coresnet Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 Hi all! I've recently reconnected with a girl I'd had couple of dates with several years ago (things ended nowhere then because of her being just broken up with and still living with her bf at the time). I had a 2-year relationship in the meantime which ended couple of months ago. Initially she seemed surprised to hear from me but after a little bit of texting back and forth we agreed on a date at a restaurant for Sunday evening. 1st date went great. We talked (70-80% of the talking was hers) and laughed a lot. We both seemed to enjoy each other's company and mentioned that we should see each other for a little hike in the mountain sometime soon. I texted her the next evening saying that I'd had a great time and would like to go out with her if she wanted to and if she was as enthusiastic about it as I was. She said she'd enjoyed the date too and we arranged the hiking for Sunday. 2nd date was good too. The enjoyment was there and a little bit of progress was made - we were now sitting at the mountain restaurant next to each other and there was more physical proximity and contact (touching, bumping, etc.). I was teasing and joking on both dates and was making sure things were progressing in a natural way, it felt easy and satisfying. She texted me soon after we parted ways saying that she'd really enjoyed the date in spite of the bad weather (it was rainy). I said that I'd enjoyed the date too and asked her to arrange another date when she gets to know her week schedule. She got back to me couple of days later saying that she is free Thursday and Friday and we arranged it for the former while chatting a little bit about how her day was going and similar small talk. Remark: I should mention that we didn't text between dates. Blame all the relationship and dating coaches out there and the famous "phone is for setting dates only, not for getting to know the other person" as well as me not feeling the need to chat with her in the meantime and wanting to feel the pleasure of the date itself. I was living my life and was not bothered what she was doing when we were not together. Remark 2: Another thing is that she is a bad texter. Usually she takes hours or even a day to reply back to me which was the case, too, when I first met her several years ago. She is just like that and we have talked about it back then. While I am the opposite and reply to people fast. Remark 3: She texted me before our first two dates to test the waters because I guess she was not sure if I would show up (as I said I arranged the date and didn't message her anymore). The first time it was an hour before the date with a subtle remark about the rainy weather and the need for umbrella while the second time - a day before the date with an outright question if we were still going to the mountain which I confirmed. 3rd date was in a bar where we sat close to each other and physical contact was increasing. Since the 2nd date I was getting hints that she wanted me to kiss her (or at least I thought she did, she was occasionally looking at my lips) and I did go for it but she turned her head sideways and refused it jokingly. When I took her to her place, we sat in the car for an hour or so. She'd had a cocktail at the bar and it had an effect on her definitely She was very girly and sweet and didn't want to go home. We eventually made out but on the several occasions that I suggested taking her to my place or me going to hers, she refused. I texted her the next day (Friday) to confirm that I'd enjoyed the date (why wouldn't I? ) and I asked her if we could see each other the same day before she would leave for a week vacation on Saturday but she told me that we should spend the Friday apart from each other and when she gets back in town - we can arrange something. She texted me couple of hours later asking if I'd like to go out with her and I gladly accepted. 4th date took things further. We kissed each other when I went to her place to take her out like we were bf/gf. We went for a late evening walk in the park and we were holding hands while walking, embracing each other, etc. We sat on a bench and she was laying on me, I was caressing and kissing her and both of us were enjoying it. When we arrived in front of her place, we started making out in the car again. This time I got her to agree moving to the back seat where the tension was rising, you know She still refused having sex with me but I gave her an orgasm by fingering (sorry if I sound rude or inconsiderate explaining it) to which she was very receptive and she was definitely enjoying the time. Basically we spent 2 hours in the car making out and occasionally me giving her a great time while not forgetting non-sexual ways of bonding - hugging, caressing, talking, etc. Next day she was travelling to her home town for spending a week there and I was again the one to text her. We exchanged some small talk and I told her that I liked her feminine energy and girly behaviour. She suggested that she was an open book then but I replied that I saw her as an intriguing book that I want to read from now on. Later she sent me a picture of the river next to her house saying that she'd arrived there. Next day I sent her a photo of one of the stray dogs I feed and care for (she is a dog lover and a volunteer at the dog shelter here) and we exchanged couple of messages about it. Now, the problem: I am totally insecure. I am outcome dependent and constantly analyzing things. I wonder where I stand with her. Getting this far with her seems to make me more and more needy and attached. Her hardly initiating contact while being great on dates seems inconsistent to me which puzzles me even more. The time between dates is a nightmare for me. I am looking for securing things which will make me feel calm and successful. I don't want to ruin this chance. I've put all my eggs in this basket. I want things to happen now. All of the above things are awful. I aknowledge them, I see them as a turn off. Yet I can't manage coping with these emotions. What do I do? Any help is appreciated!
Mrin Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 Well first off a couple of kudos to you: 1. You have the introspection to even write that and ask for help. A lot of people don't even get that far 2. Sounds like this is just going swimmingly so far As far as what to do about your insecurity... I don't have any magic tricks. But I will give you a few things to think about: 1. I know you're feeling really exposed here but let's put it in context. You haven't put all your eggs in one basket. You might only be dating this woman but it's not like this is a race or anything. Forgoing others for the short amount of time is not a big investment. You also haven't made any big proclamations of love (and shouldn't). You're just a dude interested in a woman and behaving pretty well so far. 2. All of this so far is happening exactly how it should. You guys aren't diving into the sack immediately. She's exerting her boundaries. And she's even changing her mind at times like about Friday. The way this is unfolding is successful. Neither of you are love bombing and that is a good thing. 3. The best thing you can do right at now is continue to be steady Eddie. Continue to make her feel desired. Pursued by you. But also respected. Keep the between dates communication as is because she seems comfortable with that. And let her figure out how she feels about you. That's exactly what's going on here. She has a super computer grade brain and heart when it comes to relationships. All women do. Let that sucker run a while with you just being steady Eddie. No games. No pushing or begging. Just let her feel like you desire her and are willing to put in the effort because she's worth it. Best of luck! Mrin 1
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 Don't tell her about your insecurities. Look at the objective facts, which are all good. The alleged time delays are all in your head. It's not bad at all. Sounds like a lovely sedate pace. Relax. When you go from 0 to 60 too fast & try to carry on like you are in a long established relationship with daily contact right from the beginning things go sour fast because it's too much too soon. Those reassurances you want are more like death knells because you haven't taken the time to slowly build a foundation. Her being a "bad texter" is of no moment. Texting is meaningless. Stop looking for problems where there aren't any 1
Author coresnet Posted June 21, 2021 Author Posted June 21, 2021 1 hour ago, Mrin said: Well first off a couple of kudos to you: 1. You have the introspection to even write that and ask for help. A lot of people don't even get that far 2. Sounds like this is just going swimmingly so far As far as what to do about your insecurity... I don't have any magic tricks. But I will give you a few things to think about: 1. I know you're feeling really exposed here but let's put it in context. You haven't put all your eggs in one basket. You might only be dating this woman but it's not like this is a race or anything. Forgoing others for the short amount of time is not a big investment. You also haven't made any big proclamations of love (and shouldn't). You're just a dude interested in a woman and behaving pretty well so far. 2. All of this so far is happening exactly how it should. You guys aren't diving into the sack immediately. She's exerting her boundaries. And she's even changing her mind at times like about Friday. The way this is unfolding is successful. Neither of you are love bombing and that is a good thing. 3. The best thing you can do right at now is continue to be steady Eddie. Continue to make her feel desired. Pursued by you. But also respected. Keep the between dates communication as is because she seems comfortable with that. And let her figure out how she feels about you. That's exactly what's going on here. She has a super computer grade brain and heart when it comes to relationships. All women do. Let that sucker run a while with you just being steady Eddie. No games. No pushing or begging. Just let her feel like you desire her and are willing to put in the effort because she's worth it. Best of luck! Mrin Thanks for the kudos! 1. I said that I’ve put all my eggs in one basket because I really go out only with her (not that I have other prospects at the moment :D) although I texted with another girl recently (before going out with this girl) but now I don’t have the motivation and energy to go on a first date with her. I haven’t made any proclamations, indeed. She knows I am interested and the strongest hint I made was the one with the book to be read (see the story after date 4) - I don’t know if that sounded good, I tend to speak too methaphorically sometimes and some women may find such a statement strange or weak? 2. I want to believe that the unfolding is successful but my insecurity makes me wonder why I feel like sh*t between dates… Love bombing is out of question, she doesn’t even call me by name (text or in person) :D I called her “sweety” one time a couple of days ago (again needy me). 3. What does a “steady Eddie” mean? :D English is not my native tongue. Pursuing is the other thing I was wondering about. Wouldn’t I be pushover if I constantly pursue her? She won’t disrespect me for that?
Author coresnet Posted June 21, 2021 Author Posted June 21, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: Don't tell her about your insecurities. Look at the objective facts, which are all good. The alleged time delays are all in your head. It's not bad at all. Sounds like a lovely sedate pace. Relax. When you go from 0 to 60 too fast & try to carry on like you are in a long established relationship with daily contact right from the beginning things go sour fast because it's too much too soon. Those reassurances you want are more like death knells because you haven't taken the time to slowly build a foundation. Her being a "bad texter" is of no moment. Texting is meaningless. Stop looking for problems where there aren't any I won’t tell her about my insecurities but they are making some of my days very difficult. The time delays are hard for me because I am used to fast texting with previous gfs of mine as well as with my friends and waiting so long makes me desperate, I need a validation I guess. I suppose that’s what you mean by those “reassurances”? I catch myself looking for problems where there aren’t any, maybe you’re right.
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 Remember just because we have the ability to be connected 24/7 does not mean we have the obligation to be that connected. Judge her behavior on the dates, not between them. Find activities to keep yourself busy so you are not constantly looking at your phone. Breathe. When you are stressing out post here, call a friend, go for a walk, clean your house, do anything other than start bombing her with multiple texts. 1
Author coresnet Posted June 21, 2021 Author Posted June 21, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: Remember just because we have the ability to be connected 24/7 does not mean we have the obligation to be that connected. Judge her behavior on the dates, not between them. Find activities to keep yourself busy so you are not constantly looking at your phone. Breathe. When you are stressing out post here, call a friend, go for a walk, clean your house, do anything other than start bombing her with multiple texts. You are right, I try to remember that the dates are great but I am wondering if every one of them could be the last one... I can't remember being so needy with other girls. I assume that if we enjoy the time being together, then the messaging between dates will be similar. The only thing good is that I have self-control and won't bomb her with texts (or any other girl for that purpose) but the struggle is real :D 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 Play hard to get a bit more. If you suffocate her too much she'll lose interest. Also you need to shower, shave and dress nice for dates, use a breathe mint before the date.. That helps. Make sure you're not wearing crocs or cut-off pants. 2
Author coresnet Posted June 22, 2021 Author Posted June 22, 2021 8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Play hard to get a bit more. If you suffocate her too much she'll lose interest. Also you need to shower, shave and dress nice for dates, use a breathe mint before the date.. That helps. Make sure you're not wearing crocs or cut-off pants. Can you please be more specific about the first one? Like some detailed hints for that? As for the appearance - I am doing everything perfectly in that respect :d 1
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