elaine567 Posted June 27, 2021 Posted June 27, 2021 8 minutes ago, ironpony said: Oh okay thanks. Well another thing I feel weird about is the age different. She is 15 years younger than me and it makes me feel old, unless that's not bad and I am making too big a deal out if it? You are 37 IIRC, which makes her 22... If all goes to plan and you date seriously, then she will get GIGS and leave you when she is about 25 and you are 40... She will sail happily on, you will be heartbroken...
Author ironpony Posted June 27, 2021 Author Posted June 27, 2021 Sorry what do you mean by GIGS? I couldn't find what means on a google search.
Author ironpony Posted June 27, 2021 Author Posted June 27, 2021 1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said: No, I didn't mean don't ever tell her you're autistic. You can do that when you're comfortable with it. What I'm saying is, you seemed to be saying you wanted to bring it up as your reason for living at home. But if you do that, it sounds like you're saying your autism is a disability and it's never going to allow you to live independently. And that isn't the case, right? So not only is that something that might take someone aback (in the long run people usually want to branch off together), it's not really honest. At least not from what I'm picking up. Most people you date will eventually want to know where you live. When you tell her you're with your parents, I'd focus on the positive and remain honest. "Right now I'm in my family home. I'm regrouping and saving some money while I plan my next steps." Well, maybe not that wooden, LOL, but you get the idea. Oh okay. Well as far as telling her I am autistic goes, if women like guys who are confident and secure, wouldn't the sooner I tell her, the more confident and secure it will appear, compared to postponing it? 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 27, 2021 Posted June 27, 2021 2 hours ago, ironpony said: She is 15 years younger than me and it makes me feel old. Ok she already makes you feel bad, so why not let it go?
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 2 hours ago, ironpony said: Oh okay. Well as far as telling her I am autistic goes, if women like guys who are confident and secure, wouldn't the sooner I tell her, the more confident and secure it will appear, compared to postponing it? You know, I don't know. But it is a part of you, your life and your own business, it's personal, so you can decide when you want to tell her. IMO.
Dis Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 I understand having to disclose sensitive things like that I have Bipolar and I wait a little while before I tell a new guy. I've never had a guy care about it before probably because it doesn't really effect me anymore. I have a successful career and live on my own without issues whereas you still live at home. But if she really likes you and it gets to the point where it's time to tell her, she might not have a problem with it. But I really would work on moving our to your own place.
Author ironpony Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok she already makes you feel bad, so why not let it go? Oh well I was just asking for other opinions on it, like maybe I am making too big of a deal of it?
Dis Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 4 hours ago, ironpony said: Oh well I was just asking for other opinions on it, like maybe I am making too big of a deal of it? You are I think in reality, there will always be a more attractive person in a couple. It's no biggie because it doesn't feel that way to the two people in it.
Author ironpony Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 Oh okay, that makes sense. What about the age difference though, am I making too big of a deal about that?
mark clemson Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 18 hours ago, ironpony said: Sorry what do you mean by GIGS? "Grass is greener syndrome" which essentially means she will feel/believe that there is "better" than you out there for her. I THINK @elaine567 is implying this will primarily be due to the age difference in your particular case. I'm not sure I agree that's 100% guaranteed to happen, but certainly it COULD.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 7 hours ago, ironpony said: Oh okay, that makes sense. What about the age difference though, am I making too big of a deal about that? That's up to you. It's about how you feel about it, not how we feel about it.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 5 hours ago, mark clemson said: "Grass is greener syndrome" which essentially means she will feel/believe that there is "better" than you out there for her. I THINK @elaine567 is implying this will primarily be due to the age difference in your particular case. I'm not sure I agree that's 100% guaranteed to happen, but certainly it COULD. I saw this and thought...yes, that could happen...OTOH, it could realistically happen for other reasons. We just don't have any 100% guarantees in dating. Not even in marriage. There's no way Iron Pony or anyone else can find a way to proactively avoid a mate eventually feeling that way. You can come as close as possible by trying to be with someone who's really into you and vice versa, and who is basically emotionally healthy and vice versa, but there simply are no guarantees. The age thing COULD throw another monkey wrench into it. But we can't know that. He can't know it. We simply can not give any guarantees.
mark clemson Posted June 28, 2021 Posted June 28, 2021 35 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: There's no way Iron Pony or anyone else can find a way to proactively avoid a mate eventually feeling that way. ... We simply can not give any guarantees. Very true, CG. 1
Author ironpony Posted June 29, 2021 Author Posted June 29, 2021 (edited) Well I went on three dates with another woman just before this one asked me out so I feel I have to pick one. The other one is closer to my age, only off by 4 years, and she is therefore more likely to stick around in the long run I am guessing? I like them both, and they are both fun and good, but I find that I have more of a connection with the 15 year younger one and more in common there. So I have to choose between the one I like more vs. the one who is less likely to leave? But I guess I should take the risk and go for the one I feel more connected to? Edited June 29, 2021 by ironpony
Author ironpony Posted June 29, 2021 Author Posted June 29, 2021 There's something else that is bothering me about the age gap though. Because she is 21, she keeps talking about her life around that time, where as women my age or older, hardly ever talk about that point in their lives. When I hear people talk about that point in their lives, I become very jealous and insecure. I am autistic and because of that, I didn't have a life until my mid-20s and I stayed in my parents house and didn't do anything at all. So I feel I never had a life before then, and have hardly any experience as a result, so when she talks about her life then, I become very jealous. Women my age or older, do not talk about that point of their lives hardly, so I don't have to hear it, whenever I date someone my age or older. So when she talks about It, I feel jealousy and insecurity. For example she is 21 and has already had four relationships. I am 36 and have only had 4. So I feel intimidated that she has had more experience than me. Women my age or older probably have too, but they don't talk about it like she does, because of her age. If that makes sense?
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 29, 2021 Posted June 29, 2021 5 hours ago, ironpony said: There's something else that is bothering me about the age gap though. Because she is 21, she keeps talking about her life around that time, where as women my age or older, hardly ever talk about that point in their lives. When I hear people talk about that point in their lives, I become very jealous and insecure. I am autistic and because of that, I didn't have a life until my mid-20s and I stayed in my parents house and didn't do anything at all. So I feel I never had a life before then, and have hardly any experience as a result, so when she talks about her life then, I become very jealous. Women my age or older, do not talk about that point of their lives hardly, so I don't have to hear it, whenever I date someone my age or older. So when she talks about It, I feel jealousy and insecurity. For example she is 21 and has already had four relationships. I am 36 and have only had 4. So I feel intimidated that she has had more experience than me. Women my age or older probably have too, but they don't talk about it like she does, because of her age. If that makes sense? If you had only brought up the age difference once, I'd say "oh, just forget about that, go for it," but this is several times now. And several different reasons it's bothering you. Honestly, I think you may want to pass on this one. There are just too many resentments and insecurities attached to the age difference.
Wiseman2 Posted June 29, 2021 Posted June 29, 2021 6 hours ago, ironpony said: For example she is 21 and has already had four relationships. I am 36 and have only had 4. Don't compare yourself to others. Just go with the one you like better, perhaps the one closer to your age. From your description she's hotter and more into you.
Author ironpony Posted June 30, 2021 Author Posted June 30, 2021 That's true. How do other guys get over such insecurities like that or what do they do to approach it differently?
Author ironpony Posted June 30, 2021 Author Posted June 30, 2021 (edited) Oh okay, but if getting a woman who is 16 years younger than me hot for most, guys, and hot for girls to get a guy who is 16 years older, than how come hardly any one else does it? I can't use the "everybody's doing it" defense to feel better about it, because nobody hardly seems to be doing it. But why not, if it's hot for people to do so? Edited June 30, 2021 by ironpony
Interstellar Posted June 30, 2021 Posted June 30, 2021 (edited) You need to get rid of this head trip you put on yourself. When you look in the mirror tell yourself how handsome you are. Say it again 100 times. We all feel that we’re not good enough at some point but you gotta tell yourself that you’re a great guy. Watch this guy David Goggins, he tells you to quit the victim mentality. Edited June 30, 2021 by Interstellar
Author ironpony Posted June 30, 2021 Author Posted June 30, 2021 Oh well I wasn't worried so much about my looks, but other things perhaps like my past.
Author ironpony Posted June 30, 2021 Author Posted June 30, 2021 Oh okay, I thought maybe people weren't doing it because they felt it was wrong, or along those lines...
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 30, 2021 Posted June 30, 2021 1 minute ago, ironpony said: Oh okay, I thought maybe people weren't doing it because they felt it was wrong, or along those lines... It's just that for whatever reasons, more women are attracted to men our own age. And we have that choice. But that isn't every single woman. If this woman likes you then why would this part matter, you know?
Author ironpony Posted June 30, 2021 Author Posted June 30, 2021 I think the problem is she keeps talking about her past that bothers me, like in the post I mentioned before, where as women my age do not talk about those things.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 30, 2021 Posted June 30, 2021 2 minutes ago, ironpony said: I think the problem is she keeps talking about her past that bothers me, like in the post I mentioned before, where as women my age do not talk about those things. I mean...I said it before...you have way more anxieties, uncertainties and turnoffs regarding this woman than positive feelings, at least according to your posts. If there are this many hurdles maybe you should just go for somebody else. You have the green light from her that she wants to date but you dislike an awful lot about her. This is really up to you. It's your decision. 1
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