elaine567 Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 1 hour ago, ironpony said: But my parents want me to date someone my own age, even if it means the woman's maturity level will be much higher than mine therefore, because of my condition. If that makes sense? Do you think this young woman's maturity level will stay at that of a 21 yo? 1
Gaeta Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 (edited) 15 hours ago, ironpony said: What's the best way to get your parents to accept the age gap though? Depends on her family dynamic. If she's disconnected from her parents they may not care. If she is from a close family unit they will not support their 21 yo dating a 37 yo man. I am the mother of 2 daughters and I would ruin any 37 year old trying to date my 21 yo daughter. So you're lucky I'm not this young woman's mother The brain reaches its full development at 25, at the moment her prefrontal cortex isn't completed, that's the 'rational' part of the brain. This young woman still has a lot of emotional maturity to grow. Edited July 14, 2021 by Gaeta
elaine567 Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Depends on her family dynamic. I think he is talking about HIS family dynamic, his parents don't like it.
Gaeta Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 Just now, elaine567 said: I think he is talking about HIS family dynamic, his parents don't like it. Yep, but I prepare him for the other shoe to drop. 1
elaine567 Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Yep, but I prepare him for the other shoe to drop. Yes he is old enough to be her father...most won't like that..
Author ironpony Posted July 14, 2021 Author Posted July 14, 2021 6 hours ago, elaine567 said: Do you think this young woman's maturity level will stay at that of a 21 yo? Well I thought mine would develop along with hers, like for example, let's say I have the maturity level of someone in his early 20s, then 10 years from now I will have the maturity level of someone in the early 30s and then her maturity level will line up theoretically. It's just theory but I feel like I have to make relationship decisions based on instinct and faith, rather than not date at alll, just because of the unknown future if that makes sense?
Author ironpony Posted July 14, 2021 Author Posted July 14, 2021 53 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Depends on her family dynamic. If she's disconnected from her parents they may not care. If she is from a close family unit they will not support their 21 yo dating a 37 yo man. I am the mother of 2 daughters and I would ruin any 37 year old trying to date my 21 yo daughter. So you're lucky I'm not this young woman's mother The brain reaches its full development at 25, at the moment her prefrontal cortex isn't completed, that's the 'rational' part of the brain. This young woman still has a lot of emotional maturity to grow. She is disconnected from her parents and she grew up with abusive parents, and does not have as much contact with them, and therefore does not care what they think she says. But if she has more maturity to grow, shouldn't I just wait and see, rather than assume it won't work out at all?
elaine567 Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 I guess your parents are looking for someone who can perhaps take care of you when they are no longer able to do so, not some very young woman who is likely going to dump you or who will struggle to look after herself never mind you... 1
Author ironpony Posted July 14, 2021 Author Posted July 14, 2021 Oh okay, so my parents want someone more mature than me then to take care of me. Well they didn't say that. In fact when I pointed out how we were psychologically at the same maturity level they reacted like it was a bad thing, and said "you're at the same maturity level because she is 21!", like it was a bad thing.
elaine567 Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 2 minutes ago, ironpony said: Oh okay, so my parents want someone more mature than me then to take care of me. Well they didn't say that. In fact when I pointed out how we were psychologically at the same maturity level they reacted like it was a bad thing, and said "you're at the same maturity level because she is 21!", like it was a bad thing. Of course it is a bad thing if they are looking for a mature adult to look after you long term. An adult who has grown up and already knows what they are doing, not some "kid" who may turn out to be anything...
SumGuy Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 In my view your parents are getting way ahead of themselves. You are old enough to know this may not last forever, you have had girlfriends and know what it is like to be broken up with. They are projecting their own fears and putting their own agenda and what they want in a relationship above you. Sure this may not be the "best" for you, but they don't know that and really only time will tell. As long as you are not manipulating and leading around this woman, she is an adult who can make her own decisions. From other things you have posted I get the impression this woman is not jumping in ready to get married, the very opposite, taking it slow and having some fun. Your autism may be a plus as it may make you less the manipulator type (or even if you are very bad at it )
JRabbit Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 Some people do not find an age gap of that number with one person being only 21 acceptable, it seems your parents are in that group. Its hard to call the shots when you are living under their roof. Are you able to live on your own?
Janie7 Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 I would not worry about the age difference. Especially in the case of older guy and younger girl. My bf is 28 and I'm only 20, and it seems to me that more relationships of a common age do not work out, than those where the guy is a little older (like 5-10 yrs). I would not worry about looks either. A mature girl is not going to focus so much on that. I am a lot better looking than my bf, but I wouldn't trade him in for ANY good looking dude. Of course, I'm assuming you're looking for a relationship and not just sex. If you are just looking for some action, then yes looks might be more relevant.
elaine567 Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 5 hours ago, JRabbit said: Are you able to live on your own? He has never done so.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 (edited) Don't worry about age differences later. You're right though, the gap does become more noticeable as people age. I had a conversation with a woman about this very topic. Her husband was 17 years or 18 years older. They married when she was around 30 or so, but when she hit her mid 50s, she definitely started to see her husband (then in his 70s) as old. But don't worry about that for you. Lots of people, probably including this woman, are fine with that. They want a few decades now of a good relationship. So don't jump ahead. Date whatever age of the person you really connect with. You're doing a great job asking the question you're asking--you really are. I love the way you think--it's very sincere and very clear. And on looks, don't worry about that one as well. There are lots of pretty women who for whatever reason don't need a man to match them in looks. And "looks" are flexible. The more someone likes you, often the better looking you become in the other person's eyes. And often people just need the partner to be "OK looking." So many people want other good qualities. Edited July 15, 2021 by Lotsgoingon
Author ironpony Posted July 15, 2021 Author Posted July 15, 2021 Oh okay. I've had people tell me the age gap shortens as you get older, but how is that exactly? I assume it would become more noticeable as you age.
Author ironpony Posted July 15, 2021 Author Posted July 15, 2021 10 hours ago, elaine567 said: Of course it is a bad thing if they are looking for a mature adult to look after you long term. An adult who has grown up and already knows what they are doing, not some "kid" who may turn out to be anything... That makes logical sense, but I think finding a woman who is at a more mature level than me with a more life experience and IQ probably doesn't want to take care of a guy who has less of those things than her. It seems to me that that is very much not do-able in finding in a gf, unless I am wrong?
Author ironpony Posted July 15, 2021 Author Posted July 15, 2021 9 hours ago, SumGuy said: In my view your parents are getting way ahead of themselves. You are old enough to know this may not last forever, you have had girlfriends and know what it is like to be broken up with. They are projecting their own fears and putting their own agenda and what they want in a relationship above you. Sure this may not be the "best" for you, but they don't know that and really only time will tell. As long as you are not manipulating and leading around this woman, she is an adult who can make her own decisions. From other things you have posted I get the impression this woman is not jumping in ready to get married, the very opposite, taking it slow and having some fun. Your autism may be a plus as it may make you less the manipulator type (or even if you are very bad at it ) Oh yes, I don't think I am manipulating her at all, and that's not my intention at all.
Author ironpony Posted July 17, 2021 Author Posted July 17, 2021 1 hour ago, Olivia24 said: Here is my super brilliant take. 20-40 is twice as old, 30-50 isnt. Thats all i have, lol Oh but isn't that the same age difference since it's 20 years?
Janie7 Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 On 7/14/2021 at 9:13 PM, Lotsgoingon said: And on looks, don't worry about that one as well. There are lots of pretty women who for whatever reason don't need a man to match them in looks. And "looks" are flexible. The more someone likes you, often the better looking you become in the other person's eyes. And often people just need the partner to be "OK looking." So many people want other good qualities. I agree completely. Don't worry about looks, that is not as important for we women. I'm a model and yet I used to date guys all the time who were like 2 or 3s in the looks dept just because they had great personalities and were my type. Including my current bf who I'm deeply in love with and will probably marry. You are concerned about dating someone better looking than you simply because that is how men are wired. Your minds are always on the physical attributes but most girls are more focused on the psychological and personal qualities. I say just go with it and don't worry. 1 1
Author ironpony Posted July 18, 2021 Author Posted July 18, 2021 Okay thanks, I can do that :). So far, it's going good, thanks :). On the subject of the age gap issue, I told four of my friends, two male, and two female. The male friends acted like it wasn't a big deal but the female friends were quite shocked and lecturing to me about it for sure, and definitely do not approve based on their reactions. But is there a reason why the male friends are more positive about it then the female ones?
basil67 Posted July 18, 2021 Posted July 18, 2021 Likely because men see it as a bit of hot fun with a young woman, whereas older women are more protective of younger women. 2
Author ironpony Posted July 18, 2021 Author Posted July 18, 2021 (edited) Well if I wanted just fun, I wouldn't have entered into an exclusive relationship. Doesn't it make more sense for a guy who wants just fun to look for a FWB, rather than commit to exclusivity? So I thought my female friends would see that as pretty obvious. Edited July 18, 2021 by ironpony
Author ironpony Posted July 18, 2021 Author Posted July 18, 2021 Oh okay. I don't see my current gf as a conquest in terms of her age, the age difference was the only thing about the relationship that I think is kind of weird, where as everything else is going good. But if my female friends are jealous of not getting attention, they never shown any romantic interest in me before beyond just friends, and they were not jealous of my previous gf for example, so I would find it surprising if they were jealous of this new one, just because she is younger.
Author ironpony Posted July 29, 2021 Author Posted July 29, 2021 I was also wondering, before I mentioned how this woman is a 10/10 in looks and absolutely gorgeous. However, she keeps talking about how she's always been told by her family that she was ugly and that she would never get guys. Her family was really bad to her for sure. I tell her I don't think that at all, and that I think she's very pretty, but I also feel careful not to be too complimentary, because a part of me is afraid that if she knew how hot she was, she might leave me, and search for better looking guys. I like making her feel better about herself, but should I keep the compliments somewhat low on how goodlooking she is, in order so she doesn't think she is in a higher league than me, if that makes sense?
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