." "No, Peter, I no longer want to swing anymore. It was fun, but I'd rather we close that part of our relationship down because Im uncomfortable with it," is also fine if more discussion is needed. SHE is here asking for advice, not him, so I want to ensure we empower her to make the right choices for her, including saying no when it is something she doesn't want to do. Your comment suggests and encourages her to say yes when she isnt comfortable swinging anymore because she opened that door in the first place Now, he is also allowed to end the relationship and continue on as he pleases, but dont suggest to a woman who is clearly struggling with setting boundaries and saying no (hence her posting this,) that she is not allowed to close a door she wants to close, or "Pandora's Box," in this case. To me, this reads, "well, if you didnt want to continue swinging forever, you shouldn't have started to begin with. You said yes before, so you should keep saying yes because you opened that darn Pandoras Box and your husband expects it now." Based on even asking this question and saying he is giving her a hard time, Id warrant a guess she was never comfortable with it. 1 1
Fletch Lives Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 (edited) Well when you set a precedent in a relationship and then try to go against it later, that's fraud. Kinda like those people whop are skinny when they marry and then ten years later they are the size of two people. Baring health issues, that's fraud. It would have been better if she exercised her boundaries from day one. Of course, she can do what she wants. Just don't expect the guy to be accepting of it (but I hope he is). For what it's worth, i don't condone swinging or open relationships. I think those are poor ways to approach a relationship - I think people should get hobbies if they are bored instead of doing that. Edited July 1, 2021 by Fletch Lives
Tinyjaguar Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 Surely a swinging lifestyle is only feasible when both partners are 100% comfortable. If even only one of the partners is not happy to do it, it will become a destructive force in the relationship. All I can think of is to explain your feelings to your OH and why you feel this way. If he had and consideration for you, he would accept your wishes. 1
DKT3 Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 In general, men don't go backwards well. I digress. We really need more information, but really its no different than if she was here saying she wants her husband to start swinging. Its all unilaterally trying to change the parameters of the relationship. Just because monogamy is more in line with most of our beliefs doesn't change the fact that she is wanting to change the way the relationship has been, would we be getting the same responses in reverse?
pepperbird2 Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 6 minutes ago, DKT3 said: In general, men don't go backwards well. I digress. We really need more information, but really its no different than if she was here saying she wants her husband to start swinging. Its all unilaterally trying to change the parameters of the relationship. Just because monogamy is more in line with most of our beliefs doesn't change the fact that she is wanting to change the way the relationship has been, would we be getting the same responses in reverse? I think you would. People grow and change throughout their sexual lives. It's not possible to tell from the op's post that the relationship always including swinging or if its something that started later. Her spouse has the option of either respecting her boundaries, and if he feels he can't, he has another choice available to him- he can choose to walk away. There is NO excuse for pressuring a woman or man to engage in sexual behvaiour they do not want to be a part of, I don't care if you're picking up for a one night stand or in a long marriage. Like I said, her husband can choose to stay and respect her wishes or he can opt to leave an find someone else who is interested in an open relationship. Monogamy is not being forced on him, and the OP shouldn't feel one iota of guilt for her choices. It is, after all her body and hers alone.
DKT3 Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 Ah, I think that's a bit disingenuous. We have seen very different responses in reverse. My point is we don't have enough information. I recall a thread were the wife talked her husband into an open marriage really so she could continue her affair without guilt. Then her affair fell apart and all of a sudden she wanted to close the marriage back up. Without information everyone is simply being led by their mortality, and the kind of relationship they personally prefer.
mark clemson Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Well when you set a precedent in a relationship and then try to go against it later, that's fraud. Kinda like those people whop are skinny when they marry and then ten years later they are the size of two people. Baring health issues, that's fraud. Gotta respectfully disagree with this. Although I can see what you're saying in some ways, people slowly (and sometimes rapidly) change over time, and sometimes in ways that is hard to help/control. This is to be expected. Some people try to exact promises of e.g. maintaining a certain weight, or being willing continue certain sexual activities, etc, but IMO honestly this is a fool's game. If I married with a svelte bod at 25 but at 45 have man-boobs, my wife could, if it really bothered her, divorce me. Or vice versa over weight or what have you. But I don't think the fraud concept really translates well. You say barring health issues, but really who is to decide what/why makes it fraud. There is no contract barring a few very general "vows" and even those vary a lot by culture/personal preference, as does how seriously the people involved take them. Bottom line is if something (anything) is a dealbreaker for you, you can always leave if you have the stomach for it. (Barring marriage in areas that have requirements to divorce, and even then, if you really want out you perhaps could just do something that hits those requirements and really pisses off your spouse, again IF you're willing to accept the consequences of whatever you chose to do.) 4 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Of course, she can do what she wants. Just don't expect the guy to be accepting of it (but I hope he is). Exactamundo. Edited July 1, 2021 by mark clemson 1
Blind-Sided Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 @mark clemson... I can see your point, and @Fletch Lives point. If a person was genetically big... and starved themselves, and worked out with only the intention of finding a partner... and as soon as they did, they say "F**k it".... and then balloon up.... that is intentional, and premeditated. I actually know a person who did that. 1
Miss Spider Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) How is getting fat after marriage fraud. literally over 90% of people would be in prison I feel like she’s allowed to change her mind just as much as he is allowed to not change his Edited July 2, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Tinyjaguar Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said: How is getting fat after marriage fraud. literally over 90% of people would be in prison. I think they'd give me the death sentence 1
Blind-Sided Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: How is getting fat after marriage fraud. I didn't mean that at all. As you said... it happens, and as we age, our activity, and metabolism drop. And that's Mark's thoughts. But I think Fletch meant it as if they used it as a trap.
mark clemson Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: I can see your point, and @Fletch Lives point. Yes, and to be to fair to FletchLives there are presumably SOME people who deliberately put on a very false appearance until either marriage or a relationship is well established. So THAT IMO would be more akin to a sort of emotional fraud. For example a person who has frequent sex until getting married and then "shuts it off" almost completely as soon as marriage occurs. Or this guy in another thread who lied about being married for two years. One could very reasonably expect something different from "what they actually got". And also to be fair to FletchLives there is such a thing as setting a precedent. However, a precedent isn't really a promise or formal deal, particularly in romantic situations. That gal who is happy to give you a BJ twice a week might not want to do it indefinitely. And when I'm 75 - well, I can get where she's coming from...
understand50 Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 On 6/21/2021 at 4:07 PM, jennywren75 said: Hi, me and my partner used to swing now I don’t want too and I’m getting a hard time from him…. What do i do ? I think we are getting a way from the original question. She does not want to Swing any more, and her husband (Partner does). Look, things change in a marriage, and what was something you did in the beginning, sometimes is something you can not go on with. New arrangements must be made. In this case, I think that she has every right to decide not to swing if that is what she would like. It is up to the partner to decide what his response is to her new boundaries. Hopefully, they have a marriage, where they respect each other and can talk things over. Looks like this is not the case. I can see a wife, or husband, giving swinging a try and finding it really is not for them. Same for open marriage and such. No in swinging, or open marriage, but my wife and I have tried different thing only to find one or the other just is not in to it. In that case, we put it down to "well we tried" and move on. I think the thing is both must have a core value idea of what they want. In our case, we want to stay married, and if something is making the other feel the core of the marriage is in danger, we stop. Of course this came after much work and talking to each other. So to close, I think she has every right to not want to swing. He has every right to leave the marriage and find someone who would like to be in the "lifestyle". Hopefully, he is open to his wife fears, and wants and will accommodate. As for her, not accommodating, she gave it a try. It was just not for her. I wish you luck.
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