LostHubby2015 Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 Thanks in advanced for the read and I’ll do my best to not write a book. So just over 1 year ago I just happily fell into what felt like the easiest relationship ever. Everything just clicked and it was easy. Right from the start I told her I wanted to move out of the Midwest to the southeast. She said she did too. Which she has 3 kids and to my knowledge it was already discussed with her ex and basically everyone was on the same page. She moved in really quick. And her kids started to come over on weekends as was the norm with her ex. She lost her job because of Covid and went back to school. After a while I noticed I was doing all the work (like 90% or more of the childcare on weekends). Over time her willingness to help around the house also stopped. So I did say something about it. And things got better for a while. However we did and still do get a long very well when it’s just us. We have since moved. Her kids are back in the Midwest and we now live in the southeast. Over the last year it’s almost as though because she didn’t have to do the work for her kids she enjoyed seeing them more. And it was hard for her to leave. We got engaged because she said she wasn’t going to leave her kids for just a b/f and I did/ still sometimes do see longterm potential. But things with her kids and her ex, to be blunt, suck. It’s insanely stressful a lot of the time. Also, I did hear of accusations (with some pretty hard deniable evidence) that she cheated. However, she has a good friend I have never met, but do know to be a very down to earth kind person. So I took her word and decided to look the other way. Only later to find out after we moved she did lie about basically “stealing” a lot of money from this guy while we were dating. She has since come clean about it. Once again, I’m struggling. But told her 3 strikes she’s out. There are no questions about it. I’m not doing it again. But the stress from her ex mainly because her kids are very unhappy and her ex is a total control freak is wearing horribly. As mentioned earlier when it’s just us we’re fine. Her oldest will be a freshman this year and her youngest will be 8 this year. So a lot of time to go. Also, one thing that’s a challenge she told me only after like 6 months or so is she suffered from chronic depression and anxiety. So that’s a whole other animal. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. Like what do I do? We live nowhere near family. I’ve had the thought that if this ends I will not kick her to the street but instead give her 3 months to figure out her next move. I do care about her, but like some days this is physically taxing on me. I don’t wonder if perhaps I’m just being premature and just “had enough” because it’s hard. And I need to hang in there longer. Any advice is appreciated. And thank you for the read.
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 I think giving her 3 months to figure out her move is more than fair. You ignored way too many red flags in here & you moved in for too quickly. Lesson learned. Enjoy your new location & don't look back. It's a shame you wasted all that money on an engagement ring 2
Author LostHubby2015 Posted June 21, 2021 Author Posted June 21, 2021 Also, one thing to note. She always says something like “I get the s*** end of the stick again”. Like she’s the victim. However I will say this. With certain situations she kinda does. She was having heart issues and only after we moved her doctor had gotten a scan set up for her so she had to fly home. I heard with my own ears she asked her mom if she could stay at her house while back for this test. Her mom something like “why would you stay here?” I heard it myself it was a very condescending tone like she wanted nothing to do with helping her daughter. It was enough for me to turn around with a dropped jaw. Just as one example of the the toxic stuff in her life.
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 It's sad that her mother is like that but it's not your responsibility to fix her. My parents' bad behavior made me self reliant. Don't let her convince you to stay just to avoid disappointing her. 2
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, LostHubby2015 said: Also, one thing to note. She always says something like “I get the s*** end of the stick again”. That's what you get when you abandon your children, as young as 8, and move across the country to be with a man. Sorry I am all judgmental but when it comes to children I am sensitive. It did not cross your mind something was wrong with her when she willingly sent her baby of 8 years back to a controlling father? Give her 30 days. Edited June 21, 2021 by Gaeta 6 1
Calmandfocused Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: That's what you get when you abandon your children, as young as 8, and move across the country to be with a man. Sorry I am all judgmental but when it comes to children I am sensitive. It did not cross your mind something was wrong with her when she willingly sent her baby of 8 years back to a controlling father? Give her 30 days. Exactly. You’re surprised that your girlfriend is selfish, self centred and uncaring? Let’s try to knock some sense into you: This is a woman who can just abandon her 3 children at the drop of a hat including an 8 year old minor child. A woman who can just brush her parental responsibilities aside for the sake of herself, without a care in the world. I find that abhorrent! Why don’t you? Or more to the point: why didn’t you from the get go? This was your red flag waving right there. I have an 8 year old and I would NEVER leave him. 8 year olds need their/ a mother. No exception. Evidently, she will continue do exactly as she likes. The question is how long are you “willing to look the other way??? 4
Author LostHubby2015 Posted June 21, 2021 Author Posted June 21, 2021 43 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Exactly. You’re surprised that your girlfriend is selfish, self centred and uncaring? Let’s try to knock some sense into you: This is a woman who can just abandon her 3 children at the drop of a hat including an 8 year old minor child. A woman who can just brush her parental responsibilities aside for the sake of herself, without a care in the world. I find that abhorrent! Why don’t you? Or more to the point: why didn’t you from the get go? This was your red flag waving right there. I have an 8 year old and I would NEVER leave him. 8 year olds need their/ a mother. No exception. Evidently, she will continue do exactly as she likes. The question is how long are you “willing to look the other way??? Sadly when we first met I heard that she was willing to move without her kids and my first thought was “what kind of person would do that”? Which through conversations it came up. Her point was men do it and as a whole society doesn’t make a big deal about it (effectively) but if a woman does it she’s a horrible person. To which I see her original point and the double standard. But just the same originally I was still wary. But now……I dunno. It’s hard. I care about her so much. But it’s like “wtf?” What do I do. maybe I’m the one being selfish now? I give myself some slack since I was upfront with my intentions and desire to move. Should I be to blame some? I hate thinking I need to end it with her. But I’m struggling bad lately.
Starswillshine Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 I have to echo what all the previous posters have said, the huge red flag should have been the ability to leave her children. Any man who would move away from their children would cause huge concern for me, as well. Likewise, a woman who moves her children from their father is a huge red flag as well.
smackie9 Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 (edited) Children need their mother more than their father. And to leave a child with a mentally unstable/aggressive personalty parent would have me stopped in my tracks. The whole thing should have been called off. I could never be a part of a person's plan like that...no way. Edited June 21, 2021 by smackie9 4
Calmandfocused Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 1 hour ago, LostHubby2015 said: Sadly when we first met I heard that she was willing to move without her kids and my first thought was “what kind of person would do that”? Which through conversations it came up. Her point was men do it and as a whole society doesn’t make a big deal about it (effectively) but if a woman does it she’s a horrible person. To which I see her original point and the double standard. But just the same originally I was still wary. But now……I dunno. It’s hard. I care about her so much. But it’s like “wtf?” What do I do. maybe I’m the one being selfish now? I give myself some slack since I was upfront with my intentions and desire to move. Should I be to blame some? I hate thinking I need to end it with her. But I’m struggling bad lately. Er no! Your girlfriend is wrong I’m afraid. Society does make a big deal about “absent fathers”. Where I come from it is frowned upon- men tend to not respect other men who shirk their parental responsibilities full stop. Furthermore women don’t respect men who don’t prioritise their children. I have a formula for these guys: Lousy Father = Lousy partner. I’ve never known any man to defy that formula yet. Let me tell you another fact: Your girlfriend grew those three children in her body, gave birth to them, bonded with them and then … abandoned them. That defies every motherly instinct in the book! People often make excuses for their bad behaviour. Your girlfriend is no exception. However whichever way you look at it she is an extremely selfish person. No mother would leave her children with an emotionally abusive ex under any circumstances. My ex husband was abusive and I fought with everything I had to ensure that my children remained with me. There is no way I would have left my kids with him. No way. Your girlfriend is not fit to be a parent or a partner. You’re flogging a dead horse. 1
BaileyB Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, LostHubby2015 said: We got engaged because she said she wasn’t going to leave her kids for just a b/f and I did/ still sometimes do see longterm potential. She left her kids to move away with you… I’m sorry, that’s about all I need to know about this woman. She abandoned her children. One strike and she is out. How did you not see this as a HUGE red flag! That should never, ever happen… ever. Edited June 21, 2021 by BaileyB 1
LynneVicious Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 Op there are so many red flags that you should be considering. What mother leaves her kids? And will do so if she’s engaged? Stealing. Cheating. My advice would be to get out now before you get in too deep with her.
MsJayne Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 No, the stress is not worth it. There is something intrinsically wrong with a woman who can abandon her responsibilities as a mother, who is a thief, and who lies. I'd hide the family silver and then give her two weeks notice.
Blind-Sided Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 (edited) Your story is a little hard to follow... but I think I see the bigger picture. First of all... yes, dating for a year, and breaking up sucks... but it's better than being married, and having to go through a legal battel to "Break up". (divorce) Second... why are you being responsible for her kids at all? OK... I can understand being the nice guy... but they are her kids. From day one... you should have told her that she needed to do all of the work for them. This isn't just a red flag... this is a HUGE Red Flag... and it sounds like it started early enough that it would have been a deal breaker early on. Third... if she has officially moved in... then she needs to do housework. PERIOD. If she's not... and couple that with her dumping the responsibility of her kids on you... then that should have been the end there. (Before the move) I really hate to say it... but you should have never had her move with you to the new place. BUT, we can't live in the past. Knowing the above... and knowing she is a potential liar on big things (cheating, theft/money) you really have no choice but to just be done. I know it's going to hurt... but you are here because you know what needs done. Just a final note... I couldn't imagine not having a mother who wouldn't welcome me home with open arms. But think about this... is her mom this way because her mom is a mean person? OR... is it that her mom is tired of your GF's crap, and bad life decisions?? I wish you peace in moving forward. Edited June 22, 2021 by Blind-Sided 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 17 hours ago, LostHubby2015 said: she was willing to move without her kids and my first thought was “what kind of person would do that”? Which through conversations it came up. Her point was men do it and as a whole society doesn’t make a big deal about it (effectively) but if a woman does it she’s a horrible person. To which I see her original point and the double standard. Wow. Really? She is essentially citing a double-standard to justify abandoning her young kids? No. Just no. That's the sort of argument one might make if they want to be treated fairly in a male-dominated job - not for expecting fair consideration for abandoning her own kids. Completely absurd. It's crappy when fathers up and leave, and it's crappy when mothers do it too. It boggles my mind that she was so inconsiderate of her own children's needs, and didn't feel a desire herself to be near them. She doesn't really want to be a mom, that much is clear. But it says a lot about her character in general. This is not a woman who makes good life choices, nor takes any responsibility for her decisions. And then she whines about it. You need to wake up, OP, and end this for good. 2
BaileyB Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 18 hours ago, LostHubby2015 said: when we first met I heard that she was willing to move without her kids and my first thought was “what kind of person would do that”? Which through conversations it came up. Her point was men do it and as a whole society doesn’t make a big deal about it (effectively) but if a woman does it she’s a horrible person. To which I see her original point and the double standard. Right, because men who abandon and don’t parent their kids are not in the wrong either. This is a case of two wrongs don’t make a right.
stillafool Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 23 hours ago, LostHubby2015 said: I heard it myself it was a very condescending tone like she wanted nothing to do with helping her daughter. Her mother may have a good reason she doesn't want her staying there. Maybe she stole money from her in the past too. This woman sounds like bad news. I can't believe you moved her into your house. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 21 hours ago, LostHubby2015 said: I hate thinking I need to end it with her. But I’m struggling bad lately. Sorry this is happening. Does she have drug problems?
Pumpernickel Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 What is good in your relationship, and what is bad? Why are you in love with this woman? Or do you only feel sorry for her? She seems somewhat troubled. I have to agree with everybody here who says a mother who would abandon her young children to live with a boyfriend in a different state is not a great person. I would be totally turned off by this. I wouldn't consider getting into a relationship with a man who abandons his children, either. For a woman to do this? Yes – that's even worse. I would assume (and you can call me judgemental) that a person like that isn't quite together in general, mentally and emotionally. They could have a million great traits, but they would all be insignificant to me due to that one "flaw", levaing their children behind. Total red flag and one of the most important "exclusion criteria" for me when it comes to choosing a mate..... 2
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