Jet8419 Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 Been seeing this guy for a few months and every time we meet, we have a good time. The only issue is, he only wants to meet for dinner, nothing else ie. his weekends are reserved for his friends or to rest as he’s got a hectic schedule with 2 jobs, and he hasn’t shown any interest in doing anything fun like going on a road trip, or going to see some exhibit etc whenever I ask about it. So far, our dates have only been dinners on weekdays, and when I asked about seeing him on weekends instead, he was very specific in saying he needs the weekends to rest but can do dinners. Red flag? Or he’s not interested in progressing the situationship/relationship?
Wiseman2 Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 12 minutes ago, Jet8419 said: , he only wants to meet for dinner, nothing else ie. his weekends are reserved for his friends or to rest Is he single, living with someone or married? How long is a few months? Have you been to his house? It's unclear why you are worried about road trips when there are some basic details to figure out. 3
Author Jet8419 Posted June 20, 2021 Author Posted June 20, 2021 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Is he single, living with someone or married? How long is a few months? Have you been to his house? It's unclear why you are worried about road trips when there are some basic details to figure out. He is single and lives alone in his own apartment. Been seeing him since March, been to his place many times, had a sleepover where I was very clear on my boundaries (no sex) and he’s respected that, but both of us didn’t get much sleep. So after that, we both agreed no sleepover for the time being, but he specified he could only do dinners, be it outside or his place. So other than spending time eating, we haven’t really done any other activity together.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 It sounds like he's got someone else he spends time with on weekends. Whatever is going on with him, I would not bother continuing with a weekday-only arrangement. Next. 5
Wiseman2 Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 1 minute ago, Jet8419 said: , we both agreed no sleepover for the time being, but he specified he could only do dinners, be it outside or his place. Ok 10 weeks or so dating is a good time to observe red flags and incompatibilities like this. Are you exclusive? Is there a reason you don't want intimacy with him? It's unclear why you are bothering with this if it's just a once a week dinner companion. Since you are not physically involved or exclusive, why not continue talking to and meeting men who are more compatible?
Author Jet8419 Posted June 20, 2021 Author Posted June 20, 2021 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok 10 weeks or so dating is a good time to observe red flags and incompatibilities like this. Are you exclusive? Is there a reason you don't want intimacy with him? It's unclear why you are bothering with this if it's just a once a week dinner companion. Since you are not physically involved or exclusive, why not continue talking to and meeting men who are more compatible? Yes, we’re exclusive. For religious reasons, I won’t have sex before marriage but we’ve been intimate up to 2nd base, that’s where I draw the line and we agreed on that. Guess I’m doubtful why he’s not wanting to go out to do fun stuff.
Author Jet8419 Posted June 20, 2021 Author Posted June 20, 2021 13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: It sounds like he's got someone else he spends time with on weekends. Whatever is going on with him, I would not bother continuing with a weekday-only arrangement. Next. That’s also what I’m starting to think about.
Wiseman2 Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 4 minutes ago, Jet8419 said: I’m doubtful why he’s not wanting to go out to do fun stuff. He may be doing that with others. You don't seem happy so why not reflect on why you are bothering with this? 2
Blind-Sided Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 If there is no sex... then there is no reason to have a sleep over. AND... unless he is in the same religion, and feels the same way about following that rule... then "Dating" for 10 weeks, and not being physical... he doesn't see you as his GF. AND... because of that... he's probably dating other girls. If you want an exclusive relationship with him... then you need to talk to him about it. 3
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 He's keeping his weekend for the woman that gives him sex. How old are you? 6
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 (edited) Only dinner & no other activities & no weekends is an indication that you are not the only one he's seeing. I suspect he's getting sex on the weekends 13 hours ago, Jet8419 said: , been to his place many times, had a sleepover where I was very clear on my boundaries (no sex) and he’s respected that, but both of us didn’t get much sleep. So after that, we both agreed no sleepover for the time being, but he specified he could only do dinners, be it outside or his place. Basic rule of thumb: never get into bed with somebody you are not prepared to have sex with. These sexless sleep-overs are wholly inappropriate. It's game playing. [] All in all it sounds like his solution to your religious choice is to avoid you on weekends & get his kicks elsewhere. Edited June 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Rude 3
ShyViolet Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 The fact that he's refusing to see you on the weekends, and telling you that his weekends are "reserved" for his friends or to rest... that is a red flag. He is keeping you at arm's length and not interested in a full relationship with you. Or he might be hiding something and doing something else on the weekends. 3
smackie9 Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 What he does on the weekends doesn't matter...what matters is that your expectations of what you want/need in a relaiotnship is not being met. You don't like how this is, but this is his rule, and how this arrangement works for him. You are not compatible. The course of action to take is to stop wasting your time on this, dump him. It's just that simple. This is why we date...to see how they make time for us, communicate, treat us how we expect to be treated, ie: expectations being fulfilled. It's a test run to see what they are like. This guy blows. 4
Fletch Lives Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 No weekends often means he is busy with his partner (woman) on the weekends. 2
babybrowns Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 (edited) You want your relationship with him to progress, by spending more time together and doing a greater variety of things together. All of that without getting intimate. For him, in order for a relationship to progress where he gives his heart and mind to it, he does need that physical closeness to a woman too. Most men do, who are not choosing to abstain for religious reasons. He must truly cherish your company a lot to still be sticking around after you made your no-sex boundaries clear. But he doesn’t want to get deeper than that with you, since that is when he will really feel a void of his physical needs not being met. Sex is a very significant biological need for all men, much more than it is for women. It’s like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit that is firmly out of its reach: although a fun game of mystery at first, it soon becomes boring when it’s a 100% unattainable goal. Would the rabbit then want to spend more of its time going after it and trying to grab it? Perhaps not. The kindest thing to do for both of you is to let him go, and find a man who is on the same level of abstinence as you are. That way you’ll both be on the same page and will both have the same ideology in how you want things to grow. Edited June 21, 2021 by babybrowns 2
poppyfields Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 (edited) On 6/20/2021 at 2:35 AM, Jet8419 said: Been seeing this guy for a few months and every time we meet, we have a good time. The only issue is, he only wants to meet for dinner, nothing else ie. his weekends are reserved for his friends or to rest as he’s got a hectic schedule with 2 jobs, and he hasn’t shown any interest in doing anything fun like going on a road trip, or going to see some exhibit etc whenever I ask about it. So far, our dates have only been dinners on weekdays, and when I asked about seeing him on weekends instead, he was very specific in saying he needs the weekends to rest but can do dinners. Red flag? Or he’s not interested in progressing the situationship/relationship? WTH. Is sex included during (or after) your weekday 'dinners'? In any event, this rigid schedule of weekday dinners ONLY, is his way of keeping you at a distance. Whether he has commitment issues, or another girlfriend he spends weekends with, it doesn't matter. It's preventing you from progressing the relationship, and if a RL is what you want, traditionally, which includes weekends, sharing activities, friends, family, then wish him well and MOVE ON. I might understand him wanting weekends to himself the first few weeks, but a few MONTHS? If you're having sex, this sounds like a FWB situation, which is fine, except it sounds like you're wanting more than that, which is OK. If you're not having sex, then consider him a friend and dinner companion. Bottom line, if you're wanting and needing more than what he's offering, kindly wish him well and WALK. Edited June 21, 2021 by poppyfields 2
chillii Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 (edited) Do you really wanna spend the rest of your days having dinner once or twice a wk with some guy like this , or do you want real life , a real relationship going somewhere, marriage , a future ? Edited June 22, 2021 by chillii
babybrowns Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 11 minutes ago, chillii said: Do you really wanna spend the rest of your days having dinner once or twice a wk with some guy like this , or do you want real life , a real relationship going somewhere, marriage , a future ? Exactly, it’s a waste of both your times. You could be using that evening a week to go on dates with other guys that are on the same page as you
Wiseman2 Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 At best, this indicates a very low level of interest. You need to find someone with the same background and beliefs as you, not someone who just tolerates it for now.
Author Jet8419 Posted June 23, 2021 Author Posted June 23, 2021 On 6/22/2021 at 4:21 AM, babybrowns said: You want your relationship with him to progress, by spending more time together and doing a greater variety of things together. All of that without getting intimate. For him, in order for a relationship to progress where he gives his heart and mind to it, he does need that physical closeness to a woman too. Most men do, who are not choosing to abstain for religious reasons. He must truly cherish your company a lot to still be sticking around after you made your no-sex boundaries clear. But he doesn’t want to get deeper than that with you, since that is when he will really feel a void of his physical needs not being met. Sex is a very significant biological need for all men, much more than it is for women. It’s like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit that is firmly out of its reach: although a fun game of mystery at first, it soon becomes boring when it’s a 100% unattainable goal. Would the rabbit then want to spend more of its time going after it and trying to grab it? Perhaps not. The kindest thing to do for both of you is to let him go, and find a man who is on the same level of abstinence as you are. That way you’ll both be on the same page and will both have the same ideology in how you want things to grow. I’ve reduced the amount of texting with him to fade out of his life since trying to talk about where he sees us going didn’t have any conclusive outcome, plus at one point ignoring his msgs for 2 weeks, but he keeps coming around to check in. Maybe he just wants a dinner buddy… dunno
SumGuy Posted June 23, 2021 Posted June 23, 2021 5 hours ago, Jet8419 said: I’ve reduced the amount of texting with him to fade out of his life since trying to talk about where he sees us going didn’t have any conclusive outcome, plus at one point ignoring his msgs for 2 weeks, but he keeps coming around to check in. Maybe he just wants a dinner buddy… dunno As others have said, yah just a dinner buddy. In my view if he doesn't share the same religious beliefs then you are just on the back burner and not worth sacrificing his prime time on (the time he needs to reserve for relationships), though you may be a wonderful dinner companion and friend. If he does truly share you religious beliefs (and this is where have to go from growing up around those who do) I understand at this stage he should be doing more with you, spending weekends with you because if he does share those beliefs "dating" is really seeing if you two would be compatible married and it has very much a courtship quality to it. That he didn't really have an answer or discuss where he sees you two going, it makes me believe he does not truly share you religious beliefs, because guys who are saving themselves for marriage can't seem to not talk about where they see the relationship going (from my expereince). So my bet is he is keeping you around while seeking relationships elsewhere. It may be he truly values you as a platonic dinner companion and who knows, maybe one day you will change you mind about sex. It is very, very low effort for him to check in with you every so often. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 26, 2021 Posted June 26, 2021 On 6/20/2021 at 9:16 AM, Fletch Lives said: No weekends often means he is busy with his partner (woman) on the weekends. Exactly. And he's telling the other woman that he's busy during the week and reserves time for friends then... Bottom line: he refuses to be available to you the way you want him to, you're not happy, it's not changing, and it may simply be time to move on. Also, he may have seen "sleepover but no sex" as a tease or a game.
LuckyM Posted June 27, 2021 Posted June 27, 2021 I agree with comments. This sounds like a line. Is his job so demanding that he needs to rest on the weekend? Doubtful. He is doing something else.
mortensorchid Posted June 29, 2021 Posted June 29, 2021 (edited) He's probably doing other things - as in seeing other people. Have you met anyone from his side (as in friends, family?) at all? Chances are you haven't, he may not have even mentioned them in conversation. If that's the case, reconsider this. I always bring up this example when I hear things like this : Years ago I was on some dating website and I met this guy. He was a complete passive wimp, he did whatever he was told. I asked him what he was looking for and he said he needed to find something else to do with his time other than play cards with his buddies on the weekends. Sad. We would meet a grand total of 6 times and eat dinner (my decision when/where we would go) out. He never even told me his last name and he never asked mine. It was almost hilarious towards the end, I was thinking "do you not have a voice AT ALL"? One day, we never called one another again. Maybe he got his credit card bill and realized what was actually going on. True, your story sounds like there was/is more to it but not by much. Edited June 29, 2021 by mortensorchid Additional information
Pumpernickel Posted June 29, 2021 Posted June 29, 2021 I mean, you can't be surprised that he doesn't see you as girlfriend material, if you won't have sex for "religious reasons". That probably means you're waiting until marriage. Why should he make you a priority? I am sure he wants to have physical intimacy with the woman/women he dates. Very few people wait until marriage these days, especially men, so I am sure he's dating around and using his weekends for some fun between the sheets.
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